Humor Thread

ELECTRONIC LABELS

"Not dishwasher safe." - On a remote control for a TV.

"Do not put lit candles on phone." - On the instructions for a cordless phone.

"Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue." - Various Computers

"This camera will only work when film is inside." - Unknown European Camera

"The following is found on page 4 of the instruction book:

To place or answer a call, lift the handset.
To place a call, dial the desired number.
To end the call, hang up the handset.

Another gem, also on Page 4:
To put a call on Hold: Press “Hold”." - Lucent Technologies Model 6210 Telephone

"On startup: No keyboard detected. Press any key to continue." - Various Personal Computers

"Press STORE to store." - Yamaha Pro-Mix 01 Mixing Desk LCD Display

"Do not attempt to stick head inside deck, which may result in injury." - Japanese GameCube Instruction Manual

"Warning! Disconnect telephone lines before opening!" - Sony Vaio PCV-J200 Computer

Facebook Love

My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I wrote the Facebook status “I’m getting a divorce,” he was the first one to click Like.


In Memoriam

Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside.

“Yes,” says Sally, “a lock of my husband’s hair.”

“But Larry’s still alive.”

“I know, but his hair is gone.”

Existential Kitty Crisis

In French with subtitles.

Renters’ Excuses

No one likes coughing up rent. But at least these tenants gave landlords creative reasons for avoiding it.

"With my daughter’s graduation, our new boat, and our trip to Europe this year, we’re a little strapped."

"I’m getting real tired of paying this rent every month! You’ll have to wait a few more days."

"We’re a little short right now. But don’t worry—we’re getting a refund on my wife’s tattoo. The artist messed it up, and we’re getting back most of the bucks!"

"I didn’t pay the rent because I’m saving up to move."

"It’s your fault the check bounced. Why didn’t you tell me you were going to run to the bank the very same day!"

Gun Wisdom

Guns have only two enemies rust and politicians.

Its always better to be judged by 12 than carried by 6.

Cops carry guns to protect themselves, not you.

Never let someone or something that threatens you get within arms length.

Never say "I’ve got a gun." If you need to use deadly force, the first sound they hear should be the safety clicking off.

The average response time of a 911 call is 23 minutes, the response time of a .357 is 1400 feet per second.

The most important rule in a gunfight is: Always win - cheat if necessary.

Make your attacker advance through a wall of bullets...
You may get killed with your own gun, but he'll have to beat you to death with it, cause it'll be empty.

If you’re in a gun fight:
1. If you're not shooting, you should be loading.
2. If you're not loading, you should be moving,
3. If you're not moving, you're dead.

In a life and death situation, do something... It may be wrong, but do something!

If you carry a gun, people call you paranoid. Nonsense!
-If you have a gun, what do you have to be paranoid about?
-You can say 'stop' or 'alto' or any other word, but a large bore muzzle pointed at someone's head is pretty much a universal language
-You cannot save the planet, but you may be able to save yourself or your family.

The Unofficial Drivers Test/Quiz

We've all seen it. People change when they get behind the wheel of a car.
So now, to profile your personality, here is the special Driving Test...

1: Which part of your car wears out most often?
a: the wiper blades
b: the belts
c: the horn

2: Automatic door locks are good for...
a: security
b: convenience
c: messing with the heads of people trying to get in

3: I hate the rain because...
a: it lowers visibility and makes for less safe conditions
b: I answered (a) to question #1
c: I just washed my car

4: Please select the statement that best describes you.
a: I have never written in the dust on someone's car
b: I have written "wash me" in the dust on someone's car
c: I have drawn genitalia in the dust on someone's car

5: The "bright" setting on your headlights is for...
a: dark, poorly lit roads
b: flashing to get the car ahead to move out of the way
c: revenge!

6: I have enough power in my car stereo system to...
a: get it loud enough to drown out road noise
b: get it head-banging loud for my Metallica CD
c: cause permanent hearing loss to anyone within ten feet

7: How many times have you been pulled over for speeding in the last year?
a: zero or one, because I'm generally a safe driver
b: two or three, because I've had some unlucky breaks
c: before or after they took my license away?

8: What hand gesture do you use most while driving?
a: "go ahead"
b: "thank you"
c: "@#!*&%^!"

9: When a bicyclist is next to you, you should...
a: be aware of them
b: speed up and get past them
c: open the door

10: Your rear view mirror is for...
a: watching for approaching cars
b: watching for approaching police cars
c: checking your hair

11: If you are driving and you begin to feel very sleepy, you should...
a: pull off to the side of the road and rest
b: stop at the next convenience mart and get a litre of coffee or Mountain Dew
c: drive faster

12: The Highway Patrol exists to...
a: ensure the safety of all motorists
b: issue as many tickets as possible
c: keep doughnut shops in business

13: You are supposed to signal a turn or lane change...
a: 50 feet prior
b: 25 feet prior
c: right after you do it

14: If I had a lot of money, I'd spend it on...
a: a minivan
b: a really cool sports car or 4-wheeler
c: bail

15: The best thing about a chauffeured limousine is...
a: I don't have to drive
b: I can stretch out, relax, and have a drink
c: leaning out the open sunroof and shouting at and/or flashing people


How to score the quiz:

Give yourself one point for every A, two for every B, and three for every C.
Tally up the points and consult the list below.

