Getting Started..any advice

I'm writing to see if anyone has any advice on how to get started on meeting people who have the same feelings / emotions / fantasies as me?

I'm a married man in NW England and have, for the last year, been searching various websites and the internet in general to find someone to play with. I've found a few people but have never met the right one - someone sexy, witty and with a spark.

It's difficult to use the websites as, being married, I cannot pay for their services.

Can anyone suggest how I can search and chat to women who have an interest in some forms of alternative relationships, women who are genuine (not just links to pay per view etc.)?

Your suggestions will be gratefully receved.

Thanks

Brung

I'd suggest some local munches.

you can try the BDSM personals at lit. you can also try www.alt.com and www.collarme.com. ive heard mixed reviews on both of them. iv never used them so my information is lacking, but im sure if your interested there would be somone who would be able to give you more information.

I'd say...

I'd say be honest with whomever you meet and give them the choice, by making them informed you are married, and she doesn't know.

And...

In "The Personals" I think its called, I noticed there's a lot of people in the UK with threads... check there... (if you haven't already...

I'd drop links but they are for the US...

Happy Hunting...

Honesty is a big thing and I hate to say it, but if you feel you need to do this behind your wife's back, you are likely headed for disaster if not a lot of unhappiness. For what it's worth, as much as I appreciate the position you are in, try to sort your marriage first and then if you are not happy, and unable to have a poly arrangement, decide if your marriage is where you should stay for both yours and her sake and anyone else you might involve.

Catalina

Brung said:

I've found a few people but have never met the right one - someone sexy, witty and with a spark.

Click to expand...

I hate to say it, especially on an online forum, but depending on your definition of 'sexy' you might have a hard time finding someone who's searching online.

Most people sincere about BDSM who you'd meet in the community through munches aren't going to approve of you going behind your wife's back, at least in my experience. It's hard enough trying to get involved as a solo male, who are a dime a dozen.

Open up to your wife, I'd say, and if she's okay with it, then try the munches. Bringing her along TO the munches would also benefit you. In my community it's a lot easier for the men to be accepted if they have their partner's with them, not just for conversation but for play.

catalina_francisco said:

For what it's worth, as much as I appreciate the position you are in, try to sort your marriage first and then if you are not happy, and unable to have a poly arrangement, decide if your marriage is where you should stay <snip>

Click to expand...

I just want to point out that you don't necessarily have to sell the idea of a poly relationship to your wife to have a play date with a person.

If you get involved in the local community, the two of you could attend parties together, and she could watch you play with someone. No nudity even needs to be involved.

If you're specifically looking for a sexual relationship, well, that's a different story. But when you say "play" I think something other than sex.

If I don't have my gal with me at a party, I make clear that she exists, she knows what I'm doing, and she's fine with it. Honesty is important, plain and simple.

I can sort of understand not wanting to go to your wife with your desires when you are just beginning to explore them. I had some pretty serious reservations about telling my husband but by playing with a few people online I was able to sort out my feelings and prepare myself to go to him. I also found out very quickly that I wanted D/s in my marriage. An affair was never going to cut it for me.

In the end I hurt my husband and our relationship by not telling him my desires. I betrayed him. I didn't trust him to value me enough to care about what I needed. I should have gone to him first and given him the chance to explore these desires with me before looking outside the relationship. Sneaking around was cowardly on my part and I very much regret it even if it was "just online".

I am lucky I have a forgiving husband who loves me who is now my Daddy. I have of course been properly punished for my indiscretions.

May I suggest strongly that you go to your wife about your desires and fantasies. Most people in the BDSM community do not condone sneaking around behind your wife's back.

Communication is essential in any relationship, If you're not able to talk to your wife, why are you even married in the first place.

Thanks

Thanks to all of you for your replies. Having taken time to consider my relationship and also my desires I'm going to be summoning up the courage to discuss my wants with my wife.

I really want to say a big thank you to everyone who has taken the time and effort to comment.

Best wishes to you all.

Brung

Hi Brung, I didn't notice this thread before.

I hope that your chat with your wife goes ok but I just wanted to say that you don't necessarily have to go to her and let all your kinky demons out of the closet.

There are many smaller steps you can take with her towards getting the kind of sexual play you want. It might be the scenic route to where you want to be sexually but at least you'll be making the journey together.

If you are dominant you can start with silk scarves, a blindfold, ice cubes, champagne and gently tease her into enjoying restraint and submission. If she enjoys that, suggest moving up a gear, and so on.

If you want to be submissive you can start with service. Run a bath for her, wash her, towel her dry and give her a sensual massage. Tell her that you love serving her and would like to do it more often. Then, when you get intimate, encourage her to take the lead and see if she enjoys it.

If you try any of this make sure to talk to her when you're lying together afterwards. Find out what she genuinely enjoyed and encourage her to go with it. Ask her what her own fantasies are and see if you can make them a reality for her.

It's very difficult to be in a marriage for years and then suddenly say 'I want something different now' because it feels ungrateful and a criticism of the status quo. Make sure you ensure that your wife knows how much you love her, how sexy you still find her and that you want her to enjoy experimenting as much as you do. Make sex an indulgent treat again rather than sit her down and give her a new list of wants.

I hope that everything goes well and also that you will pick the thread up again and let us know how it all went.