Is it possible to have a plain vanilla sex?

So I'm in a close and intimate relationship with a straight vanilla type girl. On all other fronts besides sex, she is great.

The other day, I had been watching Fashionistas, and she found one of the DVDs that I neglected to put away. (What an idiot I am.) She commented, "what in the world is that?" I ignored her request, and she never asked again.

Lately, during our intimacy sessions, I have had to clear out my head. I think of things like pulling her hair, making her repeat nasty sayings....You know.

Is it possible that someone who has BDSM leanings to have a vanilla relationship? I really don't want to go fulfilling my needs outside of our relationship.

WF

Of course it's possible.

But different people will find it satisfying on different levels. As with any sort of relationship, it might not work for everyone.

If you're unhappy and DO need to involve more kink in the bedroom to stay satisfied, then this relationship probably won't work for you.

Is it possible? Yes.

Is it possible *for you*? You tell us.

I can, but only with people I know I can have not vanilla sex with also.

I would suggest it might be healthier in a self-actualization/fulfilling relationship wise sort of way to I dunno... actually communicate/talk about this, instead of ignoring the elephant sitting down to dinner.

For example - why did you ignore her question? It could have been an excellent opportunity to talk about your sex life... you might have found out she's not nearly as straight and narrow vanilla as you think, or that she's open to "experimenting" with light BDSM. If your sex life is unfulfilling enough that you're talking about not really wanting to go outside the relationship to meet your needs, then you either need to communicate your needs (in hopes of coming to an agreement) or decide if your needs are important enough that you need to find someone with whom you feel sexually compatable. I can tell you the boards are full of people who hid their kinks/didn't tell their partner/assumed their partner wouldn't be open to XYZ for years, and it didn't make their sex lives (or relationships) any better.

Well I'm working on integrating more into our bedroom activities. She has the traits of someone who can be difficult, in her professional life. I like that about her. In the bedroom, we are okay for the intimacy time. It is quite clear I may need more than she is comfortable with.

I made her masterbate in front of me. I cut off all stimulus to her until she would. She did it, and seemed to enjoy it at the time. Then the next day she tells me that is out of her comfort zone.

We shall see I guess. I was wondering if any of the people on this forum have had a similar successful experience.

WF

CutieMouse said:

I would suggest it might be healthier in a self-actualization/fulfilling relationship wise sort of way to I dunno... actually communicate/talk about this, instead of ignoring the elephant sitting down to dinner.

For example - why did you ignore her question? It could have been an excellent opportunity to talk about your sex life... you might have found out she's not nearly as straight and narrow vanilla as you think, or that she's open to "experimenting" with light BDSM. If your sex life is unfulfilling enough that you're talking about not really wanting to go outside the relationship to meet your needs, then you either need to communicate your needs (in hopes of coming to an agreement) or decide if your needs are important enough that you need to find someone with whom you feel sexually compatable. I can tell you the boards are full of people who hid their kinks/didn't tell their partner/assumed their partner wouldn't be open to XYZ for years, and it didn't make their sex lives (or relationships) any better.

Click to expand...

Excellent point about a missed opportunity. I should have addressed it, and played it by ear. It was like being caught though. Have you seen the DVD art? Bit intense.

I had even cleaned out my house of erotic books, and toys. Maybe she should see something like that.

Ohh, FYI, we are in a monogamous relationship and exclusive, and both been married before. Damn, she is meeting my parents this week.

WF

wayfarm said:

Excellent point about a missed opportunity. I should have addressed it, and played it by ear. It was like being caught though. Have you seen the DVD art? Bit intense.

I had even cleaned out my house of erotic books, and toys. Maybe she should see something like that.

Ohh, FYI, we are in a monogamous relationship and exclusive, and both been married before. Damn, she is meeting my parents this week.

WF

Click to expand...

Dude. You cleared out your kink collection? Why? If it's part of you, that's kind of like hiding a part of who you are from her... if she's as wonderful as you think she is, don't you think it might be doing her a disservice to not trust her with (slowly) getting the whole picture? Give the woman a chance to make an informed decision about who she's falling for. I'm not saying pull out the leather wrist restraints and ball gag next time you're together, but don't hide the books and such... those are clues to who you are, and nothing to be ashamed of.

CutieMouse said:

Dude. You cleared out your kink collection? Why? If it's part of you, that's kind of like hiding a part of who you are from her... if she's as wonderful as you think she is, don't you think it might be doing her a disservice to not trust her with (slowly) getting the whole picture? Give the woman a chance to make an informed decision about who she's falling for. I'm not saying pull out the leather wrist restraints and ball gag next time you're together, but don't hide the books and such... those are clues to who you are, and nothing to be ashamed of.

Click to expand...

wrist restraints....No, dont' have anything like that, nor the ball gag. I would need for her to be able to touch me and hear her.

