confused regarding orientation : masochism & submissiveness are two separate traits

[bi_sub_lady_doc]

confused regarding orientation : masochism & submissiveness are two separate traits

contrary to my earlier belief, i now believe that i am not a submissive.but i certainly posses masochist fantasies.well, there is a thin line between.my masochist fantasies are strictly to please myself.when my previous online mistresses tried to go overboard or forgot the fact that they are just enacting their roles, particularly when i was not in mood, i didn't think twice to kick them out.again my fetishes don't emphasize on physical pain but on humiliation of ( look like accident) exposures, these appear as adventurous kink to me out of mundane vanilla.a mistress is just the captain to guide my desires, not to control the ship altogether.( more of an accomplice than one who dictates)
oh another thing, in the personal forum i have noticed many ads ( those which are given by so called doms) which give the impression that a sub is a sub in all spheres of life.i don't think the notion is right.these are just fetishes.like me, many would love to do stark opposite things to their roles in their professional life.
my theory suits most of the cases, though it's partially unsuccessful to explain my first incident i.e with my female maid where i was blackmailed, the incident which seeded the fetish in me.i discovered that humiliation ( kinky adventures to be more precise) do turn me on .but again i submitted to her as i was compelled to, not out of my will. i can't tag that as a dom sub relation, as there was nothing sexual or physical (apart from a few spanks or twist to my nips) in that, only some humiliating games.she never undressed herself or made me serve her.she was straight.it was kinda revenge/ psychological pleasure for her.after a few months, when the initial enemity & tension between us came down, i myself started to ask her for those sessions, as i found it immensely pleasureable, the game part..even she abandoned the vengeful image.she was more of an accomplice to me.but when she tried to cross the limits ( imposing the relation beyond the sessions), i did beat the hell out of her to make her realize her place.now i believe that i could have prevented her initial blackmailing too, so that i could control the initial few episodes.i mean, i would have taken part in those games but i wouldn't allow her to dictate.
yes, i know i am self contradictory.hell of a confused, you can tell that.to make the thing more worse, i feel like a dom to guys or to those women who are senior to me, be it in age or stature.a jealousy angle or the fact that my first 'mistress' was a maid, god knows what can be cited to explain that.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Love it

And as you probably know, I holler about this all the time. The desire to be done unto is not inherently submissive.

Nor is the desire to provide sensation/experience for another inherently dominant.

Matter of fact, it's often the opposite. Even for guys who think they are so Domly.

Personally, it's all about sex, for me, so I'm wondering-- What kinds of humiliation resonate for you?

 

[StrayKat]

hell of a confused

Yes, same here. I was confused for years because I could never fit myself in definitions others provided me with. So in the end I said to hell with them, I am me. Dominant, yes sometimes and in certain situations; submissive, yes sometimes and in certain situations; sadist, the same thing; masochist, again the same thing. I can enjoy just sex without anything but physical sensation, I can be loving and caring and completely emotionally involved.
I am all that and more.

Frankly, I find the best connection with certain switches who have no problems experimenting with both sides.

 

[ThatNerdyGirl]

Dominant, yes sometimes and in certain situations; submissive, yes sometimes and in certain situations; sadist, the same thing; masochist, again the same thing.

I agree with this sentiment completely. It seems like even "switches" have a particular way they're supposed to be. It's easier to just not pigeon-hole myself into a specific definition, and to just go with what I feel at the time and enjoy.

 

[bi_sub_lady_doc]

Yes, same here. I was confused for years because I could never fit myself in definitions others provided me with. So in the end I said to hell with them, I am me. Dominant, yes sometimes and in certain situations; submissive, yes sometimes and in certain situations; sadist, the same thing; masochist, again the same thing. I can enjoy just sex without anything but physical sensation, I can be loving and caring and completely emotionally involved.
I am all that and more.

Frankly, I find the best connection with certain switches who have no problems experimenting with both sides.

i second you on that, a single definition can't describe all facets of one sexual trait or a single tag can't accommodate all fantasies of a single person.

 

[bi_sub_lady_doc]

Love it

And as you probably know, I holler about this all the time. The desire to be done unto is not inherently submissive.

Nor is the desire to provide sensation/experience for another inherently dominant.

Matter of fact, it's often the opposite. Even for guys who think they are so Domly.

Personally, it's all about sex, for me, so I'm wondering-- What kinds of humiliation resonate for you?

little bit of flashing, as if accidentally..this applies to the outside world ( i find these very enthralling & challenging )
in the confinement of my room, everything except crude physical pain

 

[breakstoys]

Labels shmabels, I say.

