curl4ever
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Humor Thread
- Thread starter DG Hear
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Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
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Read the following and have a GREAT day!
I was at the corner grocery store buying some early potatoes. I noticed a small boy, delicate of bone and feature, ragged but clean, hungrily appraising a basket of freshly picked green peas.
I paid for my potatoes but was also drawn to the display of fresh green peas.. I am a pushover for creamed peas and new potatoes.
Pondering the peas, I couldn't help overhearing the conversation between Mr. Miller (the store owner) and the ragged boy next to me.
'Hello Barry, how are you today?'
'H'lo, Mr. Miller. Fine, thank ya. Jus' admirin' them peas. They sure look good.'
'They are good, Barry. How's your Ma?'
'Fine.. Gittin' stronger alla' time.'
'Good. Anything I can help you with?'
'No, Sir. Jus' admirin' th em peas.'
'Would you like to take some home?' asked Mr. Miller.
'No, Sir. Got nuthin' to pay for 'em with.'
'Well, what have you to trade me for some of those peas?'
'All I got's my prize marble here.'
'Is that right? Let me see it' said Miller.
'Here 'tis.. She's a dandy.'
'I can see that. Hmm mmm, only thing is this one is blue and I sort of go for red. Do you have a red one like this at ho me?' the store owner asked.
'Not zackley but almost.'
'Tell you what. Take this sack of peas home with you and next trip this way let me look at that red marble'. Mr. Miller told the boy.
'Sure will. Thanks Mr. Miller.'
Mrs. Miller, who had been standing nearby, came over to help me.
With a smile she said, 'There are two other boys like him in our community, all three are in very poor circumstances. Jim just loves to bargain with them for peas, apples, tomatoes, or whatever.
When they come back with their red marbles, and they always do, he decides he doesn't like red after all and he sends them home with a bag of produce for a green marble or an orange one, when they come on their next trip to the store.'
I left the store smiling to myself, impressed with this man. A short time later I moved to Colorado , but I never forgot the story of this man, the boys, and their bartering for marbles.
Several years went by, each more rapid than the previous one. Just recently I had occasion to visit some old friends in that Idaho community and while I was there learned that Mr. Miller had died. They were having his visitation that evening and knowing my friends wanted to go, I agreed to accompany them. Upon arrival at the mortuary we fell into line to meet the relatives of the deceased and to offer whatever words of comfort we could.
Ahead of us in line were three young men. One was in an army uniform and the other two wore nice haircuts, dark suits and white shirts...all very professional looking. They approached Mrs. Miller, standing composed and smiling by her husband's casket.
Each of the young men hugged her, kissed her on the cheek, spoke briefly with her and moved on to the casket. Her misty light blue eyes followed them as, one by one, each young man stopped briefly and placed his own warm hand over the cold pale hand in the casket.. Each left the mortuary awkwardly, wiping his eyes.
Our turn came to meet Mrs. Miller. I told her who I was and reminded her of the story from those many years ago and what she had told me about her husband's bartering for marbles. With her eyes glistening, she took my hand and led me to the casket.
'Those three young men who just left were the boys I told you about.
They just told me how they appreciated the things Jim 'traded' them. Now, at last, when Jim could not change his mind about color or size....they came to pay their debt.'
'We've never had a great deal of the wealth of this world,' she confided, 'but right now, Jim would consider himself the richest man in Idaho ...'
With loving gentleness she lifted the lifeless fingers of her deceased husband. Resting underneath were three exquisitely shined red marbles.
The Moral :
We will not be remembered by our words, but by our kind deeds. Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath.
Today I wish you a day of ordinary miracles
~ A fresh pot of coffee you didn't make yourself...
An unexpected phone call from an old friend ....
Green stoplights on your way to work...
The fastest line at the grocery store...
A good sing-along song on the radio...
Your keys found right where you left them.
I was at the corner grocery store buying some early potatoes. I noticed a small boy, delicate of bone and feature, ragged but clean, hungrily appraising a basket of freshly picked green peas.
I paid for my potatoes but was also drawn to the display of fresh green peas.. I am a pushover for creamed peas and new potatoes.
