The More than a blurt thread, prose, poetry and manic tirades

damppanties said:

Thanks for making me smile. I thought I should tell you I lurk in this thread

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Lol you just made me smile....it is a "vicious"? circle. I like lurkers makes me feel like I am not as lonely and I um...am more likely to behave myself ...although someone suggested a topless night over at the vibe one night....of course alcohol had nothing to do with it.... You know...I have done things here at lit that I...never! Ever! would have done in real life. Really...I have debased myself a few times........ just a few

So.... if coffee makes you talk beautifully... more coffee?

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Oh...thank you, I shall drink a pot ... last night's howling winds kept me up all night so whats a little coffee? Rain and wind pounding the side of the house....I am facing the open Indian River Lagoon....with a tropical storm doing its thing....reminds me of Hurricanes in the night..when the power is gone...and you sit there listening to the fury in the dark, waiting for your house to show signs of the loss of structural integrity. Every little creak and moan....raises your hackles... Lol the last one I had my little boy with us....I had to pretend to be calm..*snerf* right....me calm. I have the mentallity of Lady MacBeth washing her hands of the imaginary blood.....my demons are all in my head.....yup..it is true for most of us.
But anyhow with the little one with you think like this..."Okay if the roof goes in that part of the house we will move over here against this wall....and if the roof goes over there....we go here..." Pacing the night.....until finally the storm starts to recede...then...then it is time to sleep....stuffy..moist no airconditioning...the air is full of moisture. Ick.

Hmmm... so you had howling winds and we had a soft drizzle going on throughout the night. I was on the puter till about 3:30 am, listening to the rain on the tree outside my window. It was beautiful.

damppanties said:

Hmmm... so you had howling winds and we had a soft drizzle going on throughout the night. I was on the puter till about 3:30 am, listening to the rain on the tree outside my window. It was beautiful.

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Oooh! I love your setting much better than mine .....I mean, sometimes it is nice to stand out in the storm to feel the force of nature...exhilirating. But I need gentleness right now. A soft drizzle is sweet to the senses. A caress of gentle cold drops on the skin...not overwhelming...pleasant, and the sound....a steady
and irregular patter musical.

Long have I awaited
wracked by loneliness
Your touch unleashes
A torrent of emotions
A drink of cool blessed water
to a parched traveler.
A wanting, yet a desire to flee
fear of hurt.

Gladness rises, timid and shy.
Is such love an ephemeral dream?
My body longs for your embrace
assaging my long dark night.
Shaking from my uncertainty
I drink of you with my lips
and touch you with warm caress.
A dream! A dream! You sigh.
There is not truth in such gladness
yet in your eyes I see heaven
a well of life, an Oasis in life's journey,
shining with your love of me.
How can such a dream be?

Transitioning is not just for the Transgendered

Human diversity is immense, we come in all colors, sizes, genders, orientations. Despite all this variety of human kind we all have common elements in which we can relate to each other. Some are visceral or innate, the genetic code imprinting that drives us over which we have little control. But the bulk of our nature is that of a construct that is begun soon after birth, according to studies gender identification strongly begins at age of 3 with certain characteristics between the different sexes starting even younger. Our identity is built through life based on experience, assumptions(that which we are taught) and our own thoughts that sift through all of this and attempt to categorize this information. Because we are not taught clarity as children, our ability to assess and interpret the data given us accurately is severely limited. Those that are taught life experiences that are functional are fortunate and can usually cope with some quality of life. For many it is a struggle with a faulty construct, a system that is flawed and impairs us. We learn to distort in trying to live with a system that does not work. For those of us that need it, we need to reprogram ourselves....to Transition back from the innate self(pure, unspoiled,untainted) and grow from that retarded developmental state to a functioning self actuated human being. That is, being in a state of clarity where all negative distortions disappear and we live in the moment be aware of all internal dialog even to the point of habitual behavior that has no dialog.

