How easy it for a married sub in a vanilla marriage to conceal her bdsm affair?

There have been several threads about hiding marks from the public. How does one go about hiding marks from their significant other? Or do you just not engage in any activity that would leave a mark? I hate to have my play limited that way.

You don't. If she is having an affair, any kind, without her partners consent and knowledge, it isn't a marriage she is in, but a farce.
I am married, you all know that. legally to my Dreamer, and spiritually to my Starshine. Both men. You also know I am involved with Hecate.
All be it, only here online for now.

But they all know about each other.

If they didn't, it would not be a marriage.

So no need to hide anything, though I do not talk about each other and what we do or don't do.

Not true, I tell everything to Mistress, but the men know that, and respect her and her guidance.

Hope that helps.

.

I'm afraid I'm with Merelan here, and I apologize if that sounds preachy. However, I would ask yourself, if your partner cannot abide you having and affair and cannot supply your needs, why are you with them? If they could tolerate you being honest with them about your finding play outside the marriage, why not be honest? And if it means more to you to remain with them than in the BDSM lifestyle, why not do so? I can hear arguments against all of them, but the ultimate question to ask yourself is this:

what will you do if, somehow, someone finds out and tells them?

Obviously, that's not guaranteed, and with care it may even be unlikely, but what if it does happen? What then? Once you have your answer to that, I think, you have your answer on how to proceed.

Personal views expressed in this post are mine and can be ignored or argued against if you disagree. No offence is intended in the expression of these views.

I wont play with someone who says I cant leave marks. thats just one of my conditions.

I am in a vanilla marriage - my second one. Even if I was content with vanilla, the sexual aspect of our marriage would be strained. Things are the way they are for a good reasons, ones I really don't care to discuss in a public forum.

I do get a bit put off when people assume they know what I want and whats best for me. It's my choice, and I know fully what's at stake, and what a divorce is like.

Why stay together? It's simple. I love her. On the whole, we have a very good life together. There is a lot more to a marriage than what goes on in the bedroom. To split up would cause a lot of pain for both of us. We like being together. Is it so damn hard to imagine that real, deep seated love could exist in the absence of a fulfilling sex life? And don't even think I am minimizing how important a good sex like is to a marriage. I'm not.

Would I have a BDSM relationship outside the marriage? Yes, if the right situation arose. She has told me (several times) to do what I need to meet my needs elsewhere, and to make sure I did not rub it in her nose. She doesn't want to be embarrased.

Is it a fucked up situation? Well, it's certainly not perfect. It is what it is. I constantly strive to make our marriage better, and am not going to give up on it easily.

monster666 said:

Is it a fucked up situation? Well, it's certainly not perfect. It is what it is. I constantly strive to make our marriage better, and am not going to give up on it easily.

Click to expand...

i applaude you, monster... you kind and gentle man

.

.

I was married to my former husband, Mr. NillaMan, for 21 years.
I was actively engaged in long-term (over three years in length, to me) and extra-marital BDSM relationships for the last 18 of those years.

I hid it all - all the years, all the toys, all the trips, all the munches, all the play parties, all the marks, all the highs and lows - from my exhusband. I hid it partly because he didn't want to know anything at all about what i was doing and partly because i wasn't ready to leave the marriage for my own reasons, none of which make any sense at all to me now but they sure as hell seemed good to me then.

Since he and i weren't intimate with each other (sexually or otherwise) very often in the last, oh, 15 years of our marriage, and not at all in the last 6 years, the matter of "hiding" marks didn't ever give me too much trouble. I had to insure there was nothing blatant, of course, and had to have good reasons for any of the marks i did have ready in case i was asked, but that's about all. It's amazing how clumsy he thinks i am, you know? I was forever falling over and down and through stuff.

I'm not making light of it.
It fucking sucked as a way to live.
I was a liar every day of my marriage to him, every one of those 21 years. I lied in the first three years trying to go straight and i lied in the last 18 years trying to balance what had to be private relationship/sexual needs with his spousal/social/corporate wife requirements of me.

He "found out" about two of my three long-term and important D/s relationships and gave me ultimatums both times: leave that person or he'd get a lawyer, take the kids away from me for good, and grind me into fucking dust.

Both times i returned to the progressively colder embrace offered by my wealthy, powerful, workalcoholic husband, a sternly uncaring man who thinks that anything remotely connected to BDSM behavior is horrifyingly abberant behavior. Since he didn't like or want any part of it, he didn't want me to like or want any part of it, either. And he sure as fuck didn't want to discuss it with me.

I could have left very early in those 21 years, but i didn't.
I stayed until i couldn't stay anymore and then i left.

Don't tell me i'm bad or wrong or that my life was a farce. Shut the fuck up with such judgemental bullshit, live your own life, make your own mistakes, and let me make peace with mine.

.

I apologize if I seemed judgemental, I am not. I was not talking about anyone but my definition of marriage. To me.
Cannot even imagine what cym and others have been through. Can only admire their courage to do what they have done to make their own life, their own.

