The Healthy Obsession.

CandiCame said:

And you're not, and I feel like this needs to be rectified.

But you don't have to explain it to me if you don't want.

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I'll help ya. After reading you for a bit of time, I've come to the conclusion that you're a materialist. Your whole meaning of existence is to have orgasms.

Libsam said:

I'll help ya. After reading you for a bit of time, I've come to the conclusion that you're a materialist. Your whole meaning of existence is to have orgasms.

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It absolutely is not.
I mean... I like other material things. Literally anything that gives that dopamine rush.

CandiCame said:

It absolutely is not.
I mean... I like other material things. Literally anything that gives that dopamine rush.

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I think that that is probably the root of differences between people. Which neurotransmitter that they enjoy the most. For me I think it's norepinephrine. I like the acuity.

I don't generally chase dopamine. I mean I'll take it as a side dish but I don't chase it.

Que said:

I think that that is probably the root of differences between people. Which neurotransmitter that they enjoy the most. For me I think it's norepinephrine. I like the acuity.

I don't generally chase dopamine. I mean I'll take it as a side dish but I don't chase it.

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Don't PANIC get MANIC.

Wait if you have really high norepinephrine, why do you think I type fast?

CandiCame said:

Don't PANIC get MANIC.

Wait if you have really high norepinephrine, why do you think I type fast?

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ADHD. You probably had a slight stammer when young attributable to pressured speech.

Que said:

ADHD. You probably had a slight stammer when young attributable to pressured speech.

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I meant that you should be faster than me.
But also, incorrect. I've never had a stammer, but I did have a speech abnormality and I bet you can guess it if you try real real hard.

Edit: Never diagnosed with ADHD either, but I'm honestly with you on that one. But I don't like self diagnosis and nobody diagnosed me so I'm not gonna say that I had it. I've got so many symptoms but fuck me, I guess.

CandiCame said:

Like I've been to parties that were specifically set up for that situation. You have to know your environment. Like yeah, at work you feel the waters out first- but still like... for a day. I'm really not feeling this 'several weeks to a year' thing for a bunch of reasons- but if you're in a situation like a party or a gathering or music festival or any number of situations where it's socially acceptable to ask for casual sex then you can just do that. Like you acting like that's not a thing is confusing to me.

...

And I also think the rejection would hurt more because it seems like you're kind of committing before the commitment. And to me, that seems like setting yourself up for disappointment.

....

Like, she's not gonna be fucking psychic. So I don't get why there's sitting around doing nothing for weeks at a time. It just seems to me that that's gonna result in 1: her not knowing you even want her and just picking one of the many, many other options available to her and 2: you getting way more emotionally invested than you need to be, and according to the person I'm quoting maybe getting so invested that you'll kill yourself over it? Over unrequited love that you didn't even act on??

Like I feel like you don't get to do that because it's your fault?? The whole mindset is just buckwild to me.

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You're absolutely right on most of it because it is kind of weird indeed, especially the silent crush part. That is as dumb as it sounds, and create all kinds of shit, but it does happen a lot. Some people are exceptionally good at hating themselves in as complex way as possible and then acting like that should be considered something beautiful. And then you'll be going along and bang the chick and they will attack you behind the corner for like no reason.

Actually, in my original post I assumed stance that I don't believe can be 100% truthful and used thick colors to get the point across highlighting the difference, and as it often happens failed at that because people overreact. And my signaling that I present a stance not a true opinion got lost because that's another culture difference, around here its still rather normal that what people talk and think are two very different things as is what is supposed to happen and what actually happen, but English speaking seems blind to that sort of thing, or I'm too bad at language to get it across.

However a lot of people don't or at least act like they couldn't separate sex from romance indeed. I do a bit envy the ease you do it, but then there an aspect that revolts against it like that's putting something important in danger, although that may not be anything real.

Around here right when I was growing up there was a book about love as a thing that pretended to be scientific and got extra traction because soviet regime on its last gasp tried to ban it. According to it (and sorry if I use words wrong, translating) lust feeds pool of desire, and overflow of the desire feeds love, and once set up enough love becomes a little perpetual engine that can feed back down desire endlessly. From that, a period of teasing abstinence at the start should in theory be beneficial for the resulting relationship and ensure its longevity. But sure it's only relevant if one does indeed pursue lasting relationship, if one is instead going for casual sex it will have less consequences if consummated as quickly as possible.

