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First story ~ love some feedback

It's a cute little starter fantasy piece (and I 've got a soft spot for life drawing stories, having been on both sides of the easel).

You need to pay attention to correct punctuation, especially in dialogue; there's an occasional spelling mistake, and you tense shift all the time.

For example:
Finally, her eyes came to rest on his manhood. Her cheeks becoming quite flushed as she realizes just how endowed he is. Taking a seat across from her, Theo glances over "So, what position do you want me in Liz?"
Click to expand...
should read:


Finally, her eyes came to rest on his manhood. Her cheeks became quite flushed as she realized just how endowed he was. Taking a seat across from her, Theo glanced over and asked, "So, what position do you want me in, Liz?"


Your point of view hops back and forth between them, constantly - affectionately known as head hopping. It's less distracting for readers to stay with one character for a long while, and then, if you must, transition to the other character, making it clear that you have done so.

Finally, it's very short. I know you've got the excitement of being a new writer with your first piece, but this is only 1500 words, less than half a Lit page (3,750 words, give or take). Aim for something longer, I'd suggest, so readers have got more time to get their teeth into the story (and if it's erotic enough, to give them more satisfaction).

Keep going, find yourself an editor and/or learn the basics of good grammar - it's not the best nor the worst first short piece I've seen, and it won't be the last :).
 
electricblue66 said:
It's a cute little starter fantasy piece (and I 've got a soft spot for life drawing stories, having been on both sides of the easel).

You need to pay attention to correct punctuation, especially in dialogue; there's an occasional spelling mistake, and you tense shift all the time.

For example:

should read:


Finally, her eyes came to rest on his manhood. Her cheeks became quite flushed as she realized just how endowed he was. Taking a seat across from her, Theo glanced over and asked, "So, what position do you want me in, Liz?"


Your point of view hops back and forth between them, constantly - affectionately known as head hopping. It's less distracting for readers to stay with one character for a long while, and then, if you must, transition to the other character, making it clear that you have done so.

Finally, it's very short. I know you've got the excitement of being a new writer with your first piece, but this is only 1500 words, less than half a Lit page (3,750 words, give or take). Aim for something longer, I'd suggest, so readers have got more time to get their teeth into the story (and if it's erotic enough, to give them more satisfaction).

Keep going, find yourself an editor and/or learn the basics of good grammar - it's not the best nor the worst first short piece I've seen, and it won't be the last :).
Click to expand...

This is great feedback. I will make a point of paying attention to tense a lot better. I will also pay better attention to dialog. The next two parts are already submitted, so I will ask people to forgive the issues with grammar, the 4th part will reflect the great feedback i'm getting. I will also try to hook up with one of our volunteer editors. The parts are short because I read them live on an online forum. I will combine parts in the future to make them longer.

Thanks again for the great feedback
 
ShaynMackenzie said:
As it says in the title, i'm new and would love some feedback on my first story. It's in the BDSM section. It's part 1 of and ongoing storyline. Part 2 will be posted tonight, part 3 should be in the next day or so. So, please give me your opinion. The good, the bad, or the ugly :)
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It's an easy read. I agree with EB's comments, but I'll add that while there were problems with grammar, spelling and inconsistent perspective and tense, none of the problems were so big that they interfered with my ability to follow the story.

There were elements of the story that I found hard to believe. Maybe that was all part of the erotic fantasy, but it still kicked me out of the the story a few times--which is remarkable, considering how short it was.

1) I can't imagine a college class in drawing that requires a live nude subject without providing the model and the studio environment. Even clubs and independent study groups provide models. That was in the first paragraph, so it wasn't a good start for me.

2) No college girl I ever knew would relax in the dorm after dinner in a skirt and black lace panties. Pajamas would be more likely.

3) Theo is a friend, but Liz doesn't seem to know him very well at all.

So, there were technical problems that I didn't find too distracting, but (for me) story problems that made me roll my eyes.
 
NotWise said:
It's an easy read. I agree with EB's comments, but I'll add that while there were problems with grammar, spelling and inconsistent perspective and tense, none of the problems were so big that they interfered with my ability to follow the story.

There were elements of the story that I found hard to believe. Maybe that was all part of the erotic fantasy, but it still kicked me out of the the story a few times--which is remarkable, considering how short it was.

1) I can't imagine a college class in drawing that requires a live nude subject without providing the model and the studio environment. Even clubs and independent study groups provide models. That was in the first paragraph, so it wasn't a good start for me.

2) No college girl I ever knew would relax in the dorm after dinner in a skirt and black lace panties. Pajamas would be more likely.

3) Theo is a friend, but Liz doesn't seem to know him very well at all.

So, there were technical problems that I didn't find too distracting, but (for me) story problems that made me roll my eyes.
Click to expand...

I loved your feed back and I will answer up to some of the choices I made while writing it. I have a BA in graphic design that I got from a very good art school and one of my first classes I had was Drawing 2 in my second semester. One of our assignments was to find a friend to draw nude. Being we were all artists, it was not really hard to find a friend to pose nude, but I get where it might be hard to believe.

As it was erotic fantasy, I decided to check the realism at the door :)

As too the skirt and panties. I figured she was having a male friend over and might not want to throw on jammies. Again, I figured erotic fantasy. Make it sexy. I do intend to have them get to know each other much better :)

I appreciate the great feedback though. Lack of good critique, will never make me a better writer.
 
I don't wear jammies but when I have a male friend come over, I don't wear fancy panties or clothing. That did strike me as a bit odd. I'd more likely have on a nightshirt or lounger unless we were planning to go somewhere. But then, I live in an area where most everyone dresses casually.
 
NotWise said:
2) No college girl I ever knew would relax in the dorm after dinner in a skirt and black lace panties. Pajamas would be more likely.
Click to expand...
I lived in a university residential college for three years, and don't recall seeing PJs once.

Small towels wrapped around tall girls, running to the central showers, was always rather nice ;)
 
electricblue66 said:
I lived in a university residential college for three years, and don't recall seeing PJs once.

Small towels wrapped around tall girls, running to the central showers, was always rather nice ;)
Click to expand...

Dayum! I thought I was being the smart one by living off campus...now I'm feeling I was somehow shortchanged all around :(
 
ShaynMackenzie said:
I will also try to hook up with one of our volunteer editors. The parts are short because I read them live on an online forum. I will combine parts in the future to make them longer.
Click to expand...

I won’t repeat what others have said, about the two chapters being very short etc., but if you can find an editor that would be a good idea. I’d also like to share an experience with you that might help.

I wrote a story, BiBi and Will, of about 11,000 words. I decided to split it into five parts posted about three days apart. I was really disappointed in the response, i.e. ratings, so I asked for the five episodes to be deleted. I submitted the story again, as I had originally written it, and the difference in the response was remarkable. It taught me a lesson. Better to have one story of 11k/3 pages than 5 pages of about 2k each.

I learned a lot from more experienced writers after I published my first story ten months ago and so will you. They know what they’re talking about.
 
I wanted to thank everyone again for the great feedback. My third part has been submitted. I hope everyone likes it. it's about 4k in length and has been through an editor who was nice enough to walk me through it and explain my errors. I hope you all enjoy it. I will post a link when it gets posted.

shayn
 
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