Much of our behavior is habit.
We have given up internal dialog on many of our habits of being...the behavior is, Stimulus then reaction, where the original pattern would have been. Stimulus,interpretation and reaction. An experience born of a negative distortion.
All or nothing thinking...classic distortion is bad things always happen when things happen this way. A previous experience is just that. Not always an indicator of a future event. So we condition ourselves through our "experience" and form habits in which we use to react to stimulus.

Transitioning means stripping away the outer self...the construct to allow a healthier more viable self to come into being. This is something that can benefit various situations where one finds themselves having lived a lie. I have been told that many people relate to my own transgender experience because the need for rebirth is a common theme for many. Truly letting go of ones construct is liberating. It is letting go of all the hurt and pain which is a product of that construct, it is learning to live in the moment and not being tormented by future anxieties or past angst.

A word of caution: Transitioning without a support structure is a dangerous thing and should only be done with guidance and help. That is best done with a good Psychologist or therapist. Tearing apart ones old self is disorienting and distressing sometimes causing wild mood swings.

Grin..okay...know that I have clarified that for myself...

Tirades...manic downswings....sigh. Sunday nights generally take their toll on me. It is then that all hurt from the past comes welling up....that which has been impressed upon me....my own darkness, no where to run. The night in which I ruminate my end to stop all this hurt....balanced on the edge....I look to jump...do I really want to abandon my child to a life without me? Tonight he fell asleep to the sound of my voice reading to him a Paddington story....This morning we giggled and laughed while crafting our best southern accents. Earlier he was observing the hairs on his arm are too long...gawd my gender dysphoria is wearing off on him. To leave him would be to wound him terribly....I cannot bear it....I cannot bear myself in this loathsome body. My family gives no support because they do not want to "enable my behavior" I falter, I need to be held, but there is no one only my own darkness and tears.

Hang in there. Things often feel different when the sun is out.

jomar said:

Hang in there. Things often feel different when the sun is out.

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Yes they do mostly *hugs* I went out and bought some clothes this morning...not a wise move..but it makes me feel better. My ex was making fun of me this morning because I had put peanut butter on the wrong side of the bread on a half a sandwhich....as I held it up and studied it perplexed she laughed...remembering a time when she was the one perplexed and spatially compromised. "Its the estrogen! Wa! ha! ha!" It makes me smile to hear her laugh as she is waaaaay to serious most of the time. So if I must be the butt of cosmic humor for her mirth ...bring it on(although in this case was it destiny that had me slather the peanut butter on the wrong side of the bread?....the hand of fate.....*grin* my stupidity?)...she is beautiful when she smiles. Always has given me wings to see her sparkle. Sigh! Damn it! Will I ever fall out of love?

Being inbetween sucks, I mean....here I am wearing a sports bra to hide what little I have....but...*laughing* I guess not everyone needs to see my breasts. I am modest really! *long pause* I am!
*whistling looking around*

I have been reflecting on how I have been embraced by so many. I do need connection....for some reason I do not meet people who are conducive to connection in real life. Of course when you are transgendered where in the world do you met someone is likely to love you for who you are? My therapist says that most of his "girls" end up with men. I find that an interesting anomaly to the typical Male to female transgendered statistics...in those more than 90% of transgendered Male to Females end up with female partners. My therapist does not work with just transgender issues....he looks at the whole person to ensure a successful transition he helps to focus one on core issues that would be a deficit to success. In my case it is my self esteem issues....now whether one be woman or man physically if you have a female brain you are likely to have self esteem issues and have a low sense of self worth. *waving my hand in the air* Part of the cycle feeding my low sense of self worth is that of anxiety and depression.
In this my therapist is adament in stressing.My behavior is habit, my behavior is not me So what he is saying is that my anxiety and depression are acquired habits of living and as habits they can be modified or changed... He is telling me to get angry at my habits...Not at myself Okay, so far my attempts have stopped short with an episode of disorientation and confusion when I try to confront my anxiety...freaky huh? *taking a deep breath* here it goes!

