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Interesting Research on Polyamory

TarnishedPenny

TarnishedPenny

.
Joined
Dec 4, 2017
Posts
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Study from Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.
Abstract
Consensually nonmonogamous (CNM) relationships allow individuals to fulfill their sexual needs with multiple partners, but research has yet to investigate how having one’s sexual needs met in one relationship is associated with satisfaction in another rela- tionship. We draw on models of need fulfillment in CNM relationships and theories of sexual communal motivation to test how sexual need fulfillment in one relationship is associated with satisfaction in another, concurrent relationship. Across two studies, individuals in CNM relationships (N 1⁄4 1,054) who were more sexually fulfilled in their primary relationship reported greater relationship satisfaction with their secondary partner. In Study 2, men who were more sexually fulfilled in their secondary relationship reported greater relationship satisfaction with their primary partner, but women who were more sexually fulfilled with their secondary partner reported lower sexual satisfaction in their primary relationship. Implications for communal relationships and need fulfillment are discussed.
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http://www.amymuise.com/wp-content/...aughton-Moors-Impett-2018-advanced-online.pdf
 
Lisa and Jamie, and George, and Kristin, and Paul "Punch," and Eva, and Lillian were born 65+ years ago in a small west or maybe southwestern Texas town (different stories give different locales) We went to church and school together, were all XC jocks, and had shared interests and values.

As kids we played silly kids games that evolved into silly adolescent games and silly adult games. Today those games often end with a gal getting spit-roasted by George and Paul. :) Except for military service overseas and three months of basic training, we seven have been together basically forever.

We are very, very happy in life. Why? Great question. We had a lot going for us, great parental role models (not all of them biological ones) a few great teachers. We found a passion that would economically support us. We lived in a time when adolescence was seen as a stepping stone to adulthood, not a permanent state.

We had good Health, and were smart enough to figure things out without being so smart to believe that we already knew everything. We grew up on the arid Savanna of west Texas, then traveled around the hemisphere together before settling down in the Caribbean. These were all important factors.

We think the key was always having one another. At least that is a huge part of it. We had 10 children between the seven of us. Our oldest grandchild might be reading this without breaking the TOS. Most of our kids are poly, but all of them are happy so???
 
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GuessImJamie wrote:
We think the key was always having one another.
Click to expand...

Polyamory (as opposed to swinging) is an interesting concept. A small group of people can form long term, intimate social and sexual relationships outside our social norms.

I think polyamory was probably the way humans first bonded together in prehistory, both for protection and relationships. Over time, we've become more sophisticated (or have we?). Looking at the animal kingdom (horses, elephants, chimpanzees, antelope, etc.), we usually see them living together in small groups.

I'd like to see more research into the subject.
 
Interesting...

I was foolish to believe that one person could completely satisfy all the needs of another person...

All our lives we’re told find your soulmate, a provider, a best friend, and a great lover. They don’t tell you that, that’s impossible.
 
Scareltt said:
I was foolish to believe that one person could completely satisfy all the needs of another person...

All our lives we’re told find your soulmate, a provider, a best friend, and a great lover. They don’t tell you that, that’s impossible.
Click to expand...

Sorry you had that experience. I did. We had 40 years together till she passed in November. I miss her every day.
 
Privates1stClass said:
. Looking at the animal kingdom (horses, elephants, chimpanzees, antelope, etc.), we usually see them living together in small groups.
Click to expand...

Yes to small groups, but that doesn’t necessarily link to polyamory.

Horses are based around stable harems of females and their foals, usually with one male, but sometimes also a few very subordinate males. If there are more than one male, the alpha male mates far more often.

Wolves run in packs, but only the alpha male and alpha female breed. (Unlike dogs, alpha female wolves also urinate to mark territory.)

Chimp troops have both sexes, but violent competition among males for breeding rights is the norm. (Bonobos, of course, are a different matter. :D)

Male and female elephants live apart, only coming together when the latter are in estrus. Males will compete strongly over females in season.

It is, like FB say, complicated.

And, yes, I’d love to see more research.
 
TarnishedPenny said:
Wolves run in packs, but only the alpha male and alpha female breed.
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The notion of the "alpha wolf" is a misunderstanding, based largely on observation of wolves in captivity. The guy who popularised the idea (L. David Mech) has since retracted it after studying wild packs more closely.

The concept of the alpha wolf as a "top dog" ruling a group of similar-aged compatriotsis particularly misleading...

Mech explains, his studies of wild wolves have found that wolves live in families: two parents along with their younger cubs. Wolves do not have an innate sense of rank; they are not born leaders or born followers. The "alphas" are simply what we would call in any other social group "parents."
Click to expand...

https://io9.gizmodo.com/why-everything-you-know-about-wolf-packs-is-wrong-502754629?IR=T
 
Privates1stClass said:
GuessImJamie wrote:


Polyamory (as opposed to swinging) is an interesting concept. A small group of people can form long term, intimate social and sexual relationships outside our social norms.