That said, I understand the confusion. I began as domme to my then-husband, after our divorce I had the freedom to examine my needs further and realized I like being subjected to both intense sensation/pain and under the right circumstances, to the will of another dominant partner. I spent a few months in a state of cognitive dissonance trying to understand it.

Then I realized, why do I think those things mutually exclusive, when obviously for me, they aren't!! It's very much like when I realized I was bisexual - I'm interested in both _______ and ________ , the end.

So I now identify (when labels are helpful as an initial bit of information) as primarily dominant, but also a switch and a masochist. Yes, I'm a dominant masochist . It happens. lol

I can tell my partner I want him to top me and get the sensations I need. Having my needs served in this way doesn't necessarily feel submissive - he's doing what I want.

I do on occasion desire more of a submissive experience and since my partner is a switch as well he's more than happy to indulge me.

The way we've been able to work into such a happy arrangement is lots and lots of communication, because it does seem complicated at first from the outside but once information is exchanged and we are clear about each others' needs, it flows smoothly.

 

[VWSinger]

Similarly, being a sexual sadist and being a Dom are two different and unrelated things. I am a sexual sadist, but I have no interest in dominating someone as a form of sex play. Nor am I submissive. The entire D/s dynamic in RL leaves me cold.

 

[bi_sub_lady_doc]

Labels shmabels, I say.

That said, I understand the confusion. I began as domme to my then-husband, after our divorce I had the freedom to examine my needs further and realized I like being subjected to both intense sensation/pain and under the right circumstances, to the will of another dominant partner. I spent a few months in a state of cognitive dissonance trying to understand it.

Then I realized, why do I think those things mutually exclusive, when obviously for me, they aren't!! It's very much like when I realized I was bisexual - I'm interested in both _______ and ________ , the end.

So I now identify (when labels are helpful as an initial bit of information) as primarily dominant, but also a switch and a masochist. Yes, I'm a dominant masochist . It happens. lol

I can tell my partner I want him to top me and get the sensations I need. Having my needs served in this way doesn't necessarily feel submissive - he's doing what I want.

I do on occasion desire more of a submissive experience and since my partner is a switch as well he's more than happy to indulge me.

The way we've been able to work into such a happy arrangement is lots and lots of communication, because it does seem complicated at first from the outside but once information is exchanged and we are clear about each others' needs, it flows smoothly.

exactly what i wanted to say, these things are not mutually exclusive

 

[StrangeView]

Yes, same here. I was confused for years because I could never fit myself in definitions others provided me with. So in the end I said to hell with them, I am me. Dominant, yes sometimes and in certain situations; submissive, yes sometimes and in certain situations; sadist, the same thing; masochist, again the same thing. I can enjoy just sex without anything but physical sensation, I can be loving and caring and completely emotionally involved.
I am all that and more.

Frankly, I find the best connection with certain switches who have no problems experimenting with both sides.

Totally agree with the sentiment here, I always felt I didn't quite fit into any availible pidgeon hole, as I'm quite happy to take either role, as the mood takes me. As I've said before on occasions, I'm even reluctant to use the term "switch" because it seems to imply a set of rules which don't all apply to me. Since joining Lit, I've found Stella_Omega's views and advice on this really enlightening as far as trying to understand myself goes, and the more I seem to understand, the less the tag seems to matter. I'll settle for "I'm me and I'm going to enjoy!"

SV

 

[bi_sub_lady_doc]

Totally agree with the sentiment here, I always felt I didn't quite fit into any availible pidgeon hole, as I'm quite happy to take either role, as the mood takes me. As I've said before on occasions, I'm even reluctant to use the term "switch" because it seems to imply a set of rules which don't all apply to me. Since joining Lit, I've found Stella_Omega's views and advice on this really enlightening as far as trying to understand myself goes, and the more I seem to understand, the less the tag seems to matter. I'll settle for "I'm me and I'm going to enjoy!"

SV

stella omega is a pioneer.i heard the term "dominant bottom" from her for the first time

 

[bi_sub_lady_doc]

Similarly, being a sexual sadist and being a Dom are two different and unrelated things. I am a sexual sadist, but I have no interest in dominating someone as a form of sex play. Nor am I submissive. The entire D/s dynamic in RL leaves me cold.

thanks for sharing your view

 

[cookiecat]

Labels are a great way to start a conversation but it's all too easy to get stuck inside a box (unless you like that kind of thing )

It took me a while to figure out the difference between Dom / sub and Top / bottom. That it's ok to play without submitting. I can kneel in front of someone, offering up my lady bits and say "Thank you Ma'am" simply because I'm horny. It doesn't always have to be this monumental act of submission. It can just be a heck of a good time.