Some of you have gone deep on this , but the OP was framed from a more self-centered pov.

Is having a sexual soft target on your mind good for one’s overall sense of well-being?

Notcastor said:

Some of you have gone deep on this , but the OP was framed from a more self-centered pov.

Is having a sexual soft target on your mind good for one’s overall sense of well-being?

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I'm gonna keep going with "no". What you've described sounds like a self-imposed hell for a coward who can't ask a girl out because of his cowardice centered around a fear of rejection because he let himself get emotionally invested in something that he didn't even know was real or not.

But I've been pretty clear on that, so idk how other people feel about it.

I sure as hell don't see how it can be good for you. You, yourself, used the word "obsession". And in your scenario, you're obsessing over someone YOU HAVEN'T EVEN ASKED OUT. Like you framed it as sexual, but it's actually romantic, so you're emotionally invested- to a crazy degree- in something that isn't real.

That's gonna fuck you up, and it's gonna fuck her up, because now she's not a person, she's a fantasy. That's not good for anyone, because if she DOES agree to go out with you, you've got all these preconceived fantasies in your head of what you're gonna WANT her to be, and that might not be the case.

It just sounds like you've created a clusterfuck in your head and I just... still don't understand why. I don't get why this is a thing that needs to exist when you could, at ANY TIME, just FUCKING ASK HER OUT.

Unless it's that you LIKE the fantasy more than the actual person, and you're cool with obsessing over a fantasy version of a person for- again, a freakily unhealthy period of time- and that is like... idk man, go to therapy and work through that. That's how stalkers form. Obsession is BAD. There's no good kind of obsession, but like... on the spectrum from "bad to possible serial killer" you're sliding down because this is over a person, not like, a movie you really like or something like that. This shit could become dangerous.

JUST ASK THE BITCH OUT. FOR YOUR SANITY.

CandiCame said:

I'm gonna keep going with "no". What you've described sounds like a self-imposed hell for a coward who can't ask a girl out because of his cowardice centered around a fear of rejection because he let himself get emotionally invested in something that he didn't even know was real or not.

But I've been pretty clear on that, so idk how other people feel about it.

I sure as hell don't see how it can be good for you. You, yourself, used the word "obsession". And in your scenario, you're obsessing over someone YOU HAVEN'T EVEN ASKED OUT. Like you framed it as sexual, but it's actually romantic, so you're emotionally invested- to a crazy degree- in something that isn't real.

That's gonna fuck you up, and it's gonna fuck her up, because now she's not a person, she's a fantasy. That's not good for anyone, because if she DOES agree to go out with you, you've got all these preconceived fantasies in your head of what you're gonna WANT her to be, and that might not be the case.

It just sounds like you've created a clusterfuck in your head and I just... still don't understand why. I don't get why this is a thing that needs to exist when you could, at ANY TIME, just FUCKING ASK HER OUT.

Unless it's that you LIKE the fantasy more than the actual person, and you're cool with obsessing over a fantasy version of a person for- again, a freakily unhealthy period of time- and that is like... idk man, go to therapy and work through that. That's how stalkers form. Obsession is BAD. There's no good kind of obsession, but like... on the spectrum from "bad to possible serial killer" you're sliding down because this is over a person, not like, a movie you really like or something like that. This shit could become dangerous.

JUST ASK THE BITCH OUT. FOR YOUR SANITY.

Click to expand...

You seem to be having trouble considering the question as a stand-alone proposition, but i do hear you saying it’s bad bad not good.

Does this apply to jerking off to Megan Fox or Ivanka as well?

LupusDei said:

You're absolutely right on most of it because it is kind of weird indeed, especially the silent crush part. That is as dumb as it sounds, and create all kinds of shit, but it does happen a lot. Some people are exceptionally good at hating themselves in as complex way as possible and then acting like that should be considered something beautiful. And then you'll be going along and bang the chick and they will attack you behind the corner for like no reason.

