Young submissive seeking advice/encouragement

[GeekySub]

Bear with me on this question, as it's a bit complicated and has a long story behind it.

First of all, allow me to explain my current situation.

I'm 23yrs old and recently came out of my first serious M/s relationship. The ending of the relationship was very difficult for me and it's only reluctantly that I've re-entered the BDSM community in search of a new dominant.

My previous dominant (we'll call him Bob) was much older than I and extremely experienced (where as I was mostly a beginner.) I think he had, over the course of many years, became rather bored with the milder or softer aspects of bdsm (blindfolds, spanking, paddling, flogging, etc) and so when he and I were together, our play leaned more towards higher-end pain, humiliation, breath play, watersports etc. I believe he had a very truly sadistic streak and I very much enjoyed our playtime as he always pushed my limits and expanded my interests. With him, I was able to really wallow in my most perverse fantasies without fearing that he would judge me for having abnormal desires.

However, he could also be a very selfish and inconsiderate person and I felt the relationship was damaging my self-esteem and leaving me unsatisfied emotionally. Long story made short,things didn't work out in the long run.

Now that he and I are over, I've recently began speaking with a prospective new dominant (we'll call him John). The problem is that I think he may be significantly less sadistic/intense than "Bob" was.

John is very into bondage, gags, spanking, flogging, etc and seems very experienced and mature. However, I worry that he's more of a sensualist and less of a sadist. Although I've enjoyed the milder play that I experience with John, I worry that I will never able to be satisified with just those things. The things he does to me are interesting in a way, simply because Bob sort of skipped over those things in favor of more advanced play. However, I'm also sort of bored with them.

I'm afraid to even mention some of my more pain/humiliation based desires because he simply doesn't seem like the type of person who would be into those things.Despite this issue, I do feel like the two of us have a potential for a longer-term relationship and I would like to make things work with him. He's a wonderful guy, and in a way he is much more emotionally stable than Bob was. He also seems more supportive and considerate. However, I worry that his lack of sadism/aggression is going to leave me dissatisfied in the long run. Then again, I also think that perhaps I'm worrying prematurely.He's a few years younger than Bob (Bob is 37, John is 30.)and I realize that over time his own desires may mature or change to an extent as he becomes more experienced.


Now, after all that rigamorale, here's my true question:

Is it usual/normal for someone so young in the lifestyle to already be as jaded as I am? Is it normal for me to already find things like spanking and paddling and such to be sort of boring/uninteresting? I mean, I enjoy them but they don't turn me on the way more intense pain play and humiliation do. I'm worried that if it takes this much to turn me on now, what am I going to be like when I'm 30 yrs old? 40? 50?

I also worry that I'll never be able to find a genuinely caring and considerate dominant who is also willing to engage in the more intense activities that I enjoy. It seems that most dominants I meet who are in my preferred age range (30-40) fall into two types: wonderful, sensual dominants who are too kind hearted to really humiliate and physically hurt a girl or guys who are willing to do those things but who are also inconsiderate and emotionally hurtful.

I hope this long ramble is making some kind of sense...I guess I'm just seeking some conformation that what I'm experiencing isn't totally unusual or weird and that I shouldn't worry about having such strong desires at what I consider such a young age.

I'm also sort of seeking advice on dealing with my own submissiveness in general. I constantly feel like I'm different or "weird" compared to other girls my age and even ones older than I. I'll be talking with other girls at work and everyone will be sharing sex stories and I'm painfully aware of the fact that I can't really join in , because my stories would seriously freak them out. These girls/women (who range in age from 20-50) are still saying things like, "He wanted to put his penis in my butt and I told him I wasn't doing that disgusting stuff!" or "I can't believe he wants me to swallow his cum, that's so gross!" And here I am, thinking about the time my Master shoved me face first in a puddle of my own urine and anally raped me while digging his claws down my back. It makes me very much aware of my own "different-ness" and I suppose it affects my self-esteem somewhat.

