Your Biggest Lesson in BDSM?

[InnerDarkness]

I thought I saw a thread like this once, and if someone can help me track it down, that would be great. If not....I am starting it now.

This is a serious question from me, but I know humor will be injected at some point, because hey...we all need to laugh sometime

But really...

what IS the biggest lesson you have learned since you discovered BDSM (or it discovered you)?

Have you changed an outlook, an approach, attitudes? Did you do something once only to look back and see how naive you were, and vow never to walk down that path again?

Has something changed in you? About how you relate to others? How you relate to yourself?

I know these may be deep questions, but I would really be interested to know about people's transformations as they explored BDSM...and what lessons they learned along the way that will forever be a part of them.

I feel that is kind of where I am now. I came out with guns blazing, made many mistakes, took time away and am now starting over, re-examining everything and re-evaluating a lot. I have learned a lot, too.

So, please, share with me things you have learned....

 

[Netzach]

I learned to lighten up.

I learned that Mastery of self involves eschewing anyone else's labels and ideas of how it ought to be done.

I learned how to spitshine leather boots. And I learned that you can feel a tongue when someone licks yours, through the leather.

I learned that I could take more physically than I thought I could.

But much less emotionally.

I learned that people trust me when the shit hits the fan.

I learned that people like to talk to me when they have problems.

I learned that Dominance isn't having the answers but bothering to ask the next question.

I learned to listen to what's not being said.

 

[Scarlett_t2]

BDSM discovered me and slapped me right upside my head. I have always been the way I am but not putting the pieces together, after much research...and contray to popular belief I got to know a wonderful sub (I am a Domme) who spent many a night answering and filling in with a personal touch the many questions I had that neither the net or books could answer. I had to get out of the black and white of it and look into the grays. With the realization of what I truly am fit the pieces of my puzzle together making me for the first time feel whole and complete. Everything made sense and all I am makes sense.

My outlook has changed a hundred fold. I am more confident, happy, caring, and most of all at peace.

My biggest lesson...that someone could love and trust me so much as to give me their trust no questions asked. That they have total faith in me to take care of that trust not to use or abuse it. That is such a HUGE thing.

I know I have alot to learn, but then that is the way of life. I know my way may not be anyone elses way, but then I have never seen a set of rules for the way life should be, and thats as it should be. I so hate rules, well unless of course they are my rules!! LOL

Scarlett



P.S. Thanks for the great post, it has been most refreshing.

 

[InnerDarkness]

Originally posted by Netzach

I learned that I could take more physically than I thought I could.

But much less emotionally.

I think that this has been a big thing for me...I have only begun to scratch the surface of my physical tolerance for pain, but I have realized that I am much less able to endure things emotionally. Within a BDSM context (specifically D/s), I have found myself feeling more vulnerable, more scared, more attached to someone emotionally than ever before (and also more emotionally fragile overall)...but I also came to see that it is okay. There remains that part of me, however, that wants to cut off that emotional part... but at the same time, I want to embrace it because with the right partner, it can be appreciated and cultivated into something beautiful perhaps...

I learned to listen to what's not being said.

*nods enthusiastically*

 

[InnerDarkness]

I learned that Mastery of self involves eschewing anyone else's labels and ideas of how it ought to be done.

I wanted to comment on this separately, because I think this was one of the hardest things for me. When I first arrived at Lit (which is where I literally uncovered the world of BDSM and gave a name to my fantasies), I looked to everyone else and what THEY were experiencing as a way to "benchmark" myself and my own experiences...and it didn't work.

It wasn't until I said, "Fuck them all!" and did my own thing that I grew comfortable with my own expression of the lifestyle, my own needs and wants, and those of my partner.

And my...how things have changed...I only look to me now for what I want and how I will make that happen...I still like to hear about what other people think and do, but I look within for the answers now...and I think before... maybe, just maybe... I never trusted myself to do that.

 

[InnerDarkness]

With the realization of what I truly am fit the pieces of my puzzle together making me for the first time feel whole and complete. Everything made sense and all I am makes sense.

My outlook has changed a hundred fold. I am more confident, happy, caring, and most of all at peace.

I really liked the way you said this...when I stumbled on the lifestyle and saw it was a tangible thing rather than something in my dreams, I felt alive! At first I also felt confused, and conflicted with some issues, but the more I have learned and experienced, the more complete I begin to feel.

I would not say I feel peace yet, but maybe someday I will...

Thanks so much for sharing...and I hope others will continue to share their lessons with me. I know this isn't "Innerdarkness Therapy Hour", but I really do enjoy hearing how people's journeys have had an impact on them.

 

[sigsauerprinces]

that my submission, his Domination, and our relationship, is just that-ours. as long as we're happy, thats all that matters, and whether others would view us as either "too extreme" or "not really TPE because you dont do xyz" or "youre not a real sub because of abc" doesnt matter at all. you take the elements of D/s and bdsm that make you and your partner happy, and leave the rest. there are no "rules" to follow besides the rules of your own Dominant, and your own heart.

 

[Limbhugger]

Well lessons are numerous and vast, from my perceived limits of physical torment to the depths of need that dwell inside of me.

I hope to never quit learning about myself, my love, and us together.

But the most impacting thing I've learned, sanctuary. In my submission I find safety, security, comfort. I can face all the challenges the world throws at me, I can be strong and defiant in the face of adversity, I can control all that the outside world demands of me. I can then surrender myself into the truth of my being.

She can guide me down the river of my emotions, desires, wants, needs. Skillfully and lovingly directing the ship that is my self.

To know that in my surrender she takes pleasure, solace, revenge, comfort is at once thrilling and calming. To offer myself as an outlet for her anger, contempt, her love fulfills me.

