More Humour

Handley_Page said:

Brilliant.
I have to admit I used to have trouble with 'Arkansas', but then, it's not an English word, is it.
Where can I get a copy to print, please?

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The pronunciation of "Arkansas" depends on what you're referring to and where you are. The state is (always) "ar-kan-saw." And if you happen to be in that state, the river of the same name has the same pronunciation. But if you're in the state of Kansas, the name of that same river is to be pronounced "ar-kan-zas". I believe it's "ar-kan-saw" in Colorado, where the river rises.

As far as printing is concerned, most web browsers allow you to drag images like that one to your desktop in order to download them.

Handley_Page said:

Where can I get a copy to print, please?

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CarlusMagnus said:

As far as printing is concerned, most web browsers allow you to drag images like that one to your desktop in order to download them.

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Drag image to desktop, then to printer icon.

OR

Right-click on image; SAVE AS to your download or documents folder; then send it to printer, maybe first to a graphics editor in case you want to touch it up.

Hypoxia said:

Drag image to desktop, then to printer icon.

OR

Right-click on image; SAVE AS to your download or documents folder; then send it to printer, maybe first to a graphics editor in case you want to touch it up.

Click to expand...

I'll try it. Thanks

Offensive Sports Team Names - Finally - Let's Fix Them ALL

I agree with our Native American population. I am highly insulted by the racially charged name of the Washington Redskins.

One might argue that to name a professional football team after Native Americans would exalt them as fine warriors, but nay, nay.

We must be careful not to offend, and in the spirit of political correctness and courtesy, we must move forward.

Let's ditch the Kansas City Chiefs, the Atlanta Braves and the Cleveland Indians.

If your shorts are in a wad because of the reference the name Redskins makes to skin color, then we need to get rid of the Cleveland Browns.

The Carolina Panthers obviously were named to keep the memory of militant Blacks from the 60's alive. Gone. It's offensive to us white folk.

The New York Yankees offend the Southern population. Do you see a team named for the Confederacy? No! There is no room for any reference to that tragic war that cost this country so many young men's lives.

While we're at it, the Los Angeles Dodgers brings back bitter memories to Viet Nam vets and will have to go.

I am also offended by the blatant references to the Catholic religion among our sports team names. Totally inappropriate to have the New Orleans Saints, the Los Angeles Angels or the San Diego Padres.

Then there are the team names that glorify criminals who raped and pillaged. We are talking about the horrible Oakland Raiders, the Minnesota Vikings, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Pittsburgh Pirates!

Now, let us address those teams that clearly send the wrong message to our children. The San Diego Chargers promote irresponsible fighting or even spending habits. Wrong message to our children.

The New York Giants and the San Francisco Giants promote obesity, a growing childhood epidemic. Wrong message to our children.

The Cincinnati Reds promote downers/barbiturates. Wrong message to our children.

The Milwaukee Brewers---well that goes without saying . . . Wrong message to our children.

Also geographic names should be changed to reflect the current political mood:
Squaw Valley should be renamed Native American Married Woman Valley.
All references to Indians such as Indian River, Wells, Junction, Road, Springs, etc. will have to be changed.

Fortunately GM cancelled that slanderous vehicle named Pontiac.
Now just the Michigan city has to change its name to something more appropriate i.e. Bankrupt MI.

So, there you go. We need to support any legislation that comes out to rectify this travesty, because the government will likely become involved with this issue, as they should.

Just the kind of thing the do-nothing congress loves . . .

With all of this in mind, it might also make some sense to change the name of the Oregon State women's athletic teams to something other than "The Beavers." ?

Invented by accident

The Microwave Oven

The microwave oven has revolutionized the way we cook and eat. It allows us to heat frozen dinner and leftovers at the push of a button, and many of us wouldn't know a life without conveniences like microwaveable popcorn or instant oatmeal.