Pondering the peas, I couldn't help overhearing the conversation between Mr. Miller (the store owner) and the ragged boy next to me.
'Hello Barry, how are you today?'
'H'lo, Mr. Miller. Fine, thank ya. Jus' admirin' them peas. They sure look good.'
'They are good, Barry. How's your Ma?'
'Fine.. Gittin' stronger alla' time.'
'Good. Anything I can help you with?'
'No, Sir. Jus' admirin' th em peas.'
'Would you like to take some home?' asked Mr. Miller.
'No, Sir. Got nuthin' to pay for 'em with.'
'Well, what have you to trade me for some of those peas?'
'All I got's my prize marble here.'
'Is that right? Let me see it' said Miller.
'Here 'tis.. She's a dandy.'
'I can see that. Hmm mmm, only thing is this one is blue and I sort of go for red. Do you have a red one like this at ho me?' the store owner asked.
'Not zackley but almost.'
'Tell you what. Take this sack of peas home with you and next trip this way let me look at that red marble'. Mr. Miller told the boy.
'Sure will. Thanks Mr. Miller.'
Mrs. Miller, who had been standing nearby, came over to help me.
With a smile she said, 'There are two other boys like him in our community, all three are in very poor circumstances. Jim just loves to bargain with them for peas, apples, tomatoes, or whatever.
When they come back with their red marbles, and they always do, he decides he doesn't like red after all and he sends them home with a bag of produce for a green marble or an orange one, when they come on their next trip to the store.'
I left the store smiling to myself, impressed with this man. A short time later I moved to Colorado , but I never forgot the story of this man, the boys, and their bartering for marbles.
Several years went by, each more rapid than the previous one. Just recently I had occasion to visit some old friends in that Idaho community and while I was there learned that Mr. Miller had died. They were having his visitation that evening and knowing my friends wanted to go, I agreed to accompany them. Upon arrival at the mortuary we fell into line to meet the relatives of the deceased and to offer whatever words of comfort we could.
Ahead of us in line were three young men. One was in an army uniform and the other two wore nice haircuts, dark suits and white shirts...all very professional looking. They approached Mrs. Miller, standing composed and smiling by her husband's casket.
Each of the young men hugged her, kissed her on the cheek, spoke briefly with her and moved on to the casket. Her misty light blue eyes followed them as, one by one, each young man stopped briefly and placed his own warm hand over the cold pale hand in the casket.. Each left the mortuary awkwardly, wiping his eyes.
Our turn came to meet Mrs. Miller. I told her who I was and reminded her of the story from those many years ago and what she had told me about her husband's bartering for marbles. With her eyes glistening, she took my hand and led me to the casket.
'Those three young men who just left were the boys I told you about.
They just told me how they appreciated the things Jim 'traded' them. Now, at last, when Jim could not change his mind about color or size....they came to pay their debt.'
'We've never had a great deal of the wealth of this world,' she confided, 'but right now, Jim would consider himself the richest man in Idaho ...'
With loving gentleness she lifted the lifeless fingers of her deceased husband. Resting underneath were three exquisitely shined red marbles.
The Moral :
We will not be remembered by our words, but by our kind deeds. Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath.
Today I wish you a day of ordinary miracles
~ A fresh pot of coffee you didn't make yourself...
An unexpected phone call from an old friend ....
Green stoplights on your way to work...
The fastest line at the grocery store...
A good sing-along song on the radio...
Your keys found right where you left them.
Last edited:
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,244
A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and
sits next to an elderly woman.
She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're
going straight to hell!"
The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"
sits next to an elderly woman.
She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're
going straight to hell!"
The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"
curl4ever
Literotica Guru
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- Apr 21, 2006
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Nice! Thanks, Handley!
kromen
Mmm, Good
- Joined
- Feb 21, 2005
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- 1,249
A man visited the doctor with a severe case of tapeworm. After a initial test, the doctor concurred that the patient had tapeworm and offered him two solution.
"We can do it the quick and expensive way or the slow and cheap way."
The man went the cheap route and was led into the back room. The doctor instructed him to bend over and remove his pants. After his trouser were dropped and he was bent, the doctor pulled out a hard boiled egg and promptly shoved it in the patient's rectum. After thirty seconds passed, the doctor inserted a lemon cookie, told the man to pull up his pants and come back next week.