I think polyamory was probably the way humans first bonded together in prehistory, both for protection and relationships. Over time, we've become more sophisticated (or have we?). Looking at the animal kingdom (horses, elephants, chimpanzees, antelope, etc.), we usually see them living together in small groups.

I'd like to see more research into the subject.
Click to expand...

Swinging is just one form of it, there are several types.
 
Scareltt said:
I was foolish to believe that one person could completely satisfy all the needs of another person...

All our lives we’re told find your soulmate, a provider, a best friend, and a great lover. They don’t tell you that, that’s impossible.
Click to expand...

Not everything is for everybody. Societal convention dictates a lot of bullshit that doesn't and is not going to work a hundred percent of the time. Monogamy is the conservative, puritan view of North America. Not to say it isn't like that in even the most third world of countries- it's just expected and brow beat in to our heads, like christianity and buying american made products. What the don't tell you is the Camry is more american than most amaerican cars, your apple pie has brazillian apple paste in it, the gasoline and diesel to fuel your 'murica horsepower is sourced from the middle east and despite the abrahamic foothold; they are not the oldest, last, or only path to religious prosperity.

That's why there are so many minority sects of people who "go against the grain" of what is deemsd proper living and what society dictates is "normal", a word that is mostly a fallacy even with imposed standards and practices on what we as people should be on practically every aspect. If you don't follow that, then you're some outcast, weirdo freak. Monogamy ain't the only path and we can see that it is not as successful as you would be fooled to believe, even with skewed numbers of comparison.
 
JaxRhapsody said:
Monogamy ain't the only path and we can see that it is not as successful as you would be fooled to believe, even with skewed numbers of comparison.
Click to expand...

I agree 100% with this, but I will add: a lot of people go into poly expecting it to be a miracle solution to everything, and it ain't that. Making poly relationships work still takes time, effort, and being willing to make tough decisions sometimes.
 
Bramblethorn said:
I agree 100% with this, but I will add: a lot of people go into poly expecting it to be a miracle solution to everything, and it ain't that. Making poly relationships work still takes time, effort, and being willing to make tough decisions sometimes.
Click to expand...

But first, you must find willing people... or in my case; person.
 
Interesting, Bramblethorn. We studied Mech in ethology classes when I was in school, but that was a long time ago, before his revised work. Thanks for that.
 
Bramblethorn said:
I agree 100% with this, but I will add: a lot of people go into poly expecting it to be a miracle solution to everything, and it ain't that. Making poly relationships work still takes time, effort, and being willing to make tough decisions sometimes.
Click to expand...

Yeah. People ask me about poly hoping to hear my life is full of debauchery, but poly people only have 24 hours in a day just like everyone else. IME as people get older, have kids etc, most poly configurations morph into couples+friends with benefits, or couple plus less-time-consuming partners, with a very few stable triads or larger households.

Though a lot of that is down to English house prices and job markets. If an eight-bedroom house in Central London had been affordable on four incomes, my life might have been very different.
 
Having no personal experience with this lifestyle, I'm curious about it and have a question for those who are experiencing it or have experienced it:

Did you realize that this was something you wanted before you had it? Or did it somehow happen and then you realized that it works for you? I'm curious how one gets involved in this lifestyle.
 
When Lisa was in grade school in the 60s she made friends with Eva who was the eldest daughter of a Methodist Minister, part of that Church's Holiness Movement. First Lisa, then later Lisa and Jamie would go to the Pastor's personal library with her and read.

PS this act - reading scripture and commentaries instead of playing with dolls and not later, once we were older, going down on one another - is what made us "gay," just ask any of the kids we went to school with.

There is a lot of sex in the Bible, good Holy sex. Adam and Eve were basically brother and sister. Abraham and Sarah definitely were. Abraham sent Isaac, his son with his sister, to his uncles house in order to marry a cousin. After the flood Noah's three sons and thier wives repopulated the world.

Isaac's son with his cousin then married four of his cousins. By the way there are EIGHT types of Biblical marriage. Uh, but one man and one woman where she and not daddy decides who - not in there. Jacob in modern terms married FOUR sisters who were his cousins and had 13 or more children with them.

Polygyny was EVERYWHERE. God told King David he would give him MORE wives if he did not have enough. Not surprisingly David's son Solomon was not made the same offer. When we played house platonically as children our play family had one "daddy" and lots of mommies and kids.

Which worked out well because those two wonderful guys who obligingly played with us back when we were kids. Once they got back from Vietnam, they haven't gone a day without nookie unless they were ill, really ill. Lisa and Eva built our family, we got two great guys to open up and really communicate with us. It was very intentional.

