Need helpful input (group sex)

AlinaX said:

The shift to third person at the end is weird. You really need a section break before the POV switch.

Click to expand...

AlinaX said:

All you really need is something to break the flow, e.g.:

-------------

... The night just keeps getting better and better.

*

Outside, Kryss turns the headlights off on his car. ...

Click to expand...

AlinaX said:

All you really need is something to break the flow, e.g.:

-------------

... The night just keeps getting better and better.

*

Outside, Kryss turns the headlights off on his car. ...

Click to expand...

KindofHere said:

Third Person Switch:

It wasn't a third person switch. That paragraph is still being told by Ashleigh.


Outside, Kryss turns the headlights off on his car. Creeping through the darkness, he pulls up and parks across the street from Brenda's house. With Brenda's bedroom curtains closed, there's no way for us to see his red Mustang parked in the street, scoping out the all-girls party.


That "us" in the first of the last three paragraphs where Kryss is the focus tells me Ashleigh is still narrating because Ashleigh knows what is going on outside his/her space. The following two paragraphs is just a continuation of Ashleigh describing a scene he/she is not in. If anything, Ashleigh has become first person omniscient or always has been.


I didn't read the story because it's not my thing, but I was curious about the mention of a first to third person shift. Brett Easton Ellis does it in American Psycho mid paragraph and it works out fine. I didn't feel your last three paragraphs were a shift in perspective.

Click to expand...

KindofHere said:

Third Person Switch:

It wasn't a third person switch. That paragraph is still being told by Ashleigh.


Outside, Kryss turns the headlights off on his car. Creeping through the darkness, he pulls up and parks across the street from Brenda's house. With Brenda's bedroom curtains closed, there's no way for us to see his red Mustang parked in the street, scoping out the all-girls party.


That "us" in the first of the last three paragraphs where Kryss is the focus tells me Ashleigh is still narrating because Ashleigh knows what is going on outside his/her space. The following two paragraphs is just a continuation of Ashleigh describing a scene he/she is not in. If anything, Ashleigh has become first person omniscient or always has been.


I didn't read the story because it's not my thing, but I was curious about the mention of a first to third person shift. Brett Easton Ellis does it in American Psycho mid paragraph and it works out fine. I didn't feel your last three paragraphs were a shift in perspective.

Click to expand...

robertreams said:

One could get whiplash trying to follow your tense changes, while wearing hip boots to wade through the verbiage to figure out your meaning. Your first metaphor is too extended: a silence should sweep or creep. but can an awkward silence really move like a wild fire? Wouldn't it be more like what would douse a wildfirre?

"An awkward moment of silence sweeps (present) through Brenda's bedroom like a wildfire as everyone's eyes fall upon me. Dressed in a tight, black leather skirt with a corset, stiletto heels, and makeup, I'm horribly out of place despite how feminine I appear as a transvestite. From the hallway, I didn't have (should be hadn't had) a problem (with) watching Kimberly and Brenda making out (with each other). However, once Amber put (past tense) me (on the spot to get me) inside the room, it's (present tense) a different story.

I should've stayed downstairs to mingle in Brenda's all-girls party without letting my curiosity intrude on Kimberly's moment of fun. Instead, I had (present tense should be had had) to venture upstairs to look for her. It's (present tense) not like I didn't have (should be hadn't had) an idea (of) what she would be doing. Anyway, I have (present) a feeling Brenda and Kimberly (should be had known)knew what I would do once I got to the party and (had) planned accordingly. 162 words

[An awkward silence fell across Brenda's bedroom as her guest's eyes fell upon me one by one. I felt horribly out of place. My tight leather skirt, corset, stiletto heels, and heavy makeup imitated femininity, but only revealed my transvestite nature. From my position in the hallway, I hadn't had a problem watching Brenda and Kimberly making out, but once Amber placed me inside the room, everything changed.

I should have stayed downstairs at Brenda's all girl party, but I had to let my curiosity get the best of me; had to intrude on Kimberly's moment of fun; had to venture upstairs. It isn't as if I had no idea what she would be doing. Also, I had a good idea Kimberly and Brenda had known what I would do when I arrived, and had planned accordingly.]137 words.

Click to expand...