Need to talk to Others about Sexless Marriage

Hi Guys and Gals. I'm not sure if this is the right forum, but I really hope to talk to others struggling with similar problems - that of living in a sexless marriage. I'm very open-minded and kinky. My wife is sadly inhibited and reserved. I tried to open up to her about my bisexual fantasies and other fantasies. She said it made her uncomfortable. I feel alone.

If there are others out there who can relate, can you say "Hi" and maybe send me a PM? I'm lonely.

Happy New Year

rik_steele said:

Hi Guys and Gals. I'm not sure if this is the right forum, but I really hope to talk to others struggling with similar problems - that of living in a sexless marriage. I'm very open-minded, kinky, and love taboo. My wife is sadly inhibited and reserved. I tried to open up to her about my bisexual fantasies and other fantasies. She said it made her uncomfortable. I feel alone.

If there are others out there who can relate, can you say "Hi" and maybe send me a PM? I'm lonely.

Happy New Year

Click to expand...

Hi....you are not alone.

Definitely not alone

Thanks Dom24
Thanks RiverKnight

There used to be a huge thread on this subject. It was a hookup for married people or something but it turned into more of a place where people could talk about issues. I haven't seen it around, maybe someone else can post it if they find it, but you might try this one in the mean time.

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=854289&page=6

You have my sympathy

rik_steele said:

Hi Guys and Gals. I'm not sure if this is the right forum, but I really hope to talk to others struggling with similar problems - that of living in a sexless marriage. I'm very open-minded, kinky, and love taboo. My wife is sadly inhibited and reserved. I tried to open up to her about my bisexual fantasies and other fantasies. She said it made her uncomfortable. I feel alone.

If there are others out there who can relate, can you say "Hi" and maybe send me a PM? I'm lonely.

Happy New Year

Click to expand...

My wife and I have a great relationship and she allows me to be "agony uncle" to several women online (only - no meeting, no touching). I currently talk to four women in the thirties and early forties where their husbands just don't do it for them. One husband does nothing at all, two are poor lovers.
One of my previous partners had a husband disinterested in sex and she was astonished to find out that there were men who wanted it.

It seems to me if we were honest that a lot of marriages are a mismatch when it comes to sexuality.

Sadly it comes down to how long are you prepared to be unfulfilled, as she is unlikely to change.

JamesRTickit said:

My wife and I have a great relationship and she allows me to be "agony uncle" to several women online (only - no meeting, no touching). I currently talk to four women in the thirties and early forties where their husbands just don't do it for them. One husband does nothing at all, two are poor lovers.
One of my previous partners had a husband disinterested in sex and she was astonished to find out that there were men who wanted it.

It seems to me if we were honest that a lot of marriages are a mismatch when it comes to sexuality.

Sadly it comes down to how long are you prepared to be unfulfilled, as she is unlikely to change.

Click to expand...

20+ years and counting. Sex is her way, and only her way. Which is infrequent and uninspired.

I don't think we've had sex since the Bush administration. She has absolutely zero interest. So naturally, my drive has been higher than ever. Been married almost 25 years.

Thanks Everyone

Thanks everyone. It really helps reading your responses, and knowing that I am not alone in this, that there are others going through the same as I am.

rik_steele said:

Thanks everyone. It really helps reading your responses, and knowing that I am not alone in this, that there are others going through the same as I am.

Click to expand...

I guess I'll step in here as the only woman except Ice Princess so far. I've been in a sexless marriage for 12 years, but I'm finally done and getting out. Divorce should be final by early March. It's not the only reason I'm finally leaving, but it's something I realize I should have done years ago.

All I can say is that when you've had enough, then do what's best for you. You are not responsible for anyone's happiness other than your own. It took me a long time to realize this and now, it's time to find what makes me happy.

Happy New Year

AKentuckyLady said:

I guess I'll step in here as the only woman except Ice Princess so far. I've been in a sexless marriage for 12 years, but I'm finally done and getting out. Divorce should be final by early March. It's not the only reason I'm finally leaving, but it's something I realize I should have done years ago.

All I can say is that when you've had enough, then do what's best for you. You are not responsible for anyone's happiness other than your own. It took me a long time to realize this and now, it's time to find what makes me happy.

Happy New Year

Click to expand...

Excellent advice.

Good for you

AKentuckyLady said:

I guess I'll step in here as the only woman except Ice Princess so far. I've been in a sexless marriage for 12 years, but I'm finally done and getting out. Divorce should be final by early March. It's not the only reason I'm finally leaving, but it's something I realize I should have done years ago.

All I can say is that when you've had enough, then do what's best for you. You are not responsible for anyone's happiness other than your own. It took me a long time to realize this and now, it's time to find what makes me happy.

