Humor Thread

Saw this on Facebook and was moved to share.

Notes from a a DC 'Airport Ticket Agent'

I first saw this a few years ago and roared with laughter:


An 'airport ticket agent' offers some examples of why the US is in so much trouble!

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)
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2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Cape Town . I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts ...''

Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, '' Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Cape Town is in South Africa ...''
His response -- click.

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3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He replied, 'Don't lie to me! I looked on the map, and Florida is a very THIN state!!'' (OMG)

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4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?''

I said, ''No.''

She said, ''But they look so close on the map'' (OMG, again!)

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5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas . I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas . When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)

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6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m. and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.

I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.
(Must be blonde.)

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7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'

He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''

After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it, (I was dying laughing), I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.

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8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?''

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9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright from Ala. who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''

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10. Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''

I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola and fly on a commuter plane. She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

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11. Mary Landrieu , La. Senator, called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''

I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''

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12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .''

I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''

''Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.

After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere."

The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''

So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?''

The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''

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Now you know why the Government is in the shape it's in!

Could ANYONE be this DUMB?

YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED.

Nurses aren't supposed to laugh.....


"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional.
In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," said Bill, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest
male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width was almost identical to a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out.
And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.

Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's part, she composed herself as well as she could.
"I am so sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise That won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Bill replied.

The nurse ran out of the room.

Handley_Page said:

...

Now you know why the Government is in the shape it's in!

Could ANYONE be this DUMB?

YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED.

Click to expand...

You know what they say...

If you can't do, you teach, if you can't teach you go into politics.

A mom is discussing her sons age with him...

Mom: how old are you?
Son: um - looks at mom questioningly
Mom: aren't you two years old?
Son: yes.
Mom: how many is that?
Son show mom two fingers.
Mom: what will you be on your next birthday?
Son with a straight face(he is only two after all): A duck.

This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us.
- Western Union internal memo, 1876

This one is my favourite:

640K ought to be enough for anybody.
- Bill Gates, 1981

Deep Thoughts

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.

Deep Thoughts

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

(Check my signature! )



With added lyrics by a complete stranger:

Some of them want to Fromage you
Some of them want to eat Port Salue
Some of them want to Roule you
Some of them want to eat Yorkshire Blue.

The new wedding tradition!
http://www.buzzfeed.com/ellievhall/brides-throwing-cats-is-the-wedding-tumblr-you-didnt-know-yo

johneb87 said:

The new wedding tradition!
http://www.buzzfeed.com/ellievhall/brides-throwing-cats-is-the-wedding-tumblr-you-didnt-know-yo

Click to expand...

He lifted the door knocker and politely banged the door.
A lady opened it and her face took on an enquiring expression: "Yes?"
"Good Evening, Ma'am, I'm here to pick your daughter up for a our date."

"You only want my daughter for one thing", the lady growled.

"Well, madam, if you'd taught her how to cook. . . "

Handley_Page said:

Pathetic.
Maybe even cruel.

Click to expand...

Just so you know, it is Photoshopped. You know I would never advocate the actual throwing of cats.

johneb87 said:

Just so you know, it is Photoshopped.

Click to expand...

I tried to edit it out after I thought it was strange.
You beat me to it!

Handley_Page said:

I tried to edit it out after I thought it was strange.
You beat me to it!

Click to expand...

Darn fast interwebs. It's all good.

Advert ?

For Sale, Well used half a bed.

I'm moving and selling my side of the bed. Well used, but some of that egg-carton foam will fix it.
My brand-new ex-wife still owns the other half, but do not worry, she does not seem to mind sharing with strangers.
BONUS. This bed is always warm due to it never being more than a few hours without someone being in it. This comes in handy if you are away working hard to make enough to cover the bond payments.
Note: Apparently, there have been three different guys that may try to claim squatters rights since they've spent more time in it than I did. I'm not sure about the Rules for that.

Send me an offer if you are interested.

johneb87 said:

The new wedding tradition!
http://www.buzzfeed.com/ellievhall/brides-throwing-cats-is-the-wedding-tumblr-you-didnt-know-yo

Click to expand...

I love the one where the girl in the blue dress has practically straddled the rest of the pack, she is so desperate to catch that cat! I mean bouquet. That's someone in serious need of attention

Things are not what they appear.





Nostalgic today for the days of the easy joke from the White House.

Quotes on "Stupidity"

In politics stupidity is not a handicap.

I am patient with stupidity, but not with those who are proud of it.

Stupidity has a certain charm - ignorance does not.

STUPIDITY is NOT a HANDICAP! Park elsewhere!

There is nothing worse than aggressive stupidity.

Man has made use of his intelligence, he invented stupidity.

Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.

Tis sometimes the height of wisdom to feign stupidity.

'Stupidity if left untreated is self-correcting'.

