I'd appreciate some constructive criticism

My third story is up. It's called "The Scottish Festival". Here it is:

https://www.literotica.com/s/the-scottish-festival

It's doing ok (5300 views, 71 votes, 4.35). Unfortunately, it has no comments. I'd really like some constructive criticism and feedback. I know there is lot of room for improvement, I just don't know where. I think my grammar is ok, and spell check helps. My punctuation is poor I think, and I could use some help structurally and with character development. This is a short story,so character development is hard. My next ones are longer.

Thanks in advance.

TANSTAAFL58 said:

My third story is up. It's called "The Scottish Festival". Here it is:

https://www.literotica.com/s/the-scottish-festival

It's doing ok (5300 views, 71 votes, 4.35). Unfortunately, it has no comments. I'd really like some constructive criticism and feedback. I know there is lot of room for improvement, I just don't know where. I think my grammar is ok, and spell check helps. My punctuation is poor I think, and I could use some help structurally and with character development. This is a short story,so character development is hard. My next ones are longer.

Thanks in advance.

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It's late so maybe I missed some punctuation stuff. I didn't really notice anything that stood out as being wrong.

I didn't find anything really wrong with the story. I know it was a quickie but I think I might have liked some more emotion from the characters, especially during the sex part.

A quickie

It's hard to do much in a page, but you did a lot. The twist was enjoyable. You're right that there were a few punctuation errors, missing commas, mostly, but not standing out enough to disturb the flow. A few nice touches of wit, though one or two were hackneyed. I enjoyed the interlude - will these people show up in a longer story one day?

This was a great example of a first person narrative done correctly. I also loved the opening sentence, which was followed by a solid description of a setting which depicted dancing, music, beer and sword fighting. Even the descriptions of the kilts, though I had no idea what any of it was, still managed to give it a bit of an 'exotic' touch. Unfortunately you jump straight from a great opening description of the setting to being groped and having sex, while completely neglecting to create any remote semblance of an actual story or character development.

For one of a zillion examples, if he's at a bar having a good time why not create a dialogue between the male protaganist and a 'mysterious' female who approaches him? Such an engagement has been featured countless of times in movies and books already, so you have to make this one in particular stand out.

For an example, look at what's going on in this bar scene here: "Sorry, my other vice is talking very respectfully to beautiful women". Clever and engaging, and forces the female to react.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qT2OJJY_x-4&t=3s

Whatever way you have your characters react to whatever variable, you begin to develop them. Laughter, shame, envy, guilt, spite... the more emotions you can showcase the more 'real' your characters seem to your audience and the more enticing the explicit content becomes.

It's very good. OK there isn't much of a story, but it's only a one-page quickie so detail and character development are not expected. The only thing that I can think of to criticise is the ending. I think it would be better to end on the little joke about picking up the kids.

It's a romp, a light hearted bit of fluff. You can't expect more in a thousand words, but there's enough here to show, when you knuckle down to write something longer, that you'll do okay.

What's not to like about a girl with flame red hair and a lad with a cock-ring under his kilt?

The only thing I'd watch, is every now and then you come close to peering over the fourth wall, eg:

Past history indicated that we might have a problem there.

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I think you can pull that off with an omniscient third person narrator, but with a first person narrative it gets a little trickier. It can be done, I think, but it has to be quite deliberate from the start. Here, it seemed a little unsubtle. It's spicier with the idea that they haven't done this before, that it's spontaneous.

But it's only a tiny niggle. Overall, good fun.

Thank you all. This is great! Just what I need. Much appreciated!

As I think you know, I am big on snappy patter between characters. You have got it down. I loved the dialogue between them, it was playfully erotic. Here and there it veered close to "porn talk", but that worked in context.

I have heard that old joke, "What does a Scotsman wear under his kilt? Lipstick," before and I still laughed when you incorporated it.

Thank you for a fun morning read.

I thought the story was well written and accomplished what you were hoping to do. I think you didn't get a lot of response because sex between long-time lovers just isn't very interesting. There wasn't any tension to the story. I kind of felt misled as it seemed at first that is was a chance encounter, but as the story went along it came out they were living together. At the end, I wondered why she wanted a quickie at the festival.

8letters said:

At the end, I wondered why she wanted a quickie at the festival.

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For fun?

MelissaBaby said:

For fun?

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Yeah. Of course. But why that specific spot at that specific time? Did she get off on having sex in kilts? Did she get off on having sex with lots of people around her? Or was having sex at the festival his fantasy and she went along with it?

Once it became clear that this was a planned encounter, I feel that some explanation for why should have been given.

You set the scene well, and you add just the right sorts of details to create a sustained tone -- sexy and also light-hearted. The writing is good. And the dialogue, as others have noted, is playful and well done. I think the one thing missing is a sense of dramatic tension, or a twist, or a surprise. It's a very short story and I realize you didn't intend to create much dramatic tension, but I think even a short story is more enjoyable with some element of surprise or conflict. Perhaps the angle of having sex in a public place and not wanting to get caught could have been played up. More could have been made of the risk, or their nervousness. Even so, a good, fun, short, well-written romp.

