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Old 05-15-2012, 11:55 PM   #1
Noor
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Sexual journeys and some questions

I have been sexually active since I had been way too young for this board and I found sex changing over time. My early sexual experiences were with a group of close long term friends who were open to pretty much anything. We shared, explored, were pretty wild, but always within a protected safe environment without jealousy, games or other negative things that seem to be the normal in the real world. I am a fairly literal person, I give what I can, I ask for what I want-nothing more, nothing less, and I am most comfort in a world where others are the same. I believe in open communication and that most conflict is based on miscommunication.

When I was in my teens and twenties, I wanted to sleep my way across the world and experience as many cultural/sexual/sensual things as possible. I did some of that, and found things that blew my mind. I do not like the way American culture looks at sex. I do not think sex is dirty, wrong, or naughty. My partners are equals with whom I have mutual respect and responsibility for getting needs and desires met. I feel it should go beyond that actual physical sex act, be expanding, and even transformative. I want sex I can remember days, weeks, years and decades later and still get a buzz when thinking about it.

As a result of surgery (complete castration) I was pretty much totally non sexual and non sensual which felt very strange and I realized how much sexuality and sensuality is part of myself and how I look at life. It flavors the clothes I wear, the food I eat, the activities I participate in and my environment.

I generally dress for myself, and never as a sexual lure. I will dress for a lover or friend if there is something I know they like but I am not interested non specific sexual attraction or being eye candy. I had a lot of unwanted attention based on my body and looks when I was younger so in some ways I actually dressed to avoid that.

I decided I wanted my sexuality back, because I didn't feel like me. I didn't exactly miss it as I really had no feelings. I could watch, talk, touch smell men I was really into prior to surgery and feel indifferent, it was like they suddenly became eunuchs. I smelled different or rather seemed to have no smell, I could go without deodorant, it was very strange. It was like going from a colored world back to black and white.

I have had some great help. I take hormones, I am in female physical therapy and I heard a voice that was like a distant murmur of what could be and I followed up on it. The voice turned out to be a very nice patient sexy man whom I was able to trust and was willing to help. It very strange to explain what is going on to someone else, but it has made a big difference.

It took awhile to get my mind and body connected again, or more to get my body reacting again, but it is and it does or did, it’s kind of weird I seem to fall in and out of the space sometimes but at least I know its there, and possible again. My body is physically healing, I can come again, I no longer get the cramping pelvic congestion I got at first, and I need deodorant ;-)

I am not invisible anymore, not sure I ever was, but at this point I am noticing that I am being flirted with, whatever... and its fun again. I bought jeans because I like the way they feel, am cooking again, enjoying smells, textures, tastes, sounds and even sights. I am not very visual, despite having a photographic memory, but I am actually starting to enjoy looking, nowhere near voyeur stage or anything yet I have stopped looking at my webcam as a mirror, well somewhat stopped, no comments from the peanut gallery pls! It is kind of a cool mirror, you can make goofy faces, and look at parts of your body you can't see well by yourself.

Sex is still a bit weird, I don't have a uterus so no more uterine orgasms , my mind can control my body again, not sure about g-spot and other things yet, more exploring needed, but for now I am feeling more like my physical self. Mentally/emotionally is still a bit strange, for many reasons the surgery was like being violated, a sort of an ongoing HUGE violation, which seems to have opened up occasionally flashbacks of past stuff that had been dealt with, long dead and buried, or so I thought. I have been working on those and it’s getting better.

As I deal with the physical aftermath of being ripped apart, weird things sometimes happen. What I know as my body is different, I can't currently belly dance or even dance without painful consequences, a 7 mins dance to sexual healing a several weeks ago, caused about 5 days of severe pain! That should get better.

Over the past month or two I have had some very interesting conversations about sex which has lead to exploring new areas. Having a safe space to explore is very nice, I think having open conversations about sexuality, physical and emotional barriers is mind expanding, I can read tons of stuff, and explore 1 on 1 but being able to have a dialogue with a group of people who have no agenda for you makes a big difference.

Having very technical/graphic conversations with other women who are also missing bits and pieces is also refreshing. You find out that even though no one seems to talk about it and drs are unconcerned, some of it happened to them too, what they did to deal with it, and what came back for them and how it changed their sexuality.

All sorts of people are willing to help, its kind of refreshing. Restraints, rope work, toys, watching, being watching are much less scary for me when I am with people I know and trust. Things like having hands on my neck, I think I have that totally down now! Figuring out ways to deal with what is scary to make it okay, even pleasurable.

Some of these things and more, I would like to try integrating into my sexual mix and I hope I get to soon.

The discussions and exploring have kind of snowballed and has become transferable, with others in my life finding themselves changing as well, there is chain reaction that is both exciting and a bit scary to watch.
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Byron's Wake and Super Cool Threads.

I did feel like Icarus-Byron in Exile

"You gave him a gift that so many people can only dream of experiencing, and he gave you one, too. You invigorated and soothed him; you helped him find his music again. You deserved more time, but I am so happy that the time you spent together was so joyful and special and full of laughter. You gave him bwankets and I could see his tail wag. He felt you, and he took you with him everywhere. I think he took part of you with him to wherever he is now. That's part of why it hurts so much." Phelia on Byron to me.

Last edited by Noor : 05-16-2012 at 12:09 AM.
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Old 05-15-2012, 11:57 PM   #2
Noor
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Questions:

How has your view and experience of sex changed over the course of your sexual lifetime?

What, if anything, were you into once and are not now, or totally not into that intrigue you today?

Have there been times when you stopped being sexual, and if so, what brought you back?

Do you have clear lines between sex as sport, fucking and making love?
If so, what are they and how much of a boundary are these lines?
Does crossing them make you uncomfortable and do you cross back and forth with the same partner?

Has your choice in partners changed and if so, how?
Do you subscription to or identify with a certain lifestyle, do you self define or float between some?

Do you live in a different world now than you did at another point in your sexual lifetime and if so it better? are there parts you miss? If so what?

Who do you talk with about sex? Who do you experiment with? Where do you go when you want to try new things?
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5th of Tamuz

Byron's Wake and Super Cool Threads.