15-24 Points
You're a good driver. You watch the speed limit, remain calm, and observe not only the rules of the road, but also the etiquette. And since you drive so safely and so politely, you'll live a long time. Long enough to decelerate with each passing decade until you're one of those old people in a big car, going ten miles under the speed limit in the fast lane and pissing all the rest of us off.

25-35 Points
Hey! Joe Average! You're a decent driver without being boring. You get where you're going fast without too much danger. In fact, you're the type of person we all like to ride with. Well, all of us except your mother, because "you're going too fast! Watch out for that car in front of you! You're going to kill us all!"

36-45 Points
Remember in driver's education class when they told us to drive defensively?
You're the reason.

PayDay said:

Gun Wisdom

The average response time of a 911 call is 23 minutes, the response time of a .357 is 1400 feet per second.

Click to expand...

That's slightly more than twice what mine were at.

And now, back to the humour:

Male Perspectives on Marriage

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming:
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted".
Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Well, I'm sure this has been posted before, but I am re-tumblr'ing it for posterity. ^_^

As seen here:

… Her long hair, still wet from the shower, had been combed down her back in a wet swath. Hilda was sitting on the floor, her round, wet boobs still wet from the shower’s water. She dried off the water with a towel, which then became wet.

Hilda gasped when she saw a reflection in her bedroom mirror: through the slightly open door, she caught a glimpse of the chiseled abs and square jaw of the mysterious stranger who shared her cabin. She stood and spun around, her breasts swinging heavily with the momentum. She grabbed the door and flung it open, revealing shirtless Torolf (which was seriously his name) quivering with desire in the hallway.

Torolf was ashamed at being caught, but his shame made him even hotter – hotter for sex. He stepped into the room, and his bulging abs accidentally smushed into Hilda’s rich chest.

As Hilda’s buttermilk bosoms squished up against his granite abs, Torolf almost had a dick aneurysm.

“Hilda,” Torolf murmured thickly, his throbbing meat wand pressing against Hilda’s warm thighs. “There is a secret I need to not tell you: You are my forbidden desire.”

Hilda had been waiting to hear these words. Her heart was lifted on golden wings and soared toward a radiant sun of perfect joy. She saw herself and Torolf happy together, bathed in the golden light of love. Her snooch got all warm, too.

“Torolf,” Hilda moaned, her lush teats straining with desire. “I need you.”

Torolf, coarse abs pulsing softly in the moonlight, stood silently.

Hilda looked at him expectantly.

“Oh, sorry,” she added. “Torolf, I need you – sexually.”

At hearing those beautiful words, Torolf flexed his rough-hewn abs and Hilda found herself being guided to her soft bed by the sheer force of Torolf’s undulating midsection. She parted her thighs in anticipation, exposing the soft pink petals of her clunge.

Torolf entered her like she was a lottery. His engorged pecker pushed inside her and she felt fulfilled with sexual fulfillment.

Hilda clutched at the bedsheets with lust and ecstasy and her hands. Her spongy love mountains hurled to and fro with each pounding. Her body was like a beautiful flower that was opening and somebody was pushing their dick inside it.

Then Torolf moaned, arched his back, and suffered from dick Parkinson’s. He pumped in all of his hot pearlescent sperms as Hilda spasmed with so many orgasms!

The two lay still for a moment as the stinky scent of lovemaking billowed around the room.

Hilda got out of bed, still shimmering with orgasm. She glowed with contentment, like a cat who ate the cream of the crop.

She walked across the room and picked up her towel, still wet with shower water. “Torolf,” she said softly, “there’s something I have to tell you…”

But her bed was empty.

Torolf was gone, escaped out the bedroom window. In the distance, Hilda heard the fading sound of galloping abs.

Click to expand...

This is an actual book.

As the rain pelted down on us, my brother looked at me and said, "What the hell are you wearing?"

"What? This?" I said, sporting a Hawaiian shirt, shorts and flip flops.
"It's this bloody weather. It was nice and sunny when I came out!"

He shook his head and was about to give me one of his lectures when I was saved by the music.

"Come on you idiot," I said. "This coffin isn't gonna carry itself!"

"So - you're my girlfriend's ex-husband?"

"Yeh; what of it?"

"I'll bet you hate me because she chose me over you?"

"No, mate. But the next time you kiss her, remember where her mouth has been. . ."

TRUE LOVE

An elderly gent was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Darling, Honey, My Love, Pumpkin, Sweetheart, etc.

The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over to his host, and said: "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."

The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said. "Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, -- and I'm scared to death to ask the old bitch what it is."

There was a knock on the door this past Saturday morning.

