Humor Thread

Drug Dealer?

My brother delivered prescriptions to people too ill to go out. Since the neighborhoods he visited were often unsafe, he decided to get some protection.

"Why do you need a pistol?" asked the clerk at the gun shop.

My brother had to explain, "I deliver drugs at night and carry a lot of money."

Two buddies were hunting in the woods when one was bit on the ass by a rattlesnake. "Quick, call someone," he cries.

His buddy runs up the closest hill for better cell phone reception, calls emergency services and explains the problem. He's told the first thing he has to do is suck out the venom. With a grim face, he returns to buddy and announces, "Sorry dude, they say you're gonna die."

My girlfriend takes sex far too seriously.

I was shagging her from behind the other night and so started slapping her on the arse screaming:
"Who's your daddy, who's your daddy!"

"F**k off," she snapped, "You know who our daddy is."

Marriage Quotes By Men

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!' 'What happened?' asked the friend. 'My wife found out..'


Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, 'Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!' Martha replies, 'Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?' The man responds, 'I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!'

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

Men Should Listen

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!!"

The man immediately leans out his window and replies, "BITCH!!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

Doo Wop Test

This was sent to me. Take the test. Answers on the next post.

Don't cheat, now!

1. When did ''Little Suzie'' finally wake up?
(a) The movie's over, it's 2 o'clock
(b) The movie's over, it's 3 o'clock
(c) The movie's over, it's 4 o'clock

2. ''Rock Around The Clock'' was used in what movie?
(a) Rebel Without A Cause
(b) Blackboard Jungle
(c) The Wild Ones

3. What's missing from a Rock & Roll standpoint? Earth _____
(a) Angel
(b) Mother
(c) Worm

4. ''I found my thrill .. . .'' where?
(a) Kansas City
(b) Heartbreak Hotel
(c) Blueberry Hill

5. ''Please turn on your magic beam, _____ _____ bring me a dream,'':
(a) Mr. Sandman
(b) Earth Angel
(c) Dream Lover

6. For which label did Elvis Presley first record?
(a) Atlantic
(b) RCA
(c) Sun

7. He asked, ''Why's everybody always pickin' on me?'' Who was he?
(a) Bad, Bad Leroy Brown
(b) Charlie Brown
(c) Buster Brown

8. In Bobby Darin's ''Mack The Knife,'' the one with the knife, was named:
(a) MacHeath
(b) MacCloud
(c) MacNamara

9. Name the song with ''A-wop bop a-loo bop a-lop bam boom.''
(a) Good Golly, Miss Molly
(b) Be-Bop-A-Lula
(c) Tutti Fruitti

10. Who is generally given credit for originating the term ''Rock And Roll''?
(a) Dick Clark
(b) Wolfman Jack
(c) Alan Freed
11. In 1957, he left the music business to become a preacher:
(a) Little Richard
(b) Frankie Lymon
(c) Tony Orlando

12. Paul Anka's ''Puppy Love'' is written to what star?
(a) Brenda Lee
(b) Connie Francis
(c) Annette Funicello

13. The Everly Brothers were . . ....
(a) Pete and Dick
(b) Don and Phil
(c) Bob and Bill

14. The Big Bopper's real name was:
(a) Jiles P. Richardson
(b) Roy Harold Scherer Jr.
(c) Marion Michael Morrison

15. In 1959, Berry Gordy, Jr.., started a small record company called...
(a) Decca
(b) Cameo
(c) Motown

16. Edd Brynes had a hit with ''Kookie, Kookie, Lend Me Your Comb''. What TV show was he on?
(a) 77 Sunset Strip
(b) Hawaiian Eye
(c) Surfside Six

17. In 1960 Bobby Darin married:
(a) Carol Lynley
(b) Sandra Dee
(c) Natalie Wood

18.. They were a one hit wonder with ''Book Of Love'':
(a) The Penguins
(b) The Monotones
(c) The Moonglows

19.. The Everly Brothers sang a song called ''Till I ______ You.''
(a) Loved
(b) Kissed
(c) Met