I did feel like Icarus-Byron in Exile

"You gave him a gift that so many people can only dream of experiencing, and he gave you one, too. You invigorated and soothed him; you helped him find his music again. You deserved more time, but I am so happy that the time you spent together was so joyful and special and full of laughter. You gave him bwankets and I could see his tail wag. He felt you, and he took you with him everywhere. I think he took part of you with him to wherever he is now. That's part of why it hurts so much." Phelia on Byron to me.

Last edited by Noor : 05-16-2012 at 12:43 AM.
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Old 05-16-2012, 01:03 AM   #3
Bandit58
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Interesting thread Noor, thank you!

I was a late bloomer sexually. I lost my virginity at 18 to the man I married. I spent 23 years with him. The marriage produced two children but sexually it was a dead duck. At 21 I discovered I could orgasm through masturbation - when I told him he was disgusted that I didn't "wait for him if I was horny" He was always too impatient to get his own pleasure to care about mine. So I switched myself off to sex (but I still masturbated in secret).

After I left my ex when I was 43, I set out to discover myself and what sex was all about. I started with cyber. It was safe and non-threatening, and I could fantasise and explore on my own. I allowed myself to think about my sexual attraction to women, which had been placed on the back burner for many years. I come from a small rural community in New Zealand, where such things were never discussed.

I met a married man online, and we took our relationship further. It was of necessity a long distance one, but he was patient and kind and taught me that sex between two loving consenting adults could be good - very good in fact. However I still had that mental orgasmic block with other people, although I could cum alone no problem. He introduced me to giving blowjobs and receiving anal sex, and that anal sex could feel good and not be painful if done right.

After that relationship ended, I had two other male partners. One was too much like my ex, so I dumped him. The other was someone I'd known since we were at primary school. He was married, so we met in secret. He shared that he was bisexual, as I was. We had a lovely "friend with benefits" - he even wore ladies' underwear when he was with me once. I was shocked at the time but quickly came to love the feel of the contrast of hard male body v soft silky feminine underwear.

By this time, almost 2 years had passed. I met a lovely friend on the aussies thread here on the Playground. His name was/is Gil_T2. He introduced me to the idea of Dom/sub. Now I have always been a submissive personality which in the past has been more of a curse than a blessing. Now I found that there were whole relationships based on this concept! Who knew? Not me obviously!

We fell in love, and just over 8 years ago I moved to Australia to be with Him. We married in December 2006. Since we've been together I've discovered that mental block has gone. I regularly have G-spot orgasms, and end up in a quivering heap on the bed with towels soaked through (yes I am a gusher who knew that? Again not me until Sir made me squirt all over His carpet the first time we were together!)

I also now have a regular female play partner, after several dead ends trying to meet someone from personals sites. I reckon on the Kinsey scale I am 70% attracted to men but 30% of me loves sex with women. I am out as bisexual to the people we know and also to my grown up children. However my mother doesn't know and there's no need for her to. We live in different countries after all.

I'm happy
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Happily collared and married to my Master Gil_T2 on 9 December 2006

"D/s is how we express that we love each other, BDSM is how we make love with each other." from desertslave


I'm still hot...it just comes in flashes now!

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life!

The power of submission lies not in the ability to kneel before another, to give over one's body or in the wearing of a collar.
The power of submission can be found only in the heart of one who gives her love to another freely knowing what joy and pain will come of it - Roguer


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Old 05-16-2012, 01:58 AM   #4
Noor
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Bandit- I remember parts of this story as it unfolded almost a decade ago. Gil is a lovely man and you guys are very lucky to have found each other!

I too can turn feeling off to my body, or stay just in my mind. Its not from sexual abuse but from having sensory overload and having to deal with constant intense pain and so many medical people touching me after the accidents. Turning feeling back on last time was different, I still felt sexual but I really didn't feel touch. I was in this strange program that combined therapy with massage, it only took about 6 wks and I was back.
Now I can usually turn on and off physical sensations at will, a side effect from that was that I can come without any physical stimulation just my mind.

Within my sub-cultural, women have the right to sexual satisfaction, it is written right into the marriage contract as one of the terms for which a woman can get a divorce, no questions asked. Consequently, I was never taught that sex was bad or not for my pleasure. I do not tend to masturbate, sex for me is very person specific, if there is no one I am interested I am fine. I respect any agreements I make, but for myself I am not particularly monogamist.

The nice sexy man who helped me is a Dom, which is something I had not really explored, and I hope I will get a chance to explore it more with him... He can make me a quivering heap just with phone sex, I am not sure how I would survive a real life encounter

In the past, I have been very resistant to that dynamic but I am finding its mainly the pubic part of the bdsm scene that I am uncomfortable with. Strangers, don't like sex or being watched by strangers, I would make a lousy swinger.

I don't tolerate bad lovers well but I don't mind inexperienced ones as long as they are into becoming good lovers.

I have been told in the past that I have squirted, it doesn't seem to have any effect on me as long as I don't have to sleep in a wet spot. I tend to leave wet spots even when having phone sex, and lately I get dehydrated.

At presence, I am just so thrilled to be able to get wet just thinking about someone, to smell men again, to notice how feels against my girl friend's skin feels when I touch it, and to have my breasts swell when I get excited that I don't look for a lot more.

For myself, at least in the past, the sex of who I am attracted to has not been important, I mainly have to be into them. I would say that most of those have been male, so maybe the few women have been exceptions.

Lately during my rl explorations, I have been spending time with a friend who is bi and interested, so far I have not crossed the line of close friend to lover and probably will not due to circumstances, but her skin feels very nice, and at times I love how she looks in a corset and watching her with meaningless men I was kind of watching for someone else or at least that is how it felt at the time.
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5th of Tamuz

Byron's Wake and Super Cool Threads.

I did feel like Icarus-Byron in Exile

"You gave him a gift that so many people can only dream of experiencing, and he gave you one, too. You invigorated and soothed him; you helped him find his music again. You deserved more time, but I am so happy that the time you spent together was so joyful and special and full of laughter. You gave him bwankets and I could see his tail wag. He felt you, and he took you with him everywhere. I think he took part of you with him to wherever he is now. That's part of why it hurts so much." Phelia on Byron to me.
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Old 05-16-2012, 04:46 AM   #5
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Wonderful thread idea, Noor- a truly open and intellectual discussion of the individual sex life.

I suppose the question that most made me want to write was this one: Have there been times when you stopped being sexual, and if so, what brought you back?

