Humor Thread

One time this granny asked her grandchildren what does LOL mean as she has been seeing it a lot these days, so the children just said 'it means lots of love, Gogo'.

The granny said thanks.

The following month the granny’s neighbor passed away, so granny reached for her cellphone to send a sympathy note, and wrote: Rest in Peace Neighbour, "LOL"

"Nixon was a Communist!"

This is Jon Stewert, on Energy independance.

It's a full 7 min, so have fun. It is one of the greatest Satires ever!

Quickies

A woman goes into a bar and asks for a double entendre.

The barman gave her one.

**

The journey of a thousand miles beings with a broken fan belt and a slow puncture.

**

Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

**

42.7 per cent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

**

99 per cent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

**

There were two fish in a tank, and one says to the other:

"Do you know how to drive this thing?"

**

Jeanne

A Classic Poem for Women

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake,

He said my biscuits were too hard
Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right

He didn't like the stew,

I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.

Then I turned and
smacked the shit out of him...

Like his mother used to do.

another cribbed from ArcaMax

Rules for Good Housekeeping (Especially for men!)
1. It is time to clean out the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.

2. Keep it clean enough for healthy, dirty enough for happy.

3. Never make fried chicken in the nude.

4. Do not engage in unarmed combat with a dust bunny big enough to choke the vacuum cleaner.

5. You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

6. If guys were suppose to hang clothes up, door knobs would be bigger.

7. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

8. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

9. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere.

10. When writing your name in the dust on the table, omit the date.

Her Age

Harold's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Harold replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Harold interrupted.

"I haven't added them up yet."

Figure this one out for yourself.
DG

I'm not drunk

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in the cellar and my wife insisted I empty the contents of each bottle down the sink, or else...

After careful consideration, I reluctantly agreed and finally proceeded with the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

Then, I withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank.

I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank.

I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass.

I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle.

Then, I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I hadall the houses in one bottle, which I drank.

I'm not under the affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am.

I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.

Crowded Subway

The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!"

"I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket."

"Oh really," she spat. "Then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour!"

The Hunting Dog

Chester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl, "I'll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren't any ducks out there, I'm not going hunting."

So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice. Chester says, "Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there."

Earl says, "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?" Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says, "I don't believe it where did you get that dog? There really are only two ducks out there!"

Chester says, "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want, you can get one from him, too."

So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in it's mouth and starts humping Earl's leg.

Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says, "This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!"

The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in its mouth and started humping his leg.

The breeder says, "Earl, all he was trying to tell you was that there are more fucking ducks out there than you can shake a stick at!"

C&P from Arcamax

Engineers' Most Interesting Findings
Conversion Factors for your Digestion:

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese Soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong

7. 365.25 days of drinking low calorie beer = 1 Lite year

8. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling

9. Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon

10. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

11. Basic unit of laryngitis - 1 hoarsepower

12. Shortest distance between two jokes - a straight line

13. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

14. 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone

15. 1 million bicycles = 1 megacycle

16. 365 days = 1 unicycle

17. 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds

18. 10 cards = 1 decacard

19. 52 cards = 1 deckacard

20. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton

21. 1000 grams of wet socks = 1 literhosen

22. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

23. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

24. 10 rations = 1 decaration

25. 100 rations = 1 C-Ration

26. 2 monograms = 1 diagram

27. 8 nickels = 2 paradigms

28. 5 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 I.V. League





This news arrived on: 07/06/2005

Some cute shit Harold, thank you for posting on this thread.
DG

DG Hear said:

Some cute shit Harold, thank you for posting on this thread.
DG

Click to expand...

As you can probably tell from the dates, Arcamax has a huge collection of jokes for all occasions. I just post the ones that tickle me the most here when they come up on as a joke of the day.

Now, since this IS a joke thread, here's another from Arcamax:

School Notes
These are real notes written from parents in a Mississippi School District. (Spellings have been left intact.)

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days.Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.





This news arrived on: 03/18/2005

Word Play


Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine .

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Dear God,

Yesterday was an awful day for me..