Understand?

I know I am blessed with the people in my life. Everyday I wonder at how I could have been so lucky, so incredibly lucky.

Please forgive me if I seemed to be talking about anyone specific, I was only meaning my life, my marriage. I was not clear at all in what I meant to say, as usual.

I just read this thread with much interest and I would like to add my viewpoint. I was in a marrage for 21 years that was very vanilla and 15 of them were very empty with lonely. Yes I had my reasons why I stayed, three big ones. That was my choice and I stuck it out having affairs to fit my needs without anyone knowing. When I divorced it was the right time for me to get on with my life and BDSM. Since then I have remarried again to a wonderful partner that understands that I have needs and desires that need fulfilling outside of our own. My wife knows of my passions and the direction which I am going. She also knows the she is included when the situation is right, she has not been excluded. The point I would like to add is that if you to save any hard feelings and hardships be sure that you have been honest with all parties concerened and fuck the rest. It is none of their business anyway. This lifestyle offers a lot of support and teachings, viewpoits that can also be critical of the way live our lives.

We all have choices and we should live them as we see fit.
To the parties here that know me they know that I am cincere in what I am saying.

monster666; I share a lot your opinions on this subject.

Merelan:

I didn't think you were being judgemental, but your words did seem to touch a nerve with some of us. We're good.

Over and over I have had close friends ask me just that and tell me I should do something different. I do what I do because I think it's the right thing to do. Anyone who knows my situation and feelings on the subject who pushes me to do something different can, um - bite me.



SierraWolf and cym:

We have similar stories. I am happy you both managed to work out new lives with so much more potential. Well, I am some jealous too, ya bitches.

a MANS view: Male, Ancient, Nilla, Straight

This is so funny. Ever since I plowed through each page of the old, humongous BDSM thread, I have started to see evidence of BDSM in all quarters. Taming of the Shrew suddenly made sense! and so did "The Woman Who Walked into Doors" by Roddy Doyle, Booker Prize winner (advt). Ha! This is not a story about spousal abuse (she had to lie, like cym, to the hospital doctors about her bruises, broken teeth and bones), it is about a Sadist who married a Nilla, instead of a Masochist!

Well then, can we generalise here? about Spousal abuse?

Well, maybe it is not so funny. Leave out sexual proclivities, I know they are important to the community, but the thing that interests me is the institution of marriage, "an honourable estate".

Where one of a nilla couple is going outside the 'marriage' with permission, that is one (rather unusual) thing.

But sneaking around secretly to get the jollies is something else altogether. What I'm saying is, if you have to *hide* your marks, then your marriage, if not clinically dead, is certainly ready for the intensive care unit, and Forest Lawn in due course.

One cannot fail to see here an attitude which says "I have to stay in the marriage for the sake of the children", looking in vain for an attitude which says, "I will remain faithful to the marriage for the sake of the children".

I too fucked up a marriage of 20 years, for which I am ashamed 30 years later. I have not even the excuse that sexual needs were running like acid through my veins (quote), I can only say, 'the Devil made me do it'.

I disdain to blame my sexually boring ex-wife for the break-up; likewise, it seems unfair to blame your Nilla spouses for not giving you what you want (sorry! *need*).

Is a Bore or Nilla simply asking to be betrayed?

Re: a MANS view: Male, Ancient, Nilla, Straight

So you think your experience makes you qualified to judge everyone else who has issues with their marriages?

FYI - I have no children with my current wife. I can be financially independant. There is no good reason to stay with her other than the fact that I care for her. You don't know jack about my situation.

I warned you - bite me.

[Edited to add to my rant]

Please don't tranfer whatever shame you are feeling because of your admitted fuck-up to me or anyone else. It's your fuck-up. Deal with it.

geo.fraser said:

But sneaking around secretly to get the jollies is something else altogether. What I'm saying is, if you have to *hide* your marks, then your marriage, if not clinically dead, is certainly ready for the intensive care unit, and Forest Lawn in due course.

One cannot fail to see here an attitude which says "I have to stay in the marriage for the sake of the children", looking in vain for an attitude which says, "I will remain faithful to the marriage for the sake of the children".

I too fucked up a marriage of 20 years, for which I am ashamed 30 years later. I have not even the excuse that sexual needs were running like acid through my veins (quote), I can only say, 'the Devil made me do it'.

I disdain to blame my sexually boring ex-wife for the break-up; likewise, it seems unfair to blame your Nilla spouses for not giving you what you want (sorry! *need*).

Is a Bore or Nilla simply asking to be betrayed?

Click to expand...

Monster666

I don't make it a practice to jump into other people's arguments, but I feel compelled to do so now. Geo.fraser seems to be just wanted to share some older and more experienced thoughts. I don't know him at all, and have never seen him post anywhere before, but his words did seem to sound sincere with no ill-intent. I think your reaction to him was a lot harsher then it needed to be.
I have seen many arguments arise in this forum, and the response back is always. "THis is my opinion, take it or leave it." This is true here. "Bite me's and fuck you's" are really unnecessary in a respectful, even opinionated, community.

