A secret feedback

Ok, so I have just submitted CH 2 of my story; Her Dirty Little Secret.it has yet to be approved, However, I would like to hear some thoughts on CH 1. I've read all the comments, but was hoping I might get a bit more feedback here. Here is the link:

https://www.literotica.com/s/her-dirty-little-secret-pt-01

As soon as CH 2 is approved I will post the link for it as well. Also I have been considering editing my first story, Apocalyptica, and resubmitting it with another chapter. What are some thoughts on that. Any feedback would be appreciated. Here is the link to Apocalyptica:

https://www.literotica.com/s/apocalyptica

be careful of what you wish

Sorry I have not started reading scifi yet but getting around to it as this an area I have tried writing before, or similar anyway and definitely not here.
You have done extremely well with your score, number of readers for the time it has been up. Comments look very positive.
Don't ask for more as you may end up getting the attention of the trolls and that could be bothersome.

I stopped reading after one sentence.

Hm. Not sure what you might be asking for. You got a fine critique on improving tired tropes and character interaction in Apocalyptica if you are looking to tell a better scifi or fantasy story with more realistic characters. I.e. Story First, Sex Second.

Did you want the same for this? It doesn't seem so, it follows that same trench. This is just a pretty silly fantasy, but it is also perfectly fine porn for men, with the usual empty porn "actresses" and an imbalanced, ridiculous premise revealed at the end that exists solely to minimize competition from other males which would then force the protag to actually work for the female's pleasure. Effortless virility, tah-dah! Oh, and that one detail will permanently BREAK your fantasy setting if you want to be serious.

I usually see this either in fun/bad porn stories that don't give a fuck about realism because that is SO not the point, or from inexperienced/beginner writers/sex-havers copying the porn that doesn't give a fuck.

Your audience likes it just fine for what it is. What kind of feedback do you want? Do you even know what it is? There is nothing wrong with being silly and unrealistic for a good stroke, just so long as you own it.

One small suggestion on writing in general: avoid lines like this: "....he said as he remembered how submissive water nymphs generally are" when that is the ONLY reference to that detail in the whole damn story and its sole purpose is to justify how the protag's decision on how to treat this particular water nymph proved to be exactly right in that moment in time. I was sniggering at that part. Just write something the individual nymph does that gives him a signal that he interprets correctly. Forget about the other water nymphs.

I should have been happy with the feedback I had

observer7 said:

Hm. Not sure what you might be asking for. You got a fine critique on improving tired tropes and character interaction in Apocalyptica if you are looking to tell a better scifi or fantasy story with more realistic characters. I.e. Story First, Sex Second.

Did you want the same for this? It doesn't seem so,
Your audience likes it just fine for what it is. What kind of feedback do you want? Do you even know what it is? .

Click to expand...

Thanks for your feedback. Now I know what to do and what to fix.
To answer the question: the original premise for this thread was to find out whether I should remove Apocalyptica and edit it for a second chapter. I just threw the question about Her Dirty Little Secret in to hopefully add to my feedback.
Now I'm beginning to agree with Graham; I should have been happy with the feedback I had, and just edited it. Though I am grateful for all opinions, good and bad.
Now, is there any way to perhaps remove a thread?

Ch 2

Ch 2. Is.here:
https://www.literotica.com/s/her-dirty-little-secret-pt-02

{Quote}Enchanted shackles around my wrists were all that was keeping me from breaking the neck of this creature in front of me. no chains were attached to the manacles, but that fact did not help me as I stared at the red eyes before me with hatred. Dark elves are always haughty when they have the upper hand, but this one could do nothing more than berate the 'merchandise' in front of him; though I can't say that I was worth looking at in my current condition anyways. I'm not large, only 6' and at 130 lbs., the term 'ox' or 'brute', common derogatory terms used by the elven kind to describe us humans, don't really apply to me, as the merchant was finding out quite well right now.{quote} (112 words)

Only the enchanted shackles kept me from breaking the neck of the "dark elf" who confined me. Though at six foot and only one hundred thirty pounds I hardly qualified, this dark elf merchant was haughty enough to call me "ox" and "brute" and "merchandise." (45 words)
Though far from perfect, my two sentences contain most of the necessary information you took more than twice as many words to impart. That means your writing is imprecise and boring. You are extremely verbose for no reason. Have you read this yourself? More than once?
Does your main character have an eating disorder? He (she) is 50-60 pounds underweight! They can not be very attractive, as they must resemble a concentration camp survivor.
,

robertreams said:

{Quote}Enchanted shackles around my wrists were all that was keeping me from breaking the neck of this creature in front of me. no chains were attached to the manacles, but that fact did not help me as I stared at the red eyes before me with hatred. Dark elves are always haughty when they have the upper hand, but this one could do nothing more than berate the 'merchandise' in front of him; though I can't say that I was worth looking at in my current condition anyways. I'm not large, only 6' and at 130 lbs., the term 'ox' or 'brute', common derogatory terms used by the elven kind to describe us humans, don't really apply to me, as the merchant was finding out quite well right now.{quote} (112 words)

Only the enchanted shackles kept me from breaking the neck of the "dark elf" who confined me. Though at six foot and only one hundred thirty pounds I hardly qualified, this dark elf merchant was haughty enough to call me "ox" and "brute" and "merchandise." (45 words)
Though far from perfect, my two sentences contain most of the necessary information you took more than twice as many words to impart. That means your writing is imprecise and boring. You are extremely verbose for no reason. Have you read this yourself? More than once?
Does your main character have an eating disorder? He (she) is 50-60 pounds underweight! They can not be very attractive, as they must resemble a concentration camp survivor.
,

Click to expand...

That's not really an improvement on the original quote. Economy is important in writing, but so are flavor, tone, characterization, etc. Pairing down your text to the bare mechanical minimum isn't a great way to create engaging prose.

RReams - re-writing someone else's work in your own style isn't helpful to the OP. That's arrogantly or smugly saying "write like me and you'll be better".

The point on wordiness is correct. Conveyed correctly or not - it should be considered.
Simple changes could clean it up and keep the same flavor.

1) Enchanted shackles around my wrists were all that was keeping me from breaking the neck of this creature in front of me.

2) Enchanted shackles around my wrists kept me from breaking the neck of the creature before me.


Of course, it is always the writer's decision. We are likely not his readers and are critiquing because we're stalling on our own works which have the same 'wordy' problems.

I believe I was careful to point out that my "rewrite" was not intended to replace the original, but only to show how many unnecessary and useless words the original contained. I still maintain that constructions such as "were all that was keeping me" instead of "kept", slow the writing down too much and make reading it akin to swimming in molasses. The sentence that begins" no chains, seems to go on forever before the reader finally discovers what it is trying to say. The author has talent and imagination, but is submerging it under a flood of words. Being precise does not stifle creativity, it enhances it. Many times a single word carefully chosen can convey more than a compound sentence, especially in what appears to be an action scene. ii stand by my criticism that much paring needs to be done. Again, as I was clear to point out, my words were not suggested as a replacement. I cannot write in another's style. They were meant only as a demonstration of how many words were used. The author may accept my suggestions or not, as they like, but they asked, I gave my opinion.

Apocalyptica edited

Well I edited my story Apocalyptica. Here's the link to it:

https://www.literotica.com/s/apocalyptica

Check out this story. Anyone who has already read the story once, I invite you the read the new version.