Before this year, I can't say I ever stopped being sexual as an independent person. However, I have spent most of my adult life without a sexual partner. I can't say that was strictly by choice, but I find no personal interest in casual sexual relationships, so that has a lot to do with it. Something changed after I broke off my last relationship this past January. Though mentally I am still very much interested in sex I can't say there is any physical drive for sex. It's a strange experience- I mean, it could very well be related to the intense stress in my life lately, as well as the lack of possible partners in my life, but I'm just not concerned.

I'm also not concerned about my lack of concern at this point. Sexuality, as with so many drives, is fluid and ever-changing. My life will change. I will meet someone new. I will work fewer hours. I will worry less about the future and enjoy the now a little more. I once told my friends that if I ever lost interest in sex they should march me straight to a doctor, but I realize that isn't a realistic expectation to put on myself.

But, if I have time, motive, and opportunity and still feel this way at some point in the future, I implore you, please march me straight to a doctor- psychologist or otherwise
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Old 05-16-2012, 09:39 AM   #6
RedHairedandFriendly
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Noor View Post
How has your view and experience of sex changed over the course of your sexual lifetime?
I like to "talk" so I figure I'll answer the questions one at a time, one post at a time, or we could be here for years.


Growing up I never thought much of sex. Married people did it. You didn’t do it when you weren’t married. I lost my virginity to another virgin at the age of 20 – he was 23. We were married later that same year. I was three months pregnant.

My view and experience has changed because I chose to make it change. In the beginning I never thought about sex. The initial starting off point of our relationship – sex was great – it was “normal” sex or what I deemed as normal and what society would see as normal. Missionary, doggy, me on top – there were no toys, no bondage, no role-play. It felt good so we never thought of changing it up. Why change what works? We never masturbated in front of each other and in all honesty, whether folks choose to believe or not --- I didn’t masturbate at all. I did when I was a preteen and then told “you don’t do that” – made to feel ashamed, I didn’t do it anymore – it was wrong. I accepted that because I was a good kid, I didn’t want to upset my mom, she was dealing with enough handling my sexually active older sisters and my bi-polar little sister. She didn’t need to worry about me masturbating and doing stuff that would upset her, so I didn’t do it.

After we were married for several years of being a stay-at-home mom, I felt lonely and bored. I loved my kids and still do to this day and don’t regret being a mom, nor the years I’ve spent being there for them – but I needed more. My spouse worked and he had adult interaction with his co-workers, as well as his best friend from years gone by. My friends – after our marriage – I allowed those relationships to fizzle so I could be a mom. Yes, it was my fault I didn’t try to maintain them, and I get that, but I didn’t realize at the time how desperately I would come to need them.

Ten years into our marriage I broached the subject of me going back to work – part time. He was very much against this and had legitimate reasons. So I remained where I was, being a mom and a wife. More time went by and again I broached the subject, the reasons sound yet I told him I needed more adult time that I was missing it. He cut back on visiting his friend and he took me fishing with him, taking the kids with us and fishing along the shore. So I was out of the house, but again no friends. (As I wrote this I realized I went off on a tangent, my apologies) --- Sex was just what it was. I don’t really remember caring one way or another about it. I just did it. It sad to look back and realize that there is no real memory of enjoyment after the “honeymoon” stage of our marriage, but there is no real memory of displeasure either. It was, I guess, just done.

Our first computer came into the home I believe around 2004(?). This opened up the world of chat rooms and there I talked and conversed with other people beyond my family. Those conversations weren’t sexual, they were conversation of real life occurrences that were taking place outside of my four walls. It was amazing to talk again, even if all I was doing was talking with my fingers. Those conversations fed the social person that had been locked away for so many years. I wanted to live and breathe online and converse with folks who were struggling too with the lack of real physical friendships.

I don’t know how it happened, but the ingredients for cybering were all there. Someone flirted just right, said the right things, etc, and before long I was writing sexually back and forth with someone, but I had not yet masturbated. I “winged” the knowledge and wrote what I thought would be nice for a person to experience. Finally though, it happened and the right buttons were pushed and while talking online to someone I masturbated for the first time since that little girl was told it was wrong --- I was 31.

I didn’t talk about it right away with my spouse. I didn’t even know his feelings about it. One day I casually mentioned it to him, asking what his thoughts were because it was a conversation that had come up online with one of my friends. He told me it was gross, wrong, and sinful. That to do it was sick and made one sick in the head too. The disgust from him was so strong that I knew I couldn’t say anything. He told me he never did it and that was the end of the conversation. I felt so deflated, sad, dirty, and ashamed. At 31 years old I was that little girl again. So --- I continued talking online and flirting, masturbating in private. I was given a link to the stories of Lit. and read a couple, thinking I could write that and so I started writing, later I came to the boards and posted.

This place --- it opened up a world to me that I sometimes find as a curse and sometimes a blessing. The more I posted, wrote, talked to others, the more I realized that sex is not something that should just be done for the sake of doing it. It shouldn’t just be his way, but it should be a mutual thing. It doesn’t have to be so one-sided – oral for him, but not for me. There are different positions --- toys --- roleplay games. A huge cloud of ignorance was lifted from my eyes. I never hid Lit. from the spouse. From day one he knew I wrote and posted. I mentioned cybering to him, not telling him I did it, again testing the waters for his reaction. The masturbation conversation (sorry about the rhyme) came up and he was again disgusted by the notion, so again I said nothing of those activities. I asked him to become involved here at Lit., he allowed me to post a few pics of him, but I removed them later per his request. He never read beyond one story of mine and I think he was happy I had given up talking of taking a job because I had this place for that release of companionship I had sought.

This place showed me so much and sexually I began to change, learning that it is not my place to judge sexual kinks, or sexual orientation. It is a journey for every individual to make on their own. There are sooo many years of work to bring me to the point where I now have sex on my terms. If we do it, it is because I choose to, no longer is it because he wants that quick fix so he can sleep easier. No longer can he fuck me while I’m heavily dosed on medication. No longer does he get oral by guilting me into it. I give him what I want when I want. It only took 14 (?) years or so to reach this level of self-empowerment. If it weren’t for the kids, we wouldn’t be hitting 19 years this September and I would have left around that 14th year.

Right now, sex for me is not a reason to leave him - will it be that way after the kids are all moved out and doing their own thing - I'll cross that bridge when it is finished being built.
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Old 05-16-2012, 11:16 AM   #7
Noor
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Some clarifications

The castration was done for medical reasons. I had open abdominal surgery with a long vertical incision, no fun.

