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Scared of divorce....

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sweetjen35

Guest
Would love to talk to anyone who was or is scared of divorce.

I have posted before about how unhappy I am in my marriage. I feel so broken and discontent at the moment. Like so many, I say if it weren’t for the kids I’d leave. But I’m just so unhappy.

He’s not a bad man—most people like him. But I’m not in love. I’m not even sure I love him anymore. I don’t like being around him.

For years I have said we are like room mates raising kids. Back when I had room mates, in college, I actually enjoyed them. I did things with them. He’s not even a good room mate.

I could go on and on. Clearly I want out. I’m scared to make the move. I know he will want to do counseling. I don’t. I am not interested in saving this marriage.

Would love to hear from others who were afraid of divorce but took the leap. Or even those who understand my fears and share my reluctance to move forward on a dead marriage.

I KNOW I’m wasting my time and my life. I don’t want to be attacked. I feel very alone right. I had to share and hope someone understands...
 
You are not alone I'm afraid. There are many like you. I would offer the following advice. Take it with a grain of salt.

Be practical in how you look at things and think not just next week but next year and far beyond when you come to a decision point. There will be many ahead. Just do your best to remove the negative emotion from the equation and try to focus on whats best for you, your kids and your soon to be ex. Too many want to ruin each other and burn it to the ground. Both loose so much and its never worth the pain, or money for that matter.

Think before you act and use your practical side of the brain.

Stepping down fro my soap box now.... Next!!!!:)
 
Hi Jen, sorry to hear about what you're going through. A lot of other people either are in or have gone through what you currently are.

I've never been married but my parents are divorced and I have a fair amount of experience talking to people who have been in both your boat and mine. Here is some advice and some possible things you can do.

1) Kids of divorced children aren't all stereotypes, if you divorce your husband for the right reasons and neither of you are malicious about it then the fallout on them actually won't be as bad as you're likely thinking it will be. So long as they are allowed enough time with both of you and you are friendly with each-other and understanding with each-other's wants and needs regarding parenting then it should work.

2) If you're faced with being unhappy for a potentially very long time and preventing yourself from the possibility of moving on with life then you are unnecessarily stressing yourself out and it can't be good for your mental health overall. The alternative is to divorce him, but make him understand why, in the short term it might cause some problems but once you are both settled with what's gone on and the kids understand then it opens up the rest of your life to being spending time with your kids and then the rest is whatever you want. It's the better long term option for you, your husband and your children.

3) The most important thing to do is also the hardest which is to communicate how you feel to those around you. If your husband does suggest counselling then tell him that you've already thought about it and that you don't want to save the marriage, be honest about how you feel both with him and yourself and finally try not to make either of you look like a bad guy to your kids. Your endgame should be two friends who used to be married and had some kids together, caring for those kids together but separately. Be honest with him but don't falter, be firm with the truth and what you want.
 
_NCguy said:
You are not alone I'm afraid. There are many like you. I would offer the following advice. Take it with a grain of salt.

Be practical in how you look at things and think not just next week but next year and far beyond when you come to a decision point. There will be many ahead. Just do your best to remove the negative emotion from the equation and try to focus on whats best for you, your kids and your soon to be ex. Too many want to ruin each other and burn it to the ground. Both loose so much and its never worth the pain, or money for that matter.

Think before you act and use your practical side of the brain.

Stepping down fro my soap box now.... Next!!!!:)
Click to expand...

Thank you for your kind words. I have thin skin and have gotten burned on this board before, so I was a little hesitant. You have great advice!!
 
Zundas said:
Hi Jen, sorry to hear about what you're going through. A lot of other people either are in or have gone through what you currently are.

I've never been married but my parents are divorced and I have a fair amount of experience talking to people who have been in both your boat and mine. Here is some advice and some possible things you can do.

1) Kids of divorced children aren't all stereotypes, if you divorce your husband for the right reasons and neither of you are malicious about it then the fallout on them actually won't be as bad as you're likely thinking it will be. So long as they are allowed enough time with both of you and you are friendly with each-other and understanding with each-other's wants and needs regarding parenting then it should work.

2) If you're faced with being unhappy for a potentially very long time and preventing yourself from the possibility of moving on with life then you are unnecessarily stressing yourself out and it can't be good for your mental health overall. The alternative is to divorce him, but make him understand why, in the short term it might cause some problems but once you are both settled with what's gone on and the kids understand then it opens up the rest of your life to being spending time with your kids and then the rest is whatever you want. It's the better long term option for you, your husband and your children.