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mismused said:

As you know, I'm a big believer that what most of us are is "habit" pure and simple, so I totally agree with your therapist in saying your behavior, as well as that of anyone else, is a composite of multiple habits you have created, and thus is not really you (or anyone else), though that is how we usually know ourselves, and are known (along with how we look physically). Thus, of course, habits can be changed or discarded (by getting angry at them, or finding their root cause and understanding it/them).

However, here's a couple of somethings that you and the multitude of readers of your thread may find interesting and possibly useful.

Depression is generally vastly misunderstood, and despised. Yet, it is us trying to give ourselves a message, or trying to communicate a situation to us. Why? Because depression is an adpative emotion/function of our being, something truly meant to be of help to us. This is not seen to be such for it is often only when, to quote an excellent therapist:

"It is the basic function of the depressed response to facilitate intensified information processing concerning a specific problem." I.e,; ". . . being depressed [is a] basic, potentially adaptive response which can enhance development and creativity . . ."

"It is when the task of reorientation is too complex to be handled successfully by usual efforts; only if some aspects of the problem are unknown, repressed, or disregarded for some reason, the depressed response will automatically appear. It is not a matter of choice."

None of this can do anything for you for you know where your base problem most likely lies, however, perhaps the understanding of this, and knowing that depression is a means of getting you to focus intensely on a problem needing resolution is only a part of you trying to help you - one of our natural helps in dealing with our experience here on earth.

"If we have access during an episode of depression to one or more sympathetic listeners we can obtain their support and guidance in our bewilderment and also use them as suonding boards."

Just so you know that someone in the profession, if you didn't already know it, believes in this type of aid such as this, and other threads, is a good thing, and salubrious. Also:

". . . the capacity to trust people, confide our experience to them, and consider their response freely tends to aid productive outcome of depression."

Hope this helps you, and maybe others either as something they can use for themselves, or find useful in understanding those who are in need of sympathy in times like these.

Most of all, please remember that in and of itself, depression is something, an emotion (?), that is built into us as a help. Many people who are depressed (not by chemical imbalances, but through the problems of existence, other people, etc.), do not know why they are depressed. Depression is a means, life's way, if you will, of letting you know/getting you, to focus intensely on finding the root cause of the problem that has led to the depression.

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Lovely m , I am delighted to see you. I have been missing you
May I keep this a while? *grin* you know what a slow reader I am.
It is very helpful to me. You know how I like to know things...

*sigh* We learn our angst so early. My little one was wanting to bring a toy car to a Birthday party today. We told him no and he did not take it well. Some of his descriptions of how he felt about the situation were vivid and intense. I had mixed feelings about it.....for the complexity of his thoughts and how he was able to describe them shows a resourceful and bright mind, on the other hand the feelings he was experiencing were all too familiar to me and shows him to be troubled by depression and thought distortion at a very early age.......this concerns me for my own struggles with these issues, it worries me that he will get worse as he gets older and he will not survive.
The day did not progress as he had distorted, he had a wonderful time at the birthday party as did I watching all the children and chatting with some of the mothers. They brought in pets, a Vietnamese Pot bellied pig, two little ponies, and a couple of bunnies. The pig was animated and very interesting. Each of the children got a ride on one of the ponies. One of the activities was to construct a little stable from frosting and graham crackers. My little boy had a hard time getting started.....I stepped in to help him a little but resisted the urge to help too much......just enough to allow him to build his own sense of competency.....he was so proud to have built it himself.....he then promptly destroyed it and consumed the project. The sugar from the graham crackers and frosting and then the birthday cake itself put the children at a fever pitch....it was a delight to watch their joyful play.
The end of the day had little boy filthy so it was a bath for him. The splashing noises had me ill at ease for all too often his spirited play leaves the floor awash.
A warm bed and he was finished as am I.