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Here's the thing- now that I know what he's talking about, which he explained super poorly- yeah, it does sound like self-loathing, like you're describing here. It sounds like he's hating himself because he's too chickenshit to ask a pretty girl on a date like he's in middle school, and wants other people to agree that that's a good thing for some reason. Which, I suspect, is why he made the original post confusing. Because one he spelled it out, any normal adult is gonna be like, "Dude just ask her out. The fuck is wrong with you?"

As far as whether or not it happens a lot, I'll tell you that it has happened to me before, but every other person in the situation considered the guy who did it to me (I was the... I don't wanna say 'girl' but I was the person he had a crush on) to be a creepy fucker. I had just "broken up" (I don't consider what I was in a real relationship) and this guy, we'll call him A, had a crush on me. I had NO WAY of knowing this. But I got into a huge dramatic fight with the guy I had been fucking, at a party- I used to... in college I pretty much had a constant party, so just accept that I had a really unhealthy lifestyle- in front of a bunch of people. A lot of those people offered to stay the night in case he came back, and during that night, W, who became my next boyfriend, asked if I wanted to have sex. I did. Boom. Done. I liked him. We started dating.

This other guy, A, followed my ass everywhere. He was really nice to me, but he never once asked me out or gave any indication that he liked me that could not be mistaken for friendship. Like he gave me stuff, but not creepy shit, just in a 'we play D&D together so do you want these Dritzt books I'm getting rid of'? Like there was never even any indication that this dude was gay, which, let's be real- SPELL THAT OUT FOR A BITCH WHO LIVES IN AN AREA WITH HATE CRIME.

Anyway, when he did eventually tell me- SEVERAL WEEKS LATER, he had shown up, uninvited, to a movie that me, W, and a bunch of friends had gone to. This was, btw, a movie that W didn't even want to see, because it was I can't remember some movie that had magic in it and he thought Jesus would hate him for it, but he went because I wanted to go, and he was already banging a guy so in for a penny in for a pound kind of deal. Point is, he saw some ass and he wanted it, and he was willing to do shit he didn't even want to do to get it, so OF COURSE I was gonna pick him. I had already picked him, and there was no indication that A was even an option. Well, A showed up and asked me to ride home with him, and I was like, "No, no I'm... I'm gonna get fucked by my boyfriend. This one. Right here. That I have. I'll see you later, though. He just pissed off his god for me, so I've actually gotta get moving because I've got 'you made Jesus mad for me' levels of sex to do. I gotta do the weird stuff."

Then he told me he loved me. And that he'd been sitting on this for weeks. For... no reason. In front of the group.

So... fuck that guy, right? Like fuck him? Like we all agree on that? Because what the fuck are you supposed to say to that? Like, "Oh, dude that sucks. Why... why do you... I'm... we're gonna leave now. Away from you. Don't come to the D&D game saturday, because you're an asshole and now no one in this group wants you there. Don't talk to me or my boyfriend ever again."

OP IS that guy. And anyone who has ever been pursued has this story. I don't know a woman who doesn't have this story. I don't know a twink who doesn't have this story. So yeah, I guess it really does happen all the time- but it happens all the time only to a very small segment of the population who think they are entitled to other people's affection, who think that other people have to be fantasies that they've built up in their heads- and that's not a lot of people, but it is the creepiest kind of people, so they do stick out in your mind.

A lot of women/guys have this story ABOUT THE SAME GUY. And A was that guy, but no one thought to tell me beforehand because it was usually chicks he did it to so there was no indication it would be me. And he had done some straight-up CREEPY shit to those chicks. Like he was stalking me and I just didn't know it because I didn't think it was weird I kept running into him, and I just... I don't know I lived a life at the time that I'm amazed I lived through. I was super used to if I, say, ran into someone at a coffee shop and they paid for my order that wasn't super weird to me. It was very much a, "Oh, thanks, I'll get the next one." Kind of thing.

