Humor Thread

Ghetto Test


If the statement is true add the points in parenthesis to your score.

Scoring is given at the bottom of the test.

1. You've ever used an album cover or old envelope for a dustpan. (5 points)

2. You've ever put foil on your TV antennas to get better reception. (8 points)

3. You've ever had to use pliers to turn your TV on. (7points)

4. You had to come in the house when the street lights came on. (6 points)

5. You had a candy lady in your neighbourhood. (5 + 5 extra points if your house was the candy lady)

6. If you can count more than five police cars in your neighbourhood on a daily basis. (3 points)

7. If you ever had to pick your own switch or belt. (3 points for each)

8. If you've ever been beaten with an extension cord. (15 points)

9. If you have ever had to walk to or home from school. (2 points)

10. If you've ever passed someone a note asking "Do you like me?" or "Can I have a chance?" check _yes, _no or _maybe. (7 points)

11. If you have ever used dish washing liquid for bubble bath. (9points)

12. If you have ever mixed up some Kool-Aid and the found that you didn't have any sugar. (4 points & add 4 if you put the pitcher in the refrigerator until you got some sugar)

13. If you have ever played any of the following games. (2 points each): (hide and go seek, freeze tag, captain or momma may I?, or red light..yellow light..green light 123!)

14. If your neighborhood had an ice cream man. (2 points + 2 if he rang a bell + 5 if he played R&B)

15. If you remember any of the following candies. (1 point each): cherry clans, lemon heads, Alexander the grape, ring pops, Chico sticks, baked beans, candy cigarettes, powder packs with the white dip stick, big league chew, "Wine" Candy (jolly ranchers), jaw breakers, and candy necklaces.

16. If you refer to Now and Laters candies as "Nighladers". (6 points)

17. If you've ever ran from the police on foot. (5 points + 5 if you got away)

18. If you remember underoos or the Wonder Woman bra and panty set. (6 points + 4 if you owned some)

19. If you've ever had reusable grease in a container on your stove. (5 points)

20. The batteries in your remote control are held in by a piece of tape. (5 points)

21. If you've ever used any of the following for drinking glasses. (3 points each): jelly jars, mayonnaise jars, mason jars, or peanut butter jars.

22. You've ever covered your furniture in plastic. (2 points)

23. The heels of your feet have ever looked like you had been kicking flour. (1point)

24. If you have ever worn any of the following fragrances. (1 point each): Brute, Hai Karate, Jean Nate, Old Spice, Chloe, English Leather, Stetson, Charlie, or Faberge'.

25. You've ever used Tussy. (9 points)

26. You've never been to the dentist. (10 points + 10 if you've never been to the doctor.)

27. You've ever wore clothes with the tag still on them. (4 points)

28. If you're acquainted with someone with a name as follows. (3 points): Kay-Kay, Lee-Lee, Ree-Ree, Ray-Ray, etc.

29. You have ever paged yourself for any reason. (3 points)

30. You've ever worn house shoes outside of the house. (2 points)

31. You add "ED" or "T" to the end of words already in the past tense (for example, Tooked, Light-Skinneded, kilt, ruint, etc). (3 points)

32. You pronounce words like this (1 point for each example you can think of skrimps or strimps, skreet, axe (ask), member (remember), frigerator, etc.

33. You use nem' to describe a certain group of people (for example Craig and nem' or momma and nem'). (6 points)

34. You've ever had a crack across your windshield and never bothered to get it fixed. (3 points)

35. You've ever driven on a donut more than 2 weeks after your flat. (4 points)

36. You've ever asked a perfect stranger to take a picture with you and told your friends it was someone you dated. (3 points)

37. Your child drops his/her pacifier and you sanitize it by sucking it. (7 points)

38. If you've ever ran a race barefoot in the middle of the street at approximately 11 at night. (10 points)

39. You've ever left a social gathering with a plate. (1 point)

40. You leave a restaurant with silverware, sugar, and/or jelly. (8 points)

41. You think "red" is a flavor of Kool-Aid. (4 points)

42. You can't hold a glass because of the length of your nails. (3 points)

43. The gold teeth in your mouth spell words. (8 points)

44. You don't have your own place but your child has a leather coat and a pair of Jordan's. (5 points)

45. If you've ever had to get to the driver's side of the car through the passenger side door. (8 points)

46. You have ever slept in a chair to avoid messing up your hair. (7 points)

47. You constantly hit *69 and ask, "Did you just call here?" (10 points)

48. You won't answer the phone if you don't recognize the number on the caller id box. (7 points)

49. You know a child who can't speak, but can do the "bank-head bounce." (15 points)

50. You think Tupac is still alive. (20 points)

Scoring

0 - 30 - You have enjoyed a nice sheltered life in the suburbs.