Any words of advice or encouragement from those who have more experience in the lifestyle?

 

[NemoAlia]

Hey, GeekySub! Wow, what an excellent post! It probably deserves a better response than I'm qualified to give, but here goes:

Don't worry, there are Doms out there who are both exquisitely sadistic and wonderfully kindhearted. Of course, you have to kiss a lot of frogs...

Has "John" actually told you he's not interested in the more hardcore things? I mean, if you and he really hit it off, emotionally, and if he's building to the stuff you're interested in, then probably there's nothing to worry about -- even if the pace is agonizingly slow.

Have you actually told "John" that you're interested in the more hardcore things? I hear that open communication can often be effective

I'm 26. I know what you mean about worrying that I'm gonna be entirely jaded and depraved when I grow up. But I don't know -- creativity is a wonderful thing. And there's more than one way to skin a submissive. I remain optimistic that -- given a really great relationship -- sex and D/s and stuff will stay hot and fresh indefinitely. Of course, I sometimes dream about dragons and castles and knights in shining armor, so what do I know, really? But there's no harm in hoping.

Yeah, I only have a few friends that get to hear all the sordid details of my romantic life. But having even a few is enough for me -- I just need a little outlet, a tiny bit of feedback. Maybe if you hook up with some people who are already "in the lifestyle," you'll be comfortable talking about your sex life with them? And then you can just talk religion and politics with the vanilla world people!

Anyhow, good luck. And if you can find Quint on here, you should get her expert opinion. Or Etoile, or Netzach. Or, well, I'm sure you'll have tons of well-wishers even without my recommendations. Enjoy!

 

[GeekySub]

Thank you for your response It's nice to know that I'm not the only youngster in the scene. I live in a really conservative area and seems that lifestyle-oriented people are not common here (or maybe they are just hiding, lol).

I've hinted to "John" about my interests but I've been too nervous to tell him everything yet. I'm afraid he'll look at me and say, "ewww , gross!"

He and I are still very much in the early stages of things and I guess I'm scared of frightening him away...

 

[Kajira Callista]

Oh well i had a reply but being im so old i figured it wouldnt be helpful

 

[GeekySub]

LOL, don't be silly! My whole reason in posting this was to hear the opinions of older folks who've "been there and done that".

 

[Kajira Callista]

LOL, don't be silly! My whole reason in posting this was to hear the opinions of older folks who've "been there and done that".

well i'll tell ya what....nah nevermind.



btw...been there done an almost idetical situation....and yep i grew up depraved and proud of it.

 

[GeekySub]

well i'll tell ya what....nah nevermind.



btw...been there done an almost idetical situation....and yep i grew up depraved and proud of it.

Then maybe there's hope for me yet

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Hi GeekySub, I really can't comment on extreme play as I'm quite new to BDSM but I do have some thoughts.

From the way your posts read (and of course I reserve the right to be wrong) I would suggest that it sounds like John is taking his cues from you. He probably doesn't expect such a young sub to be so experienced and is taking things at what he believes to be a pace that you're happy with.

He may not be into the kind of play that you are but in any relationship compromises can be reached if you want to be together enough. He might be willing to work up to moe extreme play, he might not. he might shove your face into your urine and anally rape you while scratching his nails down your back and surprise you But if you don't ask, you'll never get.

Try to open a dialogue but don't make it sound as though you're comparing him with your previous Master too much or he may feel he's being 'topped from the bottom' to coin a Lit phrase, or manipulated.

Hope it all works out for you

 

[GeekySub]

Thanks for the advice and responses, as well as the private messages I've recieved from a few people...

I'd be very interested also in hearing the opinions of any of our resident male dominants.

 

[Daddyslilpet]

GeekySub, Have you thought about maybe completing a checklist of things you are interested in to help open up conversation with your new Dom? Starting a new relationship takes time to build, so I'd caution you to be patient.