Next week, the man returned and was put through the same paces as last week. First, a hard boiled egg, followed by a lemon cookie thirty seconds later, then promptly dismissed and told to return a week later.
This continued for another month, the doctor reassuring him that it was all on the up and up.
Finally, the man had enough and demanded to know how this would cure him of the tapeworm. The doctor calmly assured his patient that this was the last time this weird procedure would occur.
After much grumbling, the man dropped his pants and let the doctor go to work. The MD pushed another hard boiled egg up the man's rectum and put on a pair of gloves, grabbing a pair of pliers at the same time. He left the lemon cookie in his pocket.
45 seconds passed by before the tapeworm popped out of the sphinter, shouting, "Where in the fuck is my lemon cookie?"
That's when the doctor used the pliers.
"We can do it the quick and expensive way or the slow and cheap way."
The man went the cheap route and was led into the back room. The doctor instructed him to bend over and remove his pants. After his trouser were dropped and he was bent, the doctor pulled out a hard boiled egg and promptly shoved it in the patient's rectum. After thirty seconds passed, the doctor inserted a lemon cookie, told the man to pull up his pants and come back next week.
Next week, the man returned and was put through the same paces as last week. First, a hard boiled egg, followed by a lemon cookie thirty seconds later, then promptly dismissed and told to return a week later.
This continued for another month, the doctor reassuring him that it was all on the up and up.
Finally, the man had enough and demanded to know how this would cure him of the tapeworm. The doctor calmly assured his patient that this was the last time this weird procedure would occur.
After much grumbling, the man dropped his pants and let the doctor go to work. The MD pushed another hard boiled egg up the man's rectum and put on a pair of gloves, grabbing a pair of pliers at the same time. He left the lemon cookie in his pocket.
45 seconds passed by before the tapeworm popped out of the sphinter, shouting, "Where in the fuck is my lemon cookie?"
That's when the doctor used the pliers.
Darkniciad
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jun 5, 2005
- Posts
- 7,943
Edit: Fixed.
Uploaded it to my space because it's too funny to miss.
Or I thought it was... Be nice if I could spell smurfs right. This is not my night.
There, dammit.
Last edited:
TE999
How 'bout a kiss, baby
- Joined
- May 4, 2006
- Posts
- 30,088
O'Leary's driving home from the pub when the Constable pulls him over.
"Did we have a little too much to drink tonight, Sean?
"Well, I did have a wee drap or two, Riley. What seems to be the problem?"
"Did you know your wife fell out into the ditch a half mile back there?"
"Faith and begorrah, I thought I'd gone deaf."
"Did we have a little too much to drink tonight, Sean?
"Well, I did have a wee drap or two, Riley. What seems to be the problem?"
"Did you know your wife fell out into the ditch a half mile back there?"
"Faith and begorrah, I thought I'd gone deaf."
Darkniciad
Literotica Guru
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- Jun 5, 2005
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There, finally fixed the frikkin' smurf pic.
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,244
Teenagers are a lot like cats
For all of you with teenagers or who had teenagers, you may want to know
why they really have a lot in common with cats:
* Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.
* No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane
efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on
them hand and foot.
* You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human
being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind
wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.
* Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor you teen
will ever crack a smile.
* No cat or teenager shares you taste in music.
* Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end
without moving, barely breathing.
* Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.
* Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that
ultimate human ecstasy — a sense of complete and utter boredom.
* Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone’s furniture.
* Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in
the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers
are not above that sort of behavior.
Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other
parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on
cats at hand at all times.
And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden
moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally
come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant
moment for all concerned.
[ all too true . . . ]
For all of you with teenagers or who had teenagers, you may want to know
why they really have a lot in common with cats:
* Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.
* No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane
efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on
them hand and foot.
* You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human
being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind
wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.
* Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor you teen
will ever crack a smile.
* No cat or teenager shares you taste in music.
* Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end
without moving, barely breathing.
* Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.
* Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that
ultimate human ecstasy — a sense of complete and utter boredom.
* Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone’s furniture.
* Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in
the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers
are not above that sort of behavior.
Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other
parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on
cats at hand at all times.
And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden
moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally
come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant
moment for all concerned.
[ all too true . . . ]
curl4ever
Literotica Guru
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- Apr 21, 2006
- Posts
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Beautiful! Thanks, Handley!
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,244
Dated 1943:-
Tips on Getting More Efficiency from your Women Employees
The following is an excerpt from the July 1943 issue of Transportation Magazine. This was written for male supervisors of women in the workforce during World War II, only 60+ years ago! The intent was not to be "funny".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1.) Pick young, married women. They usually have more of a sense of responsibility than their unmarried sisters; they're less likely to be flirtatious; they need the work or they wouldn't be doing it; they still have the pep and interest to work hard and to deal with the public efficiently.
2.) When you have to use older women, try to get ones who have worked outside the home at some time in their lives. Older women who have never contacted the public have a hard time adapting themselves and are inclined to be cantankerous and fussy. It's always well to impress upon older women the importance of friendliness and courtesy.
3.) General experience indicates that "husky" girls - those who are just a little on the heavy side - are more even tempered and efficient than their underweight sisters.
4.) Retain a physician to give each woman you hire a special physical examination - one covering female conditions. This step not only protects the property against the possibilities of lawsuit, but reveals whether the employee-to-be has any female weaknesses which would make her mentally or physically unfit for the job.
5.) Give the female employee a definite day-long schedule of duties so that they'll keep busy without bothering the management for instructions every few minutes. Women make excellent workers when they have their jobs set out for them, but they lack initiative in finding work themselves.
6.) Whenever possible, let the female employee change from one job to another at some time during the day. Women are inclined to be less nervous and happier with change.
7.) Give every girl an adequate number of rest periods during the day. You have to make for some allowances for feminine psychology. A girl has more confidence and is more efficient if she can keep her hair tidied, apply fresh lipstick and wash her hands several times a day.
8.) Be tactful when issuing instructions or in making criticisms. Women are often sensitive; they can't shrug off harsh words the way men do. Never ridicule a woman - it breaks her spirit and cuts off her efficiency.
9.) Be reasonably considerate about using strong language around women. Even though a girl's husband or father may swear vociferously, she'll grow to dislike a place of business where she hears too much of this.
10.) Get enough size variety in operator's uniforms so that each girl can have a proper fit. This point can't be stressed too much in keeping women happy.
Tips on Getting More Efficiency from your Women Employees
The following is an excerpt from the July 1943 issue of Transportation Magazine. This was written for male supervisors of women in the workforce during World War II, only 60+ years ago! The intent was not to be "funny".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1.) Pick young, married women. They usually have more of a sense of responsibility than their unmarried sisters; they're less likely to be flirtatious; they need the work or they wouldn't be doing it; they still have the pep and interest to work hard and to deal with the public efficiently.
2.) When you have to use older women, try to get ones who have worked outside the home at some time in their lives. Older women who have never contacted the public have a hard time adapting themselves and are inclined to be cantankerous and fussy. It's always well to impress upon older women the importance of friendliness and courtesy.
3.) General experience indicates that "husky" girls - those who are just a little on the heavy side - are more even tempered and efficient than their underweight sisters.
4.) Retain a physician to give each woman you hire a special physical examination - one covering female conditions. This step not only protects the property against the possibilities of lawsuit, but reveals whether the employee-to-be has any female weaknesses which would make her mentally or physically unfit for the job.
5.) Give the female employee a definite day-long schedule of duties so that they'll keep busy without bothering the management for instructions every few minutes. Women make excellent workers when they have their jobs set out for them, but they lack initiative in finding work themselves.
6.) Whenever possible, let the female employee change from one job to another at some time during the day. Women are inclined to be less nervous and happier with change.
7.) Give every girl an adequate number of rest periods during the day. You have to make for some allowances for feminine psychology. A girl has more confidence and is more efficient if she can keep her hair tidied, apply fresh lipstick and wash her hands several times a day.
8.) Be tactful when issuing instructions or in making criticisms. Women are often sensitive; they can't shrug off harsh words the way men do. Never ridicule a woman - it breaks her spirit and cuts off her efficiency.
