Feedback Welcome

Hi All,

Well, my first story had been approved.

https://www.literotica.com/s/unleashed-10

As the title of the thread is "Feedback Welcome" your thoughts etc will be appreciated.

Too many typos.

Hello RogueTpr, and good effort.

I didn't notice the typos so much. What I mostly noticed is that while your story is, aside from a few clunky moments here and there, pretty competently written... I have to admit it feels a little rushed. I found myself wanting either more character development, if character is to be the focus -- so we could get a sense of who these people, especially Helen, are as distinct personalities -- or a more leisurely approach to the erotic scenes if those are to be the focus.

Or maybe just more of everything. The story, and the sex especially, seemed to come to an end almost right on the heels of getting started.

Hope that's some help.

Hi CyranoJ,

Thanks for the feedback.....something along the lines of why he was captivated etc?

Yeah, sort of. I mean, you've got the basic parts there: she's lovely, he's a dude, they're attracted to each other, they fuck. That's all fine as far as it goes, it would just hold my attention better as a reader with some more meat on the bones (as it were) of some of those steps.

Flashbacks to my English teacher telling me I need more in my essays!!!

CyranoJ said:

Hello RogueTpr, and good effort.

I didn't notice the typos so much. What I mostly noticed is that while your story is, aside from a few clunky moments here and there, pretty competently written... I have to admit it feels a little rushed. I found myself wanting either more character development, if character is to be the focus -- so we could get a sense of who these people, especially Helen, are as distinct personalities -- or a more leisurely approach to the erotic scenes if those are to be the focus.

Or maybe just more of everything. The story, and the sex especially, seemed to come to an end almost right on the heels of getting started.

Hope that's some help.

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Agreed. Also:

- You are using too many commas (FWIW too few is better than too many)

- Your style is too direct: most of your sentences are statements only about communicating particular pieces of story information (If you break up your comma concoction sentences). If this wasn't fiction I would say that is good except that you are writing fiction. On the flipside you have a touch of Hemmingway clarity since you don't use many adjectives.

You should change the first four paragraphs into about a fifty. The BBQ could have been a wonderful tension filled romantic does-she-like-me, do-I-like-her scene. Maybe have a mutual friend proud of herself for putting them together. Cheesy, both hands grab for the mustard at the same time type of stuff.


Then again - I like story. I think sex is the spice that makes the story taste better.

I think it's better if stories don't start with a lot of narrative summary to introduce the characters. Yours isn't very long, so it wasn't bad. Your writing was wordy. Probably the best start would have been something like:

"Mike, this is Helen. Helen, Mike".

I was at an Australia Day barbeque. At forty four years old, a separated father of two, I was past the weekend night club scene in search of a partner and had hoped to meet someone interesting today. My friend Bill had done the introductions.

"I'm glad to meet you, Helen."

I was. She was easy on the eyes, [blah, blah, blah]

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If you want to start at the café, then something like:

I arrived at the café at the appointed time for my coffee date with Helen. I had met her the day before at an Australia Day barbeque through mutual friends. I was pleasantly surprised when she stood up in greeting and gave me a kiss.

"Morning, Mike," she said smiling, "It's great to see you again."

"You too!" I replied, taking my seat.

We ordered some coffee and chatted away. We had a lot in common - I was a forty-four-year-old separated father of two and Helen was a thirty-nine-year-old separated mother of one.

[Some dialogue]

As we talked, I checked her out. [Description of what she looks like]

[More dialogue]

At the barbeque, we had exchanged the usual dating horror stories, both agreeing that there were some "interesting" people out there. As the day had worn on, we had kept coming back to each other. When the barbeque ended, I had taken a chance and had asked her out for a coffee. I had been over the moon when she had replied yes.

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Overall I thought it was pretty good. Some things that stood out. The first line where you found yourself captivated and entranced by "a woman". My first thought was that you were gay-that could just be me, the more important part is her very boring description-separated mom with a child-what is captivating or entrancing about that? You move into the story and how you met, it flowed easily, but I was still waiting to hear what made her special or different. I didn't find anything.

Little things like repeating the word coffee, that really stood out to me.

"As the day drew to a close, I decide to take a chance and ask her out for a coffee...we decided to meet up for a coffee the next day"
"I was glad we had arranged a coffee date I was certainly going to need a coffee"

You could just keep the first mention of coffee and the second time change it to "we decided to meet the next day". "I was glad...I was certainly going to need it"

At the beginning of one of your paragraphs you start with "anyway". That tells me that everything you just told me was unimportant or just a side note and now you are getting to the reason you are telling the story. I would drop the anyway.

The conversations between them seems very natural, but Mike seems a bit overexcited, too many exclamation points when he speaks. In my mind I see him in a constant state of surprise. Although the conversations are good, the paragraphs around it need work.