But it's not NORMAL. Normal human people don't work like that, which is why when someone does it, it's fucking creepy. And then you think back to all the interactions you've had with a person like that, and you're like, "Oh holy shit how did I not see that he was obsessed with me? I coulda been raped and murdered." You're never like, "Oh I'm so glad that guy was obsessed with me and just kept it to himself and let it get worse and worse."

There should not be a thrill of the chase, because we're not predators and women/guys are not prey to be pursued. You should talk like normal human people and not get emotionally invested in someone who might not want you. It is ALWAYS a bad thing.

LupusDei said:

Actually, in my original post I assumed stance that I don't believe can be 100% truthful and used thick colors to get the point across highlighting the difference, and as it often happens failed at that because people overreact. And my signaling that I present a stance not a true opinion got lost because that's another culture difference, around here its still rather normal that what people talk and think are two very different things as is what is supposed to happen and what actually happen, but English speaking seems blind to that sort of thing, or I'm too bad at language to get it across.

Click to expand...

I mean, to be fair, I am too stupid for that kind of 3D chess bullshit. That's part of the reason I just don't fuck with people who do that. Spell shit out for me because I just... both can't and won't do that. Say what you mean or expect me to believe you mean what you say. You're under no obligation to do that, but if you don't, I'll get confused. Maybe not other people, but I, in particular, will just take everything you say at face value, because that is what most folks tend to do and I'm not smart enough for mind games. That's another one of those things that takes a lot of mental energy and I just don't fucking have it to give.

LupusDei said:

However a lot of people don't or at least act like they couldn't separate sex from romance indeed. I do a bit envy the ease you do it, but then there an aspect that revolts against it like that's putting something important in danger, although that may not be anything real.

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I don't know what separating two completely separate things puts in danger. I just genuinely don't understand what you're trying to say here. I'm sorry.

LupusDei said:

Around here right when I was growing up there was a book about love as a thing that pretended to be scientific and got extra traction because soviet regime on its last gasp tried to ban it. According to it (and sorry if I use words wrong, translating) lust feeds pool of desire, and overflow of the desire feeds love, and once set up enough love becomes a little perpetual engine that can feed back down desire endlessly. From that, a period of teasing abstinence at the start should in theory be beneficial for the resulting relationship and ensure its longevity. But sure it's only relevant if one does indeed pursue lasting relationship, if one is instead going for casual sex it will have less consequences if consummated as quickly as possible.

Click to expand...

This sounds like straight-up bullshit. Love comes from a social connection, not a physical one. If it took sex to form love you couldn't form familial bonds. Romantic love isn't special. Like if someone told you to choose between killing your beloved mother and beloved wife that should be a DIFFICULT choice. But you shouldn't be fucking your mom. That makes no sense, for lust to be REQUIRED for love.

Asexual people exist, and date, and get married, and sometimes even engage in sex so they can become parents or whatever. They never feel lust, as a thing. But they can fall deeply in love. Lust and love have jack shit to do with each other.

If we based our love around how much lust we felt... our whole society would fall apart because no one would ever form lasting relationships. Lust only lasts for about 3 months, but the average marriage lasts for about 4 years. Because people don't need lust to live. I don't get why yhall are acting like sex is important in any way. That's the major disconnect here. It's not. The emotional bond is important, because you can't get an emotional bond with yourself. You can jack off, if you want. Like... sex is just a fun thing to do together.

Like sex is a drive that, at it's core, exists to perpetuate the species, similar to any survival instinct. If we pair that drive with one on an individual level, like hunger, you can see what I'm talking about. It's more fun to go out to eat with a partner or group, but if you're just hungry you can just eat. You're not going to die from not going out with the group, and you're not going to die from just jacking off instead of going to an orgy. One is just more fun than the other. All sex is something fun to do. It's not magic. It's not going to create relationships.

And if we use that as our guide to determine love, then no one will ever love anyone, because lust is not MEANT to be sustained. It's not MEANT to be our perpetual state of being any more than hunger or thirst are supposed to be sustained. You're supposed to just kinda find a fun way to meet that need and then keep going. And if no one wants to play with you, just jack off.

