Humor Thread

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door.

She was a sorry sight, starving, dirty, smelled terrible,

skinny, and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her so

we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't

know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.' The vet

decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let

us know when we could come and get her. My husband (the

complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she

stinks.' He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that

wanted the dirty cat, not him. My husband and my Vet don't

see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and

my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate

each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my

husband getting in the last word on this particular

occasion.



The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor,

who is located in the same building, next door to the vet.

The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting

to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned

in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.



He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said,

'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and

shaved it, and now she smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the

way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father

is!' Then he closed the door.

Now THAT, my friends, is getting even.

redpaint said:

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."

Click to expand...

Red, some really good stuff. I hope the readers take the time to go back at least one page so they don't miss to much. As always, thanks for contributing to the humor thread.
DG

Crudebug said:

always love to read the updates, even if they are repeats...
never hurts to repeat a chuckle or smile...

Click to expand...

The repeats are usely the funnest ones

There's an old couple, both in their 70's, on a sentimental holiday back to the place where they first met. They're sitting in a pub and he says to her, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the barn. You leaned against the fence and I made love to you from behind."

"Yes, she says, I remember it well." she replies.

"OK, he says, How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old times sake?"

Smiling his wife responds, "Oh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea, she answers."

There's a man sitting at the next table listening to all this, having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, I've got to see this, two old timers having sex against a fence. So he follows them.

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the barn and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and hangs on to the fence and the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex the watching man has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes. She's yelling Ohhh God! He's hanging on to her hips for dear life.

This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The guy watching is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. He starts to think about his own aged parents and wonders whether they still have sex like this.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The guy, still watching thinks, That was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is.

As the couple pass, the guy says to them, "That was something else, you must have been shagging for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? Is there some sort of secret?"

"No, there's no secret, the old man says, except fifty years ago that fucking fence wasn't electrified."

Last Tuesday, as President Obama got off the helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, Salutes and says:

"Nice pigs, sir."

The President replies "These are not pigs...these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, Salutes and says,

"Outstanding trade, sir. My compliments"

Governmentium Discovered!

Two preachers who rode motorcycles met for coffee & doughnuts before heading off to their respective churches on Sunday mornings. One morning one of the preachers came to the doughnut shop without his motorcycle.

The other preacher asked; "What happened to your motorcycle?"

The preacher replied; "I think someone in my congregation stole my motorcycle!"

The preacher suggested that he preach The 10 Commandments for his sermon
& when he gets to the commandment "Thou Shall Not Steal" the person who stole his motorcycle will feel ashamed & bring it back next weekend.

The following weekend both preachers met at the doughnut shop with their motorcycles.

The preacher asked; "Did you find out who stole your motorcycle?"

The other preacher said; "No."

The other preacher then asked; "You did preach "The 10 Commandments" like I told you right?"

The other preacher said; "Yes & when I got to the commandment "Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery" I remembered wher I left my motorcycle!"

Paddy and Colleen were making passionate love in Paddy's mini van when suddenly Colleen, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy,whip me,whip me!" Paddy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Colleen until they both collapse in ecstasy.

About a week later, Colleen notices that the marks left by the whipping are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.

The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?" Colleen, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Paddy [let alone that she allowed the kinky boy to whip her] eventually admits that, yes, she did.

Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen".

Oh Shit! Van Aerial disease!

Rum spew!

A ton of girlfriends

In high school I had a ton of girlfriends.
Okay so I only had 4.
But they each weighed a 500 pounds each.

The burglar

A burglar, who had entered a poor minister's house at midnight, was disturbed by the awakening of the occupant of the room he was in. Drawing his weapon, he said:

"If you stir, you are a dead man, I'm hunting for your money."

"Let me get up and turn on a light," said the minister, "and I'll hunt with you."

DG Hear said:

In high school I had a ton of girlfriends.
Okay so I only had 4. But they each weighed a 500 pounds each.

Click to expand...

rrrrrrotflmao...!!!!!!
That sure was some heavy dating you did there...