9.) Be reasonably considerate about using strong language around women. Even though a girl's husband or father may swear vociferously, she'll grow to dislike a place of business where she hears too much of this.
10.) Get enough size variety in operator's uniforms so that each girl can have a proper fit. This point can't be stressed too much in keeping women happy.
oggbashan
Dying Truth seeker
- Joined
- Jul 3, 2002
- Posts
- 56,017
Two dishwashers; two magnets
Our new kitchen is being fitted now. As usual when we have workmen in and around the house we have an unending supply of coffee or tea and somewhere inside or outside (their choice) to sit down.
We talk to the people working on the house and they often have tales about other unidentified customers. For example:
Our kitchen fitter was asked to install two dishwashers in a new kitchen in an elderly couple's new-to-them house. "Why two dishwashers?" He asked.
Apparently they put the dirty crockery in one dishwasher until it is full. Once they put the first dirty item in it they put a red fridge magnet on its door. When the first dishwasher is full they run it. Once the dishwasher has finished its program they take off the red fridge magnet and put on a green one.
Whenever they need crockery they take it out of the dishwasher with the green magnet on. They put the used crockery into the other dishwasher which now has the red magnet on, until that one is full, then they repeat the process.
Why? It's easier.
Their new kitchen was massive with ample storage cupboards but all the items they really use is in one or other dishwasher. The cupboards are full of kitchen items that they DON'T use.
Odd.
Our new kitchen is being fitted now. As usual when we have workmen in and around the house we have an unending supply of coffee or tea and somewhere inside or outside (their choice) to sit down.
We talk to the people working on the house and they often have tales about other unidentified customers. For example:
Our kitchen fitter was asked to install two dishwashers in a new kitchen in an elderly couple's new-to-them house. "Why two dishwashers?" He asked.
Apparently they put the dirty crockery in one dishwasher until it is full. Once they put the first dirty item in it they put a red fridge magnet on its door. When the first dishwasher is full they run it. Once the dishwasher has finished its program they take off the red fridge magnet and put on a green one.
Whenever they need crockery they take it out of the dishwasher with the green magnet on. They put the used crockery into the other dishwasher which now has the red magnet on, until that one is full, then they repeat the process.
Why? It's easier.
Their new kitchen was massive with ample storage cupboards but all the items they really use is in one or other dishwasher. The cupboards are full of kitchen items that they DON'T use.
Odd.
SeaCat
Hey, my Halo is smoking
- Joined
- Sep 23, 2003
- Posts
- 15,378
A Penguin was driving through the desert when his car broke down just outside of town. With no other choice he waddled his way back to the town and found a local garage. There he told the mechanic on duty what had happened. The mechanic told him that it was a slow day and he would have the car in the garage quickly. He then suggested the penguin head across the street to the diner and get out of the heat. The penguin was more than happy to do this.
Once inside the diner the penguin decided to have a treat and ordered a large bowl of vanilla ice cream.
Now being a penguin he didn't have thumbs. Because of this he couldn't hold a spoon in his flipper. Instead he ate the ice cream as all penguins do, he tucked his bill into the bowl and went to work while enjoying the cold food.
A short while later the mechanic came into the diner and walked up to the penguin who raised his beak from the bowl. His face and neck were coated with the white ice cream.
"Looks like you blew a Seal." was the comment made by the mechanic.
"Nope, just eating Ice Cream." Was the penguins reply.
Cat
Once inside the diner the penguin decided to have a treat and ordered a large bowl of vanilla ice cream.
Now being a penguin he didn't have thumbs. Because of this he couldn't hold a spoon in his flipper. Instead he ate the ice cream as all penguins do, he tucked his bill into the bowl and went to work while enjoying the cold food.
A short while later the mechanic came into the diner and walked up to the penguin who raised his beak from the bowl. His face and neck were coated with the white ice cream.
"Looks like you blew a Seal." was the comment made by the mechanic.
"Nope, just eating Ice Cream." Was the penguins reply.
Cat
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,244
Why Females Should Avoid A Girls Night Out After They Are Married....
The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed.. 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos =MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.. Whew, I got away with that one!
Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock..'
When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted. "
The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed.. 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos =MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.. Whew, I got away with that one!
Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock..'
When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted. "
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,244
A Montana rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your Dad home?" the rancher asked.
"No sir, he isn't," the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well," said the rancher, "Is your Mother here?"
"No sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you?" the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message for Dad."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Howard."
.
"No sir, he isn't," the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well," said the rancher, "Is your Mother here?"
"No sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you?" the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message for Dad."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Howard."
.
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,244
The Year's Best (Actual) Headlines ...
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges -
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says -
No, really?
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers -
Now that's taking things a bit far!
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over -
What a guy!
Miners Refuse to Work after Death -
Those good-for-nothing ' lazy so-and-sos!
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant -
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
War Dims Hope for Peace -
I can see where it might have that effect!
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile -
Ya think?!
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures -
Who would have thought it
Enfield Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide -
They may be on to something!
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge -
He probably IS the battery charge!
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group -
Weren't they fat enough?!
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft -
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks -
Do they taste like chicken?
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half -
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors -
FONT="Arial"]Boy, are they tall![/FONT]
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead -
Did I read that right?
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges -
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says -
No, really?
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers -
Now that's taking things a bit far!
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over -
What a guy!
Miners Refuse to Work after Death -
Those good-for-nothing ' lazy so-and-sos!
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant -
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
War Dims Hope for Peace -
I can see where it might have that effect!
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile -
Ya think?!
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures -
Who would have thought it
Enfield Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide -
They may be on to something!
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge -
He probably IS the battery charge!
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group -
Weren't they fat enough?!
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft -
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks -
Do they taste like chicken?
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half -
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors -
FONT="Arial"]Boy, are they tall![/FONT]
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead -
Did I read that right?
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,244
A drunk says to the bartender, "I want a woman!"
So, the bartender gives him directions to the local brothel. The customer
was so drunk, he misreads the directions and accidentally goes into the
office of a foot doctor.
The receptionist at the counter asks, "Can I help you?"
"Yes, I want some service," states the drunk. She sends him to one of the
examination rooms and tells him to put it on the table. The drunk goes in
and places his manhood on the exam table. When the doctor comes in, the
startled podiatrist sees the man's member on the table and she says,
"That's not a foot!"
The drunk replies, "Give it time, lady, give it time."
So, the bartender gives him directions to the local brothel. The customer
was so drunk, he misreads the directions and accidentally goes into the
office of a foot doctor.
The receptionist at the counter asks, "Can I help you?"
"Yes, I want some service," states the drunk. She sends him to one of the
examination rooms and tells him to put it on the table. The drunk goes in
and places his manhood on the exam table. When the doctor comes in, the
startled podiatrist sees the man's member on the table and she says,
"That's not a foot!"
The drunk replies, "Give it time, lady, give it time."
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,244
"Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rapidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end." (This guy has nailed it.)
"Being Politically Correct means always having to say you're sorry."
"I am sorry sir, this is a non-smoking mountain." -- Broadcaster David Frost on what official told friend about to light up on skiing holiday at Aspen.
"The Vulcan Neck Pinch is not half as powerful as the Vulcan Groin Kick, but it's more politically correct"
"A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul." George Bernard Shaw
"A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money." G. Gordon Liddy
"Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries." Douglas Casey, Georgetown U. (1992)
"Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it." Ronald Reagan (1986)
"Being Politically Correct means always having to say you're sorry."
"I am sorry sir, this is a non-smoking mountain." -- Broadcaster David Frost on what official told friend about to light up on skiing holiday at Aspen.
"The Vulcan Neck Pinch is not half as powerful as the Vulcan Groin Kick, but it's more politically correct"
"A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul." George Bernard Shaw
"A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money." G. Gordon Liddy
"Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries." Douglas Casey, Georgetown U. (1992)
"Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it." Ronald Reagan (1986)
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,244
You Might Be a Nurse if
~ You avoid unhealthy looking peoples in the mall for fear that they'll drop near you and you'll have to do CPR on your day off.