Under her skillful hands and within her conscientious thoughts she purges us both. Refreshing us, reassuring us, reclaiming us.

Wrapped in our world of need and want, confusion and despair, the thread that binds us is love.

Inside the walls of our simple home, raising our children, and functioning in our daily lives we've awakened something has set us apart from others. Not meaning better or worse just different. And for us, it is wonderful. We've never been closer.

Sanctuary. That is so far my biggest lesson.

 

[InnerDarkness]

that my submission, his Domination, and our relationship, is just that-ours. as long as we're happy, thats all that matters, and whether others would view us as either "too extreme" or "not really TPE because you dont do xyz" or "youre not a real sub because of abc" doesnt matter at all. you take the elements of D/s and bdsm that make you and your partner happy, and leave the rest. there are no "rules" to follow besides the rules of your own Dominant, and your own heart.

I think this lesson, as I mentioned above, is so hard for me to learn. I constantly look to others...not necessarily for acceptance or acknowledgement, but more for...like I called it before: "benchmarking"

But, at least I am learning to move past that...slowly!

Building the relationship TOGETHER is all that matters in the end I suppose.

Thank you

 

[InnerDarkness]

Sanctuary. That is so far my biggest lesson.

I like your description of that concept. I don't think I have been lucky enough to find sanctuary yet, because I have never had a full committment or significant trust in a D/s relationship and I know that those elements come first.

You are very lucky, and sound very happy.

Thanks also for sharing!

 

[MasterNico]

I learned what I now call "Nico's rule #1: don't take yourself so seriously, you're never as good as you think you are"

 

[InnerDarkness]

I learned what I now call "Nico's rule #1: don't take yourself so seriously, you're never as good as you think you are"

hehehehehe!!

I wish some other people would learn that lesson

Thank You

 

[SierraMoon]

To trust, to not worry, and to NOT question anything... i was questioning everything... which led to worrying, and to not trusting that He knew what He was doing....

i'm so glad i've learned

 

[Master_Vassago]

[No message]

 

[InnerDarkness]

Bite me

So sad.

Not everything I do on this board involves a thought in your direction. In this case you internalized a comment that had nothing to do with you.

Perhaps that is a lesson for us all.

 

[InnerDarkness]

So sad.

I retract my statement. Not really sad per se, but definately interesting...

*snicker*

 

[Master_Vassago]

[

 

[InnerDarkness]

I stand by my "bite me" statement, I never said what it was related to.

*yawn*

go away...
I don't wish to have someone attempting to distract this thread from its original intent.

 

[tahira_GC]

what IS the biggest lesson you have learned since you discovered BDSM (or it discovered you)?

to be honest and be myself, once i was able to accept exactly what my feelings meant it was much easier to move on in my life.

Have you changed an outlook, an approach, attitudes? Did you do something once only to look back and see how naive you were, and vow never to walk down that path again?

in a way yes because before i entered into this lifestyle my mind was quite closed and i held many similar views on the lifestyle as other vanillas do, but ever since i discovered BDSM i feel much more able to accept myself.

Has something changed in you? About how you relate to others? How you relate to yourself?

friends and family who don’t know about my life style (i’m still getting used to it myself) have noticed a change in me they say i am much happier and more settled and i must admit that i do feel this too.

Hope this is what you were looking for

 

[DarkLadyOfDeath]

To be honest I read a few posts and I just ran ahead to make mine so It won't be askewed or enlightened by anyone elses replies.. though you better believe I'm going to go back and read 'em afterwards

I first understood what D/s was when I turned 16 and it was mentioned by an online bud of mine... and that just opened a floodgate... But I was always the one who would elict a slight gasp or groan from pain... and not one of displeasure.. and being raised in a strict catholic house as many are I suppose . my mind screamed that I was bad and evil.. and naughty... and all sorts of things... it undermined who I was and the strength that I now have.. it made me weak,shy,docile,fragile to deny myself and my body such simple pleasures... and this all was at the age of 16... being 21 now.. and after years of internet research... a few trists in the dark.. and now an understanding and interested partner whom I trust... I feel like an orchid blossoming. It's been a slow and sometimes painful... both mentally and physical process. One that I hope never ends.

D/s in general has made me a stronger person able to look at the world with a chin up and stare into the eyes of those I would have shrunk from in the past. I don't just stand up for my beliefs and joys in the bedroom.. it's leaked out into my everyday life as well. My biggest lesson has been to learn, and teach.

And the more I experience and the more I learn.. the more I open up.. the submissive creature I was in the first stirrings and allowances to enjoy myself the less submissive I get. Who knows one of these days if not already I'll cross the line from being a sub to a domme... and I am content either way... for I know that it is who I am... not what I should be.

 

[catalina_francisco]

One of the biggest lessons to date has been the recent one of thinking just when I knew where I was, where I was heading, another challenge showed me how much deeper I can go to answer my desire to submit in the most bittersweet challenging of ways and on so many levels. The future will be changed forever, but not necessarily for the worst, just a shift and a learning that will strengthen that which already is.

Catalina

 

[lassarina]

I learned to lighten up.

I learned that Mastery of self involves eschewing anyone else's labels and ideas of how it ought to be done.

I learned how to spitshine leather boots. And I learned that you can feel a tongue when someone licks yours, through the leather.

I learned that I could take more physically than I thought I could.

But much less emotionally.

I learned that people trust me when the shit hits the fan.

I learned that people like to talk to me when they have problems.

I learned that Dominance isn't having the answers but bothering to ask the next question.

I learned to listen to what's not being said.

Please may i borrow this and show it to a friend? she asked me to define a Dominant and this is a wonderful explanation of what i couldn't put into words for her.