More Humour

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle.
They reached the altar and the waiting groom.
The bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.

The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly.

As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

Handley_Page said:

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle.
They reached the altar and the waiting groom.
The bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.

The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly.

As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

Click to expand...

That's not the way it works!

I say this from personal experience.

At my daughter's wedding reception (which she and the groom, both being in their thirties and both about to take jobs that pay about half again as much as I ever made, mostly paid for), she asked me for my credit card so she could get the band to play an hour or two longer than she'd originally planned.

I was very proud of myself for not saying "Isn't that his job now?

CarlusMagnus said:

That's not the way it works!

I say this from personal experience.

At my daughter's wedding reception (which she and the groom, both being in their thirties and both about to take jobs that pay about half again as much as I ever made, mostly paid for), she asked me for my credit card so she could get the band to play an hour or two longer than she'd originally planned.

I was very proud of myself for not saying "Isn't that his job now?

Click to expand...

Oh, nice one!

Spring Classes for Women
at:

THE ADULT LEARNING CENTRE
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By Friday April 30th 2014

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1

Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.

Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2

Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?

Round Table Discussion.

Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3

Is It Possible To Drive Past a Supermarket Without Stopping?--Group Debate.

Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4

Fundamental Differences Between a Handbag and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.

Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5

Golf Clubs--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?

Examples on Video.

Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning At 7:00 PM

Class 6

How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program.

Help Line Support and Support Groups.

Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM Class 7 Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?

Open Forum.

Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8

Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!

Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9

I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.

Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10

How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.

Driving Simulations.

4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11

Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield .

Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined Class 12 How to Shop by Yourself.

Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie , "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees."

"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."

Funny and very talented editors!!

sorry link was broken ...

A baby seal walks into a bar.

"What can I get you?" asks the bartender.

"Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal.

"Kilt"
It's what happened to the last person who called it a skirt!




.

Ultimate blonde joke. A blonde was driving a sportscar very fast down a back country road . She was pushing 80 in a 55 when a cop pulled up behind her, lights flashing and siren keening. The blonde pulled to a stop. the cop pproached. The cop was a female officer, also blonde.

"Driver's license , the blonde officer demanded.

Rumagging through her purse the blonde driver opened her compact, looked in teh mirror, saw her face and said"Oh there it is. So shje handed it to the blonde cop who looked at it and said," "I am so sorry I had no idea you were a police officer."

And by the way, TE 999, you better hope nothing bad ever happens to you. If it does I hope you get all the asssistance you have coming to you for the taxes you've paid. And I hope everyone points at you and laughs.. Your welfare joke is sick. It might be funny if it made fun of your actual average welfare recipient, the vast majority of whom are white and 1-12 years old.

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully,
"Grant me one last request, dear," he said.

"Of course, John," his wife said softly.

"Six months after I die," John said, "I want you to marry Bob."

"But I thought you hated Bob," she said..

With his last breath John said, "I do!"

He & She are sat in front of the TV

She: "Why do you keep swapping channels?"
He: "Because there's Golf and a Porno movie on at the same time. I don't know whether to watch the Golf or the Porno."
She: " Oh for Heaven's sake, watch the porno; you already know how to play golf"

The worst part is when they ask...

1. When people see you lying down, with your eyes closed they still ask:
- Are you sleeping?
- What’s your answer?
- No! I’m training to die

2. Imagine when you take an electronic equipment to a technician to get it fixed and he still asks you:
- need to be fixed?
- No, it got bored of staying home alone so I brought It over for a ride.

3. When It’s raining and someone notices you going out, they ask:
- Are you going out on this rain?
- No, with the next one.

4. When you wake up, then comes an idiot asking you:
- You Awake?
- No. Going back to bed!

5. Your friend calls your home:
- Where are you?
- At news café! I brought my house over!

6. They see you wet coming from the bathroom:
- Did you bathe?
- No, I swam!

7. You are standing right in front of the elevator from the ground floor and they ask:
- Going up?
- No, no, I am waiting for my apartment to come get me.

8. Your boyfriend comes to your house with a bunch of flowers. And you still ask him:
- Flowers?
- No baby! Carrots.

9. You’re in the toilet when someone knocks on the door asking:
- Is anyone in there?
- No! The Sh!t is talking to you!

10. You head straight to the bank with a cheque ready to get money:
-Then the lady asks you, In cash?
- No, In clips and plastics!