31 - 60 - Hood movies have given you a little exposure.

61 - 100 - You may have visited the hood a few times or on weekends.

101 - 130 - You probably spent a few years in the hood, and moved to the suburbs.

131 - 160 - You're the genuine article. You are no stranger to hood life.

161 - 200 - You are definitely, without a doubt an expert on life in the hood.

201+ - Congratulations! You are Ghetto Fabulous!

"Golden, Ripe, Boneless Bananas, 39 Cents A Pound." -
Ad in the "Missoulian" by Orange Street Food Farm

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl.

The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic. Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?"

Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think Ill have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes.

When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But youre so old... how do you do it?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, its quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck em dry!"

A woman went to a hairdresser to get her hair specially styled for a trip she and her husband were taking to Rome.

‘Rome?’ the hairdresser said. ‘Why would anyone want to go there? It's dirty and it’s crowded. You're crazy to go to Rome. There are lots of better places to go than Rome. How are you getting there?’

‘We're flying Continental,’ the woman said. ‘We got a really good deal.’

‘Continental?’ the hairdresser said. ‘That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're never on time. Where are you staying?’

‘We’re booked into this exclusive little place near the Tiber. I think it’s called Teste.’

‘Oh, that place. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's actually a total dump.’

Undeterred, the woman said that she and her husband were really looking forward to seeing the Vatican and maybe even seeing the Pope.

The hairdresser just laughed. ‘That's rich. You and a million other people. Even if you do catch a glimpse of him, he'll look the size of an ant.’

A month later, the woman was back at the hairdresser’s.

‘So … how was your trip to Rome?’ the hairdresser asked.

‘It was wonderful,’ the woman said. ‘Not only were we on one of Continental's brand new planes, but they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine was just wonderful. And I had a handsome 28-year-old steward waiting on me hand and foot.

‘The hotel was great, too. They'd just finished a $5 million renovation job, and now it's an absolute jewel, the finest hotel in the city. What’s more, because they were a bit overbooked, they gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge.’

There was no disguising the hairdresser’s disappointment. ‘Oh,’ she said. ‘Still, I guess you didn't get to see the Pope, right?’

‘Actually, we were very lucky,’ the woman said. ‘As we were walking around St Peter’s, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and said that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors personally. The Swiss Guard said that if we’d just follow him to one of the private rooms, the Pope would be along shortly. And, sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door, shook our hands, and actually spoke to me.’

‘Really?’ the hairdresser said. ‘What did he say?

‘He asked who had made such a fucking mess of my hair?’

SamScribble said:

A woman went to a hairdresser to get her hair specially styled for a trip she and her husband were taking to Rome.

‘Rome?’ the hairdresser said. ‘Why would anyone want to go there? It's dirty and it’s crowded. You're crazy to go to Rome. There are lots of better places to go than Rome. How are you getting there?’

‘We're flying Continental,’ the woman said. ‘We got a really good deal.’

‘Continental?’ the hairdresser said. ‘That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're never on time. Where are you staying?’

‘We’re booked into this exclusive little place near the Tiber. I think it’s called Teste.’

‘Oh, that place. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's actually a total dump.’

Undeterred, the woman said that she and her husband were really looking forward to seeing the Vatican and maybe even seeing the Pope.

The hairdresser just laughed. ‘That's rich. You and a million other people. Even if you do catch a glimpse of him, he'll look the size of an ant.’

A month later, the woman was back at the hairdresser’s.

‘So … how was your trip to Rome?’ the hairdresser asked.

‘It was wonderful,’ the woman said. ‘Not only were we on one of Continental's brand new planes, but they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine was just wonderful. And I had a handsome 28-year-old steward waiting on me hand and foot.

‘The hotel was great, too. They'd just finished a $5 million renovation job, and now it's an absolute jewel, the finest hotel in the city. What’s more, because they were a bit overbooked, they gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge.’

There was no disguising the hairdresser’s disappointment. ‘Oh,’ she said. ‘Still, I guess you didn't get to see the Pope, right?’

‘Actually, we were very lucky,’ the woman said. ‘As we were walking around St Peter’s, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and said that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors personally. The Swiss Guard said that if we’d just follow him to one of the private rooms, the Pope would be along shortly. And, sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door, shook our hands, and actually spoke to me.’

‘Really?’ the hairdresser said. ‘What did he say?

‘He asked who had made such a fucking mess of my hair?’

Click to expand...

I love it !!!

Haidressers can be so annoying at times

A Muslim kid can't find his Mum in the supermarket.

The store attendant says, 'What does your Mum look like?'

