Tell a Joke

A bunch of great scientists!


Click Here for:How to Get to Mars. Very Cool!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XRCIzZHpFtY&feature=player_embedded

Woo Hoo!

I'm currently the high bidder on Ebay, for the City of Detroit!

A Ton of Puns

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar for fingering A minor.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

chatman2

LOVE THIS PAGE.....and I miss THE BURMA SHAVE SIGNS....matter of fact I missed them all as no one ever drove off the road while I was reading them nor did I. LOL

chatman2 said:

LOVE THIS PAGE.....and I miss THE BURMA SHAVE SIGNS....matter of fact I missed them all as no one ever drove off the road while I was reading them nor did I. LOL

Click to expand...

Bristles scratched
her cookie's map
That's what made
poor Ginger snap.

BURMA SHAVE

The Department of Defense (DoD ) is proud to announce a new fleet of Class 69 destroyers. Having initially named the first two ships USS Daring and USS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from Congress, renamed them USS Cautious and USS Prudent.

The next five ships are to be USS Empathy, USS Circumspect, USS Nervous, USS Timorous and USS Apologist.

Costing $850 million each they comply with the very latest employment, equality, health and safety and human rights laws.

The U.S. Navy fully expects any future enemy to be decent and to comply with the same high standards of our behavior.

The viewer friendly stacks will be painted in the "gay pride" colors.

Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims.

Stress counselors and lawyers will be on board, as will a union representative for each of the trades on board.

The crew will be 50%/50% men and women and will contain the correct balance of race, gender, sexuality, and disability.

Sailors will only work a maximum of 40 hours per week as per union rules on working hours, time and a half for overtime, and double time on Sundays and holidays, even in wartime.

All the vessels are equipped with a maternity ward and a gay disco.

Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but recreational cannabis will be allowed in wardrooms and messes.

Saluting of officers is now considered elitist and has been replaced by "Hi, Sailor."

All information on notice boards will be in 37 different languages

Crew members will now have permission to grow beards and/or mustaches. This applies equally to female crew.

A majority of Senators have suggested a "non-specific" flag because the current "Stars and Stripes" may offend some Nations during port calls.

The newly re-named USS Cautious will be commissioned shortly by Muslim cleric from the Washington DC Mosque who will detonate a small explosive device near the hull. As she gently slides into the sea the Marines Corps Band will play "In the Navy" by the Village People. Her first deployment will be to escort boatloads of illegal immigrants to ports on the East coast.

The President said, "Our ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking and they will always be able to comply with any new legislation from the U.N."

His final words were, "I told you there would be 'CHANGE!'"

A guy is walking along a Florida beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. A genie appears and tells him he has been granted one wish.

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "I want to live forever."

"Sorry," said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."

"OK, then, I want to die after the Democrats balance the budget and eliminate the debt.

"You crafty little barstid," said the genie.

Cop pulls over a man*

"Sir I'd like you to take this breathalyzer test."

Man: "I can't, I have asthma, I might have an attack."

Cop: "Then I need to take a blood sample."

Man: "No sir, I'm a hemophiliac, I might bleed to death."

Cop: "OK, I'll need a pee sample."

Man: "I can't do that either officer. I'm a diabetic, I might get low blood sugar."

Cop: "Fine, just walk this line."

Man: "I can't."

Cop: "Why?"

Man: "Because I'm drunk."

One just has to be politically correct

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious
Al-Gebra movement.

He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes." White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President. It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.

Why Are Raincoats Yellow?

*******

GOOD SAMARITAN

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class

the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked

the class, "If you saw a person lying on the

roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would

you do?" A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed

silence, "I think I'd throw up."

[QUOTE=chatman2;LOVE THIS PAGE.....


Thanks...Means much to know.

Who knew?

Did you know that drinking two glasses of Gatorade can relieve headache pain almost immediately-without the unpleasant side effects caused by traditional pain relievers?

Did you know that Colgate Toothpaste makes an excellent salve for burns?

Before you head to the drugstore for a high-priced inhaler filled with mysterious chemicals, try chewing on a couple of curiously strong Altoids peppermints. They'll clear up your stuffed nose..


Achy muscles from a bout of the flu? Mix 1 tablespoon horseradish in 1 cup of olive oil. Let the mixture sit for 30 minutes, then apply it as a massage oil for instant relief for aching muscles.

Sore throat? Just mix 1/4 cup of vinegar with 1/4 cup of honey and take 1 tablespoon six times a day The vinegar kills the bacteria.

Cure urinary tract infections with Alka-Seltzer. Just dissolve two tablets in a glass of water and drink it at the onset of the symptoms. Alka-Seltzer begins eliminating urinary tract infections almost instantly-even though the product was never advertised for this use.

Honey remedy for skin blemishes...... Cover the blemish with a dab of honey and place a Band-Aid over it. Honey kills the bacteria, keeps the skin sterile, and speeds healing. Works overnight.