There are four things that hold back human progress. Ignorance, stupidity, committees and accountants.

Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

TOOLS EXPLAINED

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer now days is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive boat parts not far from the object we are trying to "adjust". Available in a variety of sizes, which is typically chosen based on the amount of time you have already wasted attempting to "solve a problem". Available with a head made of steel, plastic, brass or hard rubber. As a side note, only the steel head has a practical use, no logical use for the other materials has ever been discovered. Some models equipped with the fly away head option. AKA "Ford Wrench", "BFH", "Wound Inflicting Hammer"

RAZOR KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing boat covers and bimini tops.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Used for spinning steel pop rivets in their hole until you die of old age. Some larger models are capable of turning the users wrist in amazing directions never before imagined just as the bit starts to break through the material you're drilling.

SLIP JOINTED PLIERS: Primarily used to round the heads off of bolts. The joint slips and only grips items slightly larger then what you were originally trying to grip. Most have an area to cut wire at the base of the jaws. The "cutter" is good for squishing and mutilating wire where you would have liked to cut it.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the garage, splattering it on the Bud Girls poster above the bench grinder.

BENCH GRINDER: This devise is equipped with a wire wheel on one end and a grinding wheel on the other end. The wire wheel is used to clean debris off of old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned calluses in about the time it takes to say "DragBoat". The grinding wheel is used primarily for starting small surprise fires at you feet. Also has the ability to transport the object your working on great distances.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering the boat trailer back to the ground after you've installed those new low profile tires, trapping the jack handle firmly under the chrome fender.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a trailer upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: a tool used for removing Douglas Fir wood splinters from your hand.

PHONE: Tool for calling your boating partner to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack. Also useful for canceling dinner reservations you and the wife had and ordering pizza delivery when the "three hour job" you started in the morning has now moved into the evening hours.

GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for scraping dog doo off your shoes.

E-Z OUT BOLT & STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in broken bolts or studs and is ten times harder then any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument used for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.

TWO TON OVERHEAD HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground cables, fuel lines and electrical connectors you may have forgotten to disconnect.

½" X 16" SCREWDRIVER: A larger motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined flat tip on the end without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a boat battery to your pants and to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE GRIPS: Used to round off the heads of bolts. If nothing else is available, they can be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

RATCHET: Bolt removal tool typically equipped with a breakaway pop-top. This tool can also double as a hammer. Used with sockets that automatically fall off when you get near the bolt you want to remove. Sockets typically fall off and run and hide like critters. Changing directions requires a deft touch and a smart rap on a hard surface, and it might hold.and it might not...not for the high blood pressure types.

TIN SNIPS: From the same family as the hacksaw. Comes in right and left -handers, but neither will go where you want it without religious training. Perfect for ruining light- weight steel, copper, aluminium, brass, etc.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanics own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, the sunshine vitamin, which is otherwise not found under engine hatches at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that the 105-mm Howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark then light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of containers and splash the contents onto your shirt. Doubles as a center punch, can also be used as the name implies, to round out Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes the energy produced by a power plant 100 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty trailer bolts last tightened 10 years ago by someone in Missouri, and rounds them off.

Baby Do's and Don'ts

This is evil yet hilarious.

http://themetapicture.com/baby-dos-and-donts/

desertslave said:

This is evil yet hilarious.

http://themetapicture.com/baby-dos-and-donts/

Click to expand...

What's really sad is that some twerps might actually consider doing the "wrong" one out of ignorance or even evil.

Deep Thoughts

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

Rejected Hallmark Cards

"Looking back over the years that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder:...
-- What was I thinking?"

"Congratulations on your wedding day!...
-- Too bad no one likes your wife."

"How could two people as beautiful as you....
-- have such an ugly baby?"

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love...
-- After having met you, I've changed my mind."

"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life...
-- I never believed in Hell until I met you."

"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
-- that you're not here to ruin it for me."

"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me...
-- Like the need for therapy."

"Thanks for being a part of my life!!!...
-- I never knew what evil was before this!"

"Before you go,...
I would like you to take this knife out of my back.
-- You'll probably need it again."

"Someday I hope to get married...
-- but not to you."

"You look great for your age...
-- Almost Lifelike!"

"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me...
-- Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend...
-- So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

"We have been friends for a very long time...
-- What do you say we call it quits?"

"I'm so miserable without you...
-- It's almost like you're here."

"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...
-- Did you ever find out who the father was?"

"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...
-- I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."

HOW DO YOU MAKE A MAN?

Cross a bear, a fish and a baboon
Then you get a grumpy creature that drinks all day and constantly fiddles with it's balls.

-=(@)=-

HOW DO YOU MAKE A WOMAN?

Cross a butterfly, a cow and a dung beetle
Then you get a beautiful creature with great breasts that walks around all day looking for shit.

The bride tells her husband

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!