Re: Monster666

I have seen plenty of arguments arise in this forum, and for fact know responses do not always start with "in my opinion". And no where did I see an "in my opinion" or anything of the sort in his post. He obviously read the thread to make the comments he did. And if he read the thread, then he knew full well how his comments might be perceived, particularly after several of us posted how we felt about criticism of our choices. He posted anyway. What he posted came off as extremely condescending and judgemental and despite whatever his experience, was way off base.

Trust me, my response was tempered.

I don't hold grudges though, so if he'd like to apologize for his complete and utter lack of sensitivity, I'll gladly accept and move on. Until then, he can bite me. And that's my opinion.

shysub said:

I don't make it a practice to jump into other people's arguments, but I feel compelled to do so now. Geo.fraser seems to be just wanted to share some older and more experienced thoughts. I don't know him at all, and have never seen him post anywhere before, but his words did seem to sound sincere with no ill-intent. I think your reaction to him was a lot harsher then it needed to be.
I have seen many arguments arise in this forum, and the response back is always. "THis is my opinion, take it or leave it." This is true here. "Bite me's and fuck you's" are really unnecessary in a respectful, even opinionated, community.

Click to expand...

Quick to judge? Maybe. Quick to apologize having remembered I'd posted here and read followups, yes.

I can see assumptions I made, and certainly there are many different reasons for an affair you don't tell your partner about. I'm not going into ins and outs of what I feel is right and wrong - frankly, I was wrong to post something that even smelt of that to begin with. I would generally (again, my opinion, and form your own ideas) suggest 2 questions:

1: What if somehow they find out (a question of safety and self-prepatation for the worst)

2: What if they have an affair for some reason (a question of equality).

Whatever answers you form are no business of mine. And nor is any judgement implied by the questions - simply introspection and a case of going in with eyes open (not to say whoever isn't doing that already).

Anyhow, to round off, in a forum I shouldn't really be in to begin with, I'll just say one thing. Sorry.

BadForm said:

Anyhow, to round off, in a forum I shouldn't really be in to begin with, I'll just say one thing. Sorry.

Click to expand...

The apology is very nice, BadForm, but you belong here if you want to be here. You don't have to be "one of us" to find some of our discussions interesting in and of themselves. Please feel welcome to stay if you like.

Badform, are you geo.frasier? If so, apology accepted. If not, then no apology is required.

In response to your 2 questions:

My wife has expressed her desire that I seek sexual fulfillment elsewhere, so that she doesn't have to be on the hook for it. While I don't think that to be a satisfactory solution, because of extenuating circumstances, I am still trying to work things out through counseling (when I can get her to go) and hard work. There are issues here that I don't feel compelled or able to disclose, but she has reasons for being the way she is, none of which have anything to do with infidelity or even me.

If after I had an affair I discovered that she had one, then I'd say good for her. Obviously, if she's doing that, she's worked out some issues. We'd discuss our situation at that time, and hopefull decide our fate together as the reasonable people we are. I can't say exactly what would happen as we haven't crossed that bridge. Obviously, a lot would depend on circumstances at the time.

Why would I keep an affair from her, BDSM or otherwise? Because she has asked me to. She doesn't want her nose rubbed in it.

BadForm said:

Quick to judge? Maybe. Quick to apologize having remembered I'd posted here and read followups, yes.

I can see assumptions I made, and certainly there are many different reasons for an affair you don't tell your partner about. I'm not going into ins and outs of what I feel is right and wrong - frankly, I was wrong to post something that even smelt of that to begin with. I would generally (again, my opinion, and form your own ideas) suggest 2 questions:

1: What if somehow they find out (a question of safety and self-prepatation for the worst)

2: What if they have an affair for some reason (a question of equality).

Whatever answers you form are no business of mine. And nor is any judgement implied by the questions - simply introspection and a case of going in with eyes open (not to say whoever isn't doing that already).

Anyhow, to round off, in a forum I shouldn't really be in to begin with, I'll just say one thing. Sorry.

Click to expand...

I've known geo.fraser for quite some time, monster, via email correspondences and occasional board postings that began back during the M thread days. I've never known him to use any nick but his own.

Okie dokie. I was actually hoping they were one and the same.

cymbidia said:

I've known geo.fraser for quite some time, monster, via email correspondences and occasional board postings that began back during the M thread days. I've never known him to use any nick but his own.

Click to expand...

He, geo.fraser, lives in South Africa and net time there is *very* expensive. He drops by only infrequently.

Then this thead is likely to be far south by the time he logs in again. I'll just chalk his post up to a huge brain fart and move on.

cymbidia said:

He, geo.fraser, lives in South Africa and net time there is *very* expensive. He drops by only infrequently.

Click to expand...