In the 1940s, the Raytheon company was working on anti-radar technology. They were using magnetron tubes to try to develop this technology. When one of the scientists noticed the microwaves were causing a candy bar in his pocket to melt, the idea of the microwave oven was first thought of. The scientist, Percy Spencer, went on to create a box in which microwaves could be contained for the purpose of heating up food. If it wasn't for that melted chocolate bar, we may never have had microwaves in our homes today.

An ad found in the Canberra Times, Personal Section :
This bloke deserved to receive a few replies
simply for taking the time to think of this!

Wanted
A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.

Interested?
Then please only read lines 1, 3 and 5;
still interested?
Call me at...... 8250-0327

This is rather Political, but very English:

Recently, while I was working in the flower beds in my front garden, my neighbours stopped to chat as they returned home from walking their dog.

During our friendly conversation I asked their little girl what she wanted to be when she grew up. She said she wanted to be Prime Minister someday.

Both of her parents, Labour Party members, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were Prime Minister what would be the first thing you would do?"

She replied... "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people."

Her parents beamed with pride!

"Wow.....what a worthy goal!" I said. "But you don't have to wait until you're Prime Minister to do that!" I told her.

"What do you mean?" she asked.

So I told her, "You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull out the weeds, and trim my hedge, and I'll pay you £50. Then you can go over to the shop, where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the £50 to use toward food and a new house."
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the £50?"

I said, "Welcome to UKIP."

Her parents aren't speaking to me any more.

Barbie and Lee had been married for many years and decided to take a cruise for their anniversary.

While on the cruise they met many other couples and would usually end up sitting together during meals and tours. One evening towards the end of the cruise the discussion turned towards politics.

Noticing that his wife was quiet, Lee turned to Barbie and asked what she thought about the Middle East Position.

To which Barbie replied, "Oh, I don't know, dear, you know I'm not into any of that kinky stuff."

A bored housewife decides to buy a pet to keep her company during the day. While wandering all around the pet store, she becomes infatuated with a parrot.

As the clerk is checking her out, he warns, "I just want you to be aware that parrot was previously owned by a brothel, and he may have picked up some colorful language."

The housewife says she doesn't mind and takes the parrot home. When she uncovers the cage, the parrot looks around at the new surroundings and says, "BRAWKK! New whore house! New whore house!"

The housewife chastises the bird and it replies this time with: BRAAAWK! New Madam! Hello Madam!" She rolls her eyes and walks away leaving the parrot sitting on it's perch.

When her three teenage daughters come home from school, the parrot livens up and cuts loose with: "BRAWKK! BRAWWK! BRAWKKK! New girls! Hot girls! Hello Girls!"

Finally, her husband comes home from work, just in time for dinner. He walks past the parrot and the feathered one speaks yet again: "BRAWKK!! New customer, girls! Get naked!"

Before the wife can get to the parrot to shut him up, the the bird looks directly at the husband and squawks even louder: "Hi Phil. Twenty-five dollar blowjob special as usual?"

Honk if you love Jesus.

The wife of a preacher talked to her Sunday School class about a wonderful religious experience that she had the previous week:-

“The other day I went up to the local Christian bookstore where I saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly happy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir practice at church so I brought the bumper sticker and put it on the back bumper of my car.

I am really glad that I did. What an uplifting experience followed!

I was stopped at the traffic lights of a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and I did not notice that the light had changed to go. It was a good thing that someone else loves Jesus or I may never have noticed that the lights had changed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy and leaned out the window and screamed: “For the love of God, Go.. Go..., Jesus Christ, GO..!”

Everyone was honking. I leaned out of my window and waved and smiled to all of those loving people and I even honked my own horn a few times to Share in the Love.

A man from way back was yelling something about a "sunny beach". I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage son in the back what this meant, he said it was nothing really, "Probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something".

Well I have never met a person from Hawaii, so I leaned out of the Window and gave him the good luck sign right back. My son burst into laughter. Even he was enjoying the love of this marvellous religious experience.

A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of the cars and were walking towards me. I think they wanted to pray, or ask which church I attended, but that was when I noticed the lights had changed, so I waved one more time to my loving brothers and sisters and drove through the intersection.