I think the message is that her kink is to have quickies in public. It seemed to me like getting away with it is a more powerful stimulant than an hour with a vibrator.

As far as I'm concerned, the story does an admirable job of telling a story that is just part of the arc that is the protagonists life, with a healthy dose of other details sprinkled in to help the two of them feel more like people. If you compare this to another recently reviewed quickie, Go Padres, this author has succeeded in having very human characters with believable actions and motivations where the other did not.

For what it's worth, this is maybe the best example of a pure stroker I've ever seen. Even if cock rings, kilts, and raconteurish first person does nothing for me, I can see that it is achieving what it set out to do.

I suspect that the Scottish references and length are what is holding you back from a higher score, but "fixing" those "problems" is only worthwhile if score is super important to you.

AwkwardMD said:

I think the message is that her kink is to have quickies in public. It seemed to me like getting away with it is a more powerful stimulant than an hour with a vibrator.

As far as I'm concerned, the story does an admirable job of telling a story that is just part of the arc that is the protagonists life, with a healthy dose of other details sprinkled in to help the two of them feel more like people. If you compare this to another recently reviewed quickie, Go Padres, this author has succeeded in having very human characters with believable actions and motivations where the other did not.

For what it's worth, this is maybe the best example of a pure stroker I've ever seen. Even if cock rings, kilts, and raconteurish first person does nothing for me, I can see that it is achieving what it set out to do.

I suspect that the Scottish references and length are what is holding you back from a higher score, but "fixing" those "problems" is only worthwhile if score is super important to you.

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I'm not sure I got all the Scottish references, but they added color.

A nice slice of life that, as you noted here, contains enough background detail to make the characters pop off the page as real people , is a delightful thing on it's own. I don't think it needs any conflict or complication added.

I tend to agree with the other comments here. The story didn't have a lot of tension - no great surprises or mystery about where it's going - but it worked fine as a vignette from a relationship.

Short stories tend to score lower. That's not so much a problem with the story, which is a good length for what it is, but just a bias in how voting works here: the longer it is, the more it filters out unenthusiastic readers before they get to the vote.

You mentioned grammar and punctuation. There were a few very minor things, nothing drastic.

I slowed my strokes, and released her hair, grabbing her braless tits and grinding my thighs into her firm ass at the end of every stroke. She complained to me more than once about how she thought her tits were too small, but they were firm and her stiff nipples were hard as pencil erasers.

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Unless she was complaining in the middle of sex, this should probably be "She had complained".

AwkwardMD said:

I suspect that the Scottish references and length are what is holding you back from a higher score, but "fixing" those "problems" is only worthwhile if score is super important to you.

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A really good point to consider. "Fixing" your story to get a higher score may not fix the story, but spoil it. The score is always, at best, an extremely rough proxy for quality.

Commas

I see several comma usage issues, other than that its great.

SimonDoom said:

A really good point to consider. "Fixing" your story to get a higher score may not fix the story, but spoil it. The score is always, at best, an extremely rough proxy for quality.

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There's nothing to be "fixed". If insular readers are that insular and not prepared to take on board other cultures, it's their problem, not the story's problem. That's why we have borders, so you can step beyond them (says he, living on a very big island .)

electricblue66 said:

There's nothing to be "fixed". If insular readers are that insular and not prepared to take on board other cultures, it's their problem, not the story's problem. That's why we have borders, so you can step beyond them (says he, living on a very big island .)

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I can't complain on that score. I'm constantly getting messages from readers asking me what willywacks or whoopee pies are.

Thank you all. I really appreciate it. I see where I can improve things next time. I won't change this story, but I will be able to write a better story next time. I care far less about the score than the feedback. A red H is nice,but I'll take thoughtful discussion every time.

Thanks again. I've got to go and get Bill and Emma out on the deck...

MelissaBaby said:

I can't complain on that score. I'm constantly getting messages from readers asking me what willywacks or whoopee pies are.

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I was going to write, "Setting it in Maine would make no difference." Maine being the closest America gets to Scotland; just a hop, step and a jump across the ocean. I'm surprised they don't wear kilts and eat haggis in Maine, frankly.

I guess Maine and Ontario aren't that different, except there are no lobsters in Lake Ontario!

As for the Scottish stuff:

A sporran is the leather (usually) pouch worn at the front of a kilt. Most kilts have no pockets.

Islay Malt refer to a style of Scotch Whisky from the Isle of Islay off the west coast of the Scottish mainland. It is markedly smoky and peaty, usually with iodine / medical notes. Laphroaig, Lagavulin, Bowmore and Brookladdie are four distilleries there.

Going regimental' refers to the requirement is Highland regiments that nothing get worn under a kilt. That inspired this story. It is truly a liberating experience.

The old joke goes something like: "Hey Angus, what's under your kilt laddie?"

"Your wife's lipstick"