Poetry Fun Corner

UnderYourSpell said:

Bravo but for a critique I would say the last 3 lines are superfluous, although I realise that's where your subject word is inserted

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Its there in line 21, so the ending is totally superfluous.

But most of my stuff is superfluffy to begin with.

Magnetron said:

I love women with huge cliches.

They are like extra inverted bellybuttons you can tickle.

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By the by as you name this man/machine Magnetron, are you implying you are indeed a sex machine?

Tod your new subject is 'what you would change about being a man'!
Magnetron your new subject is 'if I had a million dollars'!
Ange your new subject is 'changing the words of a well known song but not so much that it isn't recognisable'!
Butters your new subject is 'the drawbacks of making out in the open air'!

HarryHill said:

It's all changed since I was young
When a deft flip released all to tongue
hands eager to grasp the world
that turned unobserved, gave the French their shot
at holding what a woman's got
secured at the front with a clever clasp
full frontal freedom with a twist
hungry lips fed on buds of red
diligent boy on a quest who found
the easiest way to bare those beauties
long slow kisses, soft words and nips

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I was wondering what else could one's mind conjure with that line, Harry. I might attempt a short story with that as a title, just for kicks. It's a great line (I like how it sounds), and I also liked "diligent boy on a quest", it colors what you're describing by giving some information about who is actually on this quest.

butters said:

don't have a high horse
to dismount from
but i totter

on the brink of collapse
ignomy
and a plaster cast

down the catwalk of life
staring down at the ground from
my elevated perch

moon-face reflected
in burnished patent

feet martyred
immolation
and not one lotus blossom in sight

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Keeping myself from reading UYS' subject assignment, it was interesting to figure out what you were talking about. It isn't something you can immediately decipher (at least, it wasn't to me). I didn't understand the line about the lotus blossom, though... The only thing that came to my mind is the Lotus position, in which the feet are taken off the ground. Perhaps that's the idea — no rest for her feet in sight?

Remec said:

There once was a girl with titties so small
You'd not be far off to say none at all,
But her mosquito bites
fit the appetites,
Of the ass-man who lived down the hall.

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Nice. I don't normally care for rhymes, but in this case I think it added to the tone. I wouldn't have broken lines 3-4, though — I get it that you were probably going for the end line rhyme, but the rhyme would be there nonetheless (internal) and it just flows better (to me) by having everything on the same line. (Just imho, of course.)

champagne1982 said:

Dancing, Eeew Blech Blech

Well, yes. It's something
undefined (and truly disturbing)
that makes me dread the dance
floor below the stage
where the handsome crooner sings
a great cover and his lips
are the ones I want to hear
ask, "Open for me. Just
for a moment." That would be
magical and then I see
you hanging on to the faint
hope that I relent and at last
you'll get that mercy fuck.

Your hair falls in wisps
across your forehead
in a distinctly feminine
curl and your lips are too red,
too full, and far too wet
to tempt me to open, open for you.

Lift your sweaty palm up
to rest against my back, not
the curvy line of muscle
rounding out where ass meets
thigh. Oh God! Did you just
brush an erection against
my leg, insinuating
how wonderful it would be
(for you) if I would open,
and mercifully fuck you stupid?

Not tonight, not ever. I'll never
do your sister the date favour
never, ever, again.

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The first thing that caught my attention was the title, which sets the mood, and the narrator's impressions of her date throughout the poem. Very funny.

A second reading made me stop at the first stanza, where it's said: "it's something undefined (and truly disturbing) that makes me dread the dance floor below the stage". I notice that, from the first reading, this passage made me think of someone quite young, who at the same time wants the crooner to give her attention, but dreads exposing herself. It also fits with the overall tone of her descriptions.

Perhaps I'm reading it totally wrong (if so, excuse me), but I like the way you managed to create an image of this young woman without actually describing her.

todski28 said:

Blondes
those of fair haired persuasion
not normally my taste
but it seemed a waste of an evening to say no,
Her legs lithe, her sway light my sight drawn
from eye, to eye to lips,

drink in hand her tongue slides out
finds the straw, her lips close round
she stares into my eyes and swallows

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I wonder if any man truly filters women by hair color, when it comes to it. I like the last stanza. What a tease!

UnderYourSpell said:

By the by as you name this man/machine Magnetron, are you implying you are indeed a sex machine?

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Hardly.

In fact, that's my real name.

Hardly B. Boynken.

UnderYourSpell said:

Tod your new subject is 'what you would change about being a man'!
Magnetron your new subject is 'if I had a million dollars'!
Ange your new subject is 'changing the words of a well known song but not so much that it isn't recognisable'!
Butters your new subject is 'the drawbacks of making out in the open air'!