20. Chuck Berry sang ''Oh, ___________, why can't you be true?''
(a) Suzie Q
(b) Peggy Sue
(c) Maybelline


21. ''Wooly _______''
(a) Mammouth
(b) Bully
(c) Pully

22. ''I'm like a one-eyed cat . . . ."
(a) can't go into town no more
(b) sleepin' on a cold hard floor
(c) peepin' in a seafood store

23. ''Sometimes I wonder what I'm gonna do . . . . ..''
(a) cause there ain't no answer for a life without booze
(b) cause there ain't no cure for the summertime blues
(c) cause my car's gassed up and I'm ready to cruise

24.. ''They often call me Speedo, but my real name is ... .. . . . .''
(a) Mr. Earl
(b) Jackie Pearl
(c) Milton Berle

25. ''You're my Fanny and nobody else's ......''
(a) girl
(b) butt
(c) love

26. ''I want you to play with my . . . ''
(a) heart
(b) dreams
(c) ding a ling

27. ''Be Bop A Lula ....''
(a) she's got the rabies
(b) she's my baby.
(c) she loves me, maybe

28. ''Fine Love, Fine Kissing ....''
(a) right here
(b) fifty cents
(c) just for you

29. ''He wore black denim trousers and . . ...''
(a) a pink carnation
(b) pink leotards
(c) motorcycle boots

30. ''I got a gal named . ... ...''
(a) Jenny Zamboni
(b) Gerri Mahoney
(c) Boney Maroney

Doo Wop Answers

Answers:

* * * * * * * * * * * *
1 (c) The movie's over, it's 4 o'clock
2. (b) Blackboard Jungle
3. (a) Angel
4. (c) Blueberry Hill
5. (a) Mr. Sandman
6. (c) Sun
7. (b) Charlie Brown
8. (a) Mac Heath
9. (c) Tutti Fruitti
10. (c) Alan Freed
11. (a) Little Richard
12.. (c) Ann ette Funicello
13. (b) Don and Phil
14. (a) Jiles P. Richardson
15. (c) Motown
16. (a) 77 Sunset Strip
17. (b) Sandra Dee
18. (b) The Monotones
19. (b) Kissed
20. (c) Maybelline
21. (b) Bully
22. (c) peepin' in a sea food store
23. (b) cause there ain't no cure for the summertime blues
24. (a) Mr. Earl
25. (b) butt
26. (c) ding a ling
27. (b) she's my baby
28. (a) right here
29. (c) motorcycle boots
30. (c) Boney Maroney

Let us know how you did. I pretty old so I only missed three.

DG Hear said:

Answers:

* * * * * * * * * * * *
1 (c) The movie's over, it's 4 o'clock
2. (b) Blackboard Jungle
3. (a) Angel
4. (c) Blueberry Hill
5. (a) Mr. Sandman
6. (c) Sun
7. (b) Charlie Brown
8. (a) Mac Heath
9. (c) Tutti Fruitti
10. (c) Alan Freed
11. (a) Little Richard
12.. (c) Ann ette Funicello
13. (b) Don and Phil
14. (a) Jiles P. Richardson
15. (c) Motown
16. (a) 77 Sunset Strip
17. (b) Sandra Dee
18. (b) The Monotones
19. (b) Kissed
20. (c) Maybelline
21. (b) Bully
22. (c) peepin' in a sea food store
23. (b) cause there ain't no cure for the summertime blues
24. (a) Mr. Earl
25. (b) butt
26. (c) ding a ling
27. (b) she's my baby
28. (a) right here
29. (c) motorcycle boots
30. (c) Boney Maroney

Let us know how you did. I pretty old so I only missed three.

Click to expand...

I missed those 2. But, to be fair, I used to deejay and had all those facts at my fingertips.

I knew most of them without seeing the choices. Some of them I didn't know at all and some I guessed at.

I was not aware the subject of "Mack the Knife" was ever identified by last name. In some places, I thought he was referred to as "Mackie" but that must have been when he was called MacHeath. The words were hard to understand anyhow.

Boxlicker101 said:

I knew most of them without seeing the choices. Some of them I didn't know at all and some I guessed at.

I was not aware the subject of "Mack the Knife" was ever identified by last name. In some places, I thought he was referred to as "Mackie" but that must have been when he was called MacHeath. The words were hard to understand anyhow.

