M
Madelyne13
Guest
Hopefully I am making progress in my writing. Opinions welcomed
https://www.literotica.com/s/angel-without-wings-pt-01
https://www.literotica.com/s/angel-without-wings-pt-01
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An interesting little story with some sugar and spice.
It would have worked far better for me without the first two paragraphs, in which you give the game away right from the start. I think you could have eased in who she was, little by little, bit by bit, so the reader thinks, "wait, is she no ordinary woman, is there something a little bit strange going on here?" A slower reveal, leading up to the punchline, which I liked.
Your main technical issue, I think, is your tense shift, from present tense to past tense and back again. Trust me, you're not alone doing this - I did it in one of my most successful stories, and didn't even see that I did, until it was pointed out to me (thanks, Simon ) - but it's something that a tighter edit will find and fix in your next story. But I was able to overlook that because of the tasty encounters. Your dialogue is nice and easy, too.
Write more, next time. This is a snippet .
Hopefully I am making progress in my writing. Opinions welcomed
https://www.literotica.com/s/angel-without-wings-pt-01
"You shouldn't have," I scolded. "I am watching my figure."
Lucy laughed, "Everybody watches your figure."
It was true, I did get a lot of attention. My five-foot-five slender but curved body, crowned with golden hair retained its angel's grace. My bright blue eyes turned heads and could see into people's souls.
Quick comment on this passage here.
Verb choice "I scolded" might have been too strong. It doesn't seem like the speaker is actually mad there, just teasing a bit. The clap back from Lucy is on point though.
The description used exact measurements. This is a major peeve for me, and I know a lot of other readers too. It's sadly common for some reason. ("She was 6 feet 2 inches and hot. Her c-cup breasts were held in a dainty bra that made men drool. Weighing only 160 lbs, she sat comfy on the executive's couch, ready to seduce her")
The rest of your physical description worked great. It was enough to describe the character, but not so much as to bog the user down with excess.
Verb choice "I scolded" might have been too strong. It doesn't seem like the speaker is actually mad there, just teasing a bit. The clap back from Lucy is on point though.