Your Suggestions for My First Story

[secret_love]

Hi,

My first story is finally up on the site! Please take a look at it and let me know what you think.

I am really interested in knowing:

1. Your opinion of the location and setup.

2. Your thoughts on the sex scenes.

3. What you thought of the dialogue.


Thanks in advance. Here is the link:


The Interview


Cheers,

sl

 

[Wicked-N-Erotic]

I thought it was pretty good. I didn't find many misspelled words or punctuation mistakes. The dialogue was good. The one thing I didn't like about your story, and this is a personal thing, is the telling of 'size'. It is so much easier to picture ones self or lover in stories without the mention of specific sizes, hair color, eye color etc. Good job and good luck on future writting.
Wicked

 

[dr_mabeuse]

From the name you give your company, it's obvious that you intend this to be a light, kind of funny piece. Even so, you don't use the setting very effectively in my opinion.

The thrill of office sex is that it's forbidden. You have all these men and women, nicely dressed, in a high-tension environement, and in office sex their passions spill over into inappropriate sexual behavior. There is the danger of being caught, the danger of being discgraced, and the danger of letting down their guards to reveal who they really are. Your story takes advantage of none of these things. So not only is their behavior unbelievable (really, would things happen like that?) but there is no reason to have the story take place in an office at all. They could be in a parking lot of a bar or a cheap motel. An occasional mention of their fear of being discovered, of his possible reluctance, or her confusion at what she found hersel;f doing, woul;d have gone a long way towards bringing the setting into the action and increasing the tension.

It would have been more exciting if she found herself doing things she didn't understand, acting under some compulsion or reacting against the boredom and repression of non-stop boring interviews. But once they get started, neither of them seems to have any second thoughts about what they're doing. It's just straight ahead sex.

Your sex scenes are okay, but not especially hot to me. The reason is that you don't give us enough concrete detail about what's happening to make us really see it. You tell us who's doing what to whom, but you don't paint a very vivid picture.

It looks like she isn't wearing a bra. Is that right? Isn't that worth a comment? Wouldn't he be surprised at that? She has an orgasm and in the next line hops off the desk to get a condom. Isn't she a little shaky? A little out of breath? Doesn't she need a minute or two to recover?

And how about their psychological states when they're making love? Isn't she shocked at her pwn behavior, or is she in the habit of fucking any guy with a nice ass she shes? Isn't he amazed at the fantastic thing that's going on in his own office? He doesn't seem to be.

You've just got to visualize the sex scenes in more detail. See the papers falling off the desk as he eats her, maybe have her conscious of the office sounds outside. These things aren't sex per se, but you'd be amazed at how they bring a sex scene alive.

Alsao, you have a habit of intruding on your characters. These are those little asides you make to the reader, as when you call her "our heroine", or when you say, "Well, that sent the hot stud over the edge!" That's an author's aside, something you would tell your audience as a person, not as a narrator, and that always bothers me. Like I feel you giving me an elbow in the ribs and winking at me.

For a first story though, it's quite well done in my opinion. We've all got to start somewhere, and that's a pretty good place to start. I just hope these comments help you to do even better next time.

---dr.M.

 

[secret_love]

Hi,

Thanks for your responses. For Dr. M :

1. Funny and Lighthearted - You're right. I think the beginning kind of gave the impression that this might be a funny story when in fact, my goal was hot sex.
: )
This story was inspired by actual events, and I did not want to give the name of the company away. Nevertheless, it's not nice to mislead the reader.

2. The character's motivation - I can definitely see where the characters need a little development. Why are they having loud sex in an office without giving a second thought?

Hopefully I will get better at mixing the character's persona and the sex to make a more vivid fantasy.


3. The orgasm and condom - I can do lots of things right after having an orgasm w/o trembling or feeling lightheaded! Esp. eat! I always get hungry.
In addition, my guy likes to make me come first during sex, just so he can get most of the attention afterwards. I don't want to mention all of the things I have to do after barely saying "OH Yes." I am generally not out of breath or trembling or anything.

So I am going to respectfully disagree with you about this part.

4. The scene - I will practise working in stuff like papers falling off of desks etc. into the sex scenes. I definitely had a little trouble with this. I had a hard time even trying to get some naughty bits in motion while getting their clothes off in a believable way!

5. "Our Heroine" - I respect and appreciate your feedback about the "asides." I enjoy reading stuff like this; so I may not change it unless it annoys lots of people.

I appreciate your feedback very much.

Cheers,

SL

 

[secret_love]

Hi W + E,

You're right. The size thing was kind of dumb and trite. I will not include it in future unless necessary*.


Thanks very much for your feedback. I'm glad you enjoyed the story!

Cheers,

SL

* I am writing another story that does include size. It's in response to a story where the guy has a 9-inch penis, so I decided to put it in (no pun intended):

Revenge Story (size included)

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Secret,

I'm sure there's lots of women who can get up and do whatever they want after orgasm, men too. But in porn we lie. Lie all the time to make the sex seem hotter than sex really is. That's why people always have simultaneous orgasms, men always have huge dicks, women always have huge breasts and so on. (By the way, that's also why most people don't stop for condoms. In the ideal world of porn there are no pregnancies, no STD's, no reason for condoms. But your mention of condoms is so responsible that I can't complain about that.)

So that's my objection to the orgasm thing. Just that you missed a chance to make it more intense.

If this was based on a real story, why don't you write the real story? I'll bet that would be interesting as hell.

---dr.M.

 

[jason25]

I liked it, especially for a 1st timer. I thought the sex was hot and liked some of the word choices you used. It's obvious your vocabulary isn't as limited as some stories you see here. I would have liked a little bit more of a build up before the sex started, but maybe that's me. Good job.