Gi_Venus said:

*sigh* We learn our angst so early. My little one was wanting to bring a toy car to a Birthday party today. We told him no and he did not take it well. Some of his descriptions of how he felt about the situation were vivid and intense. I had mixed feelings about it.....for the complexity of his thoughts and how he was able to describe them shows a resourceful and bright mind, on the other hand the feelings he was experiencing were all too familiar to me and shows him to be troubled by depression and thought distortion at a very early age.......this concerns me for my own struggles with these issues, it worries me that he will get worse as he gets older and he will not survive.
The day did not progress as he had distorted, he had a wonderful time at the birthday party as did I watching all the children and chatting with some of the mothers. They brought in pets, a Vietnamese Pot bellied pig, two little ponies, and a couple of bunnies. The pig was animated and very interesting. Each of the children got a ride on one of the ponies. One of the activities was to construct a little stable from frosting and graham crackers. My little boy had a hard time getting started.....I stepped in to help him a little but resisted the urge to help too much......just enough to allow him to build his own sense of competency.....he was so proud to have built it himself.....he then promptly destroyed it and consumed the project. The sugar from the graham crackers and frosting and then the birthday cake itself put the children at a fever pitch....it was a delight to watch their joyful play.
The end of the day had little boy filthy so it was a bath for him. The splashing noises had me ill at ease for all too often his spirited play leaves the floor awash.
A warm bed and he was finished as am I.

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Just be careful. Remember that he isn't you and that he has the benefit of your loving and supportive nature. Catastrophizing is a common problem that many of us struggle with and have to learn not to do. Though he was upset he was able to go on and have a good time later. I think that says a lot.

Impressions:

Thought in flight, sunshine, the wind in my hair, loving souls holding me from the night. Contrasting joy and misery, madness in expression. The beauty of the world titillates me....gesturing me forward....my innate self gentle love embracing all of humanity, it is our hurt that distorts us.....the innate exists in us all....the child, pure, joyful, loving. It is there, we have only to recognize it and drop the burden of our pseudo constructed existence....letting go is the most healing of things...it is simplicity in of itself. Just be and release.....be and love. It is the glimpses of each other that inspires love. A gentle touch to a hurting spirit is the water after a long drought....it wells of hope, and rebirth, the buds of spring.
Balm to a burning spirit, the lucid moment when a loving touch gives cry to a welling heart.

Thank you all, I do not know what I would do without you.

It is late after driving to Orlando to meet a friend, she was transgendered....now she considers herself a woman not transitioning anymore because she is post op. She is beautiful, in fact and in thought. I love her...sigh. too bad she already has a girlfriend. She has been supporting me emotionally as well...she understands my obsessions with transition....the self loathing of the male body we are born with. Ick. Money....just need money....lots of it.

Gi_Venus said:

It is late after driving to Orlando to meet a friend, she was transgendered....now she considers herself a woman not transitioning anymore because she is post op. She is beautiful, in fact and in thought. I love her...sigh. too bad she already has a girlfriend. She has been supporting me emotionally as well...she understands my obsessions with transition....the self loathing of the male body we are born with. Ick. Money....just need money....lots of it.

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Nirvanadragones said:

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words and emotions
images from the past
that linger in my heart
I must feel them
and experience them
for they are the only thing
of truth contained in my past
All else colored in
to make it palatable
Run from the hurt
yet the hurt is the real me
the small seed badly sprouted
strangled but its own attempts
of survival.....that path is dry...
the other, the elusive and mysterious one
holds the fertile future full of changing seasons
the promise of fullfillment, a rich mirage of hope
that lures with its dreams.

Free thinking today,
My mind drifts from memory to memory
thought to thought. Transcendence in life,
we have those moments of realization
Where we recognize those poignant points in time.
Childhood flashes, innocent wonder,
the touch of a lover delicious in its recapitulation.
The hurt all the hurt, the moment when God has fled
and left you in the darkness to fumble your way,
innocence turned to cynicism, wonder corrupted by life.
bereftment of a lover lost, shocking in its impact.
tears, all the crying through the years.
Hope moves in and out of vision,
I know my love for the world,
I know my love of people and nature.
this stems from my core.
It will not change no matter where and who I become.
Violence of the world hurts me,
Our indifference and self indulgences the act of ultimate selfishness.
Lol wondering thoughts....kisses of nature.... a blue-headed Vireo sang to me from a twig..he sat there and looked at me three feet away on a twig and sang the most beautiful song....enthralled I held my breath and listened to his music. It is the music of the world if we choose to hear it. I could have walked on by and never seen or heard him if life had distracted me enough or if I had distracted me.

