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Feedback on my first incest story...

It's been a few days and I've only had one response in way of written feedback (thank you to those who've clicked the favorite story) and I would love some more. This story means a lot to me which is why I've removed the option to vote but left the comment section open. PLEASE! I would love honest feedback that is constructive. If the story is not your cup of tea write that. If you like the direction then write that. I know the title may have something to do with this which will change with the next chapter. If you've read the story please come back to this thread and let me know what you think...honestly! Thanks!!!!!
 
honestly, the story didn't do much for me. i don't like gay sex in my incest stories.
 
Gay isn't my thang so I don't score content with no appeal to me. But if I liked gay I'd score it tougher. That said, I don't like the opening. Golly wow expressions of joy aren't dramatic or problematic, theyre SOUND OF MUSIC lyrics.

Do this, after the SOUL MATE bit add BUT HIS DICK FELL OFF ONTO THE SIDEWALK.
 
I read some of it. It's okay. I have to say, it feels like this was a male/female story and then the name of the female character was changed to Jason. I'm not saying Jason was effeminate, but aside from a couple of references to Jason's dick, you could have made his name "Jane" and it wouldn't have changed anything.

Jason acts like a very typical romantic heroine -- in thrall to the bigger, aggressive man; "your mouth says yes but your body says no;" going along with things when he doesn't want to; etc.

Also at the start, there's the phrase "the boy next door," and while I realize it wasn't literal, it sure makes it read at first like they're neighbors, not brothers.

The writing itself was good, with few mechanical mistakes and that counts for a lot.

It is true, though, as great lover said, that people like incest don't necessarily like gay sex, so that may be a disadvantage to your story.
 
I agree with PennLady. And yes, this should be in GM not IT. I've included MM sex in a couple of my incest stories but as a sideline, not a main theme. There was a poll around here: What is the best (most popular) incest coupling?

1) mother-son; 2) sister-brother; 3) father-daughter; 4) mother-daughter; 5/6) father-son; sister-sister; 7) brother-brother​

As you see, brother-brother doesn't rank well. I've used sister-sister but with other fuckers involved too, so it's not only lesbian incest. As the major theme, same-sex seems to trump incest.
 
I read a page and scanned another page. Other than the revelation half way down the first page that they were brothers, I wasn't finding a storyline. The sex scenes were fine, but I wasn't finding a storyline, so my attention slowed and then disappeared. This was a three pager--I certainly wouldn't stick around for additional chapters of it. The writing was fine and the presentation was in the upper reaches of "good enough." If you didn't have a second reader, I'd suggest getting one for future stories. If you had an editor, the editor didn't do quite enough. Not enough "off" to intrude on the read for me, though.

I definitely would have put it in Gay Male, especially since you held the revelation that they were brothers for a while (which was good). That was really the only storyline pizzaz that raised above perfectly adequate sex scenes (but thereby nothing particularly special on an erotica writing site) for as far as I read. It would have had even more impact in GM without the statement up front by category that it would be incest.

I didn't have any trouble accepting them both as male.

You write fine. Suggest you drop in more storyline and movement sooner, though, and not think so much on stretching it out to a chaptered series. (In any event, you didn't mark this one as a first chapter--so lack of truth in setting it up for those not wanting to suck into a series that might just stop without being finished.)

P.S. I stopped reading, by the way, when I got to the brothers discussing doing dress-up as Harry Potter characters. I lost the vision of mature lovers at this point.
 
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Thank you!

sr71plt said:
I read a page and scanned another page. Other than the revelation half way down the first page that they were brothers, I wasn't finding a storyline. The sex scenes were fine, but I wasn't finding a storyline, so my attention slowed and then disappeared. This was a three pager--I certainly wouldn't stick around for additional chapters of it. The writing was fine and the presentation was in the upper reaches of "good enough." If you didn't have a second reader, I'd suggest getting one for future stories. If you had an editor, the editor didn't do quite enough. Not enough "off" to intrude on the read for me, though.

I definitely would have put it in Gay Male, especially since you held the revelation that they were brothers for a while (which was good). That was really the only storyline pizzaz that raised above perfectly adequate sex scenes (but thereby nothing particularly special on an erotica writing site) for as far as I read. It would have had even more impact in GM without the statement up front by category that it would be incest.

I didn't have any trouble accepting them both as male.

You write fine. Suggest you drop in more storyline and movement sooner, though, and not think so much on stretching it out to a chaptered series. (In any event, you didn't mark this one as a first chapter--so lack of truth in setting it up for those not wanting to suck into a series that might just stop without being finished.)

P.S. I stopped reading, by the way, when I got to the brothers discussing doing dress-up as Harry Potter characters. I lost the vision of mature lovers at this point.
Click to expand...


I appreciate the feedback you left. I should've stated earlier this chapter was part of a larger piece I'd written for another website. There's a much larger story I was unable to post do to restrictions for Literotica. I had to start from this chapter and work from there. I added snippets from the other two chapters I'd written throughout this chapter. My hope was for everyone to get a sense of what they'd gone through prior to this particular chapter. I forgot to mark this as chapter one in my haste to post this chapter. My intention was not to mislead the readers.

I know you personally were not fond of the Harry Potter section. I wrote that as a joke section for a laugh. I would love for you to go back and finish the rest of the story because more storyline is revealed.

Thanks again for writing your thoughts and opinions. I will apply what I can to the next chapter.
 