It was not part of the plan when I had out patient exploratory surgery and we had discussed several possible outcomes right before surgery, losing my ovaries, uterus, and cervix was not part of any of them so waking up inpatient like that was quite shocking. I literally could not move for days, and did not get home for about a month.
The agreement on paper was if they found anything bad, that they would close me back up and we would decided later. I did not have cancer, but if I had ovarian cancer I would have probably not gotten it treated.

My surgery team panicked, and because they were oncologists who usually deal with estrogen fed cancers, I was not put on hormones immediately. My risk for thyroid cancer, osteoporosis, and cardiovascular disease is now much increased.

It infuriates me sometimes because when I see my team of drs about the various side effects, I get told, well you have had major surgery, your muscles were cut, there is scar tissue, your body has had a shock, your eyes, teeth, skin... change when this happens...

Things are improving, I spent last year falling over a lot and getting hurt, I can use my "you go girl" again, I haven't been in the ER/casualty for dehydration, weird infections or other side effects in over a year. and oh yeah, I can come again!
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5th of Tamuz

Byron's Wake and Super Cool Threads.

I did feel like Icarus-Byron in Exile

"You gave him a gift that so many people can only dream of experiencing, and he gave you one, too. You invigorated and soothed him; you helped him find his music again. You deserved more time, but I am so happy that the time you spent together was so joyful and special and full of laughter. You gave him bwankets and I could see his tail wag. He felt you, and he took you with him everywhere. I think he took part of you with him to wherever he is now. That's part of why it hurts so much." Phelia on Byron to me.

Last edited by Noor : 05-16-2012 at 11:22 AM.
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Old 05-16-2012, 11:34 AM   #8
Noor
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MollyDolly View Post
Wonderful thread idea, Noor- a truly open and intellectual discussion of the individual sex life.

I suppose the question that most made me want to write was this one: Have there been times when you stopped being sexual, and if so, what brought you back?

Before this year, I can't say I ever stopped being sexual as an independent person. However, I have spent most of my adult life without a sexual partner. I can't say that was strictly by choice, but I find no personal interest in casual sexual relationships, so that has a lot to do with it. Something changed after I broke off my last relationship this past January. Though mentally I am still very much interested in sex I can't say there is any physical drive for sex. It's a strange experience- I mean, it could very well be related to the intense stress in my life lately, as well as the lack of possible partners in my life, but I'm just not concerned.

I'm also not concerned about my lack of concern at this point. Sexuality, as with so many drives, is fluid and ever-changing. My life will change. I will meet someone new. I will work fewer hours. I will worry less about the future and enjoy the now a little more. I once told my friends that if I ever lost interest in sex they should march me straight to a doctor, but I realize that isn't a realistic expectation to put on myself.

But, if I have time, motive, and opportunity and still feel this way at some point in the future, I implore you, please march me straight to a doctor- psychologist or otherwise
Hey Ms Dolly, welcome back!

I totally understand periods of not being sexual, which I suppose happens to everyone at some time during stress, grief and such. I wouldn't worry about it too much, that sort of thing comes back. Something/someone will spark you eventually and you will be back. I was just lucky enough to have a friend who said "hey listen to this voice..." and I did out of politeness.

It was very weird to me how much of who I am and how I viewed the world had to do with body parts and hormones. Supposedly during regular menopause one's adrenal glands eventually pick up some of the slack.
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5th of Tamuz

Byron's Wake and Super Cool Threads.

I did feel like Icarus-Byron in Exile

"You gave him a gift that so many people can only dream of experiencing, and he gave you one, too. You invigorated and soothed him; you helped him find his music again. You deserved more time, but I am so happy that the time you spent together was so joyful and special and full of laughter. You gave him bwankets and I could see his tail wag. He felt you, and he took you with him everywhere. I think he took part of you with him to wherever he is now. That's part of why it hurts so much." Phelia on Byron to me.
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Old 05-16-2012, 12:10 PM   #9
Noor
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Nice post Red!

I totally believe you didn't masturbate at all.

I remember being 18 talking to a clinic counselor who was married, and her thinking young hippy free love girl must have sex all the time, and me thinking she is married must have sex all the time, lol! I did not realize how many people were in sexless marriages until I came to lit.

Normal sex is what is normal to me . Since the beginning I have been just as much into playing, control, exploring, distraction, locations, sensual and other things as straight PIV sex. In fact I find straight PIV sex alone kind of dull. Never done role play, am always me whoever that may be at the time, but sex in clown makeup, rolling in paint, bathtubs on wheels, with food, seduction with another friend, strange locations can be fun...

This place- Lit is pretty cool, I think it was more so when I first came here, when there were like 20,000 of us. I used to laugh here a lot, there were tons of fun threads like tree sex, "my kids are going to kill me, and kitchen utensils as sex toys.
Over the years it seems to have gotten less playful and more political, I suppose it's the way of the world. It wasn't all so subdivided either. Now if I want to post with old lit friends I have to go all over the boards

I first came to lit to ask for help learning to cyber and I got lots of help. The first year, I had 3 amazing cyber guys, 2 of which are still part of my life. I got a vocabulary for sex which I didn't have, and acquired the ability to describe sex and interacted with people I had never had physical sex with. Previously I had only had phone sex with real life lovers.

I was lucky enough to meet my kindred spirit here, something I never expected. Not kindred in the romantic sense, but someone I just clicked with so absolutely, could just hang out and smile so much my face would hurt, discuss anything and everything, and be totally connected to. I really didn't know such things existed on that level, a kind of peace I had not felt before. The place where me just being me was enough. I miss that, and I hope we find each other in the next life, if there is one, in the meanwhile part of him is always with me.

I also learned about things I had never thought about here, some good and others bad. There is incredible kindness and warmth here here as well as coldness and cruelty. Some of the relationships I have read about seemed unbelievable to me, I have literally no exposure to this in real life.
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I did feel like Icarus-Byron in Exile

"You gave him a gift that so many people can only dream of experiencing, and he gave you one, too. You invigorated and soothed him; you helped him find his music again. You deserved more time, but I am so happy that the time you spent together was so joyful and special and full of laughter. You gave him bwankets and I could see his tail wag. He felt you, and he took you with him everywhere. I think he took part of you with him to wherever he is now. That's part of why it hurts so much." Phelia on Byron to me.

