Your oppinion wanted

[HoldenMcCrank]

This last weekend I had a Highschool reunion. Saw some friends that I haven't seen in a very long time. My wife came to the reunion with me but isn't a night owl like me. So about 11 see said we should get going. To whick one of my friends said, " I will give Holden a ride home if you want?" and all was good. I walked my wife out to the car and said " I will try not to be late" gave her her cell phone ( was carrying it cause she had no pockets). Well I hung out with my friends until they closed the hall at midnight and then went to a local bar and talked until 2 am. I got home at 2:20. To which my wife was pissed at how late it was. Now I will admit that I didn't call her but I didn't think it was a real streach to figure out what I was doing. That and we have children and a ringing phone would not have been cool. I hadn't seen these people in over 10 years (well over 10 years). She says I should have come home and told her where I was going and what I was doing.

I very rarely spend time with friend when my wife isn't there. I also don't offten stay out this late. However it isn't unusual for me to stay up this late while I am at home.

To compound the issue she is upset with me because I haven't appologized for being so late. She told me this morning that it was too late to appologize. I don't feel that I have anything to appologize for. I truely think this is her problem. I think she is being posesive and jealous.

What do you think? Am I wrong or is she wrong?

Thanks
Holden

 

[geronimo_appleby]

Depends.
Does she have any reason to doubt your fidelity? Is she normally the type to get mad and stay mad?
There are so many variables in every relationship that to get a full and clear 'picture' of what happened just isn't possible from your description.
There are always three sides to a story. Hers, yours and the truth!
Maybe there is some aspect from your past (school) life that she feels insecure about. Mind you, if that were the case then I would've anticipated that your wife wouldn't have left you there to begin with.
Hmmm, complex.
Talk to her. Ask her why the big deal (assuming she isn't normally a drama queen).
Then, listen to her answer and hopefully act upon it.
Give her no reason to doubt you, build up her trust for you over a long period of time.
Hope you've got something to go on.
Good luck.

 

[silverwhisper]

i don't really know much about the way you and your wife interact. however, i think that if she's upset about the fact that you were there for 3 hours longer, she has a right to feel that way.

i think that if i were in your position, i'd say this: "i'm sorry i'm later than i expected, but i haven't seen these guys in a while. i'm sure you don't mean to begrudge me spending some time w/ guys i haven't seen in a decade, so what's really the issue here?"

now, it probably would have been prudent to let her know that you were headed to a bar to continue catching up w/ your friends. assuming the reason that she was worried was that she was concerned you might be in an accident or something, that's understandable. but by the same token, if you have a mobile phone, she could just as easily have called you, too.

my impression, based upon what you've said, is that she may have been feeling neglected. does that sound plausible?

ed

 

[HoldenMcCrank]

ok

I see the point you guys have made. Does she have reason to not trust me, NO. However, with that said there was an "old flame" at the reunion but she is married and has a family my wife just dosn't like her. Neglected might be a good angle. Ok I could have called her cell and told her so ok maybe I errored here. I still don't think it is as big a deal as she is making it out to be. Was I inconsiderate, yes. Have I been inconsiderate in the past Yes but not with any type of malace. Sometimes I am just clueless, that is just me. We have been married long enought that this should n't be a surprize. Maybe I am being clueless now, not realizing that this is a big deal???

Ok I just had a thought, Maybe she is feeling left out. I get together with my old pals and what do I do, totally forget about my wife...... ok I see this clearer now.....yep I screwed up.....OK Damn sometime I am Thick! Ok now on to the fix any suggestions?

Holden

 

[AppleBiter]

Speaking as a woman, calling is just courtesy. I know that whenever my husband is really late, I don't get angry because I think of infidelity or anything else -- I worry until he comes home if something has happened to him. If you're going to be late, you should probably call. If I were you, I'd pick up some flowers, swallow my pride, and remember to call the next time. She worries because she loves you. Take it all in stride.

JMHO,

AppleBiter

 

[silverwhisper]

holden: yep, flowers. nice ones. something more creative than roses would probably go over particularly well--see if you have any female friends or colleagues who could provide some pointers. :>

bringing home dinner might also help.

ed

 

[geronimo_appleby]

holden: yep, flowers. nice ones. something more creative than roses would probably go over particularly well--see if you have any female friends or colleagues who could provide some pointers. :>

bringing home dinner might also help.

ed

but don't go too far down the old crawling lane or else she may take the piss in future! some consideration would be appropriate and maybe talk to her in the right surroundings.
then, give her such a huge shagging

 

[riverrunt]

What a great time getting together with friends you haven't seen in a while, if your wife was understanding at all, she would know that it's something that you do once in a great while and that you could have been out till sun up just catching up on the good times. I fell that she is overeacting. Fill her in on what went on and tell her about some of the conversation you had with others.


Riverrunt

 

[silverwhisper]

geronimo: i don't know about you, but if my wife feels excluded by something i've been doing, for me that's a big problem. crawling, to me, would be buying jewelry. :>

ed

 

[BigM]

For what it's worth, McCrank, I think your wife is overreacting. As others have said, staying out till 2:30 or even later -- under those circumstances -- is completely justifiable. Should you have called? Well, in hindsight, yes. But she's got to cut you a little slack now and then. Apologize and move on. If not flowers, try tit for tat: encourage her to head out with her friends some night -- and tell her she's not allowed back till 3!

 

[NaughtyLil1]

What a great time getting together with friends you haven't seen in a while, if your wife was understanding at all, she would know that it's something that you do once in a great while and that you could have been out till sun up just catching up on the good times. I fell that she is overeacting. Fill her in on what went on and tell her about some of the conversation you had with others.


Riverrunt

Personally, I think she's overacting. If it had been me, I would have been glad to know that you had a good time. I certainly wouldn't expect an applogy. I might, however, be upset if this happened continuously.

