Humor Thread

An elderly Peer woke up one morning and rang for his valet.

"Jenkins, I find I have an erection."

"Congratulations, Sir! Shall I fetch Her Ladyship?"

"Certainly not! Inform the chauffeur that I want him to drive me to Soho. This needs professional attention."

Differences

Q1. What is the differene between an Opera Impresario and a baby?

Q2. What is the difference between a constipated owl and a bad marksman?

Q3. Two into one won't go. True or False?

Q4. What is it that six men can do that three women can't?

A1. A baby sucks his fingers.

A2. A bad marksman shoots and can't hit.

A3. Yes they can, but only one at a time.

A4. Pee simultaneously into the same bucket.

Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked
readers to take any word from the dictionary , alter it by adding,
subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

The winners are:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until

you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright
ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately,shows little sign
of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person
who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

12. Karmageddon: It's when everybody is sending off all these really bad
vibes, and then the Earth explodes, and it's a serious bummer.

13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through
the day consuming only things that are good for you

14. Glibido: All talk and no action.

15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem
smarter when they come at you rapidly.

16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into
your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in

the fruit you're eating.


The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its
yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings
for common words.



And the winners are:
1. coffee, n. the person upon whom one coughs.

2. flabbergasted, adj. appalled by discovering how much weight one has
gained.

3. abdicate, v. to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. esplanade, v. to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. willy-nilly, adj. impotent.

6. negligent, adj. absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a
nightgown.

7. lymph, v. to walk with a lisp.

8. gargoyle, n. olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. flatulence, n. emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been
run over by a steamroller.

10. balderdash, n. a rapidly receding hairline.

11. testicle, n. a humorous question on an exam
12. rectitude, n. the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. pokemon, n. a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. oyster, n. a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. the belief that, after death, the soul flies up
onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. circumvent, n. an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by
Jewish men.

Red Light

Two sailors were wlaking down a street in a port new to them when a girl stuck her head out of a doorway and shouted:

"Come in, sailors, and I'll give you something you've never had before..."

One sailor looked at the other and said:

"Run like hell. She must have leprosy."

Mickey Mouse is in Divorce court.

"Mickey," the judge says, "I can't grant you a divorce because she's crazy. In fact, Minnie seems quite sane to me."

Mickey says, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was fucking Goofy!"

---------------------------------------

A big burly biker steps into the doorway of a Manhattan yuppie bar known to be frequented by lawyers.

The biker shouts, "ALL LAWYERS ARE ASSHOLES!"

I little fellow in a three-piece suit walks right up to him and says, "You take that back right now!"

"Why?" the biker asks, "Are you a lawyer?"

"No." says the little fellow, "I'm an asshole."

On the morning after his 80th birthday, George decided to visit his doctor because he was worried that his sexual stamina was waning.

The doctor asked "Why should you be so concerned? It is normal for your age."

"Last night my friend Arthur, he's 85, said that he makes love to his wife every night."

"Well, can't you SAY the same?"

oggbashan said:

Q1. What is the differene between an Opera Impresario and a baby?

Q2. What is the difference between a constipated owl and a bad marksman?

Q3. Two into one won't go. True or False?

Q4. What is it that six men can do that three women can't?

A1. A baby sucks his fingers.

A2. A bad marksman shoots and can't hit.

A3. Yes they can, but only one at a time.

A4. Pee simultaneously into the same bucket.

Click to expand...

I disagree with Q & A 3. Haven't you ever heard of a double penetration and, if not, whatinell are you doing on this site?

Hi Og Thanks for stopping in and Posting some great stuff.

Thanks to all of you for posting here. Happy to see Ogg, Box and a virgin (Bi_in_LA) join us. Of course always glad to see the regulars like Red, crude and Handley.
DG

Just for my friends!

An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots; each hung on the ends of a pole which she carried across her neck.

One of the pots had a crack in it, while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water.

At the end of the long walks from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.

For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water.

Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments.

But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do.

After two years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream.
"I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house."

The old woman smiled, "Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?"

"That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them."

"For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table.

Without you being just the way you are, there would no t be this beauty to grace the house."

Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding.

You've just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them.

SO, to all of my crackpot friends, have a great day and remember to smell the flowers on your side of the path!

Clock Shop
a guy walks into a clock shop and sees a beautiful attendant behind the counter.

He walks up, whips out his dick and sets it on the countertop.

suddenly the attendant sees this and screams "what are you doing this is a CLOCK shop, not a COCK shop!"

the man replies, "I know, I want you to put two hands and a face on this."

Heart Transplant
A prostitute went to visit a colleague in the hospital just before she was about to have a heart transplant. The woman, concerned about her friend's welfare, went up to the surgeon who was going to perform the operation and said "Doctor, I'm worried about my friend. What if her body rejects the organ?" The doctor replied "Well, she's 34 years old and is in extremely good health apart from her heart. How long has she been in the business?" The patient's friend replied "She's been working since she was 18 years old, but what's that got to do with anything?"

