Your Partner is Kinky...

[carsonshepherd]

and you are vanilla.

This is for a story I'm thinking about writing. Research!

I had this friend once (yeah, a friend...) whose partner admitted a deep, dark kink after several years of a commited relationship. The friend was... startled, but not upset. After all it was a pretty harmless kink, so he decided to go ahead and indulge it.

At first it was every once in awhile, but then, as the partner got more and more comfortable with expressing his long-suppressed kink, it became an almost constant thing. The "kink" sexual encounters eventually wiped out the "vanilla" encounters. My friend didn't have a problem with it every now and then, but the kink started dominating their lives, and eventually it helped contribute to the end of the relationship (along with the usual other issues.)

I'm curious to know if any of you kinksters have had this experience, and how you integrated your kink into your sex life with a vanilla partner. Did your partner start to get into the kink too? How did they feel in the beginning?

If anyone is reluctant to talk about this publically feel free to PM me. I'll never tell

 

[yui]

and you are vanilla.

This is for a story I'm thinking about writing. Research!

I had this friend once (yeah, a friend...) whose partner admitted a deep, dark kink after several years of a commited relationship. The friend was... startled, but not upset. After all it was a pretty harmless kink, so he decided to go ahead and indulge it.

At first it was every once in awhile, but then, as the partner got more and more comfortable with expressing his long-suppressed kink, it became an almost constant thing. The "kink" sexual encounters eventually wiped out the "vanilla" encounters. My friend didn't have a problem with it every now and then, but the kink started dominating their lives, and eventually it helped contribute to the end of the relationship (along with the usual other issues.)

I'm curious to know if any of you kinksters have had this experience, and how you integrated your kink into your sex life with a vanilla partner. Did your partner start to get into the kink too? How did they feel in the beginning?

If anyone is reluctant to talk about this publically feel free to PM me. I'll never tell

My perspective is from the more fusion vanilla angle...I just read your post more carefully and noted that you want the kinksters angle... Well, I'm going to post it anyway since I went to the trouble to think about it and type, okay?

I think it bothers me when I start to feel that the kink itself is more attractive to my partner than I am. Does that make sense? It's when I begin to feel like anyone will suffice, as long as they are willing to hang upside down from the monkey bars at the elementary school, that I begin to distrust my partner and the kink. It's no longer about his desire for me, but about his desire alone.

It starts out innocent enough, but I do think the fantasy, the kink, can, and often does, supplant a mutual, reciprocal sexual relationship.

 

[carsonshepherd]

My perspective is from the more fusion vanilla angle...I just read your post more carefully and noted that you want the kinksters angle... Well, I'm going to post it anyway since I went to the trouble to think about it and type, okay?

I think it bothers me when I start to feel that the kink itself is more attractive to my partner than I am. Does that make sense? It's when I begin to feel like anyone will suffice, as long as they are welling to hang upside down from the monkey bars at the elementary school, that I begin to distrust my partner and the kink. It's no longer about his desire for me, but about his desire alone.

It starts out innocent enough, but I do think the fantasy, the kink, can, and often does, supplant a mutual, reciprocal sexual relationship.

I only asked for the kinkster perspective because I KNOW the vanilla perspective from my, uh, friend. Thanks for your thoughts Yui

 

[minsue]

my, uh, friend.

You're so cute.

 

[sweetnpetite]

My perspective is from the more fusion vanilla angle...I just read your post more carefully and noted that you want the kinksters angle... Well, I'm going to post it anyway since I went to the trouble to think about it and type, okay?

I think it bothers me when I start to feel that the kink itself is more attractive to my partner than I am. Does that make sense? It's when I begin to feel like anyone will suffice, as long as they are welling to hang upside down from the monkey bars at the elementary school, that I begin to distrust my partner and the kink. It's no longer about his desire for me, but about his desire alone.

Yes, that makes perfect sence. I also used to wonder that we'd numb outselves to the pleasures of doing it the 'regular' way- ie that just 'each other' wouldn't turn us on or do it for us. I am very**** kinki, but I like to be made love to now and again, you know. And to know, as you said that the person I'm with wants *me* and not just the wierd things I'm willing to do.

Some BDSM people are very distainful of vanilla sex, and I think it's there loss. They think of vanilla as *less* -- sex minus what they put on it. But guess what- vanilla isn't plain, vanilla is a flavor all of it's own.

(sorry, this went way off topic)

On topic- I'm up for almost anything so I don't know if I can answer the Q- but I would have a problem if my partner always wanted to do the same kink all the time, like the kink was the thing and not me. Not sure if that answers the Q either.

 

[Goldlion1]

Yes, that makes perfect sence. I also used to wonder that we'd numb outselves to the pleasures of doing it the 'regular' way- ie that just 'each other' wouldn't turn us on or do it for us. I am very**** kinki, but I like to be made love to now and again, you know. And to know, as you said that the person I'm with wants *me* and not just the wierd things I'm willing to do.