Thanks!

Hypoxia said:
I agree with PennLady. And yes, this should be in GM not IT. I've included MM sex in a couple of my incest stories but as a sideline, not a main theme. There was a poll around here: What is the best (most popular) incest coupling?

1) mother-son; 2) sister-brother; 3) father-daughter; 4) mother-daughter; 5/6) father-son; sister-sister; 7) brother-brother​

As you see, brother-brother doesn't rank well. I've used sister-sister but with other fuckers involved too, so it's not only lesbian incest. As the major theme, same-sex seems to trump incest.
Click to expand...

I was unsure of how to mark the story. I went back and forth of how I should and ultimately went with IT. I will change it for the next chapter.

Thanks for dropping in and letting me know what you think.
 
TrippyLuv said:
I would love for you to go back and finish the rest of the story because more storyline is revealed.
Click to expand...

Sorry, you don't often get that "do over" from a reader. The only answer to it is for you to grab the reader and keep the reader with you from the beginning, not for the reader to go looking for a storyline in a second go at it. Just the way it is. The onus is on the writer. Same with any hidden reasoning on why anything was done the way it was. Just my opinion, of course. (If you had said it was chapter one of something you were still writing, by the way, I wouldn't have looked at it at all.) You write well. Just suggest that you write actual stories--and show them as such, with action, not static toing and froing on the bed interminably, from the get go.
 
Thank you!

PennLady said:
I read some of it. It's okay. I have to say, it feels like this was a male/female story and then the name of the female character was changed to Jason. I'm not saying Jason was effeminate, but aside from a couple of references to Jason's dick, you could have made his name "Jane" and it wouldn't have changed anything.

Jason acts like a very typical romantic heroine -- in thrall to the bigger, aggressive man; "your mouth says yes but your body says no;" going along with things when he doesn't want to; etc.

Also at the start, there's the phrase "the boy next door," and while I realize it wasn't literal, it sure makes it read at first like they're neighbors, not brothers.

The writing itself was good, with few mechanical mistakes and that counts for a lot.

It is true, though, as great lover said, that people like incest don't necessarily like gay sex, so that may be a disadvantage to your story.
Click to expand...

Believe it or not this has always been a M/M brother story. This particular chapter is part of a larger storyline I was unable to post, so most of their qualities are lost making them both seem one way when they are not. I'll try to flesh out both characters for future chapters.

Thanks again!
 
JAMESBJOHNSON said:
Gay isn't my thang so I don't score content with no appeal to me. But if I liked gay I'd score it tougher. That said, I don't like the opening. Golly wow expressions of joy aren't dramatic or problematic, theyre SOUND OF MUSIC lyrics.

Do this, after the SOUL MATE bit add BUT HIS DICK FELL OFF ONTO THE SIDEWALK.
Click to expand...


I was unsure of the opening myself but went with it anyway. As for the soul mate, I'll save that for the next chapter.


Thanks!
 
You write well as far as it goes. The revelation that they are brothers is a well-timed surprise, and is indicative of what you are capable of doing. Your sex scenes are just okay. I read and write gay sex, but your scenes produced only about a 2 on my peter meter. Too much "Fuck me" not enough description. After 8,10, couplings, we still have no clue what either brother looks like. Is Mike's cock long and thin and pink? dark brown and wrinkled? fearsome? Awe inspiring, daunting? You tell us about a cock in the ass, but we do not see it. does the lining of his ass pucker out as Mike's dick pulls out, then slide back griping his tight shaft? Is his ass puckered and brown? surrounded by long black, thin blond, prickly red hair?, and so on. I see th femnine part, beecause one brother seems not to have a cock, the other's is only a sex toy.What does Mike's cock look like, What does it feel like going in? (I don't mean "good") sights, smells, sounds, tastes. Way too much quantity, not enough quality. Who are these people? Why do we care whether they fuck their dicks off?
 
Thank you!

robertreams said:
You write well as far as it goes. The revelation that they are brothers is a well-timed surprise, and is indicative of what you are capable of doing. Your sex scenes are just okay. I read and write gay sex, but your scenes produced only about a 2 on my peter meter. Too much "Fuck me" not enough description. After 8,10, couplings, we still have no clue what either brother looks like. Is Mike's cock long and thin and pink? dark brown and wrinkled? fearsome? Awe inspiring, daunting? You tell us about a cock in the ass, but we do not see it. does the lining of his ass pucker out as Mike's dick pulls out, then slide back griping his tight shaft? Is his ass puckered and brown? surrounded by long black, thin blond, prickly red hair?, and so on. I see th femnine part, beecause one brother seems not to have a cock, the other's is only a sex toy.What does Mike's cock look like, What does it feel like going in? (I don't mean "good") sights, smells, sounds, tastes. Way too much quantity, not enough quality. Who are these people? Why do we care whether they fuck their dicks off?
Click to expand...

Writing sex scenes are difficult for me but I'm trying to get pass those hang ups which are holding me back. I'll try to be more descriptive and visual for the next scenes I write. I'm actually in the process of writing a new scene now for another story and realized I was writing it almost in the same manner as this chapter with Mike & Jase, so your feedback has been tremendously helpful. I'll work out some of the other problems mentioned as to Jase's feminine qualities. It was not my intention for him to come off that way. Thanks again for letting me know what you thought of the story thus far.
 
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