Click to expand...

Mac the Knife comes from John Gay's 1728 The Beggar's Opera. In that he was MacHeath.

The Beggar's Opera inspired Kurt Weil and Bertrold Brecht's 1928 The Threepenny Opera which featured Mack The Knife.


Und der Haifisch, der hat Zähne,
Und die trägt er im Gesicht.
Und Macheath, der hat ein Messer,
Doch das Messer sieht man nicht.



And the shark, it has teeth,
And it wears them in its face.
And Macheath, he has a knife,
But the knife one doesn't see.

oggbashan said:

Mac the Knife comes from John Gay's 1728 The Beggar's Opera. In that he was MacHeath.

The Beggar's Opera inspired Kurt Weil and Bertrold Brecht's 1928 The Threepenny Opera which featured Mack The Knife.


Und der Haifisch, der hat Zähne,
Und die trägt er im Gesicht.
Und Macheath, der hat ein Messer,
Doch das Messer sieht man nicht.



And the shark, it has teeth,
And it wears them in its face.
And Macheath, he has a knife,
But the knife one doesn't see.

Click to expand...

You mean this one ?

Handley_Page said:

You mean this one ?

Click to expand...

No, this one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_QXJ3OXWaOY

But I do prefer Lotte Lenya's voice.

Here is Ella Fitzgerald, but this is not the first recording she made:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hRyDB4RWJdw&feature=related

Her first recording was made live, and she didn't know the words, and had to wing it. Someone as talented as she was could get away with that.

"Lotte Lenya" is included in the words of some versions.

Handley_Page said:

You mean this one ?

Click to expand...

Since this is the Humor Thread, how about this parody.

They are better known for This.

oggbashan said:

Since this is the Humor Thread, how about this parody.

They are better known for This.

Click to expand...

Thanks for the introduction, Og; I never met FA.

This put a smile on my face..
http://www.metacafe.com/watch/5103700/erotic_exam_naked_and_funny_5159/

I'm getting it! FA

Mac the Knife circa 1956

And it's not in German!

JackLuis said:

I'm getting it! FA

Mac the Knife circa 1956

And it's not in German!

Click to expand...

I think Bobby Darin did my favorite version of Mack. Here's the Ella Fitzgerald version I mentioned earlier. This is the one where she didn't know the words:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vh3zLIfXhus&feature=watch_response

Fascinating Aida get Modern?

Misheard lyrics

Since you all seem to be music lovers i thought i would add some misheard lyrics for you all:

O Fortuna when translations goes very wrong.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nIwrgAnx6Q8&feature=youtu.be

xelliebabex said:

Since you all seem to be music lovers i thought i would add some misheard lyrics for you all:

O Fortuna when translations goes very wrong.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nIwrgAnx6Q8&feature=youtu.be

Click to expand...

I ain't keen on the cartoon style, but the words are ace !

A demo waterbed

NOW THIS IS FUNNY!
DG

A water Bed in a German furniture store. Note that the sign says NOT to get on the bed, but oh well..the best way to motivate people to do something is to put up a sign saying

"Don't........!"


Turn on speakers and watch people trying out the water bed.


It's in German, but that only makes it funnier.

Watch for the last two ladies !



http://www.youtube.com/embed/9wm-Ge8LL7o?rel=0

DG Hear said:

A demo waterbed

NOW THIS IS FUNNY!
DG

A water Bed in a German furniture store. Note that the sign says NOT to get on the bed, but oh well..the best way to motivate people to do something is to put up a sign saying

"Don't........!"


Turn on speakers and watch people trying out the water bed.


It's in German, but that only makes it funnier.

Watch for the last two ladies !



http://www.youtube.com/embed/9wm-Ge8LL7o?rel=0

Click to expand...

There's no sign with 'don't' on it, just a sign that you should remove 'sharp items' like mobile phones (!). The bed has the name 'you'll fall into water' though

Tarakin said:

There's no sign with 'don't' on it, just a sign that you should remove 'sharp items' like mobile phones (!). The bed has the name 'you'll fall into water' though

Click to expand...

Thanks! I don't read German and it was sent to me. Still pretty funny.
DG

Equine smut.