My husband ran off with his secretary. My son pierced his eyebrow. My daughter tattooed the bald spot on her head. My dog mated with the neighbours cat. My neighbour sold her house to a mental institution. My Mom told me I was adopted. My boss told me I was laid off. My sister was arrested for prostitution. My house has termites. My car was stolen. All that came in the mail was bills. A plane crash landed on my garage. OJ Simpson came to my door selling rug cleaner. And my TV blew.

Lord, please be with me today.

I was able to live through all that misery yesterday. And I will be able to make it through anything today!

But please.... DON''T LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO MY COMPUTER!

Christmass wish

A small biy wrote to Santa, "Santa, all I want for Christmas is for you to send me a brother..."

Santa replied, "For this you will have to send me your mom first..."

Bob Hill and his wife Betty were vacationing in Europe near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway.

It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids outof control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house.

He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes.

A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor;come in and I will get him!" Bob brings his wife in.

An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. “Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.

He bursts in and shouts to his master:

"Master, Master! ..... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

Good one Box. Never saw it coming.
DG

Off to Vegas

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.

'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!

'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.

The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!'

An old one but makes me laugh.
DG

Who should be in charge?...

One day the different parts of the body were having an argument to see which should be in charge:The brain said, "I do all the thinking so I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The eyes said, "I see everything and let the rest of you know where we are, so I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The hands said, "Without me we wouldn't be able to pick anything up or move anything. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The stomach said, "I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of you. Without me, we'd starve. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The legs said, "Without me we wouldn't be able to move anywhere. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

Then the ass said, "I think I should be in charge."

All the rest of the parts said, "YOU?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You don't do anything! You're not as important as we surely are! You can't be in charge."

So the ass closed up.

After a few days, the legs were all wobbly, the stomach was all queasy, the hands were all shaky, the eyes were all watery, and the brain was all cloudy. They all agreed that they couldn't take any more of this sh!t and agreed to put the ass in charge.

The moral of the story? You don't have to be the most important to be in charge... you Just have to be an Asshole.

Q: What did the buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

Buddhist - Make me one with everything.

The hot dog vendor gives him the dog and the buddhist gives him a $20.

Buddhist - Hey, where's my change?

Vendor - Change must come from within.

See if you can pass the Redneck Readin' Test...

M R Ducks

M R Not

M R Too

C M Wangs

L I B...M R Ducks

M R Mice

M R Not

S A R...C M E D B D Feet?

L I B...M R Mice!

M R Puppies

M R Not

O S A R...C M P N?

L I B...M R Puppies.

M R Farmers.

M R Not!

O S A R...C M M T Pockets?

L I B...M R Farmers.

=== Translation Follows ===

M R Ducks = Them Are Ducks
M R Not = Them Are Not
M R Too = Them Are Too
C M Wangs = See Them Wings
L I B...M R Ducks = Well I Be - Them Are Ducks

M R Mice = Them Are Mice
M R Not = Them Are Not
S A R...C M E D B D Feet? = Yes They Are - See Them Iddy Biddy Feet ?
L I B...M R Mice! = Well I Be - Them Are Mice

M R Puppies = Them Are Puppies
M R Not = Them Are Not
O S A R...C M P N? - Oh Yes They Are - See Them Peeing?
L I B...M R Puppies. = Well I Be - Them Are Puppies

M R Farmers = Them Are Farmers
M R Not = Them Are Not
O S A R...C M M T Pockets? = Oh Yes They Are - See Them Empty Pockets ?
L I B...M R Farmers = Well I Be - Them Are Farmers

A Guys Love Story

Once upon a time, a prince asked a beautiful princess, Will you marry me?
The princess said, No
And the prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles
and went fishing and hunting and played golf
and dated women half his age and drank beer and scotch
and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up
and farted whenever he wanted.

The End

My small grandson got lost at the shopping mall..........

He approached a uniformed security guard and said,
"I've lost my grandpa!" The guard asked,

"What's his name?" "Grandpa"

The guard smiled, then asked, "What's he like?"

The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied,

"Jack Daniels whiskey, and women with big tits."

An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing..

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'She even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

Difference between Confident and Confidential...

A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential?"

Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential! "