Humor Thread

Tight Pussy

I remember this joke from way back when I was in high school. Made me smile to read it again.
DG

This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand onto her pussy.

"Put your finger in me..." she asks him.

So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning. "

Put two fingers in...", she says. So in goes another one.

She's really starting to get worked up when she says,

"Put your whole hand in!".

The guy's like, "Ok!".

So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud

"Put both your hands inside of me!!!".

So the guy struggles and eventually gets both of his hands in!

"Now clap your hands..." commands the girl.

"Hell! I can't", says the guy.

The girl looks at him and says

"Tight isn't it?"

Skiing

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed.

In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says,

"I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!"

The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too.

Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says,

"That's funny, I dreamt I was skiing!"

This juan hurts...

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. "How was he killed?" asked one detective. "With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun? What is a golf gun?" "I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."

This was sent to me by a lady friend. We've had similar ones before, but still cute.
DG

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Sherry.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, & finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic & searched, & down into the basement. Then I went through every closet & checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, & finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack & died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

PRICELESS!

Have a smoke for me


LAWYER/INSURANCE STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE, AND
POSSIBLY THE CENTURY.

This took place in Charlotte North Carolina


A lawyer purchased a box of very
rare and expensive cigars, then insured them
against, among other things, fire.


Within a month, having smoked his entire
stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer
filed a claim against the insurance company


In his claim, the lawyer stated the
cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.'


The insurance company refused to
pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man
had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.


The lawyer sued and WON!


(Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars

were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his
loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers
Award Contest.

Loved it SWEETWITCH, Thank you
DG

On the Kitchen Table

She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'

My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.' Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; Right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her T' shirt still around her neck. A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'

She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.' Women are very mean.

Molly, it is very true, very scary, and absolutely Hilarious!

DG Hear said:

Loved it SWEETWITCH, Thank you
DG

Click to expand...

DesertPirate said:

Molly, it is very true, very scary, and absolutely Hilarious!

Click to expand...

Karma...

Thumbs up!

A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while."

Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom.

"Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same woman who smacked our asses just for sucking our thumbs."

Dog For Sale

Even if you don't own a dog at present, you'll appreciate the efforts of this owner to sell her dog.

Read her sales pitch below...



Dog For Sale

Excellent guard dog.

Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore,as there are no more thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat.
Most of them knew him as 'Holy Shit'.

Final Exam

Sex Education 101...Final Exam...Millard Fillmore H.S.

Study each question carefully. Mark true or false. You have one hour.

.............................................T F
A clitoris is a type of flower. 0 0

A pubic hair is a wild rabbit. 0 0

'Spread Eagle' is an extinct bird. 0 0

Vagina is a medical term describing heart trouble. 0 0

A menstrual cycle has three (3) wheels. 0 0

A G-string is found on a violin. 0 0

Semen is another word for sailors. 0 0

Anus is the Latin word for 'yearly'. 0 0

Testicles are found on an octopus. 0 0

Asphalt describes problems with the rectum. 0 0

KOTEX is a radio station in Bryan, Texas. 0 0

Masturbator is used to catch big fish. 0 0

Coitus is a musical instrument. 0 0

Fetus is a character in "Gunsmoke". 0 0

An umbilical cord is part of a parachute. 0 0

A condom is a type of apartment complex. 0 0

An orgasm is the person who accompanies the choir in church. 0 0

A diaphragm is a geometric figure. 0 0

A dildo is a type of sweet pickle. 0 0

An erection is when Japanese people vote for new government officials. 0 0

A lesbian is a person from the Middle East. 0 0

Sodomy is a special fast growing grass. 0 0

Pornography is the business of making record albums. 0 0

Genitals are persons of non-Jewish origin. 0 0

Douche is the Italian word for 'twelve'. 0 0

An enema is someone who is not your friend. 0 0

Ovaries are a French egg dish made with cheese. 0 0

Scrotum is a small planet near Uranus. 0 0

Heck Tom! You didn't give the answers. Now I don't know how good I did.
Hope I pssed.
DG

An Oldie but cute!

An old lady was standing at the rail of the cruise ship holding her hat so that the wind wouldn't blow it away.

A gentleman approached her & said, 'Pardon me, madam, I do not intend
to be
forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this wind?'

'Yes, I know,' said the lady. 'But I need my hands to hold onto my hat.'

'But madam,' he said, 'you must know that you're derriere is exposed!'

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and said, 'Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old, but I just bought this hat!'

'Gotta Love old people!'
DG

If your nose keeps on a running and people thnk it funny, but it's-not.

time joke-time joke, in time you'll get it
DG

DG Hear said:

Heck Tom! You didn't give the answers. Now I don't know how good I did.
Hope I pssed.
DG

Click to expand...

wikipedia said:

Q: What are the strings on a violin called?