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Old 05-16-2012, 12:21 PM   #10
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This is a great thread. Noor, you're amazing, so frank and open. Thought I'd add a few answers to some of your questions.

I grew up in a fairly conservative house, my mother never told me anything about sex at all, except to say that it was not something to be done unless you intend to marry the person you're doing it with. So, I lost my virginity at 19, married the guy, settled into domestic bliss until he left me. At that point, I discovered that actually, sex was great fun, and from that point on (I was 21, so that's almost 18 years ago now) I viewed it as nothing more than another biological urge, if my body told me it wanted to have sex with someone, then that's what I did. I had a string of lovers, one after the other, never the same man twice, over a period of about 6 months until I did the unthinkable and fell in love again, but this time the man was unfortunately abusive. I stayed with him for 2 years, during which time he withheld sex from me regularly as a form of punishment, but towards the end I didn't want sex with him anyway so that sort of backfired on him! Anyway, I left him, met my current husband and again, things settled into comfiness quite rapidly. The thing is, he doesn't satisfy all of my urges, so we have an agreement in place whereby we are free to come and go as we please, there is a set of rules in place which are there to ensure that our marriage and our little family are never second best, and it worked very well for ten years up until about 6 months ago.

I got sick about six years ago, and had been heavily medicated for the most part of that, which combined with my illness, really knocked my sex drive. I couldn't achieve orgasm through any means at all, and it really bothered me. He told me, well it's not such an issue as long as you enjoy yourself. Which, during the times I actually felt like doing it, I certainly did. But then in January he had an affair, broke all the rules of our marriage and utterly betrayed my trust. The woman he had the affair with was a friend, I gave them my blessing at first thinking it would be no more than a one off as it usually is within our strange little marriage. But it wasn't. It was more, he fell for her and she for him, and it was absolutely heartbreaking for me to sit and have tea with her and hear how he made her cum seven times in a row, when I couldn't even do it once. Naturally I felt inadequate, surplus to requirements, and when he told me the things he had done with her....the things he couldn't bring himself to do with me, the reasons I felt I had to go elsewhere...well that was it. Complete shutdown.

But, I've been off my medication for three months now, my drive is back and bigger than ever. I've met people on here, had wonderful online liaisons....multiple orgasms from some of them, which I didn't even know I could do! But no actual, proper real life sex since the end of January. Whoever my next partner will be (it won't be my husband...that ship has sailed), I pity them! I shall be quite a handful!

I do my experimenting on here.....found out that the things I alluded to that husband would never do are definitely things I'm very much into and I'm not prepared to compromise on them any more. I've found out in my time here that I do have a "type" and it's definitely not what I thought it was which really surprised me. But it's all part of the journey, and it's one that I'm thoroughly enjoying!
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Old 05-16-2012, 12:26 PM   #11
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Bandit- I remember parts of this story as it unfolded almost a decade ago. Gil is a lovely man and you guys are very lucky to have found each other!

I too can turn feeling off to my body, or stay just in my mind. Its not from sexual abuse but from having sensory overload and having to deal with constant intense pain and so many medical people touching me after the accidents. Turning feeling back on last time was different, I still felt sexual but I really didn't feel touch. I was in this strange program that combined therapy with massage, it only took about 6 wks and I was back.
Now I can usually turn on and off physical sensations at will, a side effect from that was that I can come without any physical stimulation just my mind.

Within my sub-cultural, women have the right to sexual satisfaction, it is written right into the marriage contract as one of the terms for which a woman can get a divorce, no questions asked. Consequently, I was never taught that sex was bad or not for my pleasure. I do not tend to masturbate, sex for me is very person specific, if there is no one I am interested I am fine. I respect any agreements I make, but for myself I am not particularly monogamist.

The nice sexy man who helped me is a Dom, which is something I had not really explored, and I hope I will get a chance to explore it more with him... He can make me a quivering heap just with phone sex, I am not sure how I would survive a real life encounter

In the past, I have been very resistant to that dynamic but I am finding its mainly the pubic part of the bdsm scene that I am uncomfortable with. Strangers, don't like sex or being watched by strangers, I would make a lousy swinger.

I don't tolerate bad lovers well but I don't mind inexperienced ones as long as they are into becoming good lovers.

I have been told in the past that I have squirted, it doesn't seem to have any effect on me as long as I don't have to sleep in a wet spot. I tend to leave wet spots even when having phone sex, and lately I get dehydrated.

At presence, I am just so thrilled to be able to get wet just thinking about someone, to smell men again, to notice how feels against my girl friend's skin feels when I touch it, and to have my breasts swell when I get excited that I don't look for a lot more.

For myself, at least in the past, the sex of who I am attracted to has not been important, I mainly have to be into them. I would say that most of those have been male, so maybe the few women have been exceptions.

Lately during my rl explorations, I have been spending time with a friend who is bi and interested, so far I have not crossed the line of close friend to lover and probably will not due to circumstances, but her skin feels very nice, and at times I love how she looks in a corset and watching her with meaningless men I was kind of watching for someone else or at least that is how it felt at the time.
Hell Noor that is one difficult read for a Dyslexic like me so I'll need a lot more time to get through the first post.

In reply to BANDIT's post my part was easy as it was like exploring a blank canvas she had so many spots that lit her up & had her cumming in no time with more gushing & squirting.

We clicked early on on LIT, PMs, chat & emails then finally meeting everything came so naturally.
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Old 05-16-2012, 01:56 PM   #12
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Originally Posted by MrsMellowCake View Post
This is a great thread. Noor, you're amazing, so frank and open. Thought I'd add a few answers to some of your questions.

I grew up in a fairly conservative house, my mother never told me anything about sex at all, except to say that it was not something to be done unless you intend to marry the person you're doing it with. So, I lost my virginity at 19, married the guy, settled into domestic bliss until he left me. At that point, I discovered that actually, sex was great fun, and from that point on (I was 21, so that's almost 18 years ago now) I viewed it as nothing more than another biological urge, if my body told me it wanted to have sex with someone, then that's what I did. I had a string of lovers, one after the other, never the same man twice, over a period of about 6 months until I did the unthinkable and fell in love again, but this time the man was unfortunately abusive. I stayed with him for 2 years, during which time he withheld sex from me regularly as a form of punishment, but towards the end I didn't want sex with him anyway so that sort of backfired on him! Anyway, I left him, met my current husband and again, things settled into comfiness quite rapidly. The thing is, he doesn't satisfy all of my urges, so we have an agreement in place whereby we are free to come and go as we please, there is a set of rules in place which are there to ensure that our marriage and our little family are never second best, and it worked very well for ten years up until about 6 months ago.

