The More than a blurt thread, prose, poetry and manic tirades

Hey Babe Just stopping by to say hi. Seems like forever since we chatted. Hope all is relatively well with you.

MagicaPractica said:

Hey Babe Just stopping by to say hi. Seems like forever since we chatted. Hope all is relatively well with you.

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Magica! better today, lol...yesterday had me assessing my life...eep! tch...tch....messy...soooo messy. So that led to despair and angst.......the big picture is not that of optimism....sigh...so I will cling to the shreds of happiness and denial to cope.....the dream, I must stay true to the dream.

Oh how I want more, I want more than this empty life,
it is empty because I have not a lover...I am a half of something
that may not exist. Who wants to be bound to a freak?
a Mismatched emotional wreck yearning for completion?
a womans brain in a mans body, what cosmic joke is this?
slowly the hormones do their work, and antiandrogens
block the maleness, I cry, I yearn, I hate my body
I long to express myself, I must hide my changes
my family abhors me, delusional they say.
My make up I put away, to be used again in my day.
Mild and timid I seek my way, my inner self I'll not betray

I must bury my past
Experience to ash,
burning the mask.
to allow seed to grow
my innate self to know
ego cast aside
universe open wide

My dream took me to a place, I was looking for a place to sleep...it was a flop house used by transexual prostitutes plying their trade on the cruise ships at Port Canaveral, it was quiet, the sun, bright, lit the interior filled with old dark worn furniture, fabrics shoddy from life, somehow it was acceptable to me....it was a safe place. The woman showed me a small stark room....with a small bed. This was to be home for while. I met a man named Mac who was on the down side of a long binge flavored with mind altering substances....he was a biker, his bearded face mellow from his trip, eyes unfocused and gentle with the kiss of his good will. He let me use his bike. His Harley felt natural to me, freedom with the wind on my face. Cruising through broken countryside of abandoned orange groves interspersed with old gnarly live oaks and palmettos, no destination in mind. The empty places brought me comfort.

There is no life only illusion
caught in loves misfortunes
anguish is my center
The only light I see
is the glistening of tears
Hope is always out of reach
a ghost that defies my heart
and leaves me bare crying in the night

yes I go there, the many ways to end my pain
my minds eye takes me there, this way and that
would that I was more selfish, I could stop all this
why would I want to face this abyss again and again?
Gibberish and maddening some would say
but my mind sees with unbending acuity
and in it I cannot face myself.
My demons laugh at me, my habit of thought
that is unyielding to the beauty of life
now a gentle touch would send me shuddering
for it cannot be true, such is false, a delusion to
laugh at my faltering hope...I need morning
I need a gentle rain, I need the sun on my face.

The day is gray yet hope is born in the eyes of my child
the morning light forces the darkness into the recesses of my mind
all creative forces have come to a screeching halt...
my camera is not working, my musical muse has fled
only prose remains in a tepid state
caught in my moodiness, sticky black pitch
crying always crying

I do not think I can do what is expected of me
to reach inside and cull the unconscious
tired of the battle and less able to give
no one to comfort or hold me
This whole process of rebirth is rent with agony
for the voices will not be silent even with my intent
I see it so clearly yet family only twists it to the dark
I am maligned and winged, unable to fly for their distorted thoughts.
See I am here! I am beautiful! I am love! I am gentleness! I am understanding! I am truth!
No....I must remain in the darkness of their expectations crying for the end of night. Surely I must transcend....but to death or life? delicate I am poised on the edge of a knife awaiting gods breath.

The kind words of a loving soul
carefully delivered within love
healing thoughts that succor light
touching, kissing in the night
my heart is warmed with delight
time for sleep and all is right.

Gi_Venus said:

The kind words of a loving soul
carefully delivered within love
healing thoughts that succor light
touching, kissing in the night
my heart is warmed with delight
time for sleep and all is right.

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Ahhh, there you go. Told you I was watching.

jomar said:

Ahhh, there you go. Told you I was watching.

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eep! *looking around*

GI borrowing your thread...

Thoughts:

Sometimes strength is over rated. There are days when the strength to overcome becomes an inability to fall apart, even when it is most needed. I feel like a jagged piece of glass, not yet broken but one good whoosh of wind and I will disintegrate.
There are pieces of my soul chipped all over the floor here, and all I want is for someone, anyone, to pick them up for me. I don't think I can bend far enough to do it myself.

Missing someone for any length of time is like looking up and realizing that you are completely alone, though you feel convinced that the conversations you heard were not in your head. Psychosis? Maybe, just a little.

Anger is black, deep unrelenting black. Never bleak, just black, with crystal chips of explosions scattered about for colour.

I want to lay down and sleep an eternity.

Luna_Wolf72 said:

Thoughts:

Sometimes strength is over rated. There are days when the strength to overcome becomes an inability to fall apart, even when it is most needed. I feel like a jagged piece of glass, not yet broken but one good whoosh of wind and I will disintegrate.
There are pieces of my soul chipped all over the floor here, and all I want is for someone, anyone, to pick them up for me. I don't think I can bend far enough to do it myself.

Missing someone for any length of time is like looking up and realizing that you are completely alone, though you feel convinced that the conversations you heard were not in your head. Psychosis? Maybe, just a little.

Anger is black, deep unrelenting black. Never bleak, just black, with crystal chips of explosions scattered about for colour.

I want to lay down and sleep an eternity.

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Borrow any time dear*comfort*

Gi_Venus said:

Borrow any time dear*comfort*

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thanks lovey...

Luna_Wolf72 said:

thanks lovey...

