Your Man

[cutestguy]

Your man

Who's your man, an odd to you,
Claiming your sleep, search in few.

Dreams are clouds, shinning through,
Rains are emotions, passing you.

Eyes wide open, stranger I am,
Wont let you down, word of mine.

Voice of yours, a distant hope,
Wish to hear that lips say "Hello".

Hide and seek u like to play,
Craving for one glimpse of ye.

Trying to reach out and touch you,
You elude to those clouds, all new.

Your eyes are making me dizzy, you know that?
And your words are making me crazy, i feel that.

You are always glowing as those things you craft,
Life is more than that, want to draft.

Dry sand beneath by legs, now wet,
Quickly turning out to be dry by sunset.

Did we know in past life or so?
I can wait a million years, if you say so.

Am i the man in your dreams, this one is straight,
Not ashamed but happy to be in that fate.

Life is new to me, cant leave you,
Wish the same for you, bless you.

 

[cutestguy]

My first post

Folks this is my first post here eventhough im here for the past 3 years....need some genuine comments ... be it negative or positive, needs the comments and PMs.

 

[bflagsst]

Who's your man, an odd to you,
Claiming your sleep, search in few.
...

Hey, CutestGuy, sorry to be a bummer hummer but your grammar is in that sort of place where I can't make out a bunch of your lines. It's tense issues, some spelling mistakes, and lines that just don't make sense in our language. Here's a list of the lines I couldn't decipher:

Did we know in past life or so?
Dry sand beneath by legs, now wet
Life is more than that, want to draft.
Wish to hear that lips say "Hello".
Who's your man, an odd to you,
Claiming your sleep, search in few.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

One bit of advise you don't have to 'push' words in to make rhymes it only makes them look forced. Don't give up though keep practicing different techniques

 

[cutestguy]

Thanks a lot for the comments and it gives me motivation and inspiration. Will consider these tips seriously. Yes, i feel i did push some words to make rhymes. and tense, we can call it as poetic justice. Spelling mistakes can be taken care of.

 

[cutestguy]

Did we know in past life or so? ( meant - have we ever met in the past ? it is a colloquial usage)
Dry sand beneath by legs, now wet (meant - the sand beneath my foot were dry, but now got wet.) (another mistake is "bneath by", in fact i wrote beneath my - spelling mistake.)
Life is more than that, want to draft. ( Meant - life has enough meanings which i want to draft before it can ever be perfect.)
Wish to hear that lips say "Hello". ( can be re-written as Wish to hear those lips say "Hello")
Who's your man, an odd to you, ( Meant - This can be an odd question to you - who is your man)
Claiming your sleep, search in few. (Meant - im claiming your sleep, that you lost your sleep and i can do this again, but i will search in few people only.)

i hope im clear. if you need clarifications, please comment.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Actually you don't have to rhyme at all, when I first came here I rhymed everything and suddenly found it was very old hat lol Oh and this lot won't understand local English colloquial use ......... they're Americans for the most part lol

 

[cutestguy]

Thanks a lot madame for your tips and yes, may be some are unaware of the colloquial usage, but there is always this Poetic Justice for our help...lol..but i will tend to do this Rhyming more often. Should i stop it ? that is what you are saying ? tough, but i will try. thanks for the comments anyway.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

I never said stop it at all!!!! If you cared to look at the stuff I've already done you will find plenty of rhymes perhaps you might like trying the different forms to incorporate the rhymes ..... the Villanelle maybe or the Roundelay although Rhyming couplets might be more your form. What I was saying there are so many different areas of poetry to try and you don't need to just stick to one aspect when it's so much fun to try them all

 

[cutestguy]

Sure i will try, with you help. Thanks a lot Madame.

 

[champagne1982]

cutestguy, is your first language English?

You're writing with an accent that makes me believe you're taking your poems directly as you speak rather than writing what is commonly accepted as "correct" grammar and spelling. It's no crime to lack education in grammar and text book English, what is a crime is to explain errors as colloquial when we don't know where you're from...

Did we know in past life or so?
How about editing this to:
Have we met before in lives of long ago?
Dry sand beneath by legs, now wet
and this:
The sand against my soles, now wet
will be dry once more as Solaris sets
Life is more than that, want to draft.
becomes:
Life's meanings need edit in draft after draft
Wish to hear that lips say "Hello".
I wish to hear your lips' hello.
Who's your man, an odd to you, ( Meant - This can be an odd question to you - who is your man)
Claiming your sleep, search in few. (Meant - im claiming your sleep, that you lost your sleep and i can do this again, but i will search in few people only.)
I can't even begin to suggest what to do with this entire verse. I really don't recommend trying to convey all of those thoughts and ideas in one rhyming couplet. The form and scheme is too simple in structure to accomadate such big ideas.

I hope I haven't offended you with my edit ideas. You can accept or reject whatever you feel is right for your poem. I do suggest that you consider reading articles or books about syntax and grammar in English. If you do your homework, next time, when you ask for comment you'll get feedback about the content and word usage in the poem, rather than grammar and spelling lessons.

 

[EroticOrogeny]

I concur with the feedback of the others here - its likely that you need to do some work to get your message out, unless these are colloquilisms which most of us aren't familiar with.
One other idea - have you shared it with your loved one? Often a much more open and less-critical audience.

 

[cutestguy]

champagne1982 - thanks a lot for your edit and it is awesome and i would follow your tips. And dont worry about the "offence" - since im not so light-hearted person to cry on that, but this is the first time posting and i need to learn a bit on how i express the feelings into words. Thanks again.

 

[cutestguy]

EroticOrogeny - thanks for the comments and sad to say i dont 've a loved one as of now and havent shared this with anyone so as to get such clear cut comments. You guys are just brilliant. In fact, i wrote poems for a band in making so that - it would be edited based on the musical notations and this is just draft. So, when the final song is on the cards, this might change. Nevertheless this is the core poetry. Thanks for your comments and guidance.