In my early days, I was with a Dominant who liked to have me wear a strap on and put things up his butt. I was horrified - how undomly! There was NO WAY I could be the fucker.

I realized this was about what we liked, what we wanted to experience, not being so rigid with definitions. It turned me on that he was comfortable enough with his own shit (hey - this is a pun?) that he required me to fuck him in the ass.

I think, too, for me, submission = service. I get off on knowing I'm serving you in some ways, albeit sexually or domestically or however I can make your life happier, easier, more joyful.

Masochism is more a part of play and not necessarily always submitting, although enduring that pain for your pleasure does, at times, get wrapped up in my submission.

 

[bi_sub_lady_doc]

Labels are a great way to start a conversation but it's all too easy to get stuck inside a box (unless you like that kind of thing )

It took me a while to figure out the difference between Dom / sub and Top / bottom. That it's ok to play without submitting. I can kneel in front of someone, offering up my lady bits and say "Thank you Ma'am" simply because I'm horny. It doesn't always have to be this monumental act of submission. It can just be a heck of a good time.

In my early days, I was with a Dominant who liked to have me wear a strap on and put things up his butt. I was horrified - how undomly! There was NO WAY I could be the fucker.

I realized this was about what we liked, what we wanted to experience, not being so rigid with definitions. It turned me on that he was comfortable enough with his own shit (hey - this is a pun?) that he required me to fuck him in the ass.[/QUOTE
a dom asking his sub to fuck him on his ass, really fascinating to think off.completely breaking the stereotypes

 

[cookiecat]

[a dom asking his sub to fuck him on his ass, really fascinating to think off.completely breaking the stereotypes

Well, I will say it was his delivery of what I WILL do, what I was REQUIRED to do as his submissive that was pretty convincing.

 

[bi_sub_lady_doc]

Well, I will say it was his delivery of what I WILL do, what I was REQUIRED to do as his submissive that was pretty convincing.

even then, it was not that what we are used to hear.
anyways, it is your perception & satisfaction solely.no one has a right to say anything about one‘s way of finding pleasure

 

[cookiecat]

even then, it was not that what we are used to hear.

Oh for sure. I think that's the point, right? Our preconceived ideas about how things "should" be that keep us from exploring.

I was with a dominant who wouldn't "go down" on a woman because, in his mind, it put him literally lower than the woman. At the time, I laughed out loud. I told him I'd stand on my head so he could be above me.

I thought he was buying in to the stereotype of how a dom should be and figured he probably just hated eating pussy.

In hindsight, if that's how he reinforced the power dynamic, that's ok --for me, I would rather be with someone (like my fucked in the butt Dom) who pushes boundaries and expectations.

as you said, bi_sub_lady_doc:

anyways, it is your perception & satisfaction solely.no one has a right to say anything about one‘s way of finding pleasure

 

[Stella_Omega]

yeah, that penetration equals submission routine.

Nope.

Hundreds of macho leather men would beg to disagree. With them it's all; "BOY GET THAT PECKER UP AND KEEP IT UP YOU HEAR ME?" Boy fucks Master's ass untill Master is SATISFIED. Anyone want to imply Master's prostate is not a DOMINANT prostate is in for some sudden education.

 

[bi_sub_lady_doc]

yeah, that penetration equals submission routine.

Nope.

Hundreds of macho leather men would beg to disagree. With them it's all; "BOY GET THAT PECKER UP AND KEEP IT UP YOU HEAR ME?" Boy fucks Master's ass untill Master is SATISFIED. Anyone want to imply Master's prostate is not a DOMINANT prostate is in for some sudden education.

always listen to her.

 

[madhu50]

contrary to my earlier belief, i now believe that i am not a submissive.but i certainly posses masochist fantasies.well, there is a thin line between.my masochist fantasies are strictly to please myself.when my previous online mistresses tried to go overboard or forgot the fact that they are just enacting their roles, particularly when i was not in mood, i didn't think twice to kick them out.again my fetishes don't emphasize on physical pain but on humiliation of ( look like accident) exposures, these appear as adventurous kink to me out of mundane vanilla.a mistress is just the captain to guide my desires, not to control the ship altogether.( more of an accomplice than one who dictates)
oh another thing, in the personal forum i have noticed many ads ( those which are given by so called doms) which give the impression that a sub is a sub in all spheres of life.i don't think the notion is right.these are just fetishes.like me, many would love to do stark opposite things to their roles in their professional life.
my theory suits most of the cases, though it's partially unsuccessful to explain my first incident i.e with my female maid where i was blackmailed, the incident which seeded the fetish in me.i discovered that humiliation ( kinky adventures to be more precise) do turn me on .but again i submitted to her as i was compelled to, not out of my will. i can't tag that as a dom sub relation, as there was nothing sexual or physical (apart from a few spanks or twist to my nips) in that, only some humiliating games.she never undressed herself or made me serve her.she was straight.it was kinda revenge/ psychological pleasure for her.after a few months, when the initial enemity & tension between us came down, i myself started to ask her for those sessions, as i found it immensely pleasureable, the game part..even she abandoned the vengeful image.she was more of an accomplice to me.but when she tried to cross the limits ( imposing the relation beyond the sessions), i did beat the hell out of her to make her realize her place.now i believe that i could have prevented her initial blackmailing too, so that i could control the initial few episodes.i mean, i would have taken part in those games but i wouldn't allow her to dictate.
yes, i know i am self contradictory.hell of a confused, you can tell that.to make the thing more worse, i feel like a dom to guys or to those women who are senior to me, be it in age or stature.a jealousy angle or the fact that my first 'mistress' was a maid, god knows what can be cited to explain that.

