Humor Thread

Recently, in a large city in Australia , a poster featuring a young, thin and well-tanned woman appeared in the window of a gym. It said,
"This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?"

A middle-aged woman, whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster, responded publicly to the question posed by the gym.

To Whom It May Concern,
Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious humans.) They have an active sex life, get pregnant and have adorable baby whales. They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves with shrimp. They play and swim in the seas, seeing wonderful places like Patagonia , the Bering Sea and the coral reefs of Polynesia. Whales are wonderful singers and have even recorded CDs. They are incredible creatures and virtually have no predators other than humans. They are loved, protected and admired by almost everyone in the world.

Mermaids don't exist. If they did exist, they would be lining up outside the offices of foreign psychoanalysts due to an identity crisis. Fish or human? They don't have a sex life because they kill men who get close to them, not to mention how could they have sex?

Just look at them ... where is IT? Therefore, they don't have kids either. Not to mention, who wants to get close to a girl who smells like a fish store?

The choice is perfectly clear to me: I want to be a whale.

P.S. We are in an age when media puts into our heads the idea that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my kids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver, and a piece of chocolate with my friends.

With time, we gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out to the rest of our bodies.

So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy.
Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, Good grief, look how smart I am!


=

Little Johnny! (Bless the little b@stard)


"Class, today's assignment is to spell and use the word 'DOUGH' in a Sentence."


"Jane, you go first..."…..Dough, D O U G H …..…….Italians make pizza with dough."
Very good, Jane... now let's hear from Mary.
"Dough, D O U G H …….. …. my brother makes things with play dough."

"Yes, Johnny, do you have something constructive to add?"

“My mom says my dad doesn't make enough dough, and he's bloody hopeless in bed, so she uses a dill dough!"

Handley_Page said:

Little Johnny! (Bless the little b@stard)


"Class, today's assignment is to spell and use the word 'DOUGH' in a Sentence."


"Jane, you go first..."…..Dough, D O U G H …..…….Italians make pizza with dough."
Very good, Jane... now let's hear from Mary.
"Dough, D O U G H …….. …. my brother makes things with play dough."

"Yes, Johnny, do you have something constructive to add?"

“My mom says my dad doesn't make enough dough, and he's bloody hopeless in bed, so she uses a dill dough!"

Click to expand...

Thank you, HP.

A new priest, born and raised in Texas , is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.

The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand and try saying things like 'yes, I see,' and 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.'

The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, "No shit... what happened next?"

Should a child witness childbirth?

Here's your answer.

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Matthew, a 5-yr old boy to hold a flashlight high over his mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Matthew did as he was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and
After a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.

Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Matthew for his help and asked the wide-eyed 5-yr old what he thought about what he had just witnessed.

Matthew quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place.........spank his ass again!"

If you don't laugh at this one, there's no hope for you.

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again, Her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, “Lord, they’re finally together.”

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, “Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?” The friend replied, “I think he means her legs.”

DG Hear said:

Should a child witness childbirth?

Here's your answer.

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Matthew, a 5-yr old boy to hold a flashlight high over his mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Matthew did as he was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and
After a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.

Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Matthew for his help and asked the wide-eyed 5-yr old what he thought about what he had just witnessed.

Matthew quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place.........spank his ass again!"

If you don't laugh at this one, there's no hope for you.

Click to expand...

Thank you for the laugh, DG.

My husband decided
to wash his Sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room,
he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the
washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied.
'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' OHIO STATE ! '
And they say
blondes are dumb....

----------------------------------------------------------------
A couple is lying
in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make
you the happiest woman in the world...'
The woman replies,
'I'll miss you........
----------------------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,'
Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the
neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
-------------------------------------------
Q: What do you
call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
-------------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
and Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
--------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you
call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy..
---------------------------------------------
Q: What does it
mean when a man is in your bed gasping
for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
------------------------------------------
Q: Why do men whistle when they
are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end to wipe.
-------------------------------------------
Q: How do you
keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the
email folder 'Instruction Manuals'
-------------------------------------------------

If you are 36, or older, you might think this is hilarious!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... Barefoot... BOTH ways...yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that I'm over the ripe old age of forty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

1) I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

2) There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!

3) Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!

4) There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!

5) Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig?

6) We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!

7) There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOSH !!! Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.

8) And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

9) We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen.. Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

10) You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!

11) There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!

12) And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!

13) And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside... you were doing chores!

And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were lucky, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!

See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten little rat bastards. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1970 or any time before!

Regards,

The Over 40 Crowd

An old man approaches the window of a cinema with a chicken on his shoulder, and asks for 2 tickets. The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him. He replies, "Well, my pet chicken, of course!"

"Im sorry," The girl tells him. "We cant allow animals in the cinema."

The man goes around the corner and stuffs the chicken into his trousers. He returns to the window, buys his ticket and goes in. Inside the cinema, the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man unzips his trousers so the chicken can stick its head out and watch the film.

Seated next to him is a woman. She looks over at his lap and is horrified. She elbows her friend Agnes and whispers, "Agnes, this man over here has just unzipped his trousers!"

Agnes whispers back, "Oh, dont worry about it...youve seen one, youve seen them all."

Madge says, "I KNOW...but this ones eating my POPCORN!!"

DG Hear said:

An old man approaches the window of a cinema with a chicken on his shoulder, and asks for 2 tickets. The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him. He replies, "Well, my pet chicken, of course!"

"Im sorry," The girl tells him. "We cant allow animals in the cinema."

The man goes around the corner and stuffs the chicken into his trousers. He returns to the window, buys his ticket and goes in. Inside the cinema, the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man unzips his trousers so the chicken can stick its head out and watch the film.

Seated next to him is a woman. She looks over at his lap and is horrified. She elbows her friend Agnes and whispers, "Agnes, this man over here has just unzipped his trousers!"

Agnes whispers back, "Oh, dont worry about it...youve seen one, youve seen them all."

Madge says, "I KNOW...but this ones eating my POPCORN!!"

Click to expand...

This is wonderful!

Finishing Things:

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and
we all could probably use more calm in our lives. Some doctor on TV this
morning said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you
have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and
hadn't finished so I have managed to finish off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle
of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prungles,
tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valiuminun scriptins, the res of the chesescke
an a box a chocletz.

Yu haf no idr how bludy fablus I feel rite now. Plaese
sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr pisss.
An telum,u blody luvum!! xx

DG Hear said:

Finishing Things:

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and
we all could probably use more calm in our lives. Some doctor on TV this
morning said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you
have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and
hadn't finished so I have managed to finish off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle
of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prungles,
tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valiuminun scriptins, the res of the chesescke
an a box a chocletz.

Yu haf no idr how bludy fablus I feel rite now. Plaese
sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr pisss.
An telum,u blody luvum!! xx

Click to expand...

Have you been drinking again, DG?

This is a "heads up" for you guys who may be regular Home Depot customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you.

Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls in bikinis come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

It happened to me, so I can verify this is for real. I had my wallet stolen July 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 11th and 12th and three times just yesterday. It will very likely happen again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.

Double post, sorry.

Cat Commandments

Thou shalt not jump onto the keyboard when thy human is using the computer.

Thou shalt not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem (okay - a
little outdated).

Thou shalt not unroll all of the toilet paper off the roll.

Thou shalt not sit in front of the television or monitor as thou are not
transparent.

Thou shalt not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy butt.

Thou shalt not lie down with thy butt in thy human's face.

Fast as thou art, thou cannot run through closed doors.

Thou shalt not leap from great heights onto thy human's lap.

Thou shalt not climb on garbage cans with hinged lids, as thou wilt fall in
and trap thyself.

Thou shalt not reset thy human's alarm clock by walking on it.

Thou shalt not jump onto a seat just as thy human is sitting down.

Thou shalt realize that the house is not a prison from which to escape at
any opportunity.

Thou shalt not trip thy humans even if they are walking too slow.

Thou shalt not push open the bathroom door when there are guests in thy
house.

Thou shalt remember that thou art a carnivore and that house-plants are not
meat.

Thou shalt show remorse when being scolded.

Handley_Page said:

Cat Commandments

Thou shalt not jump onto the keyboard when thy human is using the computer.

Thou shalt not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem (okay - a
little outdated).

Thou shalt not unroll all of the toilet paper off the roll.

Thou shalt not sit in front of the television or monitor as thou are not
transparent.

