New to BDSM but hesitant

Hi! BDSM community,

I have read BDSM stories and have been a "lurker" on different BDSM sites for quite some time. I have experienced some light things with different boyfriends but knew they were not interested in BDSM. I just recently created this account and i am hesitant to post, but the need to talk to someone about my interest in the BDSM lifestyle. this interest has increased to a breaking point. So here I am.

I am a college student in Virginia. I'm hoping someone can help me locate a club or something near me. Sadly, when I try to find any BDSM clubs, they have been closed down. BDSM groups are scarce in Virginia, or at least to the public. Since I'm in college, I do not have a car on campus, limiting me from going to BDSM events.

I know know I'm interested in finding a master, even though I'm young. I would like them to be someone older than myself but relatively young and experienced in the BDSM lifestyle. A fellow college student or graduate student would be amazing to find! This is not some post to get a master, even though finding one that is genuine seems impossible in this sea of BDSM. I am honestly curious about the BDSM lifestyle and willing to learn.

One last question, how do I sort through the people who are not, how do I say it, trustworthy people who have my best interests at heart? I know, ending on a difficult question. But I guess I'm hesitant to trust people because of all the bad things that happen to girls that you hear about on the news.

Thanks for reading my obviously amateur questions and insecurities,
-BlondeSub18

I don't know how it is there, but here most universities have a kink group. Have you looked into that, maybe there's one on your campus as well? Fetlife.com is another resource where you can find people, events and gatherings in your area. Simply googling bdsm munch and your location can bring up some good results, too. A munch is a low key meeting of kink oriented people, usually held in a restaurant. Everybody's in plain clothes and no BDSMing happens.

As to your other question, the way to weed through the bad apples is simple, but not foolproof: take your time getting to know them. Talk, not just about BDSM, but talk about everything and get to know what kind of a person they are. See how they relate to other people, if they are the kind of person you feel comfortable with, if your wants, needs and expectations align etc.

It isn't all that different from regular dating and getting to know people. In the BDSM world there's just another aspect to find out about.

If you get to know them online and you finally meet for the first time, do it in a public place over a cup of coffee or something with no expectation of any D/s action. Let somebody know where you're going, possibly set up a safe call. Talk some more.

When you feel ready to take the next step, take it slow. For example, if you're into restraints, maybe don't use handcuffs the first time around but rather something with a velcro release you can open yourself if need be etc.

While you're looking for someone, take your time to figure out your own limits, wants, needs, interests and expectations. That makes it easier to communicate them clearly to other people and it can also help you avoid some of the traps newbies often fall into.

Don't let anybody say that if you don't do X, you aren't a real sub or something similar. There is no one true way when it comes to BDSM. You are entitled to your own limits, wants and needs and even with a responsible partner you have to be prepared to enforce and make sure those limits are respected, if need be.

All in all, take it slow, be cautious and trust your gut, but don't be *too* scared. Most people in the BDSM world aren't creepy rapist criminals.

Welcome to Lit!

Good advice from Seela.

Welcome to Lit, BlondeSub.

Sound advice

I agree with seela, you've been given sound advice.

Thank you so much, I have checked around but I attend a small private campus. So, sadly there isn't a lot of people interested in BDSM. I'll look into the other things you mentioned. I really appreciate you, taking time and answering my questions.

I wish the internet had been around when I was starting out in this - although it can be scary, there are many resources available now. I suspect from your predicament that you are far from Washington DC, but you may be able to find help and information from the Black Rose society, www.br.org . I understand from folks I know down there that Virginia can be tough:-(

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In addition to what Seela said, I would add that there are some bad apples out there. Even if they are not rapist criminals, they can be very creepy indeed. For example, if you try to get out of the relationship, they can still hound and stalk you in real life or online.

It's very important to put your own safety first by making sure that you can make a clean getaway if things don't work out. This is especially important in the more extreme forms of BDSM, where the lifestyle is taken more seriously and extends outside of the bedroom. A couple of suggestions that come to mind are:

• Don't live together, so you aren't suddenly out on the street if things go south. If he has a key to your place, you'll be safer if you have roommates because it will be harder for him to lie in wait when you come home.
• Don't give up your passwords and allow him to eavesdrop on or, worse, control your online interactions. At minimum, always have accounts that you can use to contact friends or family for help. If you violate this rule, you can somewhat make up for it by changing your passwords before breaking up.