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Happy Birthday to you
Goddamn it's cold out here
and you in your birthday suit
Oy what a mishegoss for you.

OK Annie, I know you'll either inspire me or tip me over the edge into the abyss.

Magnetron said:

Hardly.

In fact, that's my real name.

Hardly B. Boynken.

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Damn!

Angeline said:

Happy Birthday to you
Goddamn it's cold out here
and you in your birthday suit
Oy what a mishegoss for you.

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I had to go Google mishegoss!!

Tristesse2 said:

OK Annie, I know you'll either inspire me or tip me over the edge into the abyss.

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Aha what can I find for you? Let me think ......... Oh yes your subject is including the line 'five oranges, two plums and an apple!

For the uninitiated Remec's poem is a Limerick which consists of 5 lines

UnderYourSpell said:

For the uninitiated Remec's poem is a Limerick which consists of 5 lines

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Thank you, I didn't know that.

UnderYourSpell said:

I had to go Google mishegoss!!

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That may be the worst poem I ever wrote. But everyone knows that song.


(A mishegoss is like a clusterfuck, only in Yiddish.)

8:48
..
Up before the crack of dawn
held firmly by a hand that wasn't mine
and so my day began with a gentle jerk and whisper
'Mister, mister, are you awake?

A smile into closed eyes
a sigh that told my state
a giggle from close beside
'The coffee's on to make'

One eye opened, turned across the bed
watched a disappearing head
move under the duvet,
breakfast before coffee

9:22

Tsotha said:

Thank you, I didn't know that.

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Would you like a subject? I will be kind (at first anyway!!)

Angeline said:

That may be the worst poem I ever wrote. But everyone knows that song.


(A mishegoss is like a clusterfuck, only in Yiddish.)

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That is NOT what Google said lololol!!!

HarryHill said:

8:48
..
Up before the crack of dawn
held firmly by a hand that wasn't mine
and so my day began with a gentle jerk and whisper
'Mister, mister, are you awake?

A smile into closed eyes
a sigh that told my state
a giggle from close beside
'The coffee's on to make'

One eye opened, turned across the bed
watched a disappearing head
move under the duvet,
breakfast before coffee

9:22

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Oh I say!!!!!!! Is that what I think it is?

I regret nothing about being a man
wouldn't change a thing in the genetic plan
unless I must confess and truth be told
thoughts of sex come to mind,

her cries when taken from behind
passionate screams always
seems she is enjoying
more than me
a touch of jealousy when she cums
then moments later cums again,
waves, ripples, pools, eddies,
thrashing, soft, so many ways
so many times, it blows my mind,
I'm stuck with one default setting,
of surge, purge and release,
she even takes pleasure in this,
gift of scattered seed,

hot wet and warm on her curvaceous form
little ones that make her sigh,
clitty ones that leave her high nothing dry
tortured pleasure,
g-spot, a-spot, blended, squirting

having those ripples run across my flesh
feeling it, watching on as I participate
in what we create but my experience
only from the outer, and what I feel
she does from the inner.

those moments when control is gone
her body is slave to orgasmic rage
that runs rampant through her and over me,
eyes glazed in that haze of lust, or bliss, or I don't even know
but damn it shows when tears roll down her cheeks
as she in stuttering fits cries at the intensity
of what has happened down there
as Goosebumps raise upon her bodies surface
f I could bottle this and use it
or experience it for myself,
but I guess that I have
enough wealth of knowledge to
watch on in lust and know
that after the show is done
it'll be my turn to have
just one.

UnderYourSpell said:

Would you like a subject? I will be kind (at first anyway!!)

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Sure!

Hit me... gently. I'm wearing glasses.

HarryHill said:

8:48
..
Up before the crack of dawn
held firmly by a hand that wasn't mine
and so my day began with a gentle jerk and whisper
'Mister, mister, are you awake?

A smile into closed eyes
a sigh that told my state
a giggle from close beside
'The coffee's on to make'

One eye opened, turned across the bed
watched a disappearing head
move under the duvet,
breakfast before coffee

9:22

Click to expand...

morning, mister

todski28 said:

I regret nothing about being a man
wouldn't change a thing in the genetic plan
unless I must confess and truth be told
thoughts of sex come to mind,

her cries when taken from behind
passionate screams always
seems she is enjoying
more than me
a touch of jealousy when she cums
then moments later cums again,
waves, ripples, pools, eddies,
thrashing, soft, so many ways
so many times, it blows my mind,
I'm stuck with one default setting,
of surge, purge and release,
she even takes pleasure in this,
gift of scattered seed,

hot wet and warm on her curvaceous form
little ones that make her sigh,
clitty ones that leave her high nothing dry
tortured pleasure,
g-spot, a-spot, blended, squirting

having those ripples run across my flesh
feeling it, watching on as I participate
in what we create but my experience
only from the outer, and what I feel
she does from the inner.