Answer

THE LOWEST STRING IS A " G" THE STRING NEXT TO IT IS A " D " THEN AN " A " THEN AN "E" GET IT TIGHT GET IT RIGHT

Click to expand...

All but one of the answers is false. A g-string is a string on a violin (although I suspect that asnwer was intended to be false as well.)

Weird Harold said:

All but one of the answers is false. A g-string is a string on a violin (although I suspect that asnwer was intended to be false as well.)

Click to expand...

HAHA Thanks Harold but there was a bit of tongue and cheek here.

Where did the post from Wikipedia come from. I missed it somewhere? Thanks again Harold for keeping watch over the thread. Much appreciated.
DG

DG Hear said:

HAHA Thanks Harold but there was a bit of tongue and cheek here.

Where did the post from Wikipedia come from. I missed it somewhere? Thanks again Harold for keeping watch over the thread. Much appreciated.
DG

Click to expand...

I googled Violin String Name and it was the first hit that wasn't a PDF file.

The Thinker

One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after
several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.

She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up,
And begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing.. I'm reading.'

'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over
by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window
with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the
trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.

The driver says, "Why'd you do that?

The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over,
you'll have your license ready."

Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean.

He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the
passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls
his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the
nightstick.

The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"

The cop says,"Just making your wishes come true."

The passenger says, "Huh?"

The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're
gonna say, 'I wish that sucker would've tried that shit with me!'"

DG Hear said:

One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after
several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.

She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up,
And begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing.. I'm reading.'

'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

Click to expand...

Good one, and so true! Some day you guys will learn.

An oldie but I still like it.

The judge is tired. It's been a long day and he's seen more than his share of B.S. Cases.

His next case comes up and he is informed that it's a charge of Lewd and Lascivious in Public. He looks down at the yopung woman and asks her if she knows why she's there.

"Yes your honor." She replies. "I'm here because I was blowing bubbles in the park."

"What" was his bellowed reply. "Case dismissed."

He's fuming as the next case is introduced. It's another case of Lewd and Lacivious. Again the young lady tells him she was arrested for blowing Bubbles in the park. The judge is pissed, he dismisses the case then calls the officer forward. He informs the officer that he will be fired.

The judge is feeling a bit better after his tirade. He calls for his next case and a young man shows up. Again the charge is Lewd and Lacivious. The judge sighs and asks him if he too was blowing bubbles in the park. The young man looks at the judge, swallows and answers.

"No sir. Ummm, I'm Bubbles."

Cat

Excuses

This recovering alcoholic is down town to pick up his income tax return. He passes by a bar and turns to go inside. He stops and thinks to himself "If I go in here and get drunk, my wife will leave me". He makes a promise to himself to only have a couple beers and then leave. Well he goes in and gets wasted.

As he sits at the bar, he pukes down the front of his shirt. Immediately he breaks out into tears sobbing "My wife is going to leave me. I'm just a miserable old drunk and now I'm going to die alone".

The guy sitting next to him turns and says to the drunk guy "It's not that bad. You can get out of this." The drunk looks at him and asks how in the world is he going to get out of this? The guy says "Take a $5 bill and put it in your shirt pocket. When you get home, tell her you had a couple beers and a guy puked on you.

Tell her that the $5 was given to you to pay for the shirt." The drunk guy looks disbelievingly at him and says "That just might work. You are a saint. Thank you." The drunk guys goes straight home. When he walks through the front door, his wife is waiting for him and she is irate. She takes one look at him and screams "I can't believe it. You're drunk. I warned you but you just don't care. I'm moving out."

The drunk says "Stop honey. Let me explain. True I did have a couple beers but I'm not drunk." She says " Look at you... you puked down the front of your shirt." He says "I didn't do this. A drunk guy next to me puked on me. He put a $5 bill in my shirt pocket to pay for the shirt. You can see for yourself" She reaches into his pocket and pulls out some money. She looks at it, then to him and says "This is a $10 bill"

He looks at her and says "Oh I forgot. He shit my pants too".

It feels good to see more people posting on the thread. As I've said before, "All are welcome to post your humor and jokes here."
DG Hear

CAR ACCIDENT IN TEXAS.... PRICELESS !!

If you don't listen to anything else today, listen to this one. This will definitely make you laugh! Turn up your sound and click on the website below. The accident occurred in the Dallas-Ft. Worth area. This is a phone call from a man who witnesses the accident involving four elderly women.. It was so popular when they played it on CHUM- F M, and they put it on their website. The guy's laugh is contagious. Just close your eyes and picture what he sees.


Click on the link below.


http://www.chumfm.com/MorningShow/bits/march24.swf