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You are welcome, I like your words.....and thoughts, they are beautiful and poignant.

Gi_Venus said:

eep! *looking around*

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Ha! No worries. Just noticed you on another thread and followed up. It'll happen again because you deserve to be happy. Not fake happy, but real happy. Or content. You know.

jomar said:

Ha! No worries. Just noticed you on another thread and followed up. It'll happen again because you deserve to be happy. Not fake happy, but real happy. Or content. You know.

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it is nice that you have my interests at heart. Thank you. I will look forward to your appearances.

Run...run...run..... run fast get to bed...run fast get to work....run run...Have a wonderful day....night?.....well whatever....nite!

Oh the joy of playing music
warm notes drifting from a fine guitar
half notes, quarter notes
all in a flowing melodic song
my heart sings...I need words..I need words
Life is this, bright and cheerful resonance,
an extension of my heart, beating flowing,
no one else to hear, it does not matter,
it is the center, it is the soul, it makes me whole.
A healing symphony to the world. A kiss to the wind,
insignificant but beautiful gesture,
an acknowledgement to the God in all of us.

Lost, no center, no self
no soul, no heart,
crouched in the wreckage
shivering in the night
others reach out to me
but I feel no light
I must destroy who I am
is it a loss? At what cost?
Ruminating darkness
searing hurt release...release
give me peace

*Tonight I went to see therapist number two...who is the therapist
who so saved me earlier in life. Therapist number one likes what therapist number two is putting me through....eep. *

It is like when I feel lost it is nice to cling to someone...lol * I know it
is strange but it is like being a child again....I see it in how little boy
reacts to things....he likes to keep one of us parents around just to
bolster his own uncertainty. * Really I could say I have gone through
life in a frightened state....it is this that has worn me down to
despair... *and then trying to do what I am doing is practically
unbearable....My life has been a constant battle of controlling panic
attacks as each new situation arises....I cling to the static nature
of being...to the familiar. *The reality is the world is dynamic .
The question is......my panics are...a
distortion of a cognitive nature *or a neurological phenomena of
reaction to stimulus. * If it is the later I really do not know what I
will do....this puts me as a truly impaired individual. Therapist 1 has
worked with people with impairments...she may be able to determine its
nature. *To be sure...if I am impaired it lets me off of a lot of
responsibility....but I do not want that road.....I want to be
dynamic....I want to flourish.....to burst forth and dazzle the world
with the anomaly *of someone our age thriving and waxing...not waning.
*I want to grasp the world and teach it the beauty I sometimes
see.....the light is there damn it...lol...we do not see it for our
human nature, call it God, *call it what you will.....but beauty is
there in all its endless guises for us to perceive....the key is
within each of us......we have to open ourselves to it....to let go of
our pettiness of human existence and be a part of the rainbow. *Some
would hang onto ego and their misery with a tenaciousness that is
unbelievable. **waving my hand in the air* * Letting go is not
dissolution but rebirth.

... damn *this coffee has me going ..Are'nt you glad I am not a preacher? * *You see my pattern....I just rendered a pep talk to walk the walk.....you know...mincing might be fun....*giggle* associative thought is so much fun. My therapist noticed the little girl in the waiting room came in to announce me...."Mommy there is a person in the waiting room"....lol I will take it.

Gi_Venus said:

* Really I could say I have gone through
life in a frightened state....it is this that has worn me down to
despair... *and then trying to do what I am doing is practically
unbearable....My life has been a constant battle of controlling panic
attacks as each new situation arises

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You know, I'd forgotten this until I read what you wrote. I felt that way so completely last year, like I was living each day in fear. For a while I really thought I should look into anti anxiety meds. Somewhere along the way of what I've been through in the past four or five months, that has gone away, so completely that I'd even forgotten the feeling. I hope you find your way out the other side as well.

Gi_Venus said:

*
*I want to grasp the world and teach it the beauty I sometimes
see.....the light is there damn it...lol...we do not see it for our
human nature, call it God, *call it what you will.....but beauty is
there in all its endless guises for us to perceive.

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You do that so well already.

MagicaPractica said:

You know, I'd forgotten this until I read what you wrote. I felt that way so completely last year, like I was living each day in fear. For a while I really thought I should look into anti anxiety meds. Somewhere along the way of what I've been through in the past four or five months, that has gone away, so completely that I'd even forgotten the feeling. I hope you find your way out the other side as well.

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Me too... I think I am in for it for a while...sigh.



Originally Posted by Gi_Venus
*
"I want to grasp the world and teach it the beauty I sometimes
see.....the light is there damn it...lol...we do not see it for our
human nature, call it God, *call it what you will.....but beauty is
there in all its endless guises for us to perceive."

You do that so well already.

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*blush*

Gi_Venus said:

.....I want to be
dynamic....I want to flourish.....to burst forth and dazzle the world...*I want to grasp the world and teach it the beauty I sometimes
see.....the light is there damn it....but beauty is
there in all its endless guises for us to perceive....the key is
within each of us......we have to open ourselves to it.... be a part of the rainbow.

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Thanks for making me smile. I thought I should tell you I lurk in this thread

Gi_Venus said:

... damn *this coffee has me going ..Are'nt you glad I am not a preacher? * *You see my pattern....I just rendered a pep talk to walk the walk.....you know...mincing might be fun....*giggle* associative thought is so much fun. My therapist noticed the little girl in the waiting room came in to announce me...."Mommy there is a person in the waiting room"....lol I will take it.

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[/quote]
So.... if coffee makes you talk beautifully... more coffee?