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Take a read and let me know....

- Stories without sex have bad scores. It's sad but true.

- you are not using commas properly.

- while the ideas are interesting, the poor grammar ruined it for me. You need an editor.
 
My brain refuses to slog thru boring prose, its too much like looking for an ear ring in a bag of garbage. The problem is mine and I own it.
 
- Some people are haters. It's not that they have a grievance against you dhh37363, it's just them projecting their own self-loathing onto you.

- Don't hate people criticizing you. Hate is too contagious and it makes everything worse. Instead you should focus on the aspect of the critique that is directly relevant to your writing. For example, a critique about a reader having a tiresome brain is should be ignored.
 
You do need some punctuation help and I also think you may have had too big of an idea for this short of a story. I felt like it needed more explanation, and that the explanations that are there are huge information dumps that were hard to process.

Put simply, I didn't get it, and a lot of that is on me because with all these big paragraphs of info, I ended up skimming. But they were big enough that

But I found even the first paragraph to be confusing -- I wasn't sure who was speaking at first.

It's not a bad story and has some good ideas, I just think they need to be related more clearly.
 
dhh37363 said:
My first story, well since high school I reckon, has been posted and I'd very much like to know what you think. About 6500 words, and no sex, just a little sci-fi story.

Yes, I know it's literotica, but I'm concentrating on the Lit part.

//www.literotica.com/s/balancing-the-equation

Many thanks.
Click to expand...

Hi, your link doesn't work, try this

http://www.literotica.com/s/balancing-the-equation

Your story is well-written and leads to a good climax. I like how you keep a lot vague and somewhat menacing.

On the other side, you need to tighten up your punctuation. Perhaps get an editor to review.

You have posted to the wrong category. The sci-fi & fantasy set expect a bit of body contact and you might not get much attention. Try Non-Erotic with an opening sentence introducing the story.

Personally, I really enjoyed it.
 
Something else I forgot to mention -- when Freddy starts to talk to Allgar, he sounds like a book. I realize he's giving exposition here, and that's fine, but he starts speaking in a way you don't expect. Formal and very correct, and I'm not sure that's how he would talk. I'm not saying you should duplicate regular speech with all of its pauses and filler words, but Freddy didn't seem the type to all of a sudden talk like a professor.
 
Thanks!

Thanks to everyone for taking time to read or reply.

Thanks especially for the constructive criticism concerning the story. I did try to find and editor, but I guess my appeal wasn't adequate or I just wasn't patient enough.

Over the years my writing has been limited to business purposes and technical analysis so hopefully a little practice and research (style guide for example) will knock off the hard edges.
 
dhh37363 said:
Thanks especially for the constructive criticism concerning the story. I did try to find and editor, but I guess my appeal wasn't adequate or I just wasn't patient enough.
Click to expand...

Use the editor forums, the inbuilt "database of volunteer editors" is broken.
 
litmlove said:
Use the editor forums, the inbuilt "database of volunteer editors" is broken.
Click to expand...

Non-responsive is more like it.

Many people have joined the programme, but a rare few are interested in editing someone else's work.

Hence, the Editor's Forum.
 
One of my stories, no sex has held a rating of 4.8 for two years,so don't believe everything you hear.

The comma thing is true. Also you need to identify who is speaking. The story might have caught my interest if you had started with the dire prediction. Many writers, especially novices, believe there is something to be gained by keeping secrets from their readers, I am not one of them. Let your story happen, don't hide important facts from your readers. Let your characters become themselves, by giving us physical descriptions and emotions, then let them go to develop by their actions/reactions to events. Kinda slow reading, otherwise, not bad.
 
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