The kid says, 'Damned if I know

If you don't know GOD, don't make stupid remarks.
A United States Marine was attending some college courses between
assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan . One of the
courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist, and a member of the ACLU.
One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked
to the ceiling and flatly stated, "GOD if you are real then I want you to
knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes." The lecture
room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the
professor proclaimed, "Here I am GOD, I'm still waiting."
It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of
his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him, knocking him off
the platform. The professor was out cold. The Marine went back to his seat
and sat there, silently.
The other students were shocked and stunned, and sat there looking
on in silence.
The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the
Marine and asked, "What in the world is the matter with you?" "Why did you
do that?"
The Marine calmly replied, "GOD was too busy today protecting
America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act
like an idiot. So, He sent me."
The classroom erupted in cheers!

THE BLONDE AND THE LORD

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject,
and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the
ice.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular
cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."


Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of
cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens
the voice bellowed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."


The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of
the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.

The voice came once more,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."


She stopped, looked skyward, and said,
"IS THAT YOU LORD?"

The voice replied,

"No, this is the manager of the hockey rink."

What did the vulcano say to the mountain ?

"I lava you."

SweetMaj said:

What did the vulcano say to the mountain ?

"I lava you."

Click to expand...

I lava you too!!! LOL
DG

DG Hear said:

I lava you too!!! LOL
DG

Click to expand...

Thank you, DG.

Singing in Church

About those Church Hymns
A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.


He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach.


Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind."
The pastor shouted out "CROSS."
Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "THE OLD RUGGED CROSS."

The

pastor hollered out "GRACE." The congregation began to sing "AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound."

The pastor said "POWER." The congregation sang "THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD."

The Pastor said "SEX" The congregation fell into total silence.

Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything.

Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing "PRECIOUS MEMORIES."

DG Hear said:

A Muslim kid can't find his Mum in the supermarket.

The store attendant says, 'What does your Mum look like?'

The kid says, 'Damned if I know

Click to expand...

That got a giggle out of me. Poor kid!

A lion wouldn't cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood.

The Jews Sank the Titanic

A plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish captain.
His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an
awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the
auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, "I don't like Chinese."

"No rike Chinese?" asks the copilot, "why not?"

"You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!"

"No, no," the co-pilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah. That
Japanese, not Chinese."

"Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese... doesn't matter, you're all alike."

There's a few minutes of silence....

"I no rike Jews" the copilot suddenly announces.

"Oh yeah, why not?" asks the captain.

"Jews sink Titanic" says the co-pilot.

"What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the
captain, "It was an iceberg."

"Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, no mattah... all same."

How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Blondes don't screw in light bulbs. They screw in Jacuzzis

A guy walked into the doctors surgery for an appointment. "Would you like to tell me your problem?" the pretty blonde receptionist asked. "Ill need the information for the doctor."

"Its rather embarrassing" the guy stammered. "You see, I have a very large and almost constant erection."

"Well, the doctor is very busy today" the receptionist cooed, "but maybe I can squeeze you in."

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

You know I love you, sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"No Kidding," he said. "Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?"

DG Hear said:

A Male Fairy Tale:

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, “Will you marry me?”

The Princess said, “NO!” And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and banged skinny big titted broads and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was fuckin cool as hell and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.


The end

Click to expand...

This made me laugh.

You have only got two comma's in it, I love the flow !!!

Fred's convertible glided to a halt on the edge of a lonely country road

"I suppose," said his pretty but reluctant date, "you're going to pull the
old 'out of gas' routine."

"No," said Fred, "I'm going to pull the 'here after' routine."

"The 'here after' routine? What's that?" she asked.

He answered, "If you're not here after what I'm here after, you'll be here
after I'm not here."

Got this from a friend. Most of my humor comes from friends who send it to me.
DG


An English Lesson

No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words COMPLETE and FINISHED, in a way that's easy to understand. Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED. I beg to differ because there is :


When you marry the right woman, you are "COMPLETE"..

And when you marry the wrong one, you are "FINISHED"!

And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ...
"COMPLETELY FINISHED" !!

FORGOT MY GLASSES....

Yesterday my daughter asked why I didn't do something useful with my time. She suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys. I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a parachute club.


She said "Are you nuts? You're almost 70 years old and you're going to start Jumping out of airplanes?"

I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

She said to me, "For heaven's sake, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"

I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do! I signed up for five jumps a week!

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier.

Why dont women blink during foreplay?
They dont have time.


Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
She knows shes given her last blow job.


Q: What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the same as intercourse? A: Talk...


Whats organic dental floss?
Pubic hair!

There once was a pervert named Weiner
Who had a perverted demeanor.
Forced from the Hill
For acting like Bill
Now Congress is one weiner leaner.