My life is changing...when I look in the mirror a womans face and body is there.....this makes me very happy it is as things should be. Not too long ago a man stared from that mirror....one caught in hopelessness......how can one be themselves when they have no validity? Catching for stars.....reaching for stars.......I keep missing but the light shines oh so brightly with purity and beauty.

An early dusk beneath a silent grey pregnant sky leaking snow to dance through the beams of the headlights greeted his arrival at Lake George. The lake was frozen. White. White as far as the eye could see, no opposite bank, no pine trees, no mountains or sky. All lost to an impenetrable snow mist. It was long time since Charles had been here in the winter, he shivered at memories flood and the hauntingly beautiful view. He turned the SUV tyre crunching snapping at the snow onto the driveway fleetingly wondering if he’d be able to leave in the morning… half hoping the overnight snow fall might trap him, but not for too long, they’d tried that. It hadn’t worked.

neonlyte said:

An early dusk beneath a silent grey pregnant sky leaking snow to dance through the beams of the headlights greeted his arrival at Lake George. The lake was frozen. White. White as far as the eye could see, no opposite bank, no pine trees, no mountains or sky. All lost to an impenetrable snow mist. It was long time since Charles had been here in the winter, he shivered at memories flood and the hauntingly beautiful view. He turned the SUV tyre crunching snapping at the snow onto the driveway fleetingly wondering if he’d be able to leave in the morning… half hoping the overnight snow fall might trap him, but not for too long, they’d tried that. It hadn’t worked.

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brrrrr!

too many tears
my heart has left me
my lifelong friend denies that I ever loved him
in my pain I poured out my words
and he denies our high moments
our long talks worthless in his memories
Yes, I am miserable, yes I take when it is given
but I knew not when it turned
and in that moment when I should have listened
I failed in my idle chatter, to me I thought he has stopped
not wanting to talk about it anymore. But in his mind
I made a huge affront which became the flood gate of resentments
"you never cared!" my heart hurts, he is my friend and I love him
My changes have become an obscenity to him and so I must leave
not on a high noble note but buried in hurt another page of intolerance in my life....it hurts too much combined with all my pain I want an end to it...I want it to end Please let it end.

*sigh* god that was a rough 24 hours.

inumerable are the lights that illuminate my way
they grace my life and give me life when all shades to darkness
And I cannot see but for the hurt in my heart.
Death stalks me, it courts me, "come to my oblivion
you'll not feel a thing, and you can sleep evermore"
Bright light contraposes, showing the cold heart
of everlasting sleep, the flowers in the sunlight
nod in the breeze, liquid song of a warbler caught in spring.
The brook burbles as water rushes over stones.
Fresh green, lush in its infancy dances in the light.
my friends bring me to this meadow, the sun warms me there.
The night will not have me, not yet, not while I have their grace.

a mixed night, sitting on my friends couch feeling like I am going to burst into tears. Feeling surly I say good night and head to the Wal Mart, driving into the parking lot I burst into tears...why? I have not a clue, time to call someone....who this time? Call Jaz, her voice soothes me, the phone company says...This telephone number is wrong...cannot be used as dailed...another cry.....call my friend A. No answer.....I sit and cry some more, dark thoughts start to percolate, My phone rings. It is A. He says Gi?
Tearfully I tell him I just needed to hear a voice, he understands and comforts me, another beautiful friend to spare me from the night and myself.
He tells me that he has always loved me as a friend and that will never change, man or woman he loves the core of who I am. This time I cry happy tears, yes I am bawling my eyes out. A. is comfortable and calming, A is a profound influence on my life, he introduced me to my little boys mother, he was a college roommate and has been an island of refuge through the years.
More than once when I have been devastated he has been a beautiful friend.
I love him so.