I tell ya. I'm ugly, you know what I'm saying?

I called my doctor. I said doc, I want a vasectomy.

He said with a face like that, you don't need one!

It's bad, you know?

I got mugged last week, and the mugger took off his mask and made me wear it!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7FF67Z3iIJU&feature=player_embedded

Some Doctors are saying that a rasher of bacon will take about nine minutes off your life.
As that works out, I should have died about 1752.

John climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.

Looking up, he asks the Lord. "God, what does a million years mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A minute."

John asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A penny."

John asks, "Can I have a penny?"

The Lord replies, "In a minute."

Some interesting mistranslations:

In a Belgrade elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

A doctor's office in Rome:
Specialist in women and other diseases.

In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here & spend the afternoon having a good time.

On a menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beer soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

A Finnish hotel's instructions in case of fire:
If you are unable to leave your room, expose yourself in the window.

Ad for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride your own ass?

In a Czech tourist agency:
Take one of our horse driven tours---we guarantee no miscarriages.

Car rental brochure in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigour.

A temple in Bangkok:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed like a man.

In a Bangkok cleaners:
Drop your trousers here for best results.

In a hotel in Yugoslavia:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.."

Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"

I doubt if any of you have ever read teh provisions of the bill. It is the best thing that has happened to health care in this country so far. It is already improving the health of the nation and lowering costs.

This is long but funny and quite worth the read.
DG

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the
pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which
they are leaving, which is unlikely.. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are
leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these
religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are,
we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law
states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all
Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take
into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already
frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
extinct, leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+

A lady walked into the Gun Shop:
"I'd like to buy a rifle please; it's a surprise for my Husband."

"Certainly, Madam," came the response. "Did he say what sort of calibre does he'd prefer?"

"Of course not," she said. "He doesn't know I'm going to shoot him."

robertreams said:

I doubt if any of you have ever read teh provisions of the bill. It is the best thing that has happened to health care in this country so far. It is already improving the health of the nation and lowering costs.

Click to expand...

Now THAT is funny!

"Do not envy the one you admire most, instead, try to make yourself one that can be envied"

"Love starts with a hug, grows with a kiss, and ends with a tear!"

"The lesson is in the struggle, not in the victory!"

"Only those who can see the invisible can do the impossible!"

"Its ok to kiss a fool, its ok to let a fool kiss you, but never let a kiss fool you!"

"Friends are gods ways of apologizing for our families"

"You only live once...but if you live it right, once is enough"

"If your ship doesn't come in, swim out to it"-Jonathan winters.

"Knowledge talks, wisdom listens"

"To control others is to have power, to control yourself is to know the way" - Lao Ma

A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.The pastor told them,"We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for two weeks."

The couple agreed and came back in two weeks.

The pastor asked them,"Well, were you able to get thru the two weeks without being intimate?"

"Pastor, I'm afraid we weren't able to go without sex for two weeks," the young man replied.

"What happened?" inquired the pastor.

"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and she dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, that means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor."

"That's okay," said the young man." We're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either."

There were two brothers. One was very good and tried to always live right and be helpful.

His brother on the other hand was bad and did all the things that men should not do in life and didn't care who he hurt.

The bad brother died. He was still missed by his brother since he loved him despite his ways. Finally, years later, the good brother died and went to Heaven. Everything was beautiful and wonderful there, and he was very happy.

One day he asked God where his brother was, as he hadn't seen him there. God said that he was sorry but his brother lived a terrible life and went to Hell instead.

The good brother then asked God if there was any way for him to see his brother.

So God gave him the power of vision to see into Hell and there was his brother. He was sitting on a bench with a keg of beer under one arm and a gorgeous blonde on the other.

Confused, the good brother said to God, "I am so happy that you let me into
Heaven with you. It is so beautiful here and I love it. But I don't understand - if my brother was bad enough to go to Hell, why does he have the keg of beer and a gorgeous blonde? It hardly seems like a punishment".

God said unto him, "Things are not always as they seem, my son.

The keg has a hole in it; the blonde does not."