The Apostle Paul in his letter to the Gallatians said that husbands and wives should never refuse intimacy to the other. That we should as King Solomon said, draw deeply from our own wells, be each others source of strength and comfort. That we will be stronger and not look astray if we just take good care of each other.

There are five gals in our family, including Eva who was ordained by the Pentecostal Church at 17. (That's a funny story too. At the time she ran a youth ministry for the Methodist Church but they wouldn't consider her for ordination at her age.) We never say no, it's the first rule, the two guys never say no, it's a two way street.

Life with my six lovers and my close friends is wonderful.
 
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Kumquatqueen said:
...IME as people get older, have kids etc, most poly configurations morph into couples+friends with benefits, or couple plus less-time-consuming partners, with a very few stable triads or larger households...
Click to expand...

Lisa's parents were part of a "group" of like minded young adults back in thier 20s, they played together but never lived together. When we were kids they never explicitly said what thier "special relationship" with these "friends" were. But that they were different and tighter was visible. Like Kumquatqueen says above the pressures of "real life" interjected themselves and most of the others drifted apart over the years leaving just two couples that got together when they could. But not to play bridge.
 
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Kumquatqueen said:
Yeah. People ask me about poly hoping to hear my life is full of debauchery, but poly people only have 24 hours in a day just like everyone else.
Click to expand...

Scheduling. *sigh*

SimonDoom said:
Having no personal experience with this lifestyle, I'm curious about it and have a question for those who are experiencing it or have experienced it:

Did you realize that this was something you wanted before you had it? Or did it somehow happen and then you realized that it works for you? I'm curious how one gets involved in this lifestyle.
Click to expand...

I think some people do approach this kind of stuff in the abstract - "I'm only attracted to women", "I want a poly relationship", "I want a threesome", etc. etc. and then look for partners to fit those preferences.

For me it's more of a person-by-person thing. I meet people, if attraction develops then I think about how I might handle that, and if I'm already in a relationship with somebody else then I'd consider poly as part of that. That happened fairly on in my relationship with my partner, and we established that neither of us was bothered by the idea of the other one sleeping with/saying "I love you" to another person, so it's an option for us.

The two of us have been together most of our adult lives, and in poly situations for most of that. Right now our situation is monogamous, and I don't think either of us are actively looking to change that. But if the right person fell into my, her, or our collective lap, I expect we'd talk about it.
 
eroticstoryspinner said:
Sorry you had that experience. I did. We had 40 years together till she passed in November. I miss her every day.
Click to expand...


I think that part of the challenge is the degree to which society tells us what we are supposed to want. Exclusive and traditional relationships have certain characteristics. I tend to feel that people who find happiness in that paradigm are those who were already predisposed to preferring those relationship characteristics.

The premise that people who are not predisposed to those relationship dynamics will be converted when they meet the right person is problematic and frequently wrong.

For instance, some people see sex as a relatively low priority or have a genuine preference for the stability and comfort of monogamy. Others see it as a higher priority or really want the adventure, stimulation and variety of new partners. And their true disposition might not be reflected in their actual sexual activity. In any event, the premise that once you find the right person you will want to settle down to exclusive monogamy is not universal.

I think that a lot of "traditional values" dynamics presume that everyone wants some variation of the same thing or that certain notions of what works or doesn't work are universal. It just isn't true. This permeates many aspects of life. Whether we want children. How to be successful. How to get along with others. The world is full of people projecting what worked for them onto others as if they found a universal formula as opposed to simply what works for them (I'm not suggesting that you are doing this).

Monogamous marriage is simply what works for some people. It isn't the "right" thing. And there isn't anything wrong with a person or their prospective spouse if that is not what they want. For some of us finding that one person who is everything is impossible because that is not the way we are wired.

I often use food as a metaphor. I have a great love of different types of food. I could never be satisfied eating the same meal all the time. The idea that one dish could be so good that I would never want another just is not conceivable because that does not fit with me and my desires. I know people who are far less foodie who would be quite content with and even prefer a more limited menu. There is no right and wrong. The fact that I prefer more variety in no way means I just haven't found the right dish yet.

As a wife, I am very happy in my marriage. I am in love with my husband. We just aren't sexually exclusive. And I do have relationships with my lovers - they aren't simply fuck buddies. I am just not wired to want only one man to be my everything so for me finding that is impossible.
 
eroticstoryspinner said:
Sorry you had that experience. I did. We had 40 years together till she passed in November. I miss her every day.
Click to expand...