I opened it to find a young, well-dressed man standing there who said:

"Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness."

So I said "Come in and sit down."

I offered him a fresh cup of coffee and asked "What do you want to talk about?"

He said, "Beats me! Nobody's ever let me in before."

As the attendant replaced the nozzle back into the pump at the gas station, I pulled out a cigarette and lit up.

"You can't do that here!", the attendant screamed, running over.

I casually turned round and said "Why? I always enjoy smoking after I've been fucked."

TODAY IS THE OLDEST YOU'VE EVER BEEN,
YET THE YOUNGEST YOU'LL EVER BE,
SO ENJOY THIS DAY WHILE IT LASTS.


Observations On Growing Older
~Your kids are becoming you...and your grandchildren are perfect!

~Going out is good..Coming home is better!

~You forget names ... But it's OK because other people forgot they Even knew you!!!

~You realize you're never going to be really good at anything ... Especially golf.

~The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore.

~You sleep better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than in bed ... it's called "pre-sleep".

~You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch..

~You tend to use more four-letter words ..."what?" ... "when?" ... ???

~Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.
~You notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?!!!

~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.

~Everybody Whispers.
~You have three sizes of clothes in your closet ... Two of which you will never wear.

~But old is good in some things: Old songs, old movies, and best of all, OLD FRIENDS!!

Received this from a friend

A little boy says to his mother,"Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"

His mother replied, "Don't even go there! From what I remember about that party, you're bloody lucky you don't bark!

This seems amusing:

http://www.flixxy.com/a-dramatic-surprise-on-a-quiet-square.htm

How to Ruin an Interview

When you’re interviewing for a job, you want to make an impression.

Hiring managers report that these people made one—just not the right kind:

Applicant hugged hiring manager at the end of the interview.

Applicant ate all the candy from the candy bowl while trying to answer questions.

Applicant blew her nose and lined up the used tissues on the table in front of her. Applicant wore a hat that said "Take this job and shove it."

Applicant talked about how an affair cost him a previous job.

Applicant threw his beer can in the outside trash can before coming into the reception area.

Applicant’s friend came in and asked, "How much longer?"

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.
As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,

"While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card. "

I went to the pub last night and there was this fat girl dancing on a table .
I walked passed and said " Amazing legs "!!
The girl giggled and said with a smile "Do you think so ?"
I said "Definitely; most tables would have collapsed by now"!!

The Final Fix

I can’t tell the difference between a rose and a dandelion. So when it came time to fix up my garden, I had no clue which plants to keep and which ones to remove. Until, that is, my mother gave me this handy tip: "Pull them all up. If it comes back, it’s a weed."

Proper Pronunciation

I bought a pint of Häagen-Dazs ice cream at the supermarket. As the cashier rang it up, I asked, “How do you pronounce that?”

Speaking slowly and distinctly, he said, “Four dollars and seventy-nine cents.”



Trash Service

Instead of saying, "And here’s your receipt," cashiers should say, "Will you throw this away for me?"


A Charity Case

A local charity had never received a donation from the town’s banker, so the director made a phone call.

"Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven’t given a penny to charity," the director began. "Wouldn’t you like to help the community?"

The banker replied, "Did your research show that my mother is ill, with extremely expensive medical bills?"

"Um, no," mumbled the director.

"Or that my brother is blind and unemployed? Or that my sister’s husband died, leaving her broke with four kids?"

"I … I … I had no idea."

"So," said the banker, "if I don’t give them any money, why would I give any to you?"

A wealthy family was entertaining guests at home. They wanted to show off
that their 5 year old son was clever. At dinner, a little boy was ordered
to lead in prayer.

Boy- But I don't know what to pray?

DAD: Just pray for your family members.

Boy- "Dear Lord," he started, "thank you for giving me such lovely parents.
Thanks for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream.

Bless them so that they won't come again.

Forgive our neighbor's son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled with her on her bed.

This coming Xmas, please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on my daddy's blackberry and provide shelter for the homeless men who use Mom's room when daddy is at work."

"AMEN"

I cannot remember if we've seen these all before, but :-


Teens have theirs, now seniors have their own texting codes. I thought the
following listing was appropriate ... After all the kids have all their
little codes...like BFF, LOL, etc....so here are some codes for seniors:

* ATD - At the Doctor's
* BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
* BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
* BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth
* CBM - Covered by Medicare
* CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
* DWI - Driving While Incontinent
* FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
* FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
* FYI - Found Your Insulin
* GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
* GHA - Got Heartburn Again
* HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement
* IMHO - Is My Hearing Aid On?
* LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
* LWO - Lawrence Welk's On
* OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
* OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas
* ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
* TOT - Texting on Toilet
* TTYL - Talk to You Louder
* WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?
* WTFA - Wet the Furniture Again
* WTP - Where're the Prunes
* WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil

Hope these help.
GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)

A man from Silver Spring, Maryland became infected with rabies in 1996 after he admitted having sex with a diseased racoon. He was charged with animal cruelty