ownedsubgal
lost little girl
- Joined
- Mar 21, 2003
- Posts
- 2,996
"Enjoy it" is a tricky one. I always thought that was the one thing I didn't have to commit to in this game.
There was a brief period where I interpreted "slavery" as passivity. During sex, I followed directions, but took little responsibility for my own experience. I would relax, and grow heavy, positioning my body wherever it was supposed to be and then kind of lose myself. I felt like a piece of the earth, fleshy, moist, with lots of nooks and crannies, full of motion when moved, but otherwise still and simply present.
It didn't matter whether I wanted what was happening or not. It didn't matter whether I was enjoying what was happening or not. It just happened.
I kind of liked it.
He didn't.
Let me amend that. . . On occasion, he just wants me to take whatever he's dishing, or experience me as some warm, wet toy. On occasion, he likes the fact that I'm uncomfortable. But most of the time he wants to feel my presence as an active willing participant.
He wants me to "enjoy" what we're doing.
As a young woman, I put on a good show. I'd seen the movies. Even I believed my act.
Sometimes he wants a show. And I have become his customized pornography.
But that's not what he means when he says "enjoy it."
He wants me to find pleasure. In activities that are not pleasurable. To me.
I can say, it's possible. I've done it, and discovered experiences I'd never felt before, where the pleasure is significantly heightened by the transformation of the discomfort. But, it hasn't been easy.
And I still want to hold onto the idea that I don't have to like it. I don't have to "enjoy it."
Last night, it just felt like one more thing I could control.
this is an issue i have too...not being able to "enjoy" things sexually/erotically. the highest level of sexual enjoyment i personally experience is entirely focused on my partner's pleasure. it is a feeling akin to when you take the time and effort to bake a really fabulous dessert, serve it to others, and it's obvious that they really really love it. your hard work has not only paid off, but it's validation that you are indeed, useful and good for something. being a good fuck, a good cocksucker, etc. makes me feel useful and good for something. therefore i "enjoy" it. but i cannot relate to that other strange kind of "enjoy"...where you are wanting it and needing it just because it feels good or whatever. that part of sex has always been a puzzle.
it's not about holding back or controlling anything...i've analyzed and overanalyzed it, and i think for me it basically comes down to two things: guilt and a sense of irrelevance. i know that second one sounds funny, but i can't really think of another way to describe it. the guilt part is obvious...as a submissive and most especially as a slave, my role in sex is to serve. i am somehow convinced that directly "enjoying" anything in the process will take away from that service. it will make me self-focused, when i should be in a state of total selflessness.
the irrelevance bit is a little harder to express. but i consider all of these factors: the fact that my Master's sexual pleasure is not increased by my own. the fact that most of the men i've served sexually in my lifetime have been very pleased by my completely external sexual focus. the fact that biologically, the female orgasm is useless. the fact that i have no control over my sex life (what happens, when and how, etc.). all of these things lead me to feel deep down that my own internal sexual feelings...good or bad...are completely irrelevant. and with that being the case, why put myself through the humiliating and painful struggle of trying to see whether or not i even have the capacity to feel this other side of sex?