First submission - "A Man Possessed" - would love feedback!

I just had my first contribution go live and already got some very useful feedback; but I'm pretty far down the list of new stories, so wanted to post here as well:

https://www.literotica.com/s/a-man-possessed-pt-01

Looking forward to hearing what people think!

I found it different from the norm. The choice of using first person and present tense is unusual, particularly with the changes in point of view.

There was some imagery that didn't work for me and some word choices I thought might be a little over-the-top. I'll list some examples below.

The story isn't very popular with your readers -- at least not yet. The score on a new story often goes up later in its first day. The chapter is quite short for Lit, and that is probably a big part of the reason. The unusual choice of first person and present tense may contribute. The examples below may also be part of it.

All-in-all I thought it was an interesting setup and could develop to an interesting story. Good luck.


"when we chastely went to sleep the night before"
Chastely? This is one of several adverbs you inserted where no additional description seemed useful.

"my eyes tracing the way the muscle of her thigh curves away towards the floor."
I don't get what you're trying to describe.

"her hips grind against mine"
That makes it sound like they're side-by-side, not in cowgirl. Wouldn't her thighs be grinding against his hips?

"My discrete surface opens up and I erupt forth."
I have no idea what his "discrete surface" might be.

"I long for that wanton tenderness."
I had to go look up the 2nd and later definitions of "wanton" in order to understand this line. The primary definition from Google is "(of a cruel or violent action) deliberate and unprovoked." With that definition the line makes no sense. With any definition, I'm not sure that "wanton" and "tenderness" belong together.

"My guilty, guilty mind."
You know this isn't actually a sentence, right?

My thoughts:
* I think you're writing in a too-literary style for me
* I found the lack of introduction unsettling. I have no clue who anyone is in this story, their age, where they work, etc
* I took me a while to figure out that the scene change meant a point of view change
* Dan's scene made no sense to me. I briefly skimmed most of it
* Another scene change and the female MC is moving close to cheating on her husband. Probably not the most popular subject for EC. Loving Wives would probably be a better fit

What is dross for some is gold for others.

You have received comments from folk who want literal exposition, detail of people, fleshed out characters. What you have written glides above this, your words weave a picture in my mind that fills in their ages, finds their places. You capture emotion and flow beautifully.

You write like me to some extent, which is why I like this, very much. Keep going, you'll get your readers with this poetic kind of style. Push the language, it works. I think 'wanton tenderness' is perfect for describing his obsession!

Oh, and Erotic Couplings is the right place for this, imho, you're going for "erotica", not stroke. EC is a neutral kind of place for experimental writing like this.

Already commented on the story, but: I really like this. I didn't have any problem at all understanding the setting, characters, perspective shifts, etc.

The only criticism I have is that, yeah, the dramatic language does go a bit overboard at times and veers into the nonsensical ("from my abstract vantage", "my discreet surface"). But better overshoot than be boring, I say! You're the Florence Welch of cuckolding porn

@notwise - thank you, and some answers

Thanks for the reactions. To answer your questions:

"Chastely" refers to the fact that they simply went to bed. They didn't have sex the night before. I wanted to convey a sense of domesticity.

She has a toned leg. When she's sitting and he views her from the side, her hamstring curves downward, rather than being parallel to the floor. It's another sign of the sense of reverence he has for her or at least her body. I also wanted to give the reader the sense that she's somewhat muscular.

I thought your comment about her hips was interesting, but if someone is sitting on top of someone else and grinding away, it's a motion I associate with the hips rather than the thighs. Yes, their hip bones would not touch, but I felt it was still a clear description. Maybe not...

"Discrete" as in separate and enclosed. His language in this paragraph is apocalyptic. Destroy, dissolution, a thousand deaths. His discrete surface is the perimeter of his body, which is broken down when he comes. I admit - it's unusual language.

"Wanton" also refers to the quality of being lewd. To me, it has a connotation of hunger. So wanton tenderness is something of an oxymoron, but it's meant to convey a delicate touch implying desire, which to me is uniquely passionate and very true to life.

"You know this isn't a sentence?" Yep. Poetic license. It's a thought appended to her previous state of mind. A dash wouldn't have provided enough emphasis.

crisdixon said:

Thanks for the reactions. To answer your questions:

"Chastely" refers to the fact that they simply went to bed. They didn't have sex the night before. I wanted to convey a sense of domesticity.

She has a toned leg. When she's sitting and he views her from the side, her hamstring curves downward, rather than being parallel to the floor. It's another sign of the sense of reverence he has for her or at least her body. I also wanted to give the reader the sense that she's somewhat muscular.

I thought your comment about her hips was interesting, but if someone is sitting on top of someone else and grinding away, it's a motion I associate with the hips rather than the thighs. Yes, their hip bones would not touch, but I felt it was still a clear description. Maybe not...

"Discrete" as in separate and enclosed. His language in this paragraph is apocalyptic. Destroy, dissolution, a thousand deaths. His discrete surface is the perimeter of his body, which is broken down when he comes. I admit - it's unusual language.

"Wanton" also refers to the quality of being lewd. To me, it has a connotation of hunger. So wanton tenderness is something of an oxymoron, but it's meant to convey a delicate touch implying desire, which to me is uniquely passionate and very true to life.

"You know this isn't a sentence?" Yep. Poetic license. It's a thought appended to her previous state of mind. A dash wouldn't have provided enough emphasis.

Click to expand...

Thank you for the explanations. I could continue conversation about some of the specific points, but that would really miss the point.

Regardless of whether you're writing for Lit or for a broader audience, it's probably a Bad Thing when you need to explain your story -- especially so if you need to explain it to someone who made a concerted effort to understand it.

