Humor Thread

NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower. P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing. BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

Will the Bailout Work?

Back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it.



They failed miserably and it closed.



Now we are trusting the economy of our country to a pack of nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house and selling booze?



You be the judge...

A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw a Party & invited all of his buddies & neighbors.

He also invited Leroy, the only Black man inThe neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating Shrimp,

Oysters, BBQ & flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10ft Man-eating gator In my pool & I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.'

The words were barely out of his mouth
When there was a loud splash & every-
One turned around & saw Leroy in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the gator & kicking its ass! Leroy was
Jabbing the Gator in the eyes with his thumbs,
Throwing punches, head butts & Choke holds,
Biting the gator on the tail & flipping the gator
Through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning & splashing
Everywhere. Both Leroy & the gator
Were screaming & raising hell.

Finally Leroy strangled the gator & let it float to the
Top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly
Climbed out of the pool.

Everybody was just staring
At him in disbelief.

Finally the host says,
'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'

'No, that's okay. I don't want it,'
Said Leroy.

The rich man said,
'Man, I have to give you something.
You won the bet.
How about half a million bucks then?'

'No thanks. I don't want it,'
Answered Leroy.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on
Giving you something.
That was amazing. How about a new Porsche,
A Rolex & some stock options?'
Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked,
'Well, Leroy, then what do you want?'

Leroy said, '
'I want the name of the
Sumbitch who pushed me in the pool!

GO LEROY - YOU'RE MY KIND OF MAN!!!

The Blind Man and the Bus

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus... so shut the hell up."

A young man goes into a Employment office in Jacksonville, Florida and sees a job offer posted for a Gynecologist's Assistant.

He asks the clerk about it,wanting more details.

The clerk looks up the file and says, "The job entails preparing women for examination by the gynecologist.

You help them off with their skirts and panties, lay them down on the examining table, carefully wash their vagina, apply shaving foam, gently shave their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecolological examination.

There's an annual salary of $50,000.00, but you're going to have to go to Oxford, Mississippi; that's about 600 miles from here."

"Oh," the young man replies. "Is that where the job is?"

"No sir, that's where the end of the line is right now."

HAD THIS BEFORE BUT IT MADE ME LAUGH SO HERE IT IS AGAIN.

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her
Vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out

Of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the
Surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery, she found 3 roses
Carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls
In the doctor. 'I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my
Operation!'

The surgeon told h ER he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and
That the first rose was from him: 'I felt sad because you went through
This all by yourself.'

'The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and
Empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago.'

'And what about the third rose?' she asked.

'That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for
His new ears.'

One question Quiz,

Can you spot the Melon?

Here's one for the Democrates, see I play nice!
DG

By George

Before the inauguration, George W. Bush was invited to a ‘get acquainted’ tour of the White House. After drinking several cups of iced tea, he asked President Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. He was astonished to see that President Clinton had a solid gold urinal!

That afternoon, George W. told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. “Just think,” he said, “when I am President, I’ll have my own personal gold urinal!”

Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been with his discovery of the fact that, in the President’s private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

That evening, Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed. Hillary turned to Bill and said, “Well, I found out who pissed in your saxophone.”



George W. went to see the doctor to get the results of his brain scan.

The doctor said, “Mr. President, I have some bad news for you. First, we have discovered that your brain has two sides: the left side and he right side.”

Bush interrupted, “That’s normal, isn’t it? I thought every body had two sides to their brain?”

The doctor replied, “That’s true, Mr. President. But your brain is very unusual because on the left side there is nothing right and on the right side there is nothing left.”

12 Things PMS stand for

1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweat pants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff

Anyone know any more?
DG

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, 'Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.

The first nun says, 'I want to be Sophia Loren' and *poof* she's gone.

The second says, 'I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, 'I want to be Sara Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. 'Who?' he asked

'Sara Pipalini,' replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, 'I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell.'

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter .

St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says,
'No sister, what the paper says is that the ' Sahara Pipeline' was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.'


If you laugh, you're going straight to hell!

The Duck and the Condom


Two ducks go on their honeymoon and stay in a hotel. As they are about to make love, the male duck says, ''Oh, we haven't got any condoms. I'll ring down to room service.'' He calls and asks for some condoms.

The woman says, ''OK sir, would you like to put them on your bill?''