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.
'What happened to you?' asks Sean , the bartender.'
Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight,' says Paddy.
'That little O'Conner ,' says Sean , 'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.'
'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'
'Well,' says Sean , 'you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?'
That I did,' said Paddy, ' Mrs. O'Conner 's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight.'

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary 's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. 'Discreet???
I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.' Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door.
Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares,'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'
'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife.
'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.

On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her,
he replied, 'It's Lent'.
In tears, she sobbed, 'Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard!
Who did you lend it to, and for how long?'

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.
The waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'
The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive

double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor

who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been

completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.



Hellloooo, just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically

stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told ME last

year,.....namely, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for

themselves!



Helllooooo? It's been a year! (I told him.) There was only silence at the

other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.... He never called back.

Guess I won that stupid argument. I bet he felt like an idiot.

A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine. On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way.

"Well, okay," he says, "how about a blow job?" "Yuck!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!"

He says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?" "I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"

"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?" She nods. "Well, it's just like that."

So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.

"What's wrong?!" she cries out.

"Take your thumb off the end!!"

Navy Barrel

This guy decides to join the Navy. On his first day of service, he gets aquatinted with all the facilities around the ship he will be serving on. The guy asks the sailor showing him around, "What do you guys do around here when you get really horny after months of being out at sea?", to which the other replies, "Well, there is this barrel on the upper deck, just pump your cock in the side with the hole."

Weeks pass, and the new guy is getting real horny and remembers the barrel. He climbs to upper deck and sees the barrel. Flings his shlong out and starts fucking the barrel. Its simply the best feeling he had ever experienced, it was truly a success!

After he was done, zipped up and merrily walking along, the guy who originally told him about the barrel walks by. "That barrel really was great! I could do it every day!"

To which the other crew member replies, "Yeah, you can every day except Thursday." Confused, the new guy asks why, to which the other guy replies, "Because its your turn in the barrel on Thursday."

Alphabet

I remember this one way back when, when I was a kid.
DG

A kindergarten teacher comes to class and says,

"Today class I am going to give you a letter of the alphabet and I want you to give me a word that begins with that letter."

She begins with the letter "A" and all the kids raise their hands. There is one kid in the back named Johnny that is real eager to answer the question, but the teacher knows that he is always vulgar and likes to use obscenities so she chooses on little Mary to answer.

Mary stands and says, "A...Apple"

The teacher replies, "That's great, Mary, good job." So she moves on to the letter "B", and again Johnny is still eager to answer the question, but the teacher is sure that he will probably say "Bitch" or something like that so she calls on Todd.

Todd says, "B...Baseball."

And the teacher replies, "Good Job, Todd." So they start going through the alphabet and the class' attention dwindles, except for Johnny. The teacher comes to the letter "R" and no one, except for Johnny, is raising their hand so she is forced to call on him.

"Okay Johnny, what starts with R?" she says in a very worried voice.

"R is for Rat" Johnny replies.

The teacher smiled and sighed. Johnny didn't cuss.

Then Johnny replies with;

"Yeah," says Johnny, "A Big-ass fuckin' rat."

Church Bulletins!

> ----------------------------------------------------------
> The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
> --------------------------- -------------------------------
> Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
> ---------------------------------------------------------
> Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
> ---------------------------------------------------------
> Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I Will Not Pass This Way Again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.
> They need all the help they can get.
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing: 'Break Forth Into Joy.'
> ---------------------------------------------------------
> Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24th in the church. So ends a friendship
> that began in their school days.
> ---------------------------------------------------------
> At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will
> be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
> ---------------------------------------------------------
> Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
> ---------------------------------------------------------
> Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
> ---------------------------------------------------------
> Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
> ---------------------------------------------------------
> The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
> ---------------------------------------------------------
> Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - Prayer and medication to follow.
> ------------------------------------------------ ---------
> The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of
> every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon..
> ----------------------------------- ------ -----------------
> This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in
> the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
> ---------------------------------------------------------
> Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at
> 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles
> for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
> --------------------------------------------
> Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday
> at 7 PM.. Please use the back door.
> ---------------------------------------------------------
> The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
> -------------------------------------------------
> Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double
> doors at the side entrance.
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday : 'I Upped My Pledge...Up Yours'
>