Listerine therapy for toenail fungus: Get rid of unsightly toenail fungus by soaking your toes in Listerine Mouthwash. The powerful antiseptic leaves your toenails looking healthy again.

Easy eyeglass protection... To prevent the screws in eyeglasses from loosening, apply a small drop of Maybelline Crystal Clear Nail Polish to the threads of the screws before tightening them.

Cleaning liquid that doubles as bug killer... If menacing bees, wasps, hornets, or yellow jackets get in your home and you can't find the insecticide, try a spray of Formula 409.. Insects drop to the ground instantly.

Smart splinter remover: Just pour a drop of Elmer's Glue-All over the splinter, let dry, and peel the dried glue off the skin. The splinter sticks to the dried glue.

Hunt's Tomato Paste boil cure.. Cover the boil with Hunt's Tomato Paste as a compress. The acids from the tomatoes soothe the pain and bring the boil to a head.

Balm for broken blisters... To disinfect a broken blister, dab on a few drops of Listerine, a powerful antiseptic..

Vinegar to heal bruises... Soak a cotton ball in white vinegar and apply it to the bruise for 1 hour. The vinegar reduces the blueness and speeds up the healing process..

Quaker Oats for fast pain relief.... it's not for breakfast anymore! Mix 2 cups of Quaker Oats and 1 cup of water in a bowl and warm in the microwave for 1 minute, cool slightly, and apply the mixture to your hands for soothing relief from arthritis pain.

This made me laugh....

We are told not to judge all Muslims by the actions of a few lunatics.

However....

We are encouraged, by that same authority, to judge all gun owners by the actions of a few lunatics.

What? Am I missing something....?

When I get older, I want to be like him.


Last night a man in his 70's lucked out and was able to buy several boxes of AR-15 5.56 NATO round ammo at the sporting goods store.
On the way home he stopped at the 7-Eleven gas station where this drop-dead gorgeous young blonde was filling up her car at the pump next to his.

She glanced at the ammo boxes in the back of his Jeep and said in a very seductive voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, old timer. Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?"

The old guy thought a few seconds and asked, "What kinda ammo ya got?"

This video was inevitable...

PURE DETROIT (Pure Michigan Parody)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l4ZQooPHHAA&feature=player_embedded

I can never get enough of these Flash Mob spectacles...

-----------------Grocery Store Opera

Sacla' the Pesto Pioneers and Italian foodies favourite brand, served up a great surprise at John Lewis Foodhall from Waitrose and staged an impromptu Opera in the food aisles.

They planted five secret opera singers who were disguised as casual shoppers and store staff amongst the groceries who broke into song bringing the foodhall to a standstill with a rousing rendition of the Italian classic Funiculì, Funiculà.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=44UC6muN8KY

A Jew comes home from the death camp to find his house occupied by a Romanian. The Romanian says man you don't look so good. The Jew says yes I'm a little down on my luck. All I have left is the shirt on your back.

(RARE SIGHTING)
I AM FORTUNATE TO HAVE A FRIEND THAT LIVES IN COPACABANA BEACH IN RIO DE JANEIRO, BRAZIL.

HE WAS ABLE TO SEND ME A PICTURE OF THE VERY RARE BRAZILIAN OCTOPUS “TEMPLAMOSLO DURO MAN”.

IT IS NOT ONLY RARE BUT IT IS THE LARGEST OCTOPUS IN THE WATERS THAT BORDER SOUTH AMERICA.

IT IS ALSO A DELICACY FOR THOSE OF US THAT ENJOY AN OCCASIONAL TREAT OF “SUSHI”.

(ALTHOUGH I KNOW IT IS AN ACQUIRED TASTE)

Funny stuff... Especially if you've seen the movie Brave Heart.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5FFRoYhTJQQ&feature=player_embedded

The Anniversary

A cop was doing his rounds when he comes across an elderly couple banging away on a fence "What do you think you're doing?" he asks
Still banging his partner the man replies "we're celebrating 40 years since we first fucked on this very spot"
The cop says "that's all very well but can't you at least stop while i'm talking to you?"
The old man , still banging away says " WE WOULD BUT THE FENCE WASN'T ELECTRIFIED 40 YEARS AGO"

BusyAfternoon said:

We are told not to judge all Muslims by the actions of a few lunatics.

However....

We are encouraged, by that same authority, to judge all gun owners by the actions of a few lunatics.

What? Am I missing something....?

Click to expand...

Yup. Context.

One failed attempt at a shoe bomb and we all take off our shoes at the airport.

Thirty-one school shootings since Columbine and no change in our regulation of guns.

And finally...
Q: How many NRA spokesmen do you need to change a light bulb?
A: More guns.

RobDownSouth said:

Yup. Context.

One failed attempt at a shoe bomb and we all take off our shoes at the airport.

Thirty-one school shootings since Columbine and no change in our regulation of guns.

And finally...
Q: How many NRA spokesmen do you need to change a light bulb?
A: More guns.

Click to expand...

I don't think that profiling shoes, nor grandmothers from Utah, as particularly smart moves while not checking under Burqaas or " hijabs" either.