Romantic relationships are meant to be sustained. You have to put work and effort into them. They're important. Part of that work is meeting needs, and for me, I have a decently high sex drive, so I do consider sexual compatibility important, but it's not a deal breaker. I could go the rest of my life without sex and I wouldn't really care that much. And that's from someone who loves sex. So...

I don't think I'm ever going to understand this mindset, because I find it like... well, really fucking creepy, basically torture, and at it's core dangerous. The shit OP is talking about seems like it can go real bad real fast. I don't see what positive anyone is getting out of it.

And I think at it's core it's because it's making lust and sex out to be some big important thing that needs to be built up to in some way and not just like... a fun activity that you can do if you want.

But sex IS just a fun activity that you can do if you want. Out of a shitton of other fun activities that you can do if you want. Sex is great because it's almost free and in its simplest form requires almost no equipment or anything, but it's not... magic. It doesn't have the power that yhall seem to be giving it. It's just fun.

And me knowing that is the reason that I can just say, "Do you wanna have sex" like I can say, "Do you wanna get some ice cream/join my D&D group/go bungee jumping/any other fun activity?"

Because they're the same goddamn thing.

Notcastor said:

You seem to be having trouble considering the question as a stand-alone proposition, but i do hear you saying it’s bad bad not good.

Does this apply to jerking off to Megan Fox or Ivanka as well?

Click to expand...

Only if you start actually considering them romantic partners. Like... celebrties do get stalkers because of this mindset that you've presented.

There's a difference between, "This girl is pretty, I'd fuck her, I'll jack off thinking about it." In that case, I just... question your taste because it's completely different from mine, but you do you.

But that's not what you've presented. You've presented, "I'm going to eventually pursue this person as a romantic partner." And if THAT'S the mindset, then these folks have to hire bodyguards, because that mindset leads to Bjork getting bombs mailed to her by crazy motherfuckers.

Not to keep harping on this, but thinking about the stuff that's been presented in this thread, this difference in mindset might really be why millenials have less sex than older people.

Because I feel like a mindset that prioritizes sex or mixes it with romance would lead to situations where people have sex for fucked-up reasons and thus have it more often.

Like if you feel like sex is part of a romantic relationship, you might be like, "Oh shit, we haven't had sex in a while. That must mean that we don't love each other. I don't want to have sex, but I better ask her or she'll think I don't love her."

Or even like, at extremes, "I won't take no for an answer because if she loved me she'd fuck me." Which would be coupled with the above mindset of, "If I don't fuck him he'll think I don't love him."

And then if you're in a situation where you felt like you had to prove your relationship was "real"- like you were gay and wanted to get married, and you felt like sex was linked to romance, you'd have even MORE external pressure to do that as some kind of validation.

So I could see how you'd have more sex- but it'd be really weird and, to me, kind of awful, and you'd never know if the person was saying "Yeah, let's have sex" because they genuinely wanted to, or because there was some kind of pressure, like they were using it as a reward for you, or as proof of the relationship, or as a mask for their own romantic insecurities, or for a bunch of other shit that had a lot of baggage attached to it that would taint the experience.

And to me... it's better to just jack off than to have that kind of sex. And if it's that way, as I suspect it is, for a BUNCH of people my age, then... yeah, we're not having a lot of sex compared to people who have a lot of fucked-up sex because we don't have sex for mindfuck reasons, just when we enthusiastically want to have sex.

The point keeps flying over your head at Mach2.

The object of one’s mild obsession is irrelevant.

The question for the cyber crowd is whether having a “target” to tickle your fancy is good for your overall sense of well being... or not.

Notcastor said:

The point keeps flying over your head at Mach2.

The object of one’s mild obsession is irrelevant.

The question for the cyber crowd is whether having a “target” to tickle your fancy is good for your overall sense of well being... or not.

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I super don't think you're ever gonna get the answer you want that makes that idea not creepy, but I am gonna keep checking back just in case.

CandiCame said:

I super don't think you're ever gonna get the answer you want that makes that idea not creepy, but I am gonna keep checking back just in case.

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If you think it’s unhealthy or creepy to quietly consider a potential sex partner, that’s your right and I thank you for expressing your view.