Mine was the only car that got across the intersection before the Lights changed again to red. I felt kind of bad that I had to leave them, and all of the love that we had shared, I slowed the car down, leaned out the window, and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one more time as I drove away.

We must Praise the Lord for such a wonderful experience.“

ANON.

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

DG Hear said:

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

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The version I heard is that he'll probably be out of Hospital in 3 weeks.

Some contestants get confused:-



Presenter: What kind of dozen is 13?
Contestant: Half a dozen.

Presenter: What was the principal language used by the ancient Romans?
Contestant: Greek.

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink, I feel shame.

Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and
all of their hopes and dreams.

If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams
would be shattered.

Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

I'm going to start a class action lawsuit against Budweiser for all the ugly women I've slept with over the years.

TxRad said:

I'm going to start a class action lawsuit against Budweiser for all the ugly women I've slept with over the years.

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Wouldn't THEY have the class action against YOU?

TxRad said:

I'm going to start a class action lawsuit against Budweiser for all the ugly women I've slept with over the years.

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You'd have a lot of support for it, I think

TxRad said:

I'm going to start a class action lawsuit against Budweiser for all the ugly women I've slept with over the years.

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Not quite sure if I could be a party to the lawsuit or not. I've never gone to bed with an ugly woman, but I've sure woke up with a few.

Received this from a friend.
dg


Doug Smith is on his deathbed, knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.

So, he says to them:
"Bernie, I want you to take the Avenue Road houses."
"Sybil, take the apartments over in Rosedale ."
"Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Center Mall."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the Don Valley Ravine.

The nurse is just blown away by all this , and as Doug slips away, she says , "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".

Sarah replies, "Property? ... the asshole had a paper route!"

Newfie joke time! (Warning: Anyone from the fine province of Newfoundland and Labrador in Canada who may be offended by reading this... please don't read this!)

Two next-door neighbours, both with the exact same size and style of house, and both of them Newfies, were talking one day.

Newfie 1: "So I put new wallpaper up in my house the other day, eh?"

Newfie 2: "Oh yeah, I've been thinkin' about doin' that too! How many rolls you get?"

Newfie 1: "Twelve."

That weekend, Newfie 2 goes out and buys twelve rolls of wallpaper. He finishes putting up the wallpaper, and it looks great, but he's got six rolls left over. He talks to his neighbour the next day.

Newfie 2: "So I got the twelve rolls of wallpaper on the weekend and finished puttin' it up, but I got six rolls left over."

Newfie 1: "Wow, you too, eh?"

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was,'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.’ The question was worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.
However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck.

Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:


7) It comes in two attractive containers and is high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

Personally I am very grateful to Mr. Budweiser, as he is giving me high hopes of catching TXRad yet.

Anyway, I have brought you a true story. As you know, I was recently elected a school governor in spite of my ardent protests that I am a wholly unsuitable citizen. I went to my first meeting the other night and sat next to a lovely elderly lady who helps out with a great after school club Piglet goes to. I commiserated with her about the accident she recently had, and in that way people do, she insisted on getting out her phone and showing me pix of the state her face had been in afterwards: two black eyes, gosh it was a sight!

She started laughing and told me the gasman had been to call to read her meter while her face was at its worst. He looked appalled when she opened the door and he saw her awful black eyes and cut face. "Don't worry!" she hastened to reassure him. "My partner is dead."

Apparently he couldn't get out of the house fast enough!

Two young ladies, meeting after a period of absence:-

1st. So how are things with the new Boyfriend, then ?
2nd. Fantastic. We have a blissful open relationship which will continue right up until he finds out.

CLIMBING THE TREE...A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree", sighed the pheasant, "but I haven't got the energy" "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. And so on. Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree. The Moral of the Story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

A family text echange

Son where are you?
I'm at a strip club mom
Oh my! Did you see anything you shouldn't have
Besides all the naked women, yeah one thing
Let me guess. Your father
No my sister