I didn't know this; I'm so sorry for your loss, ES :rose:

I don't believe in soulmates (I think that it's just a math/logic; there's more people in the world than one can ever meet, and therefore, no way to meet a "soulmate") but I strongly believe that a monogamous relationship can be completely fulfilling and that one person can, happily and proudly, be another's best friend, great lover, supportive partner, teacher and happy home. My husband and I have that, too; I hope we'll be as lucky as you and your wife were together :rose:
 
Scareltt said:
I was foolish to believe that one person could completely satisfy all the needs of another person...

All our lives we’re told find your soulmate, a provider, a best friend, and a great lover. They don’t tell you that, that’s impossible.
Click to expand...

You may have had a bad experience, but as far as I'm concerned one wife (female, one husband (male) work very well.
At least, it did for me until her cancer.
 
Vix_Giovanni said:
I didn't know this; I'm so sorry for your loss, ES :rose:

I don't believe in soulmates (I think that it's just a math/logic; there's more people in the world than one can ever meet, and therefore, no way to meet a "soulmate") but I strongly believe that a monogamous relationship can be completely fulfilling and that one person can, happily and proudly, be another's best friend, great lover, supportive partner, teacher and happy home. My husband and I have that, too; I hope we'll be as lucky as you and your wife were together :rose:
Click to expand...

Thank you. best of luck to you.
 
policywank said:
I think that part of the challenge is the degree to which society tells us what we are supposed to want. Exclusive and traditional relationships have certain characteristics. I tend to feel that people who find happiness in that paradigm are those who were already predisposed to preferring those relationship characteristics.

The premise that people who are not predisposed to those relationship dynamics will be converted when they meet the right person is problematic and frequently wrong.

For instance, some people see sex as a relatively low priority or have a genuine preference for the stability and comfort of monogamy. Others see it as a higher priority or really want the adventure, stimulation and variety of new partners. And their true disposition might not be reflected in their actual sexual activity. In any event, the premise that once you find the right person you will want to settle down to exclusive monogamy is not universal.

I think that a lot of "traditional values" dynamics presume that everyone wants some variation of the same thing or that certain notions of what works or doesn't work are universal. It just isn't true. This permeates many aspects of life. Whether we want children. How to be successful. How to get along with others. The world is full of people projecting what worked for them onto others as if they found a universal formula as opposed to simply what works for them (I'm not suggesting that you are doing this).

Monogamous marriage is simply what works for some people. It isn't the "right" thing. And there isn't anything wrong with a person or their prospective spouse if that is not what they want. For some of us finding that one person who is everything is impossible because that is not the way we are wired.

I often use food as a metaphor. I have a great love of different types of food. I could never be satisfied eating the same meal all the time. The idea that one dish could be so good that I would never want another just is not conceivable because that does not fit with me and my desires. I know people who are far less foodie who would be quite content with and even prefer a more limited menu. There is no right and wrong. The fact that I prefer more variety in no way means I just haven't found the right dish yet.

As a wife, I am very happy in my marriage. I am in love with my husband. We just aren't sexually exclusive. And I do have relationships with my lovers - they aren't simply fuck buddies. I am just not wired to want only one man to be my everything so for me finding that is impossible.
Click to expand...

And to each their own. I
 
SimonDoom said:
Having no personal experience with this lifestyle, I'm curious about it and have a question for those who are experiencing it or have experienced it:
Did you realize that this was something you wanted before you had it? Or did it somehow happen and then you realized that it works for you? I'm curious how one gets involved in this lifestyle.
Click to expand...

Both, really. I never really saw the point in a best friend when I was a child, or one relationship once I was an adult. I swore blind for a good year that I wasn't in a relationship with MrKQ, just we kept having one-night stands.

Partly I blame my mum - as an American she's never mastered UK slang so would quiz me on what 'going out' with someone means. I insisted it didn't have to mean having sex (because I didn't want her jumping to conclusions on my life), so she decided it was the same as US 'dating' and therefore you both can and should 'go out' with multiple people at the same time...

But in reality I got to know MrKQ, he'd previously been out with this girl who'd gone abroad for a year, she returned, I went out with her, she went away again, me and him got together, she returned, and there was an obvious conclusion. Until she left again and hooked up with someone else.

Then I just hung out with lots of goths, bisexuals, university lecturers and BDSMers (huge overlaps there...) where multiple partners were pretty much the norm for people in their 20s and not unusual after that.

Next thing you know you've got your boyfriend's stepkids babysitting your kids while you attend your girlfriend's dad's funeral and your partner is caring for elderly parents...
 
Kumquatqueen said:
Then I just hung out with lots of goths, bisexuals, university lecturers and BDSMers (huge overlaps there...) where multiple partners were pretty much the norm for people in their 20s and not unusual after that.

Next thing you know you've got your boyfriend's stepkids babysitting your kids while you attend your girlfriend's dad's funeral and your partner is caring for elderly parents...
Click to expand...

I'm feeling very, very vanilla right now. My imagination isn't. But the rest of me is.
 
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