Some BDSM people are very distainful of vanilla sex, and I think it's there loss. They think of vanilla as *less* -- sex minus what they put on it. But guess what- vanilla isn't plain, vanilla is a flavor all of it's own.

(sorry, this went way off topic)

On topic- I'm up for almost anything so I don't know if I can answer the Q- but I would have a problem if my partner always wanted to do the same kink all the time, like the kink was the thing and not me. Not sure if that answers the Q either.

Well put Sweet, I have been on the Kinkster end of this equation more than once. I think that it can be as hard on the Kinkster, sometimes more so, because of the need to share his/her "whole person" with the more vanilla partner. The closer I have gotten to every woman I have been with, the greater the need, and the frustration, to be upfront with my kinks.

Emotional and basic physical compatibility is hard enough without the added pressure of keeping a "secret." I find that a lot of people who have unconventional sexual desires, have internalized them so much that when they find a partner who is willing to indulge them they simply can't get enough.

Think of it, after a long sexual "dry spell" how do you feel when you finally make love/have sex? All that stored up sexual energy, then the release. You just want to stay in bed (or wherever) and keep going, and going and going...

Now imagine you have been harboring a deep dark sexual secret, you finally find someone willing to go there with you and all those years of wondering, ruminating on it, imagining what it will be like...then it happens, good or bad you want to try it again and again...

Sexual incompatibility is a bear to deal with when sex is an important part of a relationship. In my experience, rejection is the biggest fear of the kinkster. I love plain old vanilla sex, and could probably live long and happily without having my kinks indulged. But the main thing with me aren't the kinks, it's the sharing of them. If my partner doesn't care for them, or outright rejects them, it does make it difficult to be honest on all other fronts. That is often, in my opinion, the reason vanilla/kinkster relationships fail, not because of the kinks themselves, but because the kinkster feels he/she can't be honest with their partner.

 

[Guest]

yeah... it would take years to explain.
so, sit back, have a drink and listen to auntie vella.


kidding...
im pming you sweetie.

 

[impressive]

IMO, even the most vanilla lovers have some hidden desire -- and, simply by virtue of being vanilla, are probably "afraid" to reveal it. (It's so common to project one's inhibitions on to one's partner.)

I found that "outing" my kinks to a lover often gives him/her the security to do the same. However, that being said, my "kinks" are typically person-specific. I just want to do THAT with THIS person -- not in general.

Clear as mud?

 

[Goldeniangel]

A Little

Turned out that my rather vanilla partner had kinks he didn't know about... so it worked out ok =)

best thing to do is designate how many times per month you're gonna be kinky! or put down a rule that says "one kinky then one vanilla" both get happy =P takes some of the fun away, but at least everyone's getting what they want!

 

[NoJo]

IMO, even the most vanilla lovers have some hidden desire -- and, simply by virtue of being vanilla, are probably "afraid" to reveal it. (It's so common to project one's inhibitions on to one's partner.)

I found that "outing" my kinks to a lover often gives him/her the security to do the same. However, that being said, my "kinks" are typically person-specific. I just want to do THAT with THIS person -- not in general.

Clear as mud?

Everything you said is right on the money as far as my experience goes. Especially your parenthetical remark.

 

[Guest]

http://www.addis-welt.de/smilie/smilie/zensiert/SadoSmileBeta.gif

i am so not kinky

 

[OhMissScarlett]

http://www.addis-welt.de/smilie/smilie/zensiert/SadoSmileBeta.gif

i am so not kinky

Okay! I just sat here watching those smilies for about five whole minutes. I've got to get the fuck back to work. Stop lurking, Scarlett, and get back to work!

edited to add: No one's buying that btw, Vella.

 

[Guest]

Okay! I just sat here watching those smilies for about five whole minutes. I've got to get the fuck back to work. Stop lurking, Scarlett, and get back to work!

edited to add: No one's buying that btw, Vella.

a shame that,
im an innocent lamb, so sayeth my horroscope.
http://www.addis-welt.de/smilie/smilie/zensiert/sheep.gif
bbbbaaaaaaaa.

 

[TheEarl]

I'm fortunate/unfortunate in having some fantasies that are physically impossible and thus have never been able to indulge with a partner. So I've never hit the problem of my kinks taking over a relationship.

However there are some which I would like to try (inspired by someone who knows who she is ), but more as an every now and again thing. Doing the fantasy every time would make it a little stale to my mind. Sometimes you want the fantasy, sometimes you just want a slow and romantic and sometimes you want frantic. Horses for courses.

The Earl

 

[matriarch]

What partner???

 

[BlackShanglan]

Horses for courses.

Sorry?

 

[NoJo]

I'm fortunate/unfortunate in having some fantasies that are physically impossible and thus have never been able to indulge with a partner.

I'm intrigued. Give us a hint.

You're not talking about faster than light travel, are you?

 

[CharleyH]

and you are vanilla.

This is for a story I'm thinking about writing. Research!

I had this friend once (yeah, a friend...) whose partner admitted a deep, dark kink after several years of a commited relationship. The friend was... startled, but not upset. After all it was a pretty harmless kink, so he decided to go ahead and indulge it.