Your posts suggest you are neither a Masochist nor a submissive but a man with a rather sick sense sensuality

 

[madhu50]

contrary to my earlier belief, i now believe that i am not a submissive.but i certainly posses masochist fantasies.well, there is a thin line between.my masochist fantasies are strictly to please myself.when my previous online mistresses tried to go overboard or forgot the fact that they are just enacting their roles, particularly when i was not in mood, i didn't think twice to kick them out.again my fetishes don't emphasize on physical pain but on humiliation of ( look like accident) exposures, these appear as adventurous kink to me out of mundane vanilla.a mistress is just the captain to guide my desires, not to control the ship altogether.( more of an accomplice than one who dictates)
oh another thing, in the personal forum i have noticed many ads ( those which are given by so called doms) which give the impression that a sub is a sub in all spheres of life.i don't think the notion is right.these are just fetishes.like me, many would love to do stark opposite things to their roles in their professional life.
my theory suits most of the cases, though it's partially unsuccessful to explain my first incident i.e with my female maid where i was blackmailed, the incident which seeded the fetish in me.i discovered that humiliation ( kinky adventures to be more precise) do turn me on .but again i submitted to her as i was compelled to, not out of my will. i can't tag that as a dom sub relation, as there was nothing sexual or physical (apart from a few spanks or twist to my nips) in that, only some humiliating games.she never undressed herself or made me serve her.she was straight.it was kinda revenge/ psychological pleasure for her.after a few months, when the initial enemity & tension between us came down, i myself started to ask her for those sessions, as i found it immensely pleasureable, the game part..even she abandoned the vengeful image.she was more of an accomplice to me.but when she tried to cross the limits ( imposing the relation beyond the sessions), i did beat the hell out of her to make her realize her place.now i believe that i could have prevented her initial blackmailing too, so that i could control the initial few episodes.i mean, i would have taken part in those games but i wouldn't allow her to dictate.
yes, i know i am self contradictory.hell of a confused, you can tell that.to make the thing more worse, i feel like a dom to guys or to those women who are senior to me, be it in age or stature.a jealousy angle or the fact that my first 'mistress' was a maid, god knows what can be cited to explain that.

Your posts suggest you are neither a Masochist nor a submissive but a man with a rather sick sense of sensuality

 

[bi_sub_lady_doc]

Your posts suggest you are neither a Masochist nor a submissive but a man with a rather sick sense of sensuality

i can guess your reason for showing such apathy towards me.remember those umpteen no of pms you used to send to me? you made that comment because of our fall out over pm, since i had strongly declined your rather nasty weird proposal after i found you to be a shemale ( at first i thought you as just another post menopausal frustrated woman suffering from chronic irritation & serious perversion ) .i wish i could post those pms here, but alas! it‘s prohibited.
now if you can excuse me, this is a serious thread.you rather express your jealousy & revenge elsewhere.
p.s. to those interested, she(?) said that she have fleshy & unusual large clitoris & rudimentary vagina ( classical mrkh syndrome, should go for karyotyping ).she also asked for my suggestions regarding cosmetic surgical procedure to get rid of those.. i interpreted that to be her confession of being a shemale in other way.

 

[satindesire]

I think before anyone else contributes to this thread, you should take a glance at this thread:

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=1064546

Just to get a better idea of what kind of person the OP really is.

 

[IrisAlthea]

Regardless of who OP is, I think the thread has started an interesting discussion.

 

[satindesire]

Regardless of who OP is, I think the thread has started an interesting discussion.

No doubt! But we need to make sure that we aren't encouraging him to flash nonconsenting women, as per the fetishes he's stated here and in the linked thread.