I'm of course sitting here thanking my lucky stars that I haven't had to start a new one in quite a long time. Not sure I'd want to go through all that trouble again.

As for worrying about how he'll see you, He's a Dom sweetheart, he's probably pretty pervy himself. At least one can hope right? I know it's not easy to open yourself up to possibly be let down, but the only way you are going to know if he's really a good match for you or not is to TALK to HIM. You can do it! Hey he's obviously found something in you he likes already, or he wouldn't be with you right? Think about it.

 

[the captians wench]

Geeky, I'm also a youngster (same age actually), some of what you say I can relate to, but you'd prolly think me a bit mild. I will say this tho, one of my friends is a real sadistic son of a bitch, but he'd also kill to protect me so there are those kinds of...kind hearted sadistic bastards out there.

Because of the line of work I'm in my coworkers are my age and younger, so if they are not into this stuff most are some what curious. Tho I do get the occational "you let him put what where?" You kind of get a feel over time who you can talk about what with and who is just happier not hearing about how you spent the night tighed to the wall getting the shit beat out of you and you really liked it.

I'm not into humiliation play at all, and any waiste play is a hard limit for me, but there is something that Master and I do that may help you talk about these things with John. When ever I want to ask him how he feels about something, introduce something, or just have a question that I'm really too shy to ask I ask him if he wants to play 10 questions (or he'll ask me, if he has something he wants to discuss). This sort of puts things into a game mode and I'm allowd to ask anything I like, and he never holds it against me. It's really helped us when one of us has a problem and just doesn't know how to come out and say it. It may seem a bit silly, but some how putting it in the context of a game makes it seem less scary and I really can ask him anything. It may help. I know I'm still very shy about a lot of things, and I've been serving my Master for almost a year now.

Anyway good luck and I hope you find the answer you're looking for.

 

[GeekySub]

Thank you for the suggestion dixicritter.

I know I need to open up to him, but it's still difficult for me in a way. It's one thing to say "Hey, I like to be tied up and spanked". It's quite another, at least to me, to say, "I'm into watersports and humiliation and degradation etc etc".

And really, he isn't the main issue...the main issue is me still feeling uncomfortable to an extent with being a pervert. I know women in their 40's who've never even heard/thought of some of the things I've done and I guess that kind of worries me a bit....

It doesn't suprise me when young girls act shocked at my stories...but most of my coworkers are older women and when married women in their 40's give me that "you're a freak" look, I guess it kind of disturbs me somehow.

 

[Daddyslilpet]

Thank you for the suggestion dixicritter.

I know I need to open up to him, but it's still difficult for me in a way. It's one thing to say "Hey, I like to be tied up and spanked". It's quite another, at least to me, to say, "I'm into watersports and humiliation and degradation etc etc".

And really, he isn't the main issue...the main issue is me still feeling uncomfortable to an extent with being a pervert. I know women in their 40's who've never even heard/thought of some of the things I've done and I guess that kind of worries me a bit....

It doesn't suprise me when young girls act shocked at my stories...but when married women in their 40's give me that "you're a freak" look, I guess it kind of disturbs me somehow.

Does it help ya to know I am one of those women in their 40's who's married and has a daughter who just turned 21? I know a good bit about the lifestyle, been actively practicing with my husband/Master for the last 4 years. I'm pierced, collared and recently marked via the tattoo in my avatar.

You aren't alone. I'm guessing your Dom might have more experience than you are giving Him credit for as well, but you won't know that until you ask Him.

I know it's not easy, but you have to quit worrying about what everyone else thinks and live your life for yourself if you want to be happy. You aren't a freak because you enjoy those pleasures, and if people look at you like that then they are closed minded fools.

 

[GeekySub]

In theory, I most certainly agree. I would very much like to stop thinking about what others think.

I guess I'm still in that young and immature stage, but I'd very much like to outgrow that and accept myself.

I guess it's just a slow process and only age and experience will really change things.

 

[BiBunny]

In theory, I most certainly agree. I would very much like to stop thinking about what others think.