"Blinking my eyes to make sure, Helen put her coffee down and...as if nothing happened". This sentence sets it up for Mike to complete another action, but he doesn't and it feels incomplete.

Throughout, there are awkward paragraph structures, some tense issues and spelling problems but skipping that (the experts can help) the sex had all the right elements and words but it just seemed like a list of stuff they did.

"We were completely lost to our desire and passion". Saying it doesn't make me feel it. A few sentences later "Mike, I want to watch you cum!" She announced. That made me laugh, announcing doesn't fit with being lost to passion. She moaned, teased, breathlessly panted, there are a lot of other words that would fit better with being passionate.

I liked the playful end. It gives a hint of their personality and wraps it up as a playful, carefree story. They both need more of that development during the story too. Overall, lighthearted and likeable.

Really need to show their meeting as it happens, or start in the restaurant and let them rehash rather than starting with a summary (telling).

That night I could barely sleep images of her smile and her shapely body kept my mind busy.

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You need some punctuation between sleep and images to separate two independent clauses. I'd go with a semicolon, personally. Read the above quote aloud, and the need for some punctuation will be obvious.

But, I was glad we had arranged a coffee date I was certainly going to need a coffee.

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Same as above. Plus, you don't really need the comma after "But."

"Morning Mike," she said smiling.....
"You too!" I replied taking.......

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Mix up the structure here. This is a habit I've seen before: dialogue tag...-ing verb. Better than the infamous dialogue tag...-ly adverb, but almost as annoying when it's used over and over.

Blinking my eyes to make sure, Helen put her coffee...

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Sounds like Helen was blinking the narrator's eyes. Also, the surrounding paragraph is way too rushed. It's a great place to add some characterization through dialogue and action. It's like you've summarized a scene instead of rendering it on the page.

OK, way too many -ing verbs.

My heart sinking as I heard another deep breathe.

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This is an example where simply changing sinking to sank would change a fragment into a complete sentence.

"... Would you like to come over for a coffee tomorrow?" I asked hurriedly.
"Coffee?" she queried.
"And cake!" I said cheekily.

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Remember the infamous dialogue tag...-ly adverb thing I mentioned earlier? I'm having a small aneurysm here....

The doorbell rang, tried to walk casually to the door, but I am sure it sounded like a herd of elephants approaching.

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The doorbell tried to walk casually to the door?

I found myself being pushed back against the front door, the kiss becoming more frantic and heated. Helen dropped to her knees and unbuckling my belt she released my cock.

"Oh, this MORE than I expected!" she said as she took my cock into her mouth.

"Glad you like it!" I managed to g roan out as start to run my hands through her hair.

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This part is really rushed and has a couple of typos. ("Oh, this MORE than I expected!" and I managed to g roan out as start to run...) It almost feels like you were too excited as you began to write the action. So we, the readers, have no idea what Helen is wearing or what it feels like as the narrator's cock springs free (Is it still flaccid? How does she get the waistband past it? What is he wearing? ) or what it feels like when it goes in her mouth, or what she smells like or even her hair or eye color. There's no need to stop the action and describe, and we don't need every detail (breast size can be left to the imagination, for instance) but some detail would bring the scene to life.

Hi All,

Thanks for the constructive feedback.

My second story has been approved https://www.literotica.com/s/masquerade-31

Hopefully, you will see some improvement.

I'm iffy on the entire adverb thing. I know, Stephen King doesn't like them, but you add them to his work, he still sells his books. I've read plenty of books where the 'ly' description is used and it doesn't take away from them, they are not overly used, but then most of the books I read work to avoid repetition.

Anyway, that's my thoughts on adverbs.

http://io9.com/5437610/seriously-whats-so-bad-about-adverbs

THE PROBLEM WITH ADVERBS IS: THEY DIMINISH GOOD WRITING. Think of monoral records or monochrome movies. They say to readers, I COULDA DONE IT RIGHT IF I WASNT SO FUGGIN LAZY. Like this example: THE LION ACTED FEROCIOUSLY. VS The lion knocked the farmer to the ground and bit off his balls.

The trouble with neophyte writers is that they think "minimize" and "be careful with" means "eliminate all." It doesn't.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with a properly used and properly placed adverb. The problem comes when there is a plethora of useless adverbs. Several of the other problems mentioned could be fixed and prevented from recurring by remembering that a clause that begins a sentence must always refer to the subject of the sentence. e.g. "Blinking my eyes to make sure, Helen. . . "

Also, not every action merits an exclamation point. You cannot add emphasis to a sentence with an exclamation point, you must do it with the words in the sentence. If they don't EXCLAIM, don't try to make them exclaim by adding the punctuation. Add the punctuation after you have made the words, exclaim.