Thou shalt not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy butt.

Thou shalt not lie down with thy butt in thy human's face.

Fast as thou art, thou cannot run through closed doors.

Thou shalt not leap from great heights onto thy human's lap.

Thou shalt not climb on garbage cans with hinged lids, as thou wilt fall in
and trap thyself.

Thou shalt not reset thy human's alarm clock by walking on it.

Thou shalt not jump onto a seat just as thy human is sitting down.

Thou shalt realize that the house is not a prison from which to escape at
any opportunity.

Thou shalt not trip thy humans even if they are walking too slow.

Thou shalt not push open the bathroom door when there are guests in thy
house.

Thou shalt remember that thou art a carnivore and that house-plants are not
meat.

Thou shalt show remorse when being scolded.

Click to expand...

I love the language! A good one, HP.

Smart Lady

From a Kansas State Highway Patrol officer:

I made a traffic stop on an elderly lady the other day
for speeding on U.S. 166 Eastbound at Mile Marker 73 just
East of Sedan, KS .

I asked for her driver's license, registration, and proof
of insurance. The lady took out the required information
and handed it to me.

In with the cards I was somewhat surprised (due to her
advanced age) to see she had a concealed carry permit. I
looked at her and ask if she had a weapon in her possession
at this time. She responded that she indeed had a .45
automatic in her glove box.

Something---body language, or the way she said it---made
me want to ask if she had any other firearms.

She did admit to also having a 9mm Glock in her center
cons ole.

Now I had to ask one more time if that was all. She
responded once again that she did have just one more, a
.38 special in her purse. I asked her what was she so
afraid of.

She looked me right in the eye and said, "Not a damn thing!"

-- Last week, she checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages." She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled bum....

She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.
"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you? .. . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I' m ready!! Now how does that sound?"

He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

DG Hear said:

-- Last week, she checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages." She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled bum....

She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.
"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you? .. . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I' m ready!! Now how does that sound?"

He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

Click to expand...

Thanks again, DG.

I've been reading some cute Readers Digest humor. I'll start posting some.
DG


Beauty of the Beholder

An elderly patient paid me a wonderful compliment. "You're beautiful," she said. I must have looked skeptical because she was quick to assure me that she was sincere. "It's just that I rarely hear flattering comments about my looks," I explained.

She smiled understandingly. "That's because you're fat. But it doesn't mean you aren't pretty."

Magician

I got mugged by a magician. It's not funny: He took my wallet, my watch, and every silver dollar I had behind my ear.


Stealing Gardener

Having been a store detective for five years, I should be surprised at nothing. Occasionally, however, I have to fight a powerful urge to scream, "You've got to be joking!"

One such occasion was the seemingly routine matter of a nice, motherly old woman who had helped herself to an assortment of beauty aids. In my office I asked her to empty the contents of her large purse onto the desk. As she did, there, mixed with the stolen toiletries, were three small potted cacti.

Why, I asked her, would she steal a cactus?

"Well," she replied, "I haven't had much luck with African violets."

Listening Skills

"Guess what?" yelled my high schooler as he burst through the door. "I got a 100 on the Spanish quiz that I didn't even know we were having."

"That's great!" I said. "But why didn't you know about the quiz?"

"Because our teacher told us about it in Spanish."



Well Mannered

While on maternity leave, a woman from our office brought in her new bundle of joy. She also had her seven-year-old son with her. Everyone gathered around the baby, and the little boy asked, "Mommy, can I have some money to buy a soda?"

"What do you say?" she said.

Respectfully, the boy replied, "You're thin and beautiful."

The woman reached in her purse and gave her son the money.

Years of Romance

Shortly before our 25th wedding anniversary, my husband sent 25 long-stemmed yellow roses to me at my office. A few days later, I plucked all the petals and dried them. On the night of our anniversary, I spread the petals over the bed and lay on top of them, wearing only a negligee.

As I'd hoped, I got a reaction from my husband.

When he saw me, he shouted, "Are those potato chips?"

Silly Teacher

Teacher: Millie, give me a sentence starting with i.

Millie: I is …

Teacher: No, Millie. Always say, "I am."

Millie: Okay, I am the ninth letter of the alphabet