I guess I'm still in that young and immature stage, but I'd very much like to outgrow that and accept myself.

I guess it's just a slow process and only age and experience will really change things.

I'm 22, and this post is something I really agree with. (Ummm, not that you're young and immature, LOL, but that age and experience will change things.) I discovered four years ago that I was into what I'd just say was S&M. (The D/s part didn't come until much later.) I have become much more comfortable with myself and who I am than I was four years ago. I imagine in four more years, I'll be even more comfortable. That's just the way things go, I expect.

To somewhat answer your initial question: My Master is very much a sensualist. He is also very much a sadist. When we first started playing, he went easy on me because I was nervous, and he didn't know me and my reactions to things very well. Now, I'm not nervous at all with him (usually!), and he pretty much knows how I'll react to any given situation or sensation. Because of this, he has become much harder on me (and I have enjoyed every minute of it!). If John is an experienced Dom, I sincerely doubt there is much he hasn't heard, seen, or perhaps tried at least once. Surely he's mature enough not to go, "Ewwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!" the first time you say you like humiliation or something like that.

By the way, I know it's nerve-wracking. It was hard for me to communicate that I wanted Master to be harder on me. He figured it out on his own with little trouble, but I wouldn't advise that path for everyone. Good luck!

 

[Quint]

.............

 

[myinnerslut]

i'm another young submissive (actually, younger then you, im in my late teens). im very used to having to defend the fact that i really am submissive, really am into BSM, and really do have a D/s relationship with my Sir. I dont think that its a problem that you know what you like. dont worry about becoming jaded. if things like being tied up and spanked just arnt enough to do it for you, it means your tastes are more hard-core, not that your outgrowing BDSM. BDSM means somthing diffrent for everyone, dont let anyone tell you that your too hardcore/not masochistic enough/ not hard core enough. and try filling out a submissive checklist and giving it to your current Dom s he sees exactly what sort of things you are looking for. i know it sounds cliche, but the checklist can really help

 

[NemoAlia]

Did I hear my name? Nemo, I you...I'm a slut for shout-outs. (And pretty much everything else.)
....

Anyway, that was a very long-winded post--I've been moderately pithy recently so I guess I had a lot saved up--but you struck a chord in me and I wanted to give you my comforting "there, there." Nice to have you on the forum and keep us posted on what develops!

Quint, you continue to be my hero. Always and forever. I'm thrilled you're going into sex therapy! (I think about it myself, sometimes...)

You're 100% right that GeekySub's gonna notice the lack of sadism as much as she noticed the lack of sweethearting. And your story of the blindfold, bondage, and clothespins with the visiting Domme reconfirms my faith in humanity.

 

[Marquis]

How many years of schooling does it take to be a sex therapist?

I want to do it too. Seriously. No, like seriously.


As for you GeekySub, I hope you stick around. We can always use more Gen-Y BDSMers, especially those that can spell and write more than a few phrases at a time.

And yes, being young and jaded kinda sucks, but I find that we're not that different from everyone else. No matter what your sexual experience is, you will always hit plateaus where it seems like you've done it all.

But I think if you keep an open mind, and exercise some patience, you'll find that there's always more out there.

 

[chris9]

I'm also sort of seeking advice on dealing with my own submissiveness in general. I constantly feel like I'm different or "weird" compared to other girls my age and even ones older than I. I'll be talking with other girls at work and everyone will be sharing sex stories and I'm painfully aware of the fact that I can't really join in , because my stories would seriously freak them out. These girls/women (who range in age from 20-50) are still saying things like, "He wanted to put his penis in my butt and I told him I wasn't doing that disgusting stuff!" or "I can't believe he wants me to swallow his cum, that's so gross!" And here I am, thinking about the time my Master shoved me face first in a puddle of my own urine and anally raped me while digging his claws down my back. It makes me very much aware of my own "different-ness" and I suppose it affects my self-esteem somewhat.