Notcastor said:

If you think it’s unhealthy or creepy to quietly consider a potential sex partner, that’s your right and I thank you for expressing your view.

Click to expand...

You went from "obsession" to "mild obsession" to "quietly considering" trying to make it seem less creepy over time but like... it's not a verbal conversation. It's written down. People can see that progression as you came to the realization that no one was ever going to have a positive view of the situation as you originally expressed it.

CandiCame said:

You went from "obsession" to "mild obsession" to "quietly considering" trying to make it seem less creepy over time but like... it's not a verbal conversation. It's written down. People can see that progression as you came to the realization that no one was ever going to have a positive view of the situation as you originally expressed it.

Click to expand...

What other people think is up to them to post, but again, thanks for expressing your views.

Notcastor said:

Some of you have gone deep on this , but the OP was framed from a more self-centered pov.

Is having a sexual soft target on your mind good for one’s overall sense of well-being?

Click to expand...

Of course. It's as good a raison d'etre as any.

It's a primal drive.

Notcastor said:

What other people think is up to them to post, but again, thanks for expressing your views.

Click to expand...

Candicame is a self-confessed catfisher of men on the General Board. Its moral high ground is at sea level or below.

Ann_Tagonist said:

Candicame is a self-confessed catfisher of men on the General Board. Its moral high ground is at sea level or below.

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Your post is a great source of irony, bert.

Doods here be so bitchy/judgy. Homos?

Ann_Tagonist said:

Candicame is a self-confessed catfisher of men on the General Board. Its moral high ground is at sea level or below.

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I've never seen someone so mad about fake sex. I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOUR BOYFRIENDS BALLS TASTE LIKE, FOR FUCK'S SAKE.

Edit: Also, it was years ago. And I don't think it even happened. Let it go, goddamn.

Notcastor said:

I’ll give an example for the remedial posters.

There’s a woman i come into contact with 2-3 times a week during the work day.

I find her arousing. I believe she’s interested. Maybe sometime she’ll wind up riding my cock.

In the meantime, I enjoy thinking about how that might happen. Thinking about various ways of luring her out of her clothes puts we in a state of mind I enjoy.

Having a fresh target on radar provides a steady flow of cock-centric thoughts that seem to induce a pleasant state if being.

Click to expand...

This is exactly my favorite state of being as well. I prefer it to actually fucking, even.

CandiCame said:

I'm gonna keep going with "no". What you've described sounds like a self-imposed hell for a coward who can't ask a girl out because of his cowardice centered around a fear of rejection because he let himself get emotionally invested in something that he didn't even know was real or not.

But I've been pretty clear on that, so idk how other people feel about it.

I sure as hell don't see how it can be good for you. You, yourself, used the word "obsession". And in your scenario, you're obsessing over someone YOU HAVEN'T EVEN ASKED OUT. Like you framed it as sexual, but it's actually romantic, so you're emotionally invested- to a crazy degree- in something that isn't real.

That's gonna fuck you up, and it's gonna fuck her up, because now she's not a person, she's a fantasy. That's not good for anyone, because if she DOES agree to go out with you, you've got all these preconceived fantasies in your head of what you're gonna WANT her to be, and that might not be the case.

It just sounds like you've created a clusterfuck in your head and I just... still don't understand why. I don't get why this is a thing that needs to exist when you could, at ANY TIME, just FUCKING ASK HER OUT.

Unless it's that you LIKE the fantasy more than the actual person, and you're cool with obsessing over a fantasy version of a person for- again, a freakily unhealthy period of time- and that is like... idk man, go to therapy and work through that. That's how stalkers form. Obsession is BAD. There's no good kind of obsession, but like... on the spectrum from "bad to possible serial killer" you're sliding down because this is over a person, not like, a movie you really like or something like that. This shit could become dangerous.

JUST ASK THE BITCH OUT. FOR YOUR SANITY.

Click to expand...

Maybe this is the case for single people. But this is a pleasurable state for me and I'm married. Maybe it's pleasurable because it's as far as a crush can go these days? But it's like middle school and having a crush... Only more sexy fantasies. My problem is stopping the flirting. Apparently dudes don't enjoy being led on.