I got sick about six years ago, and had been heavily medicated for the most part of that, which combined with my illness, really knocked my sex drive. I couldn't achieve orgasm through any means at all, and it really bothered me. He told me, well it's not such an issue as long as you enjoy yourself. Which, during the times I actually felt like doing it, I certainly did. But then in January he had an affair, broke all the rules of our marriage and utterly betrayed my trust. The woman he had the affair with was a friend, I gave them my blessing at first thinking it would be no more than a one off as it usually is within our strange little marriage. But it wasn't. It was more, he fell for her and she for him, and it was absolutely heartbreaking for me to sit and have tea with her and hear how he made her cum seven times in a row, when I couldn't even do it once. Naturally I felt inadequate, surplus to requirements, and when he told me the things he had done with her....the things he couldn't bring himself to do with me, the reasons I felt I had to go elsewhere...well that was it. Complete shutdown.

But, I've been off my medication for three months now, my drive is back and bigger than ever. I've met people on here, had wonderful online liaisons....multiple orgasms from some of them, which I didn't even know I could do! But no actual, proper real life sex since the end of January. Whoever my next partner will be (it won't be my husband...that ship has sailed), I pity them! I shall be quite a handful!

I do my experimenting on here.....found out that the things I alluded to that husband would never do are definitely things I'm very much into and I'm not prepared to compromise on them any more. I've found out in my time here that I do have a "type" and it's definitely not what I thought it was which really surprised me. But it's all part of the journey, and it's one that I'm thoroughly enjoying!
(((MrsMellowCake)))

Thanks, I think we would all have better sex if everyone could be frank and honest

I find sex with someone gets better with experience so a series of one night stands sounds very unsatisfying. Withholding sex seems so cruel.

Betrayal like that is horrible.

Something I have discovered is you never know what will happen when people have sex with each other, people can get attached in strange ways. For me, regardless of my relationship status and theirs, sex with a best friend's guy, unless she was there with me is not something I would do. I look at most of my married friend's spouses as eunuchs, also my friends ex's. Discussing how a lover made me come repeatedly with their partner seems to be bad sexual etiquette.

I am glad you are exploring and enjoying yourself, there is a wide world out there and lit allows one to meet people online they might never have in real life. Although one of the last people I met here turned out to have some overlap with real life people which maybe prove interesting...
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Byron's Wake and Super Cool Threads.

I did feel like Icarus-Byron in Exile

"You gave him a gift that so many people can only dream of experiencing, and he gave you one, too. You invigorated and soothed him; you helped him find his music again. You deserved more time, but I am so happy that the time you spent together was so joyful and special and full of laughter. You gave him bwankets and I could see his tail wag. He felt you, and he took you with him everywhere. I think he took part of you with him to wherever he is now. That's part of why it hurts so much." Phelia on Byron to me.
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Old 05-16-2012, 02:32 PM   #13
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Quote:
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What, if anything, were you into once and are not now, or totally not into that intrigue you today?
Seeing as I’m not sure what I was “into once” I can’t give much of a response to that. As mentioned before my memories of sex early in our marriage are almost non-existent. I do know I can say what I have learned in the past seven years has allowed me to be into things and then not be into them.

When I first popped in here, the inexperience I had allowed me to be curious about a number of things – the most curious of them all probably being why did posting with women and flirting with them make me aroused? Was it something I wanted to explore? Something I had repressed? Something I thought was taboo so that was what was erotic to me? I wrote lesbian scenes, bi-sexual story lines, gay male and even a cross-dressing story, so I knew I could write these things and become aroused, but what about experiencing some of them.

A lot of time passed before I had the opportunity to experience anything new. My spouse had done so much emotional damage to me and I had allowed it because I didn’t know how to raise my voice. There was one year when I was so low and yet so high that when the moment to be this woman I was becoming began to present itself, I grabbed it and ran with it. For one year I lived more for myself than I ever have before and may ever again.

My first kiss with another woman was one of those experiences. It was different – but it didn’t leave me aching for more. It was a kiss. It’s not to say she wasn’t good at it, but for me, it didn’t arouse me to the point that I ached for another opportunity – however I did trust her and when I said goodbye to her one day, I spontaneously kissed her with tongue. She was surprised, but not offended. I think she was touched and knew that though we were never going to be lovers, we would always be friends. She was also the first and only woman to finger me – and that experience was amazing, again I think because of the situation and how aroused I was and how much I trusted her and our partner. I learned though that I was not “into” women – but I do enjoy flirting and teasing a woman simply because I know it makes her happy – and the women I tease/flirt with know that it is done just for that reason - to make them smile.

More experiences were presented to me. Over phone play I learned that I was submissive and I submitted to someone for almost a year. In the end I learned that though I am submissive I need to guard who I give that power too. That person as well as another did a number on me emotionally and in real life I was already going through so much that I really should have taken better care of my emotional needs and not my physical ones – in both reality and online.

When I say I am submissive – it is only truly in the online world that I embrace this. The spouse, after a lot of work and acceptance that we were not ready to throw our marriage away, did try to become a more dominate lover. Unfortunately I knew he was not into it and was only trying to appease me. It is hard to find joy when another doesn’t like the act – at least for me it is. Sexually our lives went back to his way, though I did find my backbone and am more willing to tell him no and suffer the guilt for it because I choose to.

I’m not a dominate sexual woman. I cave easily obviously. I tried to be once, for a friend – phone play a dominate scene with me being in charge. I completed the task set before me, but did so with a headache and a stomach that threatened to expel whatever I had in it. It was so foreign to me, to behave so strongly that it was a physical reaction of disgust in myself and shame for feeling like a failure for what seemed so simple to him. I never have done that again and never will.

I flew in a plane and met a lover for a weekend – I felt so alive, young, cared for, and beautiful. I felt a peace that I had not felt in years. I felt as if I were really a person and not just another hole to be filled at his request.