I do think that you have an interesting setup, and part of that interest is in the rather unique writing style. On the other hand, if you're at all concerned with your reader's reaction, then you might want to tweak your approach a little.

Nice

I disagree with 8letters, notwise, and tennesseered under the story.

The story is a bit 'artsy', and therefore is unlikely to get very high ratings here. But who cares about that. I followed the her-him-her narration switch - though you could have made that a little easier for the reader, perhaps with a reference to 'my breasts' or something like that in the first section.
I thought 'chastely' was clear and concise, and I'm quite happy with occasionally breaking the rules of sentence structure.

I wonder though, if you could have ended on some kind of a hook to entice the reader into wanting to read part 2?

"What is dross to some" - I like it. Well said!

I appreciate the feedback, and fair point on the ending. I did intend it as a teaser. More is coming. I'm working on completing the piece. I also address the change in perspective with voice - someone else made a good suggestion on that.

Well, i'll tell you this. I stopped reading so I can go back later and really check this story out. I see some places where sentences could be shortened for effect, but my usual critical, grammar nazi eye went blind. My brain started clanging. "There's something there, here.' So I will go back and critique? Well, sure, if you wish. But I suspect the word will be "savor"

robertreams said:

"There's something there, here.' So I will go back and critique? Well, sure, if you wish. But I suspect the word will be "savor"

Click to expand...

Yes, it's good writing. Sometimes writing away from the 'norm' (whatever that is) is good, but not always appreciated.

Complete version submitted

I just pressed submit on a complete edit. Look for it, and let me know what you think! Thanks again for all the comments - really helpful and much appreciated. Even if I still largely choose to follow my own muse, it doesn't mean I'm not listening or getting something from every comment.

I enjoyed it, and some of the word choices that didn't work for other commenters worked for me. But it's hard to say much about it based just on this rather short chapter; I think it might've worked better to post a bigger chunk that develops the story further.

Kudos.

I very much appreciate it that your first submission doesn't read like it was fed through ScriptDoctor.

Just a few notes, (which you may have already addressed in your edit):

"chastely went to bed" doesn't work for me, either. "chastely kissed before going to bed" conveys the same sense and is clearer for the reader.

"female Goddess" is completely redundant. IMHO your single worst word choice in the story.

When writing from multiple POVs you need to help the reader out a bit. Put one voice in italics or bold, or find some other way to let your reader know you've switched.

It looks like from where you're going, this might more properly belong in "Loving Wives" than "Erotic Encounters", but I could be wrong.

I definitely enjoyed it. It pulled me in to the headspace of both characters, it felt genuine (which is different than feeling "true") and I'm looking forward to the next installment.

Cheers,
R

Great feedback - I winced at "female goddess." Good point, and a good reminder that everyone needs an editor.

I already made changes related to point of view. A later added section may run afoul of the same criticism, but there's good reason for handling it differently in different places. Most people will probably miss the the meaning of the distinction, but so be it.

I stuck with "chastely went to bed." Funny how much commentary that's gotten, but "chastely kissed" wouldn't be accurate. They don't kiss. They turn off the TV, put away the remote and fall asleep.

The complete edit went under "Loving Wives." I agree - seems like the better home.

I hope you enjoy the remainder and still feel it pulls you into their headspace and that it feels genuine - the latter is the best praise I can imagine.

My next piece will be an even more ambitious leap.

I'm interested in what you might do with it. It can take quite a while to get an edit through. Can you tell us when it goes live?

I will. I made a few final edits while it has been pending, so the moderator may not be sure if it's truly final. It is and can be published any time - I was just taking advantage of its being editable to make a few tweaks. Fingers crossed that it's up there soon. I think folks will really enjoy the way it unfolds and the way I depict things - I have a deliberate pace and a vivid method of description I haven't seen anywhere else.

Here it is: https://www.literotica.com/s/a-man-possessed-pt-01-02

Would love your thoughts - the response from the cuckold crowd has been less than lukewarm so far.

crisdixon said:

Here it is: https://www.literotica.com/s/a-man-possessed-pt-01-02

Would love your thoughts - the response from the cuckold crowd has been less than lukewarm so far.

Click to expand...

The "Loving wives" category is Lit's toughest because its audience tends to be troglodytes. They hate all cheating wives and take even the most innocuous stories personally. I contribute the odd "loving Wife" tale but I ignore almost all criticism of my stories. What I am trying to say is if you expect a great deal of positive feedback for a cuckolding story -- it simply will NOT materialize.

THAT said, The story is not bad and has the definite plus of the husband not being reduced to a drooling dishrag while he witnesses his wife's carnal adventure. Much as I LOVE to sneak in 10 dollar words, into my own stories, this strikes me as a bit over literary and artily pretentious. The perspective is an unusual one and therefore a bit jarring. Usually, these are related in past tense by one or all of the parties. This is a bit limiting. We really don't get anything other than a voyeur's perspective of the wife and friend's emotions. Many readers are going to want more emotional involvement

Perhaps if you wrote companion stories from the same point of view by the wife and her lover you could have a unique three-sided mood piece. All in all, a good effort.

Based on the comments I got to the story itself, I figured the cuckolding space is not the place I want to focus. Some people totally got what I was going for, but most seemed to take it way too seriously. I had a lot more success (4.73 rating) with a subsequent story I posted in exhibitionist and voyeur.

I've done an edit of this story and may publish the revised version to Kindle. Haven't decided yet. All the same language is there - it's consistent with the husband's state of mind - but I added a bridge between her coaxing his obsession out of him and then acting on it. That's the major missing piece.

Thanks for taking the time to weigh in - appreciate it!