Happy New Year

Click to expand...

Hanging on in an unhappy marriage is poison - been there done that

.......

RubenesqueAphrodite said:

if sexual incompatibilities are the only issue, that is not, IMO, reason enough to ditch a partnership.

I ended my marriage for several reasons, sexual incompatibility being one of them. However, in my case, that withdrawal of intimacy was a product of other, deeper problems we could not overcome.

I would advise making sure that all other areas of your marriage are healthy first. Then examine the sex life. No need throwing the baby out with the bath water, so to speak.

You may find out there are other underlying causes to your differing sexual appetites. Work on those first. When you're both 80, you aren't going to care if she likes certain types of sex or needs it twice a day. You're going to want the bond that developed for other reasons.

Sex is great, healing, bonding, but it's only one piece of the puzzle required to sustain a partnership such as marriage.

I hope this helps a little.
I know it's difficult.

Click to expand...

Beautifully stated. And very, very good advice.

AKentuckyLady said:

I guess I'll step in here as the only woman except Ice Princess so far. I've been in a sexless marriage for 12 years, but I'm finally done and getting out. Divorce should be final by early March. It's not the only reason I'm finally leaving, but it's something I realize I should have done years ago.

All I can say is that when you've had enough, then do what's best for you. You are not responsible for anyone's happiness other than your own. It took me a long time to realize this and now, it's time to find what makes me happy.

Happy New Year

Click to expand...

I'm right there with you and Ice. I'm in a sexless marriage. It's awful

Wow. Didn't realize it was that common. I can really relate. Got out of my relationship 4 months ago. Much happier and relieved!! Still sexless tho.

I'm sorry you're going through that. It's really difficult when you try to talk to your partner/spouse and they just don't want to try anything with you. I had a similar problem with my ex-husband...I told him about my fantasies, like wanting to role play, for him to wear a suit and so on...he always agreed but nothing happened. I even asked him to be my daddy and he seemed excited at first but then did nothing about it. I even told him that it'd be hot if he hooked up with another woman and then told me about it. It would turn me on. But no...

You're not alone. I think it's really brave that you told her about your fantasies. Sadly many women are repressed and ashamed of their sexuality because of the dumb society we live in where women can only be either be good or bad - pure (non-sexual) or dirty (sexually confident). I know lots of women who don't even touch themselves, never have or don't want the guy to touch them or get them off.

If she was up to it, I'd suggest a sex therapist, but maybe she won't even consider it...



I wish I could help more.

Sorry to hear of your struggles.

Sex seems to have this unique status in many relationships whereby it is expected to occur only within the context of both partners being spontaneously enthusiastic and interested. When that is not the case the disinterested partner takes the view that their lack of interest is unto itself an adequate excuse. I don't buy that at least not over time. Sex is an integral and important part of marriage. In the absence of real physical or mental incapacity, failing to engage in sexual activity with your partner is a betrayal of the marital commitment.

Obviously people will have different views as to how much sex is realistic. But there does come a point where neglect is occurring and at that point I think you are entitled to transition from discussing needs and desires to calling out your partner for not holding up their end of the bargain.

I for one enjoy sex with my husband, but I still take care of him when I am not in the mood. He'll go spend two hours trimming the hedges when he doesn't want to and doesn't think it needs to be done just because I ask. On what basis can I then refuse a 5 minute blowjob? So what if I am not in the mood.....he wasn't in the mood to trim the hedges either but he did it for me. And he's not some jerk in a bar, he is my loving husband. Yes he is entitled to expect sex from me......not on demand or always on his terms but regular good, loving affectionate sex.

Also I think we each have to make our own determination as to whether the lack of sexual activity is a deal breaker. Of course ending a relationship due to lack of sex is not something to be taken lightly and you should look at all aspects of the relationship. But I don't accept the premise that there is some generalized truth that it isn't a good enough reason to end it. Assuming a spouse has heard your concerns and still refuses to do anything about it there are at least two problems in the relationship - no sex and selfishness. Now as you seek your own happiness make sure you are realistic about what would actually transpire if you end the relationship as opposed to some idealized version of what the next relationship will be like. But ultimately if the lack of sex is truly a barrier to your happiness then that is the reality - it isn't for any of us to tell you that it shouldn't be.

In my mind this sometimes becomes a feminist or gender equality issue. Its not. We aren't talking about a guy expecting something from a woman who has no connection to him we are talking about a guy expecting the woman to whom he has devoted himself and who made an explicit commitment to him to keep it.

.....