3) The most important thing to do is also the hardest which is to communicate how you feel to those around you. If your husband does suggest counselling then tell him that you've already thought about it and that you don't want to save the marriage, be honest about how you feel both with him and yourself and finally try not to make either of you look like a bad guy to your kids. Your endgame should be two friends who used to be married and had some kids together, caring for those kids together but separately. Be honest with him but don't falter, be firm with the truth and what you want.
Click to expand...

Thank you so much. My parents were married 40 years and then died together. I do not know what it’s like to have my parents even separated. So I appreciate you giving your perspective as a child of divorce. I see friends on Facebook who have divorced and remarried and they look so happy; their children look happy!

Thank you again for such a thoughtful response!!!! I will definitely come back to this and reread!
 
sweetjen35 said:
Would love to hear from others who were afraid of divorce but took the leap. Or even those who understand my fears and share my reluctance to move forward on a dead marriage.
Click to expand...

I'm not really qualified to give advice here, but I am sending you good vibes. Maybe talking to a counselor on your own would help as well. I admire your courage.
 
Last edited:
sweetjen35 said:
Would love to talk to anyone who was or is scared of divorce.

I have posted before about how unhappy I am in my marriage. I feel so broken and discontent at the moment. Like so many, I say if it weren’t for the kids I’d leave. But I’m just so unhappy.

He’s not a bad man—most people like him. But I’m not in love. I’m not even sure I love him anymore. I don’t like being around him.

For years I have said we are like room mates raising kids. Back when I had room mates, in college, I actually enjoyed them. I did things with them. He’s not even a good room mate.

I could go on and on. Clearly I want out. I’m scared to make the move. I know he will want to do counseling. I don’t. I am not interested in saving this marriage.

Would love to hear from others who were afraid of divorce but took the leap. Or even those who understand my fears and share my reluctance to move forward on a dead marriage.

I KNOW I’m wasting my time and my life. I don’t want to be attacked. I feel very alone right. I had to share and hope someone understands...
Click to expand...

I will start by saying you’re brave for even acknowledging that there is an issue and asking for advice. Everyone will have their own opinion, but only you know what will be the right choice for you. I stayed in a marriage similar to yours “for the kids” for years. It wasn’t until my then 11 yr old came to me and said she was said because I never laughed or even smiled around the house anymore that I realized my marriage was negatively effecting her. People who say they are staying for the kids are using their kids as a cop out. It’s been my experience that the kids know a whole lot more than you think. I’ve been divorced 6months now and the only regret I have is that I didn’t do it sooner. My ex and I have been getting along better now than when we were married and we have both agreed to put our kids first. If you can both be adult about it, you may find it’s best for everyone. It’s not all sunshine and roses, but in my case, it was worth everyone’s happiness. That’s just my two cents.
 
Three years ago I was in exactly your shoes. Oddly enough, it was a Lutheran pastor I confided in and who eventually helped me make the leap to a divorce. He did not encourage me exactly, but I think having someone on the outside to talk to helped. We first spoke in December where he told me to think on it, look for signs (sort of). In March, I had my "signs" so we spoke again.

I recommend talking to someone such as a counselor or in your church, if you go. Read....read a lot about divorce. I think I found an article once that talked about five signs you were not ready for a divorce - in December I wasn't but in March I was. And realize no matter your decision there will be someone who doesn't agree with it so don't beat yourself up. Harder said then done.

Best of luck to you. :rose:
 
Fermina_Daza said:
I sincerely hope you didn't come over here to troll. This isn't the GB.

I would advise the OP not to provide this information.
Click to expand...


You're still a jealous loser. :rose:



OP: I give great advice, am not a troll. Kid's age is a factor. I ask to give better advice.

either way hope things get better.
 
EternalFantasies said:
OP: I give great advice, am not a troll. Kid's age is a factor. I ask to give better advice.

either way hope things get better.
Click to expand...

Your post has been reported. Again, this is not the GB; this is a moderated forum. Anyone can look at your post history and see exactly who you are. I would advise her to do just that.
 
It's really tough thing your going through and I can fully empathize with you.

I'll send you a PM instead of posting here for all to critique my personal life...
 
I know i'm going to sound wrong here but....Why would you want to stay in if you can't stand to be around him ? My parents lived like this for years before our mom decided she couldn't do it anymore . I was 15 at the time and the oldest of 3 and in time this became the normal and our lives began to get better.


Both my parents have remarried and remain married and very happy to this day.If in your heart it's truly over then by all means leave the marriage and find some happiness again.