Does she ever enjoy a night out with the girls? If not, maybe you could suggest one. Maybe she was feeling leftout, especially if you have little ones at home.

 

[geronimo_appleby]

geronimo: i don't know about you, but if my wife feels excluded by something i've been doing, for me that's a big problem. crawling, to me, would be buying jewelry. :>

ed

we're all different, you do it your way and i do it mine. no big deal.

 

[HoldenMcCrank]

Well here is an update

I went home at lunch with some simple flowers. Of course my daugther thought that they were for her! LOL I told her as long as she shares them with MOM she could have them. I told her that I thought we needed to talk tonight but I said I think we both could have handle the situation better from both sides. She agreed to that. With that I told her that I was sorry that I had upset her (but never admitted any wrong doing), well cause I am sorry that she was upset. It will all work outand be just one more brick in the path of better comunication between us.

Thanks to everyone for their thoughts

Holden

 

[silverwhisper]

geronimo: live and let love, i say. :>

holden: cool. :>

ed

 

[geronimo_appleby]

geronimo: live and let love, i say. :>

holden: cool. :>

ed

right on!

 

[Qina]

I'm with applebiter. When my boyfriend's not home when I expect him, I get worried. Being worried I'm unable to sleep. Being worried and tired, I get an overactive imagination... "Oh my god, he's been in a car accident" "He's lying on the side of the road somewhere and no one knows where he is"... etc. Infedelity or jelousy doesn't even cross my mind. She's not a night owl, so maybe she missunderstood you and though by "later" you meant 12ish.

My BF and I have gotten into the habit of asking/telling when to expect the other home. I allways try to call if I'm going to be more than half an hour late and after one major fiasco simmilar to your own, he's learned to do the same. He can stay out as late as he wants as long as I know generally when he's gonna be home so that I know when to start worrying Your wife probably was overreacting, I know I did in the aforementioned situation, but she may have been highly emotional with worry for you. I was angry for a long time after that and even after we talked it over, we couldn't believe each other's reactions. I was amazed that he would think I wouldn't notice/care that he was over 2 hours late and he was amazed that I did notice/care!

I guess that's one of the differences between men and woman...Us women are emotional worrywarts and you men don't even realize that there was something woth worrying about

 

[I'm Wild Cherry]

The flowers sound as if they were well received. Glad to hear you guys are communicating about it.

 

[bill_kiddo]

What Crap

i am going to be REALLY direct here. Your wife is being ridiculous! You said "she is not a night owl like me" and you told her "you would try not to be too late." Well, in my book, 2:30 isn't "that late."

Well, if you really are a night owl and have a past history of being out late and NOT doing anything wrong, she is out of line.

Also, I don;t buy that, "she was worried about your safety..." Crap. If she was soooo worried, she could have called. That's just an age old line from women to make you feel bad when they were just being controlling.

I am ALL for being respectful to your wife and I have apologized many, many times when I screw up....she always knows where I am, etc....but.....

Your wife needs to understand this was YOUR night; repeat YOUR night! It seems to me she may be jealous that you enjoyed your reunion and had/have some lifelong friends that you wanted to catch up with after a long while or she was jealous of someone at the reunion. Well, those are her issues and not yours to deal with and regardless, it was YOUR night.

I went to my 20 yr reunion last summer with wife and we are the same way. I can stay up all night, but she is an ealry to bed type. The time passed so fast between dinnner and 11:00 I could have easily hung out with my old friends all night.

However, instead of being the spoil-sport...for one night, my lovely bride chose to push herself and stay a little past her bedtime and we ended up staying until well after midnight; then, since we are rarely that dressed up, went home for a late night romp. However, if I had chosen to hang out longer and come home whenever, she would have understood completely and simply said she was glad I had such a great time. She understood it was my night, my life long friends, and it only happens once every 10 years!!!!

So in summary, your wife should have recognized this was YOUR night and either stayed longer herself, took a nap earlier in the day, or let you enjoy YOUR night. Regardless, since you did nothing wrong, you don't owe her any groveling, flowers, or anything else. You need to set the precedent NOW!!! Becuase, once you start that crap, she'll put your balls in a jar on the mantle and you'll be the guy everyone laughs at how says "yes, dear" a lot and always has his chin on his chest!

I hate to bring you into reality, but since she is still mad days later, it sounds like you have a needy, whiner on your hands, so good luck!!! And if you do apologize and bring flowers everytime you don't do any wrong....remember to occassionally salute the mantle!

 

[silverwhisper]

ah, what priceless gems of wisdom.

ed

 

[AppleBiter]

ah, what priceless gems of wisdom.

ed

Agreed. Sounds like a real keeper to me.

 

[Guest]

 

[jushorny]

Speaking as a woman, calling is just courtesy. I know that whenever my husband is really late, I don't get angry because I think of infidelity or anything else -- I worry until he comes home if something has happened to him. If you're going to be late, you should probably call. If I were you, I'd pick up some flowers, swallow my pride, and remember to call the next time. She worries because she loves you. Take it all in stride.

JMHO,

AppleBiter

I never realized my wife was on this board. Hey baby, nice to see you! I'll be home regular time tonight, if not, you'll know I'll call

 

[jushorny]

Applebiter, I was joking with you because you sound so much like my wife. I totally agree with your post and we both do call each other.

Holden, I think you ended up handling it all great, nice job!

 

[bobsgirl]

Well done, Holden!

 

[LadyJeanne]

Holden, I'm glad it all worked out in the end. Might be a good idea to talk about expectations with your wife so you can avoid this kind of thing in the future.

Having said that, I don't really understand why she didn't call your cell phone if she was worried about you, or was wondering when you would be home. Isn't that the point of having a cell phone?