editor needed for ch2 of a lesbian story

Hypoxia said:

Quick editorial advice: Break up your huge paragraphs, especially the opening of ch.01, into easily-digestible chunks. A narrative paragraph is most readable on-screen when only a few lines long.

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fraankhardy said:

the para's in ch.1 are big ...

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It was another rainy night in London town, and I was to be found in my usual corner of the bar. It looked much like so many other London bars; once you got past the glitz and glam of the tourist areas and the mega rich only wine bars. It was a little run down with yellowed walls, but was only dimly lit and they played good music; a blend of main stream along with heavy metal and even some old punk. I sat and watched others while they did the things they found fun. This seemed to mainly involve the fastest methods to get drunk, and go on the prowl for anyone who could give them a few hours of pleasure. I sat alone in the corner; the perfect viewpoint. I found the interactions between people fascinating, but never wanted to engage with them myself. Unfamiliar faces were a constant source of anxiety for me. I got too shy to ever respond, if anyone attempted to talk. Thankfully I found that being very goth helped to keep most people away. My long black skirts brushed the ground around my chair. My black velvet corset gave me the perfect hourglass figure I did not really possess, while pushing my ample bosom up to show maybe a little too much cleavage covered only by the scanty layer of the black lace blouse I wore. My raven black hair fell in a tumble of curls to my waist, and glistened with blue when it caught the light. My skin pale already from a life time habit of hiding from the sun was whitened further until I had the colour of the undead. In contrast my green eyes looked out on the world from their frame of smoky black shadow, elaborate eyeliner and false eyelashes. The only other colour was the deep blood red tint on my lips. My long nails were manicured with black varnish then left to chip to get that just crawled out of a grave look. No outfit would be complete without my studded leather collar. I tried to make up for being only 5'2 by wearing the highest heels I could possibly walk in, and these were no different: 6 inch heels with an inch of platform in a style I thought of as Victorian governess boots, but only if a Victorian governess had turned slutty.

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It was another rainy night in London town, and I was to be found in my usual corner of the bar.

It looked much like so many other London bars; once you got past the glitz and glam of the tourist areas and the mega rich only wine bars. It was a little run down with yellowed walls, but was only dimly lit and they played good music; a blend of main stream along with heavy metal and even some old punk.

I sat and watched others while they did the things they found fun. This seemed to mainly involve the fastest methods to get drunk, and go on the prowl for anyone who could give them a few hours of pleasure. I sat alone in the corner; the perfect viewpoint.

I found the interactions between people fascinating, but never wanted to engage with them myself. Unfamiliar faces were a constant source of anxiety for me. I got too shy to ever respond, if anyone attempted to talk. Thankfully I found that being very goth helped to keep most people away.

My long black skirts brushed the ground around my chair. My black velvet corset gave me the perfect hourglass figure I did not really possess, while pushing my ample bosom up to show maybe a little too much cleavage covered only by the scanty layer of the black lace blouse I wore.

My raven black hair fell in a tumble of curls to my waist, and glistened with blue when it caught the light. My skin pale already from a life time habit of hiding from the sun was whitened further until I had the colour of the undead. In contrast my green eyes looked out on the world from their frame of smoky black shadow, elaborate eyeliner and false eyelashes.

The only other colour was the deep blood red tint on my lips. My long nails were manicured with black varnish then left to chip to get that just crawled out of a grave look.

No outfit would be complete without my studded leather collar. I tried to make up for being only 5'2 by wearing the highest heels I could possibly walk in, and these were no different: 6 inch heels with an inch of platform in a style I thought of as Victorian governess boots, but only if a Victorian governess had turned slutty.

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gotherella said:

thankyou so much for your advice on paragraphing i will try to break up the paragraphs on ch2, does anyone know how to edit a story that is already posted as ch1, is the one with the huge paragraphs and i have no idea how to post an edited version. thanks so much.

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Kiyamax said:

I believe you just edit the story (re-write it) then add "Edited" to the end of the title and submit. I don't think there's a way to edit the story once it's submitted on here.

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gotherella said:

thanks, i might just leave it then, it is not the best but it was a first submission, i have hopes that as i go on i will get more idea of paragraphing for online readers, hopefully after editing ch2 will be a bit easier to read.

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