I am intrigued with the idea of anal sex, but it won’t happen in my current marriage. I have used toys and love the feel of them, but he is quite large and he doesn’t have the patience needed to ease into something like that. He lacks patience in many things and is selfish – I see that now, but again, sex is not nearly important enough at this point to drag my kids through a divorce and a battle in which we decide who lives with whom.

I was intrigued with the idea of a three-some – two women pleasuring one man. I even almost had the spouse convinced to do that. Surprise, huh? But the opportunity presented itself to me and so I took it. I didn’t really find it enjoyable and so it too is a “eh – been there, done that” thing and I don’t have a desire to repeat it.

My year ended and I came back to my spouse without him ever knowing what had transpired during those weekends he okayed me to leave. I came back knowing that things had to change or we were never going to make it, and I was going to wither away. We talked, cried, and kept all of it our pain behind our bedroom door. No one knew except my mother. I left Lit. to work on my marriage. That worked well for a short while. We tried new things, introduced toys and such, different positions, but soon it became evident to me that whatever I liked and he didn’t like was abandoned, but everything he liked was allowed to continue.

The only thing I’ve been able to maintain control of is my body and my right to let him use it when I want him to. My toys – all are gone but one – no money available for me to purchase any more. Touching myself - no longer allowed, my hands pushed away – oral sex for me ---- that’s a memory that I have to really think long and hard about in order to recall the sensations.

*** as I read through this prior to posting I realized --- my spouse is a dominate man - he's manipulated our bed all our lives and I've allowed it. ***
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Old 05-16-2012, 03:45 PM   #14
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Red, this sounds so sad :-(

I am seeing how easy it is for a dom to take advantage or abuse trust esp. if they are dealing with someone who doesn't have the experience to know how to deal with it. It requires a lot of trust and you are in a very vulnerable position.

For some reason, guys send me toys. Maybe its because I am not really into them. Maybe because I know people in the industry... If anyone sends me any new toys, I will forward them to you.

I think you need to take back your sexual power in your marriage slowly but surely. You are being sexually abused if your hands get pushed away and he doesn't replace them with his tongue or own hands. he is beyond dominate, he is being abusive.
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Byron's Wake and Super Cool Threads.

I did feel like Icarus-Byron in Exile

"You gave him a gift that so many people can only dream of experiencing, and he gave you one, too. You invigorated and soothed him; you helped him find his music again. You deserved more time, but I am so happy that the time you spent together was so joyful and special and full of laughter. You gave him bwankets and I could see his tail wag. He felt you, and he took you with him everywhere. I think he took part of you with him to wherever he is now. That's part of why it hurts so much." Phelia on Byron to me.
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Old 05-16-2012, 04:08 PM   #15
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I'll probably shut up for a while and answer more questions later - kinda makes me sick to my stomach thinking of it all again. I've shared a lot of this online throughout the years, so what you are just now hearing others know about, so I don't want to sound like a broken record.

I'm not wallowing in my past anymore, not really. I share my experiences so other women and men know they aren't alone. I'm sure some see it as me looking for a pity party - I'm not. I really am not looking for that at all. I'm simply sharing my story - again.

I know it is a form of abuse. I never saw it as that. My sisters both married men that would beat them and belittle them, causing loss of hearing in one sister, multiple miscarriages in another. My spouse - - - his was different and because I didn't now better I didn't see it before I was very deep in. He provides everything we need as a family unit - a job, roof over our head, food on the table, etc. Allows me the luxury of being that stay-at-home mom and my hang up regarding sex seems so insignificant - at least it did in the beginning.

I am taking charge back, slowly because the guilt waters are so thick in my bedroom when I refuse to give in. I told him a few weeks ago I was considering talking to a counselor - just as a way for me to unload some of life's burdens. He didn't have much to say to that, I think he fears me doing so and I think he knows now that if I do decide to do that, he won't be able to stop me. Where before when I suggested counseling it was a marriage counselor and I asked him to do some of the work, to put forth some of the time to help find the right one - he kept putting it off and so I did everything except make that first appointment. I asked him to do that one thing for us - he never did.

When our finances settle to a more manageable state I'll seek a counselor, like I said, just to unload some burdens --- there are many.
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Old 05-16-2012, 05:51 PM   #16
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Yes, its good to unload things, its a start to change and better things. Most of my stuff are is elsewhere as well. I think its important for people not to feel isolated or alone when there are problems you can't let people see in real life.

Recognizing abuse is always easier in others than yourself. Often things start out one way and slowly become abusive. I think abuse stems from fear of losing power, control, frustration and a lack skills to find other ways to maintain self-esteem.

I am sure there are some cold heartless bastards out there, but supposedly only 1% of the population has a true Narcissistic personality disorder and can not change.
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Byron's Wake and Super Cool Threads.

I did feel like Icarus-Byron in Exile

"You gave him a gift that so many people can only dream of experiencing, and he gave you one, too. You invigorated and soothed him; you helped him find his music again. You deserved more time, but I am so happy that the time you spent together was so joyful and special and full of laughter. You gave him bwankets and I could see his tail wag. He felt you, and he took you with him everywhere. I think he took part of you with him to wherever he is now. That's part of why it hurts so much." Phelia on Byron to me.
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Old 05-16-2012, 07:43 PM   #17
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How has your view and experience of sex changed over the course of your sexual lifetime?
As teenagers we were all primed by our hormones to reproduce.
I fell in love, GOD I fell so much in love with Chris, he was the ONE for me.
It was puppy love, but never since has anyone been able to match that teenage fervor and as I sit here and reflect I know I never will again.

I think I burned out all of my love and even though I have 2 wonderful boys from a perfect seed I still rue that wonderful, all devouring feeling.
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Old 05-17-2012, 02:41 AM   #18
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Tonight, I am reminded of what could have been, the why of my surgery, the reality of my surgeon's fear, and how quickly cancers can spread even when they appear contained, or masses that turn malignant when no one is looking.

I was and continue to be very lucky. Although I don't really believe in miracles, I would strongly like one for my friend who has not been so lucky.
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5th of Tamuz

Byron's Wake and Super Cool Threads.

I did feel like Icarus-Byron in Exile

"You gave him a gift that so many people can only dream of experiencing, and he gave you one, too. You invigorated and soothed him; you helped him find his music again. You deserved more time, but I am so happy that the time you spent together was so joyful and special and full of laughter. You gave him bwankets and I could see his tail wag. He felt you, and he took you with him everywhere. I think he took part of you with him to wherever he is now. That's part of why it hurts so much." Phelia on Byron to me.