''No,'' he says, ''I'll suffocate!''

matriarch said:

The Duck and the Condom


Two ducks go on their honeymoon and stay in a hotel. As they are about to make love, the male duck says, ''Oh, we haven't got any condoms. I'll ring down to room service.'' He calls and asks for some condoms.

The woman says, ''OK sir, would you like to put them on your bill?''

''No,'' he says, ''I'll suffocate!''

Click to expand...

Thank You Matriarch for adding laughter to my day and to the thread. You're welcome back anytime.

Good thing I'm on my way to church. I laughed at that last one.
DG

Thanks guys I'm still laughing.

Census


According to the U.S. Census Bureau,

the current figures for your zip code are:
4,000 people are screwing right now,
2,000 are kissing.
1,000 are getting or giving head, and
1 poor bastard is reading emails.



You hang in there, Sunshine!

Scotch with two drops of water

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two
drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,


'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today...'

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink.
In fact, this one is on me.'

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would
like to buy you a drink, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two
drops of water.'

'Coming up,' says the bartender

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy
you one, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with
two drops of water.'

'Coming right up,' the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why
the Scotch with only two drops of water?'

The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how
to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'


'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs
and make love,' and you answer,
'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you
on your new alligator shoes
and you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy
and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going braless
pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes,
just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting a little action'
means you don't need to take any fiber today.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car
in the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up
to use the bathroom.

AND

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are not sure these are jokes?

May have posted these before but they are funny.

These are from a book called Disorder in the American
Courts, and are things people actually said in court,
word for word, taken down and now published by court
reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.
_______________________________________________


ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
_________________________________________________________________


ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the
impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
________________________________________________


ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your
memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of
something you forgot?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said
to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

_______________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person
dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the
next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old,
how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was
taken?
WITNESS: Is this a trick question?

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was
August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes..
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was getting laid!
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I
need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning
pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your
attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead
people. Would you like to rephrase that?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What
school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the
body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why
I was doing an autopsy on him!
________________________________________________

-- And the best for last: ---

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,
did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was
alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a
jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been
alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been
alive and practicing law


How many attorney's run for president? Scary isn't it!

On a senior citizen bus tour, the driver was surprised. While the passengers were unloading, to do some sightseeing, one elderly lady stopped and whispered in his ear, "Driver, I believe that I was sexually harassed!"

The driver didn't think much of this complaint, but promised he would check into it soon.

Later, that very same day, as the passengers were unloading again, a second little old lady bent down and whispered in his ear, "Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed!"

This time, he knew it had to be taken care of soon. A few passengers had remained on the bus, and he decided to go back and question them, to see if they had any knowledge of what was going on.

He found one little old man crawling along the bus floor underneath the seats and stooped down to question him. "Excuse me, sir, could I help you?"

The elderly man looked up and said, "Well, sonny, you sure can. I've lost my toupee and I'm trying to find it. I thought I'd located it twice, but they were both parted in the middle, and mine's parted on the side!"

Protecting The Ones

You Love



Police investigating a single-car crash in Citrus Heights, Calif., suspected that the driver was drunk. Witnesses say he was speeding on a city street, lost control and crashed into a tree. The driver, who was not immediately identified by police, was seriously injured.

They noted 'he was not wearing a seatbelt', but that the 12-pack of beer on the seat next to him 'was'.

The beer,... was not injured. (Sacramento Bee)

Life...as we men know it.


We always hear 'the rules' from the female side. Now here are the Rules from the male side. There are our rules:-

Please note.... these are all numbered '1' ON PURPOSE!

1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don't try to change that.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If its up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Saturday = Sports. Its like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. and no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: subtle hints do not work! strong hints do not work! obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. if something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. you can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what Mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. if we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing', we will act like nothings wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don't ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics and Sex, Sport, or Cars.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, its like camping.

For reasons I've never wholly understood, this is my favorite joke.

A man is driving down the road he sees a billboard:

"Sisters of Holy Mercy Convent and Whorehouse. 5 miles."

He shakes his head. Surely he imagined that. Yet, a few miles later, he sees it again:

"Sister of Holy Mercy Convent and Whorehouse. 2 miles."

He's baffled ... and increasingly curious. And so, when he sees the big billboard next to a large convent on a hill - "YES! This IS the Sisters of Holy Mercy Convent and Whorehouse!" - he turns off.

He goes up to the door and rings the bell. After a long pause, the door is opened by a tiny, wizened old woman in a nun's habit. Taken aback, the man stammers out a question.