At first it was every once in awhile, but then, as the partner got more and more comfortable with expressing his long-suppressed kink, it became an almost constant thing. The "kink" sexual encounters eventually wiped out the "vanilla" encounters. My friend didn't have a problem with it every now and then, but the kink started dominating their lives, and eventually it helped contribute to the end of the relationship (along with the usual other issues.)

I'm curious to know if any of you kinksters have had this experience, and how you integrated your kink into your sex life with a vanilla partner. Did your partner start to get into the kink too? How did they feel in the beginning?

If anyone is reluctant to talk about this publically feel free to PM me. I'll never tell

Well, I am kinky and all of my partners are usually kinky, and as a kinky individual only one thing ever made me say no, and only one thing ever shocked me, and that had to do with my boundries and someone crossing them when I made it explicit. I have never been in a scenario where I have forced something on someone. If I have something I like, fisting for example, and which is not secret, and we try it out, and she/he says they don't like, then it doesn't usually happen after that, but typically that is a LONG work up, to which I am very sensitive about. However, how I got into fisting fits your bill .

I do not really have fetish kinks, and so kinks change from time to time. Versatility. I am still, however, even now, and having the experiences that I have had, nervous about introducing certain things to vanilla people, not because they won't like it though, but rather about doing it to a vanilla person, ie fisting, and it comes from a specific place. That's all I can say here. Tell me if you want more, or if got what you needed . . .

As for Vella? Well, on the old computer I had some great emote connections that took A YEAR to build, and I wish I had at this second . . . but for now, the words "I love you, ya dirty, little squirming vamp in sheeps? clothing!" Will have to suffice.

 

[TheEarl]

I'm intrigued. Give us a hint.

You're not talking about faster than light travel, are you?

No faster than light travel. I know for a fact that another AH regular likes it as well, cause I know of his stories on another website. If you want to guess, I may give you knowing smiles, but not even my closest friend, who knows just about everything, knows everything about this, so you won't get anything more than that.

Just out of interest: Am I alone (apart from the AH member I know of) in having fantasies that cannot physically be performed?

The Earl

 

[BlackShanglan]

Just out of interest: Am I alone (apart from the AH member I know of) in having fantasies that cannot physically be performed?

The Earl

I'll PM you mine if you PM me yours You might even get a bargain; my list is quite long. We can run a 3-for-one special or something.

Actually I think that my physically impossible fantasies probably outnumber the "real"-ish ones.

Shanglan

 

[elsol]

I'm curious to know if any of you kinksters have had this experience, and how you integrated your kink into your sex life with a vanilla partner. Did your partner start to get into the kink too? How did they feel in the beginning?

If anyone is reluctant to talk about this publically feel free to PM me. I'll never tell

I had this situation happen to me, and it affected my choice of partners after that.

I'd always been kinky but in fairly straightforward ways... anal sex, a little male-dominance play, nothing wrong with handcuffs every now and then, etc.

I was cool with the vanilla sex with a certain partner, but at some point we started integrating the 'kink' into our sex life.

I hit a brick wall when she 'asked' to do something and it was OBVIOUS that she didn't really want to. She was only doing it because she knew it was one of my kinks.

We didn't do it... but it killed the relationship because I had major issues with the position she put me in and my questions about the things we had done and whether she 'wanted' to do them or if she did them 'for me'.

After that, I made sure to only be with women whose sexual horizons were well-past my borders.

So now, when I throw in a porno cause I'm bored... the sig-other's worst comment is usually something like "I can suck a dick better than that, and I'm not getting paid! Take some pride in your work, bitch!"

Sincerely,
ElSol

 

[yui]

Just out of interest: Am I alone (apart from the AH member I know of) in having fantasies that cannot physically be performed?

The Earl

I'm not sure about the physically impossible part...how limber are you?

I think this is one of the most intriguing statements I've read in a long time. My brain is clicking right along trying to imagine what in the world you are talking about... Fembots? Sex in zero gravity? ???

 

[TheEarl]

So now, when I throw in a porno cause I'm bored... the sig-other's worst comment is usually something like "I can suck a dick better than that, and I'm not getting paid! Take some pride in your work, bitch!"

That is quite possibly one of the best quotes I've heard. PMSL!

The Earl

 

[TheEarl]

I'm not sure about the physically impossible part...how limber are you?

I think this is one of the most intriguing statements I've read in a long time. My brain is clicking right along trying to imagine what in the world you are talking about... Fembots? Sex in zero gravity? ???

Nix on both of them. Although I'd say sex in zero gravity isn't impossible, just very difficult to organise and fembots may be the wave of the future, rather than impossible.

The Earl

 

[Guest]

As for Vella? Well, on the old computer I had some great emote connections that took A YEAR to build, and I wish I had at this second . . . but for now, the words "I love you, ya dirty, little squirming vamp in sheeps? clothing!" Will have to suffice.

revelrevelrevel, you sexy kinkstress