those moments when control is gone
her body is slave to orgasmic rage
that runs rampant through her and over me,
eyes glazed in that haze of lust, or bliss, or I don't even know
but damn it shows when tears roll down her cheeks
as she in stuttering fits cries at the intensity
of what has happened down there
as Goosebumps raise upon her bodies surface
f I could bottle this and use it
or experience it for myself,
but I guess that I have
enough wealth of knowledge to
watch on in lust and know
that after the show is done
it'll be my turn to have
just one.

Click to expand...

turns teh phrase 'penis envy' around on its .. erm, head. strong writing, as always, tods

Tsotha said:

Keeping myself from reading UYS' subject assignment, it was interesting to figure out what you were talking about. It isn't something you can immediately decipher (at least, it wasn't to me). I didn't understand the line about the lotus blossom, though... The only thing that came to my mind is the Lotus position, in which the feet are taken off the ground. Perhaps that's the idea — no rest for her feet in sight?

Click to expand...

ah, the lotus blossom thing's a reference to the deliberate deformation of a woman's foot (chinese?) to render it small, more attractive and said to resemble a lotus blossom. painful and dreadful. here it served as a reminder that we're not forced to wear high-heels but do it to ourselves (or did), despite the pain and misshaping they can cause, and all because we think they look nice.

UnderYourSpell said:

<snip>
.
Champ your subject is 'Your favourite dog or breed of dog'
.
<snip>

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Words On A Favourite

Your dark fur
a sleek silk guide
leads palm to slide
over muscled flank
nearly painfully narrow
after barrel-chest
supported by long spine
that continues to form
the rudder you power
through the lake.
Like an otter
your ears short
and slightly floppy.
Like a beaver
your shape engineered
by nature to perform
in the other, more
liquid surface.
Like a horse
your movements fluid
as your long feathers
flow behind your run
a flag flown by speed
of passage.
Like a cat
you pounce on the warm
fresh kill and carry
the meat gently -
Like the retriever you are
back to your master.

Ahggg! You guys are way too spontaneous for me to keep up! I haven't even come with an idea for my second challenge.

I read through this thread and enjoyed all of the efforts so much everyone! Tsotha, I'm so glad you took the time to try to puzzle out my subject. Your interpretation, while different than the one I meant to pass on, wasn't incorrect at all. I am kind of tickled that you peeled back a layer that I hadn't purposefully included, to find a different girl than the one I envisioned when I was writing it. Very cool.

Annie, while -10C is cold enough to freeze bare flesh and feels uncomfortable, (especially when you live in a damp climate) I don't think a healthy person would suffer from frostbite unless it's a steady exposure for an extended period of time.

Tsotha said:

Sure!

Hit me... gently. I'm wearing glasses.

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Tsotha your subject is 'the apple that falls from the tree' .......... this could open up all sorts of Metaphors/Similes or literally an overripe apple

Adding a new rule ............ If you can't write to the subject given, you can ask for another but you can't do that again until you've written 3 from the next 3 given subjects !

todski28 said:

I regret nothing about being a man
wouldn't change a thing in the genetic plan
unless I must confess and truth be told
thoughts of sex come to mind,

her cries when taken from behind
passionate screams always
seems she is enjoying
more than me
a touch of jealousy when she cums
then moments later cums again,
waves, ripples, pools, eddies,
thrashing, soft, so many ways
so many times, it blows my mind,
I'm stuck with one default setting,
of surge, purge and release,
she even takes pleasure in this,
gift of scattered seed,

hot wet and warm on her curvaceous form
little ones that make her sigh,
clitty ones that leave her high nothing dry
tortured pleasure,
g-spot, a-spot, blended, squirting

having those ripples run across my flesh
feeling it, watching on as I participate
in what we create but my experience
only from the outer, and what I feel
she does from the inner.

those moments when control is gone
her body is slave to orgasmic rage
that runs rampant through her and over me,
eyes glazed in that haze of lust, or bliss, or I don't even know
but damn it shows when tears roll down her cheeks
as she in stuttering fits cries at the intensity
of what has happened down there
as Goosebumps raise upon her bodies surface
f I could bottle this and use it
or experience it for myself,
but I guess that I have
enough wealth of knowledge to
watch on in lust and know
that after the show is done
it'll be my turn to have
just one.

Click to expand...

Aha the multiple orgasms! Yes you're right they are wonderful The build is almost the best part before the crescendo hits ........ and hits ........... and hits again