I wish you well :)
 
I'm actually in a similar boat. I was miserable and didn't realize it. Ended up having an affair which I told my wife about after 3 weeks. I told her that I couldn't stay in the marriage bc I knew I would never be happy. We are mediating our divorce and have acknowledged that we will have to parent together for the rest of our lives.

It's still really hard though. I slept on a twin bed in the family room for 5 months. I just moved out two weeks ago to a place very close by and we're sharing custody. It's actually forced me to be a more present father, which I'm fine with. Unfortunately, that's also exposed how poorly my wife has cared for them in the recent past. I feel really overwhelmed with everything I need to do for my daughters. And it's only Monday night.

If you're serious about leaving, put a plan together that doesn't involve either of you abandoning the kids.

Feel free to pm me if you'd like to talk more.
 
sweetjen35 said:
Would love to talk to anyone who was or is scared of divorce.

I have posted before about how unhappy I am in my marriage. I feel so broken and discontent at the moment. Like so many, I say if it weren’t for the kids I’d leave. But I’m just so unhappy.

He’s not a bad man—most people like him. But I’m not in love. I’m not even sure I love him anymore. I don’t like being around him.

For years I have said we are like room mates raising kids. Back when I had room mates, in college, I actually enjoyed them. I did things with them. He’s not even a good room mate.

I could go on and on. Clearly I want out. I’m scared to make the move. I know he will want to do counseling. I don’t. I am not interested in saving this marriage.

Would love to hear from others who were afraid of divorce but took the leap. Or even those who understand my fears and share my reluctance to move forward on a dead marriage.

I KNOW I’m wasting my time and my life. I don’t want to be attacked. I feel very alone right. I had to share and hope someone understands...
Click to expand...

I'm really just going to reiterate what others have said - as the child of divorced parents, and having watched friends of mine with kids divorce, I'm pretty certain that kids want happy parents ... and while we all obviously love our kids, remember that your happiness is important too. The most important thing for the kids (and all the research supports this) is to go through the process with as little animosity as possible. You can actually get a counsellor who will help with that.
 
I don't know anything about getting a divorce, wanting a divorce. Hell, I've never been married or wish to get married (anytime in the near future anyways) but I hope whatever you decide works out in your favor.

I wish you luck.
 
The age of the children is relevant

I guess from your age that the children are in their teens or just pre-teen. If you can keep on civilised terms with your (ex-) husband after a divorce or separation I don't think it will do them harm compared with your present situation - they may well sense that something is wrong already.

You mention that your husband would want you to have relationship counselling. I think I understand why you don't want that, but might it be worth thinking about what you have to lose by agreeing to it?

Also, would it be possible to agree a trial separation? I don't know anything about your circumstances, but if it's a possibility it might help you negotiate a way out.

I hope this helps. I do sympathise.

(My parents separated when I was 2. Some of my earliest memories are of them being angry with each other after the separation, and it left emotional scars on me. I still believe they should have done things differently. But I was very young. When I was 10 they both found new partners, and I was happy for them.)
 
My parents stayed together "for the kids." They shouldn't have. The had no relationship, no intimacy, didn't fight much but were obviously unhappy, didn't talk much to
Each other even. My mom would sleep on the couch more often than in their bedroom.

I'm the youngest and they divorced after I graduated high school. My brothers and I have talked about feeling like shit because they stayed together "for us." They were miserable "for us." As adults we don't have good relationships with our parents. I have wondered if that would be different if they had divorced when we were younger, would our family have been happier.
 
Trigger_Warning said:
My parents stayed together "for the kids." They shouldn't have. The had no relationship, no intimacy, didn't fight much but were obviously unhappy, didn't talk much to
Each other even. My mom would sleep on the couch more often than in their bedroom.

I'm the youngest and they divorced after I graduated high school. My brothers and I have talked about feeling like shit because they stayed together "for us." They were miserable "for us." As adults we don't have good relationships with our parents. I have wondered if that would be different if they had divorced when we were younger, would our family have been happier.
Click to expand...

Did you - or do you have any emotional / psyc issues as a result?
 
EternalFantasies said:
Did you - or do you have any emotional / psyc issues as a result?
Click to expand...

I felt guilt at the time. I was off to college and did internalize responsibility for them staying together for me. While I do not think that I have a long lasting issues resulting from my parents divorcing at that time, I am approaching 50 and never married, not sure I believe in marriage.
 
What about this take on it

I'm not afraid of divorce. I just could never leave my child, or force him to leave his mother.
 
Fermina_Daza said:
Your post has been reported. Again, this is not the GB; this is a moderated forum.
Click to expand...

You are the only one violating rules.

"Flaming/hijacking of threads and generally being rude and argumentative is not allowed."
 
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