question for other subs

DominateMePleas

Experienced
Joined
Dec 24, 2011
Posts
59
hullo!

*deep breath* I'm extremely new to this world.... I recently learned that my extreme subservience is quite dangerous for myself. I have a lot of past trauma after trauma to heal from. including being a domestic abuse survivor.


if you were me, what would you do differently? as you're learning about yourself and exploring a side of your sexuality previously never acknowledged..... wishing to learn what you like and REALLY like *radiant smile* allowing yourself to revel in new experiences. while being true to yourself, which is now a kaleidoscope

how would you make yourself stronger, less easily swayed?

to be able to protect and defend yourself against predators?
 
As I do not know the entire story, I am speaking with advice that is preached religiously here. I get it preached to me enough I guess I should preach it to someone else too. :p

Be PATIENT. By that, I mean do not go to the first person you see with a moderately to good post looking for a sub and assume they will be a great person. Get to the know the person before you submit to them. Do not just ask questions; Wait a few days wait a month hell wait a year before you say you are ready and think you know them.

Go into this with a mindset that this will take a long time. I know instant gratification is the standard in this information age, but sometimes its best to wait and watch.

The problem is that you will never know for sure that someone is not going to hurt you. There is always a very high chance that that someone will.
 
hullo!

*deep breath* I'm extremely new to this world.... I recently learned that my extreme subservience is quite dangerous for myself. I have a lot of past trauma after trauma to heal from. including being a domestic abuse survivor.


if you were me, what would you do differently? as you're learning about yourself and exploring a side of your sexuality previously never acknowledged..... wishing to learn what you like and REALLY like *radiant smile* allowing yourself to revel in new experiences. while being true to yourself, which is now a kaleidoscope

how would you make yourself stronger, less easily swayed?

to be able to protect and defend yourself against predators?

*Very opinionated view of the subject...*

You get your shit together, as a person, then apply those lessons to yourself as a submissive. This may mean therapy. It may mean identifying old patterns you don't want to repeat [and unlearning the habits/autopilot traits that led to those old patterns - see therapy comment above]. It may mean taking a break from relationships. It could mean setting X goals, and accomplishing them. It might mean "starting over". It might mean reading a lot of self help books. It might even just mean saying "fuck it" and deicing XYZ will never happen again. (That last one rarely works in a vacuum, by the way...)

Unhealthy vanilla relationship patterns will continue to be an issue in kinky relationships, until you take the steps to change the unhealthy relationship patterns. If you have a history of domestic violence, you will not only need to overcome those negative/dangerous behavior patterns, but understand/recognize/have skills in place for if/when BDSM causes a "trigger" or flashback.
 
For me, I think it's really important to confine the sub/dom relationship to the bedroom (or wherever... but only for sex play). Otherwise I have to keep reminding myself not to keep acting like a sub during everyday life. It becomes kind of a slippery slope but you and your partner could work together to keep it safe and healthy.
 
Having Been There Myself

There are some things that you may never ever "heal" from or "recover" from - you WILL have flashbacks (despite the best therapy) and there will be moments when something will trigger you to act out of your fears. One of the things that helped me the most was to spend some time (years in fact) living alone and outside a relationship - and even then there were still times when I would think, "Oh, I can't do the bedroom in pink - and then catch myself and say, yes I can - I can do it in pink or purple or green or any damn way I want now because it can be the way I want it now" YOU have to get in touch with who you are - spend some time alone with yourself. (I'll repeat the suggestions about therapy and self-help books - meditation is also helpful) Get to know yourself and who you are. You cannot be true to yourself within a relationship until you know who you are and can be true to yourself in your own life. Hugs and encouragement - the first, biggest step is knowing and admitting that you have to do this! Congratulations for being there:rose::rose::rose:
 
My submmissive side during sex has helped me work through some of my backround. However, be sure to find someone you can really trust. Take your time.
 
My submissive side scares me in that I cannot see the bottom limit of my submission. Once I start the slide into a fully submissive entanglement I’m not sure that I could ever pull out and recover to my prior life.
 
I am an alpha in everyday life that can be full of stress. I have found that allowing myself to be submissive to masculine men provides a balance to my alpha side. Allowing my self to be used for my dom’s pleasure has become a necessary release.
 
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