Feedback Please Home for Lunch

JosieMayBlu7 · Jan 12, 2016

I started writing to titilate my new 'friend/arrangement' it certainly worked !
Since then I have written a few stories, about our exploits and what we plan to do in the future together.
Many friends have read them and suggested I should submit for online reading.
Would love your true feedback
https://www.literotica.com/s/home-for-lunch-1

NotWise · Jan 12, 2016

Hot sex!

The story is short and gets to the point quickly. The use of present tense is unusual.

I think your future works might be more well-accepted if they are a little longer and more complete. Adding characterization, a plot, a conflict and a resolution would draw your readers farther into the story.

JosieMayBlu7 · Jan 12, 2016

Thank you

Thanks for the feedback, my next story is longer, I'm hoping it is accepted.

NOIRTRASH · Jan 12, 2016

I gave it 5 starz mostly because you have raw talent that requires encouragement.

JosieMayBlu7 · Jan 12, 2016

Thank you Noirtrash x

robertreams · Jan 13, 2016

I agree, raw talent. Very raw. Somewhere on your keyboard you should find a period so you can end a sentence, work on construction. Tighten up. Punctuation flying all over. Find an editor.

Asbel · Jan 15, 2016

I generally enjoy the way this is written, but I feel the grammar could use a touch-up, typically just in the use of breaks and commas.
Instead of:

"What are you wearing this for," he says "it's too warm in the car for a coat." I smile cheekily at him, he knows the look, he knows I'm hiding something...

It could be

"What are you wearing this for?" he says. "It's too warm in the car for a coat." I smile cheekily at him. He knows the look; he knows I'm hiding something...

But that's really my only complaint. Aside from that, maybe the sex could last more than one paragraph...

And, for obvious reasons, I've been completely turned off by the name "Christian", but that's besides the point.

NotWise · Jan 15, 2016

Asbel said:
And, for obvious reasons, I've been completely turned off by the name "Christian", but that's besides the point.

Hmm. The reason's aren't obvious to me and if it really is beside the point then, why mention it? I'm not especially Christian (aside from general philosophy), but I don't see how the name can be a big enough problem to warrant a comment.

Asbel · Jan 15, 2016

NotWise said:
Hmm. The reason's aren't obvious to me and if it really is beside the point then, why mention it? I'm not especially Christian (aside from general philosophy), but I don't see how the name can be a big enough problem to warrant a comment.

It's got nothing to do with religion. It's Christian freakin' Grey.

God what a sack of shit.

NotWise · Jan 15, 2016

Asbel said:
God what a sack of shit.

I had to ask my wife what that was all about. Is there an icon for belly laugh?

Asbel · Jan 15, 2016

NotWise said:
I had to ask my wife what that was all about. Is there an icon for belly laugh?

I forgot you're a dude who's married. Of COURSE you wouldn't know what Fifty Shades of Grey is. I envy you.

But it's worth a read if you love to hate shit. Which, I do, because I'm a complete masochist for garbage fiction.

lovecraft68 · Jan 16, 2016

Asbel said:
I forgot you're a dude who's married. Of COURSE you wouldn't know what Fifty Shades of Grey is. I envy you.

But it's worth a read if you love to hate shit. Which, I do, because I'm a complete masochist for garbage fiction.

I'm married and know about it for several reasons

1-its an appalling insult to the BDSM lifestyle

2-Its glorifies the abuse of women and tries to call itself a romance

3-my wife did buy it and after struggling through six chapters tossed it in the trash. but not before letting me flip through it to take in some of the 'gems' there

The girl was allegedly 22 years old(talk about horribly masked under age) and did not know what an e-mail was.

And that's one of the more plausible things that happen

Asbel · Jan 16, 2016

lovecraft68 said:
I'm married and know about it for several reasons

1-its an appalling insult to the BDSM lifestyle

2-Its glorifies the abuse of women and tries to call itself a romance

3-my wife did buy it and after struggling through six chapters tossed it in the trash. but not before letting me flip through it to take in some of the 'gems' there

The girl was allegedly 22 years old(talk about horribly masked under age) and did not know what an e-mail was.

And that's one of the more plausible things that happen

I read it originally because I heard it had been banned from several bookstores, and so I thought I should be all over that shit. Apparently they didn't ban it from ENOUGH bookstores.

Mind you, I actually took it out from a library... I was on a two-month waiting list. It took me THREE YEARS over god knows how many attempts to actually finish the first book. Sadly, I found myself enjoying it in the beginning (because I thought I would like it) and sometime around the fifth chapter I suddenly thought, "Wait... This is garbage."

Which is why I'm writing my book now. You can thank Twilight and Fifty Shades for my inspiration.

Feedback Please Home for Lunch

JosieMayBlu7

Virgin

NotWise

Desert Rat

JosieMayBlu7

Virgin

NOIRTRASH

Literotica Guru

JosieMayBlu7

Virgin

robertreams

Literotica Guru

Asbel

Really Experienced

NotWise

Desert Rat

Asbel

Really Experienced

NotWise

Desert Rat

Asbel

Really Experienced

lovecraft68

Bad Doggie

Asbel

Really Experienced

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