Two sections of my story are up.

Hello All:

While I don't necessarily live and die with the scores I get, it is always nice to know that other people enjoyed your work.

That being said, I would appreciate feedback on the first two sections of my "Coven" series.

https://www.literotica.com/s/the-cahmberlain-coven-ch-01-02

https://www.literotica.com/s/the-chamberlain-coven-ch-03-05

Obviously, we all think our writing is pretty good, but I am a little disappointed in the scores thus far. I'm not begging for 5s here, but would appreciate some honest feedback.

Thanks,

Glaze

Alright, you asked for a feedback in private, but I'll resist doing that because I want my critique to be an open one. Anything caustic that is without reason will be pointed out by others who won't agree. Here goes:


Your opening has the characteristic stink of an info dump.


"How much longer will we have to wait, Claire?"

Claire Chamberlain looked at her sister, then glanced around the table in the back of the occult bookstore which she and Sybil ran in Des Moines.

"We will wait as long as we have to wait, Sybil," she replied. "We have waited sixteen years, what is another few weeks or months?"


I'm left wondering who, where and what the hell is happening out here. You try to pump in as much info as you can in one go, which is a bad thing. Shorten down the sentences into a readable format. Do away with unnecessary words. I'd try somewhat like this:


"How much longer will we have to wait, Claire?"

Claire Chamberlain glanced around the table.

"We will wait as long as we have to wait, Sybil," she replied. "We have waited sixteen years, what is another few weeks or months?"


That's it. I don't think there's any need to reference occult book stores in the middle of nowhere in a scene where it isn't necessary. You can add it somewhere later on, but don't clog your story while giving it a kickstart at the very beginning. You'd bore me away. I really wish that you try and apply this wherever you can in your story.

As I go through your story, I don't find it easy to go through all the reference that you're dumping right at the beginning. I don't get used to one character, and you start introducing and describing another character. I'm not against introduction of multiple characters, but you screwed it for me with your writing style. And something that leaves a bad taste in my mouth right at the beginning isn't something I'd want to read any further.

Victorian style conversations isn't something I like, but it can be used to set the theme if done artfully. You didn't do that. Instead, it feels suffocating. It doesn't flow well.

Aaaaaaannnnd here it goes.

I've lost interest in your story. Your hook isn't decent enough. I just can't find any motivation to go on. You give some magical undercurrent to your story, but you don't exploit it. I fucking lost it when the collective thoughts shifted back to the table. You can't hold on to a line of thought before jumping onto the bandwagon of another line of thought. Make sense? This incoherency thing is a headache for me, and frankly speaking, pisses me off.

Sorry, but this story wasn't up my alley. My reason for posting in public, as I've mentioned before, is to tell you that this is my own personal opinion as others will point out. I'm sure there are other people who'd like your story, but it wasn't I could read without smashing my head through walls.

Chapter 1, nothing happened. Five witches sat around a table and talked. Too much narrative summary, too much aside details. For example, this paragraph:

In truth, she had to admit Des Moines was not a bad place to live and raise a family. The schools were good, and there was an unexpected progressive vibe which ran through the larger cities in Iowa, especially Des Moines and Iowa City. Even she had been shocked when the state supreme court had legalized gay marriage in Iowa. If only there was some way of neutralizing the appallingly unpleasant fundamentalist streak which poisoned so many of the smaller towns and villages in the state.

Click to expand...

does nothing to advance the plot or define the characters.

If the story is about John and Susanna, it would have been better to start with them. If you had started with Chapter 2, it probably would have been a better story.

Chapter 2 has the same problems - John is sitting on the bench watching his team play baseball - it doesn't grab my interest. Again, lots of narrative summary and asides. Then John starts describing the characters we met in Chapter 1. Boring! Something like a story finally begins when John finally gets an at bat in the baseball game. I would suggest that you should have started there.