If anyone has suggestions for how to get out of bad BDSM relationships, please add them here or link to similar threads so that others can benefit in the future.

zz460 said:

In addition to what Seela said, I would add that there are some bad apples out there. Even if they are not rapist criminals, they can be very creepy indeed. For example, if you try to get out of the relationship, they can still hound and stalk you in real life or online.

It's very important to put your own safety first by making sure that you can make a clean getaway if things don't work out. This is especially important in the more extreme forms of BDSM, where the lifestyle is taken more seriously and extends outside of the bedroom. A couple of suggestions that come to mind are:

• Don't live together, so you aren't suddenly out on the street if things go south. If he has a key to your place, you'll be safer if you have roommates because it will be harder for him to lie in wait when you come home.
• Don't give up your passwords and allow him to eavesdrop on or, worse, control your online interactions. At minimum, always have accounts that you can use to contact friends or family for help. If you violate this rule, you can somewhat make up for it by changing your passwords before breaking up.

If anyone has suggestions for how to get out of bad BDSM relationships, please add them here or link to similar threads so that others can benefit in the future.

Click to expand...

I understand your message here, or the intent, but are you really meaning to state that couples engaged in a BDSM relationship should never live together?

BabblingBrooke said:

I understand your message here, or the intent, but are you really meaning to state that couples engaged in a BDSM relationship should never live together?

Click to expand...

When I read "don't live together", it reminded me of a post I saw on Fet the other day. A young woman about the OPs age started a thread asking how to explain to her family that she was moving in with her dominant... Whom she had yet to meet. This was all based on email conversations they'd had about eventually living under the same roof. The girl hadn't even met the man for coffee yet, and had mentally moved in. Because, ZOMG dominant.

WTF?

zz460 said:

In addition to what Seela said, I would add that there are some bad apples out there. Even if they are not rapist criminals, they can be very creepy indeed. For example, if you try to get out of the relationship, they can still hound and stalk you in real life or online.

Click to expand...

Just like in non-BDSM relationships.

It's very important to put your own safety first by making sure that you can make a clean getaway if things don't work out. This is especially important in the more extreme forms of BDSM, where the lifestyle is taken more seriously and extends outside of the bedroom.

Click to expand...

So... my relationship with my husband is more dangerous because BDSM?

A couple of suggestions that come to mind are:

• Don't live together, so you aren't suddenly out on the street if things go south. If he has a key to your place, you'll be safer if you have roommates because it will be harder for him to lie in wait when you come home.

Click to expand...

Should I move out or should he? Maybe we should just get divorced and forget the whole thing?

• Don't give up your passwords and allow him to eavesdrop on or, worse, control your online interactions. At minimum, always have accounts that you can use to contact friends or family for help. If you violate this rule, you can somewhat make up for it by changing your passwords before breaking up.

If anyone has suggestions for how to get out of bad BDSM relationships, please add them here or link to similar threads so that others can benefit in the future.

Click to expand...

I'm confused on why you felt the need to put this here. Abuse can happen whether BDSM is involved or not so this really just comes off as, "beware of the extra sick people involved in BDSM." Abuse CAN happen with BDSM involved, but this is some special fear mongering you've got going here.

This is from the stickies: http://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=9347961&postcount=3

Most of those links deal with general abuse and some deal specifically with BDSM related abuse.

OP, before getting into any relationship (BDSM or not) you hopefully will get to know the person (and even then no guarantees they won't be complete pricks behind closed doors) before engaging in a relationship with them. When looking for someone, do what you do in dating. It's just a relationship and BDSM is not some super secret society filled with psychopaths. We scoop kitty litter and pay taxes like everyone else.

What MeekMe said. I wish BDSM meant I didn't have to scoop kitty litter. Just treat it like dating. The rules aren't suddenly different unless you and a partner both agree to it.

CutieMouse said:

This was all based on email conversations they'd had about eventually living under the same roof. The girl hadn't even met the man for coffee yet, and had mentally moved in. Because, ZOMG dominant.

Click to expand...

Considering the average relationship length these days, the traditional approach doesn't really generate good results either it seems.

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Oh, FYI

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