"Well," said the doctor, "if she's been working for 16 years and hasn't rejected an organ, I don't think she's about to start now!"

Married to a Frenchman.
A woman is on her honeymoon with her new French husband. She is giving him oral sex when the phone rings.

The husband answers it, to find out is his mother-in-law, asking for her daughter.

He says, "She cannot talk rrright now, she 'as a frog in ze thrrroat."

Saving for marriage
There's this couple and they've been dating for quite some time. He wants her really bad, but she won't sleep with him because she's saving herself for marriage. As they were kissing, and doing their thing, he's very hot and bothered, and he said, "Oh come on, just a feel."

She said, "No, I'm saving myself for marriage."

They went back and forth. He said, "Just one feel, I promise, that's all, just one feel."

She finally agreed, "Okay, just one feel, but that's all, just one, I'm saving myself for marriage."

So he puts his hand down her panties and takes a little feel. Things are getting a lot warmer and he asks, "Can't we please?"

She of course states, "NO, I'm saving myself for marriage."

He says, "Please, please?" and she says, "No, absolutely not, I'm saving myself for marriage."

He says, "How about if I agree to only just put the tip in?"

She says, "No way, I'm saving myself for marriage."

He begs and pleads with her, "I promise, just the tip, no more,and we'll stop after that."

She finally gives in, "Okay, but just the tip, no more, and that's all."

He says okay and pulls down her panties and puts the tip in... he's so hot and ready that he can't control himself shoves it the whole way in and starts going to town... she meanwhile is moaning and groaning and shouts, "OKAY, GO AHEAD, PUT IT THE WHOLE WAY IN!"

A little stunned, he says, "NO, absolutely not, a deals a deal!"

Blond's T shirt
A Blond goes over to her friend's house wearing a T.G.I.F Tee-Shirt.
"Why are you wearing a Thank God it's Friday Tee-shirt on Wednesday?"
"Oh crap!" the blond says,
"I thought it meant Tits Go In Front."

Having once been temporary blind I find this one funny and ot offinceive.

Blind team
A teacher at a school for blind kids is taking his school's soccer team to an "away game". They stop for a rest break, and to let the kids work off some energy with a little impromptu practice in a nearby pasture. The teacher is sitting in a nearby diner, explaining to another patron how it is that blind kids can play soccer.
"We made a special ball, with a bell in it, so the kids can keep track of where the ball is and what it's doing by listening for it. They're pretty good at it too."
"Very clever!" remarks the other patron.
Just then they are interrupted as another patron, who is looking out the window, says, "Hey! Are you the guy with those damn blind kids from the bus?"
"Yes," says the teacher, stung by the way "his" kids are being referred to, "what about it? You got something against blind kids?"
"Nothing, ordinarily," says the guy, still scowling out the window, "but you better get them rounded up quick! They're kicking the hell out of my best milk cow!"

redpaint said:

Clock Shop
a guy walks into a clock shop and sees a beautiful attendant behind the counter.

He walks up, whips out his dick and sets it on the countertop.

suddenly the attendant sees this and screams "what are you doing this is a CLOCK shop, not a COCK shop!"

the man replies, "I know, I want you to put two hands and a face on this."

Click to expand...

I hope he soon got it ticking... lmao...

what do you call a black man flying a plane?

The Pilot!

Stella_Omega said:

what do you call a black man flying a plane?

The Pilot!

Click to expand...

Thanks Stella, I have flown on a plane with a black pilot. Last year we flew to Texas and had two male stewards. They gave us the best service we had in awhile.
Thanks for posting.
DG

Ok, not for everyone, but I found it funny. Sad to say, I have a grandson getting deployed to Iraq in two weeks.
DG

Soldier on the Run

A soldier was running down the road, and came to a fork in the road, where he saw a nun standing there. Out of breath he asked, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirt for a few minutes? I'll explain WHY later."

The nun agreed. Just a moment later, two Military Police came running along and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier running by here??"

The nun replied, "He went that way." After the MP's disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq."

The nun said, "I think I can fully understand your fear."

The soldier added, "I hope you don't think I'm rude or impertinent, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls. I don't want to go to Iraq either!"

OK, now this is funny.

Big and Dumb

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.

The son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"

The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!"

The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"

Since I was a new patient, I had to fill out an information form for the
doctor's files. The nurse reading it over noticed my unusual name.

"How do you pronounce it?" she asked.

"Na-le-Y-ko," I said, proud of my Ukrainian heritage.

"That sounds real nice," she said, smiling.

"Yes, it is melodious," I agreed.

"So," she asked sweetly, "what part of Melodia is your family from?"

A sexy girl met a guy in the mall and he asked her out for a date..
To which she haughtily reply.. I am a Proud Lesbian..
To which he replied. I like to meet women from exotic places.. which part of Lesbia are you from?

Do I hear a crash in the distance as my dahlin' SB comes screaming in steeaming fury to wallop her sweet CB for mentioning the land of the lezzies?
gawwwd.. miss u painting the thread red sweetheart.. where r u?