~ It doesn't bother you to eat a candy bar with one hand while performing digital stimulation on your patient with the other hand.
~ You've had a patient with a nose ring, a brow ring and twelve earrings say, "I'm afraid of shots."
~ You've ever bet on someone's blood alcohol level.
~ You plan your next meal while performing gastric lavage.
~ You believe every waiting room should have a Valium salt lick.
~ You have your weekends off planned a year in advance.
~ You have ever had a patient control his seizures when offered food.
~ You know it's a full moon without having to look at the sky.
~ You avoid unhealthy looking peoples in the mall for fear that they'll drop near you and you'll have to do CPR on your day off.
~ It doesn't bother you to eat a candy bar with one hand while performing digital stimulation on your patient with the other hand.
~ You've had a patient with a nose ring, a brow ring and twelve earrings say, "I'm afraid of shots."
~ You've ever bet on someone's blood alcohol level.
~ You plan your next meal while performing gastric lavage.
~ You believe every waiting room should have a Valium salt lick.
~ You have your weekends off planned a year in advance.
~ You have ever had a patient control his seizures when offered food.
~ You know it's a full moon without having to look at the sky.
Bianca_Sommerland
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 20, 2009
- Posts
- 1,198
Handley that was beautiful. I'm glad I got the chance to read it, thank you. Made me smile even though I got a lump in my throat.
Zeb_Carter
.-- - ..-.
- Joined
- Jun 15, 2006
- Posts
- 20,574
Circle Flies
A cowboy from Texas attends a social function where Barack Obama is trying to gather more support for his Health Plan. Once he discovers the cowboy is from President Bush’s home area, he starts to belittle him by talking in a southern drawl and single syllable words.
As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?"
Obama stopped talking and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they're called, but I've never heard of circle flies."
"Well, Sir," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
"Oh," Obama replies as he goes back to rambling. But, a moment later he stops and bluntly asks, "Are you calling me a horse's ass?"
"No, Sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for the citizens of this country to call their President a horse's ass."
"That's a good thing," Obama responds and begins rambling on once more.
After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies, though."
A cowboy from Texas attends a social function where Barack Obama is trying to gather more support for his Health Plan. Once he discovers the cowboy is from President Bush’s home area, he starts to belittle him by talking in a southern drawl and single syllable words.
As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?"
Obama stopped talking and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they're called, but I've never heard of circle flies."
"Well, Sir," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
"Oh," Obama replies as he goes back to rambling. But, a moment later he stops and bluntly asks, "Are you calling me a horse's ass?"
"No, Sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for the citizens of this country to call their President a horse's ass."
"That's a good thing," Obama responds and begins rambling on once more.
After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies, though."
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
I wasn't going to post here anymore since a few people were trying to get my thread knocked off the A/H. But, seeing we're voting on it and most people prefer to keep the A/H the same, I'm going to keep posting my humor. If it offends you, please put me on ignore.
Thank you
DG Hear
Thank you
DG Hear
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Letter From Mom
Dearest Son,
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down!
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.
Your Favorite Aunt,
Mom
Dearest Son,
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down!
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.
Your Favorite Aunt,
Mom
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,244
So, Just How Bad Is The Economy?
The economy is so bad…
…That I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
The economy is so bad…I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, “Can you afford fries with that?”
The economy is so bad…that CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.
The economy is so bad…if the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
The economy is so bad… Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
The economy is so bad… McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
The economy is so bad… parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names!
The economy is so bad… a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .
The economy is so bad… Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
The economy is so bad… Motel Six won’t leave the light on anymore.
The economy is so bad… the Mafia is laying off judges..
The economy is so bad… Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
And finally...
Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $9.5 Trillion disappear!
The economy is so bad…
…That I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
The economy is so bad…I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, “Can you afford fries with that?”
The economy is so bad…that CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.
The economy is so bad…if the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
The economy is so bad… Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
The economy is so bad… McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
The economy is so bad… parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names!
The economy is so bad… a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .
The economy is so bad… Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
The economy is so bad… Motel Six won’t leave the light on anymore.
The economy is so bad… the Mafia is laying off judges..
The economy is so bad… Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
And finally...
Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $9.5 Trillion disappear!
- Status