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Old 05-17-2012, 01:32 PM   #19
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Noor
Have there been times when you stopped being sexual, and if so, what brought you back?
This question isn't too emotional for me to answer, so I'll slip my response in today.

I think by reading my past post that this question is already answered. I’ve stopped being sexual many times. Going to a place where I hoped he would accuse me of being a “cold fish” or an “Ice Queen” just so the lines of communication would open.

To bring it back – I use fantasies that I provide via friends I talk to, or story ideas, though the story idea fantasies don’t work all that well, because then I start thinking of plot and character development. Also, if I am really aching for some type of raw hungry sex, I can drink myself into a state of horniness that can only be satisfied with a cock. I don’t do this very often because as great as the climaxes are, I don’t like the morning after when I feel sick to my stomach and want to die. I’m also not fond of the taste of alcohol, so my alcohol has to be disguised as a fruity drink and again – I’m not a bartender, so having me mixing drinks is usually a hit and miss experience. When I am drunk though, I relax with him and am able to forget who is fucking me and it lasts longer, because I’m more willing to do whatever he wants to get a reward that is equal to his.

Also I build some sort of trust with a friend online and through that mutual attraction I am able to allow myself to slowly come out of my shell, relax with them and share with them an intimate part of me that I can't seem to share at home.
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Old 05-17-2012, 01:53 PM   #20
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Originally Posted by RedHairedandFriendly View Post
This question isn't too emotional for me to answer, so I'll slip my response in today.

I think by reading my past post that this question is already answered. I’ve stopped being sexual many times. Going to a place where I hoped he would accuse me of being a “cold fish” or an “Ice Queen” just so the lines of communication would open.

To bring it back – I use fantasies that I provide via friends I talk to, or story ideas, though the story idea fantasies don’t work all that well, because then I start thinking of plot and character development. Also, if I am really aching for some type of raw hungry sex, I can drink myself into a state of horniness that can only be satisfied with a cock. I don’t do this very often because as great as the climaxes are, I don’t like the morning after when I feel sick to my stomach and want to die. I’m also not fond of the taste of alcohol, so my alcohol has to be disguised as a fruity drink and again – I’m not a bartender, so having me mixing drinks is usually a hit and miss experience. When I am drunk though, I relax with him and am able to forget who is fucking me and it lasts longer, because I’m more willing to do whatever he wants to get a reward that is equal to his.

Also I build some sort of trust with a friend online and through that mutual attraction I am able to allow myself to slowly come out of my shell, relax with them and share with them an intimate part of me that I can't seem to share at home.

Somedays I wish I drank.
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Byron's Wake and Super Cool Threads.

I did feel like Icarus-Byron in Exile

"You gave him a gift that so many people can only dream of experiencing, and he gave you one, too. You invigorated and soothed him; you helped him find his music again. You deserved more time, but I am so happy that the time you spent together was so joyful and special and full of laughter. You gave him bwankets and I could see his tail wag. He felt you, and he took you with him everywhere. I think he took part of you with him to wherever he is now. That's part of why it hurts so much." Phelia on Byron to me.
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Old 05-17-2012, 02:02 PM   #21
RedHairedandFriendly
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Somedays I wish I drank.
I think I am lucky in regards to drinking. Seeing as I don't want to actually taste the alcohol, the drinks I do want are super expensive, so I don't get them often. I don't mix them well at home, so I don't drink often here. I am not a clubber, so no partying and I don't like the morning after. lol I am the only one out of my 3 sisters, and my mom and dad that is not an alcoholic. All 5 of them are either currently alcoholics, or recovering. I never indulged much before I was of age and never indulged much after - it's just not my thing.
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Old 05-18-2012, 09:24 PM   #22
Noor
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So it seems that other voices can be interesting too, not really a new voice but one I hadn't heard in years, must investigate further...

Also working up to the physical. Compared scars colors with a nice guy who is part of my weekly dinner/bbq/Dr Who hang out, felt pretty comfortable doing that.
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5th of Tamuz

Byron's Wake and Super Cool Threads.

I did feel like Icarus-Byron in Exile

"You gave him a gift that so many people can only dream of experiencing, and he gave you one, too. You invigorated and soothed him; you helped him find his music again. You deserved more time, but I am so happy that the time you spent together was so joyful and special and full of laughter. You gave him bwankets and I could see his tail wag. He felt you, and he took you with him everywhere. I think he took part of you with him to wherever he is now. That's part of why it hurts so much." Phelia on Byron to me.
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Old 05-19-2012, 08:01 AM   #23
janeyl
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This is a very interesting and thought provoking thread Noor...thank you to the Litsters who have contributed. I wish I was as articulate as all of you...but your sharing has really touched my heart and mind...

J
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Old 05-19-2012, 08:28 PM   #24
Noor
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This is a very interesting and thought provoking thread Noor...thank you to the Litsters who have contributed. I wish I was as articulate as all of you...but your sharing has really touched my heart and mind...

J
Thanks! Nice seeing you here.

You could give it a try ;-)
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5th of Tamuz

Byron's Wake and Super Cool Threads.

I did feel like Icarus-Byron in Exile

"You gave him a gift that so many people can only dream of experiencing, and he gave you one, too. You invigorated and soothed him; you helped him find his music again. You deserved more time, but I am so happy that the time you spent together was so joyful and special and full of laughter. You gave him bwankets and I could see his tail wag. He felt you, and he took you with him everywhere. I think he took part of you with him to wherever he is now. That's part of why it hurts so much." Phelia on Byron to me.
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Old 05-19-2012, 08:40 PM   #25
simpletimes
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This is a very interesting and enlightening thread. I hope you don't mind if I join in with my thoughts. I was brought up by my mother, I am an only child, though I do have some step & half siblings around. I am the only child she ever had. Her view of sex, was that it was required as a spouse, not necessarily a act that was enjoyed. I joined the Navy when I was 17, and yes, I did the typical sailor things in our ports of call.
I have been married twice, first time 5 years, second time 25 yrs. The second marriage was great in the first 10 years, my wife was very open and sexual, until she became "born again." Her views on sex changed dramatically.
At this point in my life at 57, I do not have a sex life, and don't really want one. I enjoy writing and reading about all the exploits, and I have done a RP now and again.
Now I think my only useful sexual organ is my mind.
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