Welcome, GeekySub.
I'm 24 myself, but not really experienced. I'm actually doing some thinking about me/figuring out what I want, what I need, what I can do without, and have been for quite some time now.
I notice that my self-esteem has very much risen, making me happier and more secure since discovering that there is something called BDSM, and that people actively live this, so that it's not just perverted fantasy. It also helps my self-esteem greatly to learn more about myself.

Sex is not a usual topic of discussion among my friends/co-students, so something like you described does not happen to me. I have to say, though, that I think your view on sex is much more fun than the rather prudish one of your co-workers. And thinking about the situation you described, your co-workers probably think you are very innocent, not having any sex, because you don't join in the conversation.

Anyways, I just wanted to say hi and welcome.

 

[m wisdom]

Welcome to the board GeekySub.

If you want to know what "John's" interests are I suggest that the two of you fill out a checklist. They are great for more then just setting limits. Ask him to rate every activity on how interested he is in going that. Do one yourself at the same time and then swap, I'm sure the both off you will learn a lot about each other.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Perhaps it is not so much about thinking of yourself as jaded as accepting you have been fortunate enough to have experienced something which really worked for you. Everyone has different tastes, desires and needs...some feel it is necesary to start small and keep climbing the ladder in their mind of what progresses to perceived higher levels, others start where opportunity or desire leads them. Most find that their tastes develop and change with building trust and experience, and can be mistaken by some to mean what once was satisfiying is not enough anymore. I tend to think that can be the case with those seeking thrills only, indulging in shock factors, but for those who are doing it simply because it feels good and has been a hidden desire for a long time it tends to be a natural progression. What we have found works from keeping it getting boring is to not do the same thing everytime, to diversify and change things around a bit, keep it fresh by inventing new ways of approaching the preferred pleasures. Bottom line is IMHO, if you really enjoy the sensations and feelings for what they are and who you are, you will never become bored by it because it is who you are, what you need to be fulfilled, not just something you are whizzing your way through without really savouring it.

I would suggest taking the avice of doing checklists with your new partner, being open and discussing your experiences and desires, and most of all being honest. It helps no-one if 6 months or a year down the track when you are both settled in the relationship you begin to complain your needs are not being met and blaming each other for the possible mismatch of needs. It is often referred to as a journey as it really is about discovery and exploration, as well as growth. Enjoy the steps you have taken on your journey, look forward to those yet to come. Believe me, no matter what you have done to feel you have been to the limits of 'out there', someone will always come along to show you there is still so much further to go....it is infinite if you have the imagination and desire to experience.

Catalina

 

[O'Mac]

I have absolutely nothing to add to this thread, but would like to let it be known that in my eyes, Geeky=Sexy.

 

[Quint]

.............

 

[Aeroil]

Psh, you're all old.

I personally don't talk to my co-workers at all, since all they talk about is drinking stories.... Possibly part of why I really don't care at all that I'm the wierd one. Heck, I almost never talk, I move around the building with a crazy dodging dance steppy thing, I randomly start singing made up songs with nonsense words, I constantly make wierd references that nobody gets and then start laughing (mostly obscure science, game, literate or other geeky references), I hiss at inanimate objects when I accidentally bruise or burn myself on them, I say "by the twins" and "what in the abyss" when I curse...

So, um, yeah, if I really cared about being normal, I'd act the part. As for you, if you want to share sex stories, you can make some up, sex stories are *hardly* elegant works of fiction.
As for the situation with John, I can't suggest much, I'd have to.... yanno, had a Dom/me to know much about this in specific.

Interesting stuff though

Oh, but Geekysub, you can't just claim that title willy nilly, one must EARN the title of geek. Although your signature helps a lot, it is quite awesome.

How many years of schooling does it take to be a sex therapist?

I want to do it too. Seriously. No, like seriously.

haaaaaaaaaa........ *giggles* ^_^

I am envisioning cases of me going to Marquis for sex therapy.