"Um, Sister, you might not realize ... is, ah ... someone might be playing a ... joke on you?"

"Oh, no, no," says the old nun with a smile. "I see you've found our billboard. Come in, come in and receive your reward."

The man comes in. It looks like a perfectly normal convent. Then a couple of lovely young novices pass and wink.

Hot nuns! How often does a man get a chance like that? He paws frantically at his wallet.

"How much?" he asks.

"Just $100 there in the collection bowl," says the older nun.

The man fumbles the cash into the bowl. Then the nun leads him down a long corrider to big wooden door.

"There you are, my son," says the nun. "Just go through, and you will receive your reward."

Eagerly, the man opens the door and steps through. Bafflingly, he's in ... the back parking lot. And there's a soft scraping sound behind him, as of a bar falling into place over a door. Then he looks up and sees a billboard facing him across the parking lot:

"Congratulations. You've just been fucked by the Sisters of Holy Mercy."

Boobies or Butt Quiz​

Try it, not as easy as it looks.
I did get 8 of 10 right.


http://www.curlydavid.com/quiz1.html#

Blonde Jokes

1) A man comes home from work one night to catch his blonde girlfriend
sliding down the banister naked. He blurts out, "What do you think
you're doing?"

"Just heating up dinner," she replies.


2) A guy walked into the doctor's surgery for an appointment. "Would you
like to tell me your problem?" the pretty blonde receptionist
asked. "I'll need the information for the doctor."

"It's rather embarrassing" the guy stammered. "You see, I have a very large and almost constant erection."

"Well, the doctor is very busy today" the receptionist cooed, "but maybe I can squeeze you in."


3) Did you hear about the overweight blonde woman that went to her doctor complaining about her lack of a sex life?

"I have a solution," said the doctor, "Diet and everything will be okay."

"What color?" asked the blonde.


4) A blonde is suffering from a sore throat so she goes to see the doctor. She explains the problem to the doctor who asks her to sit down. He gets out his light and says, "Open wide."

"I can't," replies the blonde, "the chair's fitted with arms."

A few more older Blonde jokes.

1) One day a blonde guy comes home and hears strange noise's from the bedroom and so rushes upstairs to see what was wrong. When he open's the door he sees his wife naked on the bed sweating and panting.

"What's going on?" he asked.

"I'm having a heart attack," replied his wife.

So the man rushes downstairs and picks up the phone. As he's about to dial his little boy say's, "Daddy, Uncle Tom's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on."

So the man slam's the phone down and goes back to the bedroom, passes his screaming wife and open's the closet door. Sure enough his brother is sitting on the floor of the closet cowering.

"You rotten bastard," he said, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kid's."


2) After hours and hours of exhausting sex with a blonde, a man walks into his kitchen to get a drink. He fills his glass up with milk, when he looks down and realizes that his dick is still really hot. So he sticks his dick in the glass of milk to cool it down.

Just as he does that the blonde walks in and says, "I always wondered how you refilled those things."


3) First guy: "You know I never slept with my wife until I married her. Did you?"
Blonde guy: "I don't know, what was her maiden name?"


4) Once there was a blonde who really needed some money. She saw an ad in the newspaper for a job at an Elmo factory. She went down and applied, but the manager told her that she wouldn't want the job because it was so boring.

The blonde begged him and told him she would do anything because she needed the money really bad. After long consideration the manager hired her.

After a few hours the manager looked at the video-monitor showing the factory floor and saw that the conveyer belt was backed up. The manager went downstairs to find out what the problem was. When he arrived there the blonde was sewing two marbles into the crotch of every Elmo.

The manager said, ''I said to give each Elmo two test tickles; not two testicles!''


5) A blonde, worried about the HIV crisis, walks into a drugstore and purchases a pack of condoms. "That will be $1.08, please," says the clerk.

"What's the 8 cents for?" asks the blonde. "It says one dollar right here on the packaging."

"Tax," replies the clerk.

"Gee," says the blonde, "I thought you just rolled them on and they stayed put."

DG Hear said:

Boobies or Butt Quiz​

Try it, not as easy as it looks.
I did get 8 of 10 right.


http://www.curlydavid.com/quiz1.html#

Click to expand...

Didn't anyone take the Boob or Butt test? It's kind of fun. Take it and let us know if you know the difference between a two boobs and a butt. I did get 8 out of ten correct.
DG

New Stock Market Terms

CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance,
the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the
market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets
equally between themselves.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought
Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.