I'm going to get there with her. No not a checklist, but at least intro some ideas to her.

I'm of the thought that when you love someone, you have more of an ability to accept things that are out of your comfort zone. Growing together. As we get to that point in our relationship, it is there that I would feel safer with introducing dominant - submissive type roles. Hell, she maybe more than I bargained for. Or, it will just fizzle. But, to say something too early is possibly to be judged too soon.

Thanks for the input. It is great to see this outside of my own views.

WF

Your question is a good one.

"Is it possible that someone who has BDSM leanings to have a vanilla relationship?"

I am not gonna beat around the bush, I am just going to say no. Granted there might be exceptions because not all people are the same but I am still going to say no.

The problem is that this type of problem tends to esculate. Sexual compatibility is very important for two people to make a long go of it and have a lifetime of happiness together.

IF

BDSM and D/s is that important to you, then getting together with a partner that is not into it is not good for you or them. IMO if you are just beginning your relationship and have reached a point to talk about such matters between you, then being open about your sexual tastes, wants and desires is important.

That's not to say you have to dump the whole kitten and kabottale on the person at once. But you should begin to open dialog, communication or discussion regarding it and being open about it.

If she had unique sexual desires, wouldn't you want to know about them before hand so you could decide if you wanted to be in the relationship?

I guess my point about this is that you need to be honest with yourself before you can be honest with another person. The question is, can you live a lie or continue to deny your own sexual needs and in doing so also decieve your partner too? How fair is that to either of you?

As cliche as it may sound, the heart loves what the heart loves. Your soul craves what your soul craves. Can you exercise self control over your lust and desires, of course you can, but will doing it make you happy or satisfied?

The decision you make is not just about you, it will ultimately affect your partner too, more than you can possible imagine.

Let's just say that you give it a go now, keep these desires to yourself and you two make it for 3 years together, but this need and desire of yours continues to build and build. Finally you decide you can't keep it to yourself any longer and you then open up about it. Put yourself in her shoes. Imagine getting that wake up call, that she has not sexually satisfied you over the past three years. Imagine the emotional and mental blow to her ego that would cause. Turn it around, what if in three years from now she told you that she loves you very much but honestly she has desires for other women and she doesn't feel sexually satisfied by you. How would that make you feel? Especially when you ask her how long had she had these desires and she told you ever since you two have been together. How understanding would you be if she said, I'm sorry, I thought I could keep these desires of mine in check or ignore them? Perhaps you might be understanding, but it doesn't address the issue of not being honest with yourself or with her from the beginning.

Yes there is risk in sharing this part of you, but this part of you is not likely to just go away or magically disappear. You might as well try to make a gay man straight or a striaght man gay. If BDSM is part of what makes you tick, what arouses your passion, then I don't think vanilla will be enough to satisfy. That leaves you with only two options, to try and stuff your feelings and use self control over an entire lifetime....(doesn't sound fun to me)...or to be honest about it with your partner and hope she will try and understand, or even share some of the same things as you do. If not and she walks away, that is better than waitinng 3 years and having it happen then. Sooner or later it will come out, you have the chance now to control how it does and to be honest with the one you love. Later things will be more complicated and you might not get to dictate the terms in which things come out or are handled. Imagine if kids are part of the picture as well? They too will get affected if mom and dad can't work out their sexual preferences and split up.

Think long and hard about it. Its a decision that will not only affect you, but your partner and any others who may become part of the picture down the road.

If you can walk away from BDSM and not look back, then more power to you, but if you can't, then you should be honest about it with the person you are with.

Good luck to you, its a hard decision because it will have life-long altering consequences both good and bad and there is no way around that.

~Rich

Good thoughts, and certainly, a type of hurt that I would avoid inflicting on anybody.

I know that I wouldn't last three years. I'm struggling here with what details to provide. She and I are Christian, and should we get married, we will have waited. To me the BDSM is in the head space. It is a type of plant that is enjoyed and seeds are planted.

The scary parts are if I lose myself. We were involved in some prolonged kissing, and I found my hand wrapped deeply into her hair. I almost started pulling it back. Whoa, my heart started racing at that one. Poor girl would have gotten quite a stir on that one.

I don't know to what degree BDSM activities are used in the daily lives of this community, but to me, I can have plain vanillla probably 70% of the time. But it is that desire to control, and temptation to mind bind that I get wrapped around. Losing that seems like losing some of my imagination.

So, what I'm understanding is that it is more than appropriate to share with her where my mind is, even if we are not going there right now.

WF

I have a good friend that is talking about doing just that. She has had a string of bad luck, and is thinking that vanilla might treat her better. Personally, I disagree, for many of the same reason RJMasters posted. It is a very deep part of her personality (and she is sooo good at it), and I personally think that she'll not be satisfied if she does make this choice.