It's very confusing for me. I guess I'm the one that gave up on the sex. I opened up to her about my bisexual fantasies, and confided in her about some bisexual experiences I had in college, and she was worried. She would let me have my fantasies and really went along with it just to make me happy. But it was like she was tolerating that aspect of me, not celebrating it. It made me feel very isolated, and I withdrew. I just withdrew further into myself. What was really bad was when we did have sex it was always me on top in the missionary position. I would get tired. I asked her if she could be on top but she would say that her knees hurt. And 12 years of marriage I've only received a blowjob once. I'm left feeling that she thinks my cum is disgusting or tastes bad. Again causing me to further withdraw into myself. I wish I could have somebody to share all these parts myself with. The really hard thing is is that most everything else in our marriage is great. We're friendly like to hang out and watch Netflix on the couch. I'm so torn.

On a lighter note… Are there any girls out there that can dig my quirks? I'd love a PM. This is not just some lame guys attempt at getting women to send him messages. I genuinely want to connect with someone.

To all the ladies that have replied above, thank you so very much. If you all took the time to write caring replies. It means so much to me.

You would think that sex is rust part of the equation, but it can overwhelm other aspects of your relationship. My wife actually hates sex...the last couple times, knowing this, I could not even get completely hard. Sex is a sharing/giving act. It takes two to make it bonding, one to drive a wedge. It is not the be all end all of a relationship breaker, but it coming close. I have only so many days in this life and how I choose to spend them is really up to me

I have stopped trying with her...it gets to the point I would just rather go to am pics and just masturbate.

-------

-------

rik_steele said:

It's very confusing for me. I guess I'm the one that gave up on the sex. I opened up to her about my bisexual fantasies, and confided in her about some bisexual experiences I had in college, and she was worried. She would let me have my fantasies and really went along with it just to make me happy. But it was like she was tolerating that aspect of me, not celebrating it. It made me feel very isolated, and I withdrew. I wanted to get into daddy daughter fantasies with her. But she flatly rejected that. I just withdrew further into myself. What was really bad was when we did have sex it was always me on top in the missionary position. I would get tired. I asked her if she could be on top but she would say that her knees hurt. And 12 years of marriage I've only received a blowjob once. I'm left feeling that she thinks my cum is disgusting or tastes bad. Again causing me to further withdraw into myself. I wish I could have somebody to share all these parts myself with. The really hard thing is is that most everything else in our marriage is great. We're friendly like to hang out and watch Netflix on the couch. I'm so torn.

On a lighter note… Are there any girls out there that can dig my quirks? I'd love a PM. This is not just some lame guys attempt at getting women to send him messages. I genuinely want to connect with someone.

To all the ladies that have replied above, thank you so very much. If you all took the time to write caring replies. It means so much to me.

Click to expand...

I read this and parts just made me sad. First, cum isn't nasty. Or gross. At least I don't think so. And I know many who share that sentiment. And I'm sorry you have withdrawn from her and possibly the reality of it all.

I'm married in a sexless marriage. Ours is different in that we both still enjoy sex. We both still want sex. I just won't have sex with him. And I'm not withholding sex. I just don't like him touching me any longer. He leaves 100% of all household duties. Lawncare and raising a Grandson up to me. When he comes home from work he sits and rests. I work and work . I don't stop until I turn in around midnight. And I'm exhausted. Talking has been to no avail. So until he can step up to the plate and at least mow the durn grass he won't be touching me. I hate saying that. It sounds so harsh. But how the heck can any man just sit back and watch his wife running like a race horse and working like a mule. I hope your situation will improve.

FelicityJohns said:

I agree with this, and it works in the reverse as well.

I hear too often still (a bit surprising in this day and age) that it is less an issue if the husband isn't providing what his wife needs.WRONG. Equal partnership, no double standards.

It all goes back to what LostBabyGirl is saying. If I as a female want, seek and participate, it makes me dirty.

Needing something doesn't make us dirty. It makes us human.

In addition, neglect is a powerful and insidious form of emotional abuse.

Click to expand...

I agree. I am somewhat surprised that you hear of it being less of an issue if the husband is providing what his wife needs. I believe you of course, that is just different from my experience. In my observation a woman not providing what her man needs may receive negative male feedback but most women will be sympathetic and assume there is some good reason. When the opposite occurs both men and women will see the underperforming husband in a very negative way - up to and including other guys trying to get into his wife's pants. Women may be less inclined to say openly disparaging things then men but men for all their strength and bravado can be absolutely crushed by a simple look that says they are less manly than others.

I think that as women we think of the harshness of the terms used whereas men think in terms of the harshness of their implied inadequacy. A man would rather endure every other harsh insult imagineable than be politely told that he is sexually inadequate.

I do fully share the perspective on the fact that when we want and seek sex we are deemed dirty. I think a lot of that is rooted in male self delusion. The reality that we do have desire and it is just as expansive and varied as male desire can be very threatening to a "traditional" man and trying to shame us is a means of constraint as much as anything.