You're SO funny!

[Mustang Sally]

Couldn't we all use a good joke? Sure we could. Spread a little joy and laughter by posting your favourite joke here!

I have a terrible memory for jokes, and can't usually remember them well enough to repeat them, but here's one that sticks with me for some reason:

The professor was notorious among his students for making sexist jokes during lectures. The women in his class became increasingly annoyed and offended by his behaviour. A group of them decided to take a stand and spread the word around to their females classmates to get up and leave en masse next time it happened.

The professor found out about their little plan, and so he began his next lecture with this: "Have you heard about the shortage of whores in India?"

The women promptly stood up to leave.

"Sit down, ladies, there's no rush. The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!"

 

[forgetunome]

LMAO.....

Here's one....

The greatest truck driver in the world was driving along a country lane late one night when his truck broke down. All he could see was a faint light in the distance. So he headed towards it.

He came to an old farmhouse and knocked on the door. "Hello," he says, "I'm the greatest truck driver in the world and my truck is broken down. I wonder could I have a bed for the night?" "Well," says the farmer, "there's only two rooms, myself and the wife in one, and my young daughter in the other."

"Look, I'm the greatest truck driver in the world and all I want is a bed for the night, your daughter will be as safe as a house," says the greatest truck driver in the world.
"All right," says the farmer, and they all went to bed. At four in the morning, the farmer heard the headboard next door banging against the wall. He got up and looked in,
there was the greatest truck driver in the world driving it into his daughter, with his bare ass going up and down.

He went down stairs and loaded the shotgun. He snuck into the room and shoved the shotgun up the greatest truck driver in the world's asshole. "All right," he says, "if you're the greatest truck driver in the world, try and reverse out of
there with a full load."

 

[Ravenloft]

A cab driver picks up a beautiful nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers: "My dear son, you cannot offend me. Being a nun, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:

#1, you have to be single, and #2 you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley. " He does and the nun fulfils his fantasy.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, I'm on the way to a Halloween party, and my name is Kevin."

 

[Mustang Sally]

http://smilecwm.tripod.com/sally/lol.gif http://smilecwm.tripod.com/ruinkai/biglaughA.gif http://smilecwm.tripod.com/sally/lol.gif http://smilecwm.tripod.com/ruinkai/biglaughA.gif

http://smilecwm.tripod.com/legionxs/wavey.gif

 

[Jester]

A guy goes to a costume party in nothing but pair of pants. Nothing special, nothing else, just a pair of pants. The whole evening, no one gets his costume. Finally, a woman comes up and asks him what his costumes is supposed to be.

He smiles and says, "I'm a premature ejaculation!"

She lifts an eyebrow questioningly and he responds, "Don't you get it? I just came in my pants!"

 

[Juliangel]

She lifts an eyebrow questioningly and he responds, "Don't you get it? I just came in my pants!"

http://cgi.tripod.com/smilecwm/cgi-bin/s/splarka/as-round.gif

ROFLMAO I spit coke on that one.

 

[Jester]

She lifts an eyebrow questioningly and he responds, "Don't you get it? I just came in my pants!"

http://cgi.tripod.com/smilecwm/cgi-bin/s/splarka/as-round.gif

ROFLMAO I spit coke on that one.

Hoody-Hoo! Coke Spitting! Well, my night's complete!

 

[forgetunome]

Jester...

That is tooo funny! Loved it!!!!

 

[Laurel]

Bill's old lady decided she wanted to do something special to please him on his birthday, so she bought a pair of crotchless panties.

That night, as he came into the house, she lay sprawled on the couch spread-eagle.

"Hi hon," she purred sexily. "Y'all want some of this?"

"Hell, no!" he hollered. "Look at what it's done to your undies!"

 

[Laurel]

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said.

No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye. "Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success," she said.

"Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on."

On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success," she uttered.

As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went. On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Screw me here and now or climb the ladder to success," she flirted.

Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.

"Who are you?" the man asked.

"Hello" said the ugly fat man, "I'm Cess!"

 

[Juliangel]

I posted this one on Sparkys tatoo thread but here it is again.

This man walks in to a bar and goes up to a beautiful woman. He asks what her name is and she tells him, he gets a look of shock on his face and says what a lovely name and a coincidence, I have your name tattooed on my dick.

Laughing she looks at him and says "yea I bet you do"

"Bet? Really what do you want to bet?"


Well she looks at him like he is nuts and he says "OK lets go to the bathroom and I will show you, if your name is tattooed on my dick you give me a blow job, if it's not I will do anything you like"

Thinking her odds are pretty good she follows him to the bathroom and he drops his pants, now clearly sporting a massive erection in anticipation of the coming blow job she can clearly see "Y-O-U-R- -N-A-M-E" tattooed on his dick.

 

[Vlad]

A doctor asked his not so favorite brother in law if he would like to go to a convention with him the next day. The brother in law said sure, but why would you ask me? The doctor said that it was a hemorrhoid convention and they told everyone to bring an asshole.

Vlad

 

[forgetunome]

GOVERNMENT NOTICE

August 1, 2000
To: All Male Taxpayers
From: IRS

RE: Notice of Increase in Tax Payment Form 1040P
------------------------------------------------
The only thing the IRS has not yet taxed is your penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 20% of the time it is pissed off, 30% of the time it is hard up, and 10% of the time it is in the hold. On top of this, it has two dependents and both are nuts.

Accordingly, starting January 1, 2001, your penis will be taxed according to it`s size. To determine your category, please consult the chart below and confirm this information on page 2, section 7, line 3 of your standard 1040 form.

12-10 inches*-------*Luxury Tax*--------*$50.00
10-8 inches*---------*Pole Tax*-----------*$30.00
8-6 inches*-----------*Privilege Tax*----*$15.00
6-4 inches*----------*Nuisance Tax*------*$5.00

Please Note:
- Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a full refund.
- Males exceeding 12 inches must file for Capital Gains.

Please do not request an extension

 

[Shylady]

What do you see when the pillsbury dough boy bends over?

dough balls!

 

[CW]

A recently married minister went to his congregation, informed them of his wife's pregnancy and asked for a raise that would allow him a reasonable salary. After deliberation it was agreed that the increase in family size warranted the raise.

After six births in six years the congregants called a meeting to complain the cost was becoming burdensome.

Things got very contentious.

Finally, the minister stood at the altar and said, a little
angrily, "Having children is an act of God!"

"Snow and rain are acts of God, too," a man at the back of the room said, "but most of us wear rubbers."

 

[Shylady]

two men walk into a bar....the third one ducks.