An Exercise for Couples: Sexual Needs vs. Wants

[7inchglory]

I like to get to know my sexual partners well, like really well. Sex without that level of understanding of my partner makes it not as fun because I like to know they are getting what they need at the end of it. Part of why my wife allows me to fuck other women is from having conversations on our needs and wants. I have needs and wants that she doesn't care to fulfill, and she is happy to allow me to play with others as long as I keep her informed on what is going on - and I follow certain boundaries within those relationships (no I love you's, etc).

So as I get to know my partners (at least 6 months into the relationship), I do an exercise that goes over their needs and wants, as perceived by me, and then I validate the list with them. It's been pretty successful on my end, because my perception can be wrong - and by validating it with the person, you get to know exactly what they want. If you're good with understanding your partner's needs and wants, this exercise will only toot your own horn when you talk it over.

For me, the biggest thing from doing this exercise, is it has helped us both identify opportunities for play time. Sometimes there are things that we can attempt together on the 'want list', but certain conditions haven't been met on the 'need list' first to facilitate those interactions. Conversation and communication goes a long way with your partner, and working through your list together can really help you understand how you can each satiate needs and wants in each others lives

Here's one I did below with my current partner:

Play Partner 1 (Needs from her partner):

• Love language
  • Gift giving and receiving gifts
  • Words of affirmation
  • Physical touch
  • Quality time
• Intellectual conversation and mental stimulation (beyond just sexual conversation)
• Sexual and mental autonomy (partner knowing exactly what she wants in that moment - especially when she's in Subspace)
• In tune with his emotions
• He is open to learning and listening
• A high level of trust with him
• Consent of what will happen before any sexual scenes and no breaking those limits
• Dominance
  • Verbal and Physical
• Aftercare needed post anything sexual
• NO bruising of any kind in physical play

Play Partner 1 (Wants from her partner):

• Loves fucked up roleplay situations
  • The more obscene the better
• Risky public play
  • Like the idea of potentially being caught, but doesn't want to be caught at all
• Being a hot wife to other men
• Making other men cheat for her
• Other men watching her play with her partner as voyeurs
• Mutual secrets between her and partner
• Loss of control
  • Being ordered around
  • Restricted movement (bondage)
  • Being choked or lightly slapped on the face
• Consensual Non-Consent
• Verbal degradation
• Sexual creativity
  • Voice play
  • Video play
  • Written play
  • In-Person play

Hope this helps, cheers!

 

[ImiGirrst]

Oh, what a great thread!! I'mma gonna steal this, okay???

 

[7inchglory]

Oh, what a great thread!! I'mma gonna steal this, okay???

For sure Use it to help others or make your personal relationships better

 

[VikingPhoenix]

I like to get to know my sexual partners well, like really well. Sex without that level of understanding of my partner makes it not as fun because I like to know they are getting what they need at the end of it. Part of why my wife allows me to fuck other women is from having conversations on our needs and wants. I have needs and wants that she doesn't care to fulfill, and she is happy to allow me to play with others as long as I keep her informed on what is going on - and I follow certain boundaries within those relationships (no I love you's, etc).

So as I get to know my partners (at least 6 months into the relationship), I do an exercise that goes over their needs and wants, as perceived by me, and then I validate the list with them. It's been pretty successful on my end, because my perception can be wrong - and by validating it with the person, you get to know exactly what they want. If you're good with understanding your partner's needs and wants, this exercise will only toot your own horn when you talk it over.

For me, the biggest thing from doing this exercise, is it has helped us both identify opportunities for play time. Sometimes there are things that we can attempt together on the 'want list', but certain conditions haven't been met on the 'need list' first to facilitate those interactions. Conversation and communication goes a long way with your partner, and working through your list together can really help you understand how you can each satiate needs and wants in each others lives

Here's one I did below with my current partner:

Play Partner 1 (Needs from her partner):

• Love language
  • Gift giving and receiving gifts
  • Words of affirmation
  • Physical touch
  • Quality time
• Intellectual conversation and mental stimulation (beyond just sexual conversation)
• Sexual and mental autonomy (partner knowing exactly what she wants in that moment - especially when she's in Subspace)
• In tune with his emotions
• He is open to learning and listening
• A high level of trust with him
• Consent of what will happen before any sexual scenes and no breaking those limits
• Dominance
  • Verbal and Physical
• Aftercare needed post anything sexual
• NO bruising of any kind in physical play

Play Partner 1 (Wants from her partner):

• Loves fucked up roleplay situations
  • The more obscene the better
• Risky public play
  • Like the idea of potentially being caught, but doesn't want to be caught at all
• Being a hot wife to other men
• Making other men cheat for her
• Other men watching her play with her partner as voyeurs
• Mutual secrets between her and partner
• Loss of control
  • Being ordered around
  • Restricted movement (bondage)
  • Being choked or lightly slapped on the face
• Consensual Non-Consent
• Verbal degradation
• Sexual creativity
  • Voice play
  • Video play
  • Written play
  • In-Person play

Hope this helps, cheers!

I like this. I think I could use something like it. I couldn't agree more that clear and concise communication is paramount in order to maximize both pleasure and understanding in any relationship. My wife enjoys the thought of me with other women immensely but doesn't want it to actually happen. She's noted how she enjoys when I toy with her jealousy and tell her when I get attention from other women. Lol..it's funny because I'm a very open guy and have asked/offered her to flirt or pursue a tryst over the years but she maintains its just not her thing. Anyway, thanks for your perspective and articulate thoughts.

 

[7inchglory]

I like this. I think I could use something like it. I couldn't agree more that clear and concise communication is paramount in order to maximize both pleasure and understanding in any relationship. My wife enjoys the thought of me with other women immensely but doesn't want it to actually happen. She's noted how she enjoys when I toy with her jealousy and tell her when I get attention from other women. Lol..it's funny because I'm a very open guy and have asked/offered her to flirt or pursue a tryst over the years but she maintains its just not her thing. Anyway, thanks for your perspective and articulate thoughts.

Thank you for your input! It's nice to hear about other couples perspectives and how they navigate their own relationships.

My wife was much like yours; she liked the idea of me playing with other women but never would dare let me. I gave her a free pass to play with others, and would talk about how hot I found it if she would actually take me up on it. The conversations were usually during sex, but to distinguish that I really wanted it to happen, I would bring it up in non-sexual conversations outside of sex. She's a nurse and eventually doctors began hitting on her, and she floated the idea of her doing it and I made it very clear I wanted her to have sex with another guy and I wasn't lying. She eventually did, and she felt so guilty and horrible about it, but I constantly assured her it was okay and I wanted her to experience sexual encounters with others than myself (who were clean). Part of that affirmation was showing her how hot I found it, and that I was proud of her for going out of her comfort zone and trying something new - which to me was very brave of her. Especially in the context of potentially destroying a long-term relationship, but instead it only increased my attraction for her and made us stronger.

Fast forward a bit and she eventually became more comfortable with the idea and did it multiple times... and then she started letting me engage sexually with others because she wanted me to experience that high. The first was someone from here and was far away, so it was more of a fling and not a real threat to her and our relationship. But eventually the girls started getting more and more closer who I would hook up with.

She first only liked hearing about it after it was said and done and the person was out of the picture. Eventually she liked hearing audio from filmed encounters, and then eventually she mustered the courage to watch me fuck them on video. She did cry the first few times, but over time she got used to it and the assurance that she wasn't going to be replaced made her more and more comfortable with the dynamic.

Only recently she started liking hearing about in-flight relationships, and she allowed me to bring my submissive over. My wife and submissive engaged in play and then they both joined in on myself.