Need a quick hand.

I'm in the middle of writing my first story, a short one. And I'm having a brain fart and/or a stroke lol. Something in this tidbit of writing just seems wrong to me. But I can't place my finger on it. I'll probably feel stupid when it's pointed out lol. But thanks in advance, help is appreciated.

Here is the guilty party:

When Robert spoke, “Congratulations,“ it startled Samantha out of her trance causing her to spill champagne down the front of her gown. “You should really go clean that up before it ruins your gown,” Robert stated. “Yes, of course.” blurted Samantha. Looking up with wanton lust in her eyes, “I believe there's a private bathroom in the dressing room.”
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Bandicoot

Apologies, apparently whole bit didn't copy. But it's there now.

Not sure if this was your fault, but first thing I'd do is break up the paragraph -- separate ones for each character's dialogue.

When Robert spoke, “Congratulations,“ it startled Samantha out of her trance causing her to spill champagne down the front of her gown. “You should really go clean that up before it ruins your gown,” Robert stated. “Yes, of course.” blurted Samantha. Looking up with wanton lust in her eyes, “I believe there's a private bathroom in the dressing room.”

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I'd recommend something like:

"Congratulations!"

Samantha jumped and spilled her drink down the front of her gown. Turning, she saw Robert.

"You should really go clean that up before it ruins your gown," he said.

"Yes, of course," she blurted. Looking up at him with wanton lust in her eyes, she continued, "I believe there's a private bathroom in the dressing room."

Click to expand...

PennLady said:

Not sure if this was your fault, but first thing I'd do is break up the paragraph -- separate ones for each character's dialogue.



I'd recommend something like:

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Perfect! Thank you very much.

When Robert bellowed, “Congratulations,“ it startled Samantha out of her trance, causing her to spill champagne down the front of her gown.

“You should really go clean that up before it ruins your gown,” Robert said.

“Yes, of course,” blurted Samantha, looking up with wanton lust in her eyes. “I believe there's a private bathroom in the dressing room.”

sr71plt said:

When Robert bellowed, “Congratulations,“ it startled Samantha out of her trance, causing her to spill champagne down the front of her gown.

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Robert's bellowed “CONGRATULATIONS!“ startled Samantha from her trance. Her champagne spilled down the front of her gown.

Hypoxia said:

Robert's bellowed “CONGRATULATIONS!“ startled Samantha from her trance. Her champagne spilled down the front of her gown.

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I'm a professional editor. I work as close to the author's original voice as possible.

You're beginning to change choices originally made that are acceptable options. I made the verb changes, because the original ones just didn't fit the context. Other than that, all it needed was some punctuation changes to be as close to the author's voice as possible.

I agree with pilot. His version maintains as much of the author's original intent as possible.