But different folks work different ways, and it is not my place to say. I know that I walked away for a while, and came back. I don't know that I could fully turn my back on it.

Know thyself.

Yeah, I don't think it would be wise to hide your preferences to someone you have an intimate relationship with. It sounds like your preferences are pretty strong if you are already imagining doing/saying those things to her.

If she already saw the DVD and asked about it she must have questions in her mind about you already. Plus, the fact that you didn't answer would be raising either some red flags or interest in her mind. Unanswered questions like that are never a good sign.

Maybe you could leave something relatively tame out for her to see and wait for her to ask about it so you can have an easy way to start explaining what you like and why. It could turn out that she might like some kinky things but has never heard of them or had the opportunity to talk to anyone about it.

I wouldn't begin a relationship with someone you were not sexually compatible with. Lots of people, myself included, are married to people we love who are not into it and it just really sucks....seriously.

My husband wants to try it, after 10 years of vanilla, and maybe it will work and maybe it won't. I'm sure it will be better than what we've had but even as great as our relationship is in every other way I don't think I would start over with someone I couldn't share this part of myself with from the beginning. I'm hopeful for us now but if he doesn't really love it, its not going to be the same.

wayfarm said:

She and I are Christian...

Click to expand...

wayfarm said:

I made her masterbate in front of me. I cut off all stimulus to her until she would. She did it, and seemed to enjoy it at the time. Then the next day she tells me that is out of her comfort zone.

Click to expand...

Out of her comfort zone? Out of her sexuality comfort zone, or just plain out of her comfort zone because she feels guilty of doing sexual things outside of being married?

If you don't know the answer to that you should find out. You should ask her if you were both married, would she still find that to be outside of her comfort zone in doing that for her husband. That would be a very important question to ask I think as it would tell you if she is struggling with the kinkiness of it or if she is struggling with her own faith and feeling guilty about doing activities of this nature.

Either way I would think that is something very importnat for you to want to know.

wayfarm said:

So, what I'm understanding is that it is more than appropriate to share with her where my mind is, even if we are not going there right now.

Click to expand...

I think that sex is just one of those areas you two should be discussing if you are seriously considering marraige. You two should be talking about how compatible you are in many things. How does she see the household? How do you?

Have you asked her serious what her expectations are of a husband, emotionally, spiritually, finacially, sexually...etc....

If not perhpas you should start there and ask her what her thoughts are on these things. This will also open up the discussion for you to share equally your thoughts on what your expectations are of a wife.

You have a right to know what she wants, and she has a right to know what you want. If you feel that "once" married, your marraige bed is your domain, that her body is not her own but is yours, and visa-versa that your body is not your own but hers, then she needs to know what she is going to say "I Do" too.

If you feel you are going to be head of the household she ought to know that before she says "I do". If you are going to share being head of household as a team, then she needs to know that too...."before" she says "I do".

Because if neather of you know, then your both basically going to say "I do" but not have the slightest clue what your commiting to except a vague notion that you are romantically attractied to one another.

One last thing, if you both are Christian, and you both take your belief and faith seriously, you best believe that she is measuring your character and the type of man you are. She is judging how much she will be able to trust you in how you treat and respect her now, especially in the area of her faith. If you are doing things with her of a sexual nature that is wounding her conscious, your gonna pay a dear price for that later on when it comes to trusting you and surrenduring to you.

Marriage should never be an act of seduction, but rather one of honest purpose of two people vowing and commiting a lifetime devoted eagerly to the happiness of one another not only in love but in sacrifice. It would be nice for her and you to know what you are devoting yourselves to and committing yourselves to before you say the words "I do".

In saying all this, I just want to remind you that you don't need to throw all this out there at once and over whelm her. Go slow and take your time. How you share all this is as important as what you share. You might want to start by asking her questions and "listen" to her. Ask her what her thoughts are on things before marraige and if those change after marraige.

Anyways, I have probably rambled long enough. I hope I have given you some things to think about.

Oh and the crazy, in love, endorphins only last 4 years. Not having your kink in common really stinks when the mere thought of that person no longer turns you on like it does in the beginning of a relationship. Suddenly vanilla sex becomes just a huge chore. The hormone change happens in all long term relationships, its not a choice, its just biology.

My husband has questioned the intensity of my love for him for years becuase I was such a dead fish in the bedroom. Its very confusing and harmful for the other person when they can't turn you on and don't know why.

alexanna said:

Its very confusing and harmful for the other person when they can't turn you on and don't know why.

Click to expand...

Well said.

This thread strikes such a nerve. My husband and I were religious and did not have sex before marriage. I so regret not telling him beforehand my desires. Honestly there is a HUGE possibility he wouldn't have accepted it and the relationship may have ended but this has been such a source of heartache for both of us I would never be able to do that again in good conscience.

At the time I was young and it seemed like not being BDSM was what God would want so I tried to deny it. At least you don't seem to be doing that which is good. For me it just isn't possible to go on pretending. I will go on being a good wife no matter what happens, but I'm done pretending to be vanilla.

Wayfarm:

You can have vanilla sex even though you tend to lean towards BDSM. But it's hard, it's confusing, and often frustrating.

You have to tell her; you have to be honest with her and with yourself. Alexanna is completely right--it would be unfair to your girlfriend to put her in the position of wondering what she was doing wrong & why she was unable to please you. It's not fair to either of you to hide your true desires.

I have a friend who was talking about not being vanilla before I fully understood what that meant.

A few years ago he met a girl. I don't know where or how. They got serious. At about one year I asked if she was into D/s, he said they hadn't done anything. As in, no sex at all. I was like WTF dude? Y'all have been dating a year what is the hold up? My sense of things was that he had not told her his true desires and was playing a "good guy" to "get" her.

Personally, I think it's wise to kick the tires and take em on a demo drive. Sexual incompatibility, as I painfully learned in my first marriage, is a BIG freaking deal.

Anyway, I gave him The Loving Dominant or Different Loving, I can't remember which, as part of his Christmas one year. I warned him he might want to open it in private and certainly not with small kids in the room. I know she saw that. I know she saw pictures of him with a collar on at a kink type con. (A bit confusing since he considers himself a PYL.) These both could have been explained away.

My sense is that for 2-3 years of courtship they never had sex.

It worked. They are married.

I wish them well.

I just don't understand it.

In sum, I think if you know your desires you should fucking discuss them prior to marriage. I think you should try to ensure y'all are currently sexually compatible. I think it's foolish not to. If you have to hide who you are to get another person it's not likely to work out well.

FurryFury said:

Personally, I think it's wise to kick the tires and take em on a demo drive. Sexual incompatibility, as I painfully learned in my first marriage, is a BIG freaking deal.

Click to expand...

I agree. While it is possible to put up with some differences out of love, a lot of difference is just a tikcet to misery.

My sense is that for 2-3 years of courtship they never had sex.

It worked. They are married.

Click to expand...

Wow, that hurts my head. Ouch. 2-3 days without and I get cranky.

Homburg said:

I agree. While it is possible to put up with some differences out of love, a lot of difference is just a tikcet to misery.



Wow, that hurts my head. Ouch. 2-3 days without and I get cranky.

Click to expand...

*chuckles*

Me too!

I always say if it's been three days it's been a damn lifetime.

hmm its hard to say. having trust issues myself, you've got to tell her. security and trust are cyanide if they are betrayed.

In my experiance, this far, it is possible.

My husband and I don't have an exactly vanilla sex life, but its not far from it. Its not that he isn't turned on by the kink and the BDSM lifestyle, its that he has this terrible fear of hurting me. Now, coming from him that always makes me smile a little. In general he is not a gentle person, he doesn't worry about hurting others. He figures if they can't take what he's got to give they;ll back down - and they usually do.

In my case though (and the case of our son) he's a compeltely different person - and yet we work together well in all aspects of life. Sure, vanilla sex is kind of boring, but he satisfies me anyway, one way or another. My love for him is too strong for it to be any other way.

And, now and then, I am allowed to play with a Dom. I am allowed to have a Master online, if I so choose and if I decide that I need that in my life. It doe snot interfere with our relationship - and that has always been made very clear with any Dom who decided he might want to take me on. My hhusband, my full time life, always come first.

Yes, that puts different limits on the part of me that wants to play - that needs to play - but it's made me abigger, better person. I knwo what I want - for once, and he knows what he wants. And we've worked it out between us.

So, I have to say that, yes, it can work. You jsut have to know what you have to do to keep the relationship happy.

If my husband ever changed his mind and siad he couldn't deal with me having a Dom or Master besides him I'd find a way to deal with it, I dealt with it, and had ahealthy relationship, for three years.

The input is valued, but it seems that some of you are gasping at what I have not shared with her. We are but three months in. At what point did you all share your preferences and leanings?

I think I am capable of putting away a portion of my sexuality. Do I want to, no, can I allow her to take baby steps and possibly grow or not? We are not having intercourse, but we do play to the level of getting each other off. There are some things I'm not sharing here for personal reasons.

My sexuality is no longer the biggest part of my life. I mean, the idea of say a gang bang is hot, but would I participate, no. Do I fantasize sometimes about it, sure, but I won't be doing it. I think I can compartmentalize my feelings of intensity in bed, and dial it back.

Right now, I'm thinking I'll watch 9 1/2 weeks with her, and see how she reacts. If you have any input on light theme introducing movies, I'd appreciate your suggestions